The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for May 2008

What If The Plane Crashes

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The Controlled Impact Demonstration was an exp...
The Controlled Impact Demonstration was an experiment conducted by NASA and the FAA at Edwards Air Force Base in California. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A last minute business trip has me feeling more harried than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Racing around trying to get normal errands and a slew of new ones done in half the time. Disorganized, scrambled, disjointed and a bit disconcerted.

Not how I normally operate, no really it isn’t. Breathless, heart pounding, too big a deal to blow and yet not big enough to take that seriously. I find myself short tempered and easily irritated, or maybe that is my normal persona.

Have to be up before the crack of down to race off to the airport to go swimming in uncharted waters. Contradictions abound, confident and nervous, feeling optimistic and despondent. If only I could have a little bit more time things would be easier, but that is not how it is.

It is never easy. Not for me, not for me. The trick is reminding myself that no matter what happens I always land of my feet. Better than a cat, not as graceful, but a thick skull helps cushion the blows.

Gather myself and get composed. All is well. The skitter-scatter of earlier has passed and I am ready to hit the world. All is good. All will be well because I’ll make it that way and then the kids hit me.

“Daddy, what happens if the plane crashes?” “Daddy, what happens if it runs out of gas.” “Daddy, if you die I am going to cry forever.”

Torn by their plaintive cries I reassure them that nothing is going to happen. I flash them my best fatherly smile and sweep them into my arms. I don’t know where this fear comes from, but I am here to help them.

Flashes of the auto accident I was in a few years ago remind me that things could have turned out very differently. My car was totaled. Tow truck driver didn’t believe that I walked away, called me Superman.

I laugh to myself at the memory and realize that turning 39 bothers me more than I want to admit. Am I really having an early mid life crisis. That is not me, but maybe it is.

I play ball with reckless abandon throwing my body every which way. I am covered in bruises. My knees hurt, an elbow aches and the pinched nerve in my neck is acting up. Every day I fight to prove to myself that the clock has stopped ticking. Every morning I wake up and feel like I got my butt kicked.

“Daddy, can you promise me that the plane will not crash.”

Torn, I want to say yes, but part of me hesitates. What if it does. What if I die. Will my lying create more issues. Decide to lie, stats say that it is unlikely.

I used to love flying, but now it has turned into such a pain. I am not real excited about getting on the plane. I’ll do it because it is worth doing, but I won’t like it.

Make my daughter smile by telling her I need a special princess kiss to protect me. One more hug from her big brother and it is off to bed. Time for me to finish packing.

I am off into the wild blue yonder. My stomach aches and my head hurts. I must really be tired because this whole deal bothers me more than normal. Going to get some shuteye because I know that a good night’s rest cures a lot.

Wish me luck and I’ll see you later.

If You’re Hairier Than Bigfoot

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If you’re Hairier than Bigfoot or make Cousin It look like a candidate for Rogaine you just might want to check out the Mangroomer. It is a product that I swear should be attached to a Ronco commercial.

The image below cracks me up, but I have to ask why they used a hairless