Why The Baal Teshuva World Irritates Me
I am not FFB, but I have a number of friends who are. I am not BT and not real likely to go that route. I have watched many friends go down that path and haven’t had the most pleasant reaction to what I have seen.
The internal struggle that many of them has gone through has created so many tumultuous situations. Time after time I have witnessed terrible fighting with their relatives and the complete severance of decade long friendships.
I understand and appreciate that they have found a spiritual calling. I can respect that. I don’t have any problem with people choosing to find the derech. But I cannot condone the bridge burning that many of their supporters encourage them to do.
When the only way that you can find security in your new place is to rid yourself of all of your old world ties there is a problem. It comes off as being cultlike and I think that it is sad.
Not all of my friends growth resembled Sherman’s march through Atlanta. Some of them found a path that allowed them to do what they had to do without badmouthing their friends and relatives. Some of them were secure enough to accept that not everyone was going to be like them.
And some understood that you attract more flies with honey. They recognized that patronizing comments were unwarranted and that building bridges made more sense.
I suppose that part of what bothers me about this stems from their refusal to accept that there are those of us who have chosen to maintain our level of observance. Just as they feel like they have come to a place of spiritual growth so have we.
I recall one friend who grew up in a completely secular home trying to teach me how I could be more observant and become a better Jew. The former three day a year Jew thinking that 18 months of learning meant that he knew more than 25 years of practicing Judaism.
Why? Because the people he was surrounded by taught him that any Judaism that was different from their own wasn’t real. Quite shameful and quite sad. A real chillul Hashem.
I don’t want to belabor the point. I don’t have a problem with BTs in general and applaud their decision. All I expect is that they open their eyes and look around. In spite of what some say, it is a big world and there is no one singular path to Hashem.
Just as they say they’ll daven for me, I daven for them.
Jack's Shack November 19, 2006 at 1:22 am
Josh,
Years ago I sat in a fabulous barbecue joint in Santa Barbara and considered what to eat.
Amidst a saw dust covered floor I agonized over getting the ribs or a barbecue beef sandwich. The smell of the food was quite enticing and I was starving.
It is too bad that place doesn’t exist any more because it would have been perfect for this.
One of the things that often infuriates friends of BT’s is the internal nagging “am i really right in not making the change?”
That doesn’t bother me. Never has. I don’t wear a sweater because someone else is cold. I have never considered becoming Xtian or Muslim because billions of others have done so. I do what I do because I choose to do so.
Maybe, instead of judging how other people go through the very complex and challenging transformation of religious observance, one should introspect as to whether they’ve really asked themselves the critical theological and philosophical questions that lead many seekers down that path…
Here is the thing, you are really avoiding the meat of my post. I don’t have a problem with people going BT, provided that they have engaged in this sort of introspection.
As I said I understand and appreciate that they have found a spiritual calling. I can respect that. I don’t have any problem with people choosing to find the derech. But I cannot condone the bridge burning that many of their supporters encourage them to do.
When the only way that you can find security in your new place is to rid yourself of all of your old world ties there is a problem. It comes off as being cultlike and I think that it is sad.
Not all of my friends growth resembled Sherman’s march through Atlanta. Some of them found a path that allowed them to do what they had to do without badmouthing their friends and relatives. Some of them were secure enough to accept that not everyone was going to be like them.
And some understood that you attract more flies with honey. They recognized that patronizing comments were unwarranted and that building bridges made more sense.
I suppose that part of what bothers me about this stems from their refusal to accept that there are those of us who have chosen to maintain our level of observance. Just as they feel like they have come to a place of spiritual growth so have we.
Some of us are who we are because we reached this point through our own introspection. Maybe the nagging feeling you describe is your own insecurity.
You tell me…
josh November 19, 2006 at 12:53 am
Jack,
One of the things that often infuriates friends of BT’s is the internal nagging “am i really right in not making the change?” As long as no one “normal” does the BT thing, I’m comfortable in my complacency about my life. As soon as it hits close to home, all of a sudden I need to question whether I’ve really made a “decision” about religion, or I’ve simply avoided the decision by writing off BT’s as crazy people who do crazy things.
Maybe, instead of judging how other people go through the very complex and challenging transformation of religious observance, one should introspect as to whether they’ve really asked themselves the critical theological and philosophical questions that lead many seekers down that path…
just a thought…
Sheyna Galyan November 16, 2006 at 3:21 pm
“…any Judaism that was different from their own wasn’t real.”
This line really resonates with me. I’ve been very fortunate to have met some wonderful frum folks online who are totally accepting and neither denigrate nor try to change my own practices and beliefs.
However, I’ve met far too many frum folks face to face who not only think that any form of Judaism not their own is downright wrong, but were condescending and patronizing in how they told me I was a disgrace to “real Jews” everywhere.
It seems to me that halacha itself would prohibit that kind of talk. Yet they see it as their obligation. Kinda like they have to go “witness” to and try to convert other Jews to their way of thinking.
Even my Christian friends don’t do that.
