Archives for January 2008

Last week I dislocated the ring finger on my right hand. It happened so quickly that it didn’t hurt. One moment it was fine and then the next part of it was pointing in the wrong direction. I tried to pop it back into place. I figured that if I did it quickly I could prevent it from swelling up too much.

It was a nice idea, but it didn’t work. I tried three times, but each time I stopped. It wasn’t because it hurt, but because I was afraid that I would make it worse or permanently injure myself, which leads me to my next comment/confession.

I like watching American Gladiators. No, I don’t just like watching, I want to try out for it. I want a shot at the gladiators. I don’t care about winning the contest. I am not interested in doing it for the money. I want to do it because the competition with the gladiators intrigues me.

It is still as cheesy as the original show. It is goofy, but I wanted to do it then and I still want to do it now. But here is the difference. When I was twenty I was rock solid. I was in the best shape of my life. That is not the case now. I am not who I was. I can’t do everything I used to and that is part of why I want the shot.

I want that opportunity to stare them in the eye. I won’t smile. I won’t laugh. I won’t stand there talking trash. They producers won’t like me. I won’t look good in spandex. I won’t be the effusive, energizer rabbit. But the getting slightly older, rooting for Brett Favre crowd will love me.

There is an open casting call coming up next week, maybe I should attend. If nothing else I could have all sorts of fun filling out the application. They ask some great questions:

40) Do you smoke? Yes_______ No_______ Sometimes_______

Only when I am on fire.

43) In the lines below write a short poem or rap:

There Once was a man named Jack,
Who never once used crack.

That is pretty short. Think they’ll like it.

44) Draw a picture of yourself inside the box. I drew a picture, but it is outside of the box. I like to color outside of the lines.

55) Have you ever created a website or posted any materials on any website (including
My Space, MSN Spaces, Facebook, YouTube and similar sites?) YES NO
(Circle One)
If YES, describe the website(s) you created and/or the materials you posted.

I have a blog in which I discuss various escapades and post silly videos.

You get the gist of this. I’ll keep you posted as to what happens.

Three long years ago I wrote The Search For Answers About Our Ourselves. I can’t say that I remember that day or exactly how I felt when I wrote it, but I can speculate. I can guess what must have been on my mind, not that it matters.

Because the thing is that as I sit at my keyboard I still feel like a fool. I still feel like a teenager who is on the cusp of finding those answers he seeks. That one elusive thing that would make sense of the world is just beyond my grasp. I can almost taste it, but not quite.

I am a tortured soul. Restless and second guessing the decisions I have made and continue to make. Don’t get me wrong, I am not stuck in self-pity. I am who I am and the decisions I have made are mine. Some of them have been very wise and some not so smart. I take responsibility for them.

Some of my friends are very good at just going along with life. They just accept what they are given and they’re happy, or so they appear to me. I am not as good about that. I feel deeply. When I am happy I am quite happy and when I am not, well life can seem pretty dismal.

Failure is something that I have grown familiar with. There are things that I have failed at. I am good at many things, perhaps great at some and others a failure.

In spite of it all I don’t feel like a failure. Maybe it is a mind game, but I still believe that a failure is someone who doesn’t get back up when they get knocked down. That is one thing that I have going for me. I don’t give up easily. I am not always smart enough to recognize that I am losing, but then again that determination is sometimes why I succeed.

Life has its moments. When I look back at the last five years there is a lot to look at. Some of it is very unpleasant. I have been to so many funerals and said goodbye to so many people. Financially it has been up and down and up and down. That is great if you are on a carousel, fabulous if you are describing sex, but not so much fun when you are taking care of a family.

If you are wondering why I am babbling like this, well it is safe to say that I got punched in the mouth today. Not literally, but that is how I feel. So I am here at the keyboard venting. In a few minutes the sad guy will be replaced by the man with the burning anger and I’ll take advantage of that.

I’ll use that energy to take care of something. I’ll channel it and we’ll see it serve me instead of me serve it. And that is the difference between being 20 and almost 40. Twenty years ago it would have been very hard not to run and scream.

Now I scream in cyberspace. It really works out well. My throat doesn’t hurt. The neighbors don’t complain and I can’t think of a third reason so I’ll end this post here.