Go figure.
RR November 14, 2006 at 8:13 pm
Good post- it’s interesting, I’ve met quite a few BTs in my day, and I don’t think any of them cut ties with their old life. I didn’t even realize until I was older that some BTs are encouraged to do just that, and I was (and continue to be) horrified by that attitude. Say good-bye to your family and friends? How terrible!
Ezzie November 14, 2006 at 2:14 pm
While I’ve seen the attitude you’re referring to, I’ve seen it more often from people who go from one “type” of frum to another (say, MO to Yeshivish) than those who are actually BT. (My mother and brother-in-law are both BTs.) Most of the BTs I know are not only extremely respectful to their relatives, but extremely connected. We just ate at my (Conservative) grandparents on Sunday, who were talking about my aunt who has now switched from Cons. to Reconstructionist. My brother-in-law had his sister and her husband for a Sukkos meal with us, though they’re non-affiliated and we’re all obviously Orthodox.
On the occasion where I have seen it, it’s often a rabbi encouraging them to make some kind of separation to avoid “falling back” into what they feel are not good for the person religiously. Most of the time, these Rabbis will be very careful to say that this does NOT mean burning bridges at all, merely making it clear that a person has a new and slightly different lifestyle; there are those who misinterpret and/or willfully ignore this and take it to an extreme, and that’s where the problem lies.
Extremes in general seem to be a recipe for disaster.
Jack's Shack November 14, 2006 at 6:19 am
FWQ,
I have a real problem with people being pushed away from their old identity. I understand how and why some people would need some distance to focus on themselves, but that is their choice. It is different.
Raggedy,
I understand the challenges that families present. I don’t think that it is fair for families to slam the choices of family members because they do not jibe with their own. It is a two way street.
I like to think I’ve moved to a place in my life where I respect each person for choosing the life they feel is best for them, without judgment or superiority.
Shoshana,
That is very important. Too bad that more people haven’t taken a similar position.
David,
Agreed.
Liorah,
BT’s are nuts. It would make a great T-shirt.
Stacey,
Cueball said that he should have given you a towel.
Stacey November 14, 2006 at 3:40 am
Great post!
Liorah-Lleucu November 13, 2006 at 10:42 pm
All BT’s are a little (or alot) crazy, especially in the beginning. A BT is by definition, I think, a person in the midst of a profound spiritual crisis, and that can of itself, be emotionally taxing upon both the BT and upon the “normal” people in the BT’s life.
Anonymous November 13, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Jack,
BTs are frequently taught to break with their former lives and networks, as Charedim are quite like the Christian fundamentalists with their “before I was frum” rhetoric instead of “before I was saved.”
They drive people nuts, by insisting this is the only way to be a good Jew. Charedi institutions who preach this sort of thing need to be avoided by mainstream Jewish institutions and organizations. Instead, Modern Orthodox groups like the Orthodox Union partner with them. http://www.projectinspireonline.com
Shoshana November 13, 2006 at 5:05 pm
Excellent post. I think many BTs (and I’m saying this because yes, I went through it) do go through such a stage as the one you are describing, where all you can see is the life you have newly chosen and feel like it is the only way to practice Judaism. But…there are also many BTs who realize that while what they chose is right for them, what others choose is right for those people, and to have the respect of others requires respecting them as well. I like to think I’ve moved to a place in my life where I respect each person for choosing the life they feel is best for them, without judgment or superiority.
Anonymous November 13, 2006 at 4:52 pm
I appreciate your thoughts on this subject, Jack. I grew up with a minimal degree of traditional observance and a yeshiva education, and as far as I knew there were no others like me at yeshiva. But because I was always surrounded by “frum” people who assumed I was one of them, I still feel like I don’t really fit in with standard BTs. When I think BT, I think of people like the mainstream American BTs I know (our family was kind of old-world European) or of my husband who grew up in Russia without knowing aleph-bet or having heard of Shabbos until he was 15. We have extremely close ties with both sides of our families, and it really is a shame when some BTs cut off ties. Sometimes this is not due to self-righteousness on the BT’s part but on a great deal of antagonism from family members, or a combination of the two (chicken or egg?) In light of a lot of the extremist BT stuff I feel is out there lately, this post really spoke to me.
FrumWithQuestions November 13, 2006 at 4:43 pm
I agree and disagree about your observations. I have seen friends that have turned frum over night and stopped talking to old friends because of it but I have also seen people gradually turn religious and continue to speak to their old friends and act as a role model. I guess the underlying reason behind this has to do with each individuals reasons as to why they became religous. Many people who become religious become that way because of problems that they have and think religion has an answer. There are others who just appreciate what religion has to offer which is why things are done more gradually and friends are not lost. Since becoming more religous, the only thing that has changed about me is that I will no longer daven in a conservative or reform shul. I will still enter them since I have friends and family that attend and don’t wan’t to insult. If i need to go into one for a family event I try and find an orthodox haschama minyan which will allow me to go into a non orthodox shul without having to worry about participating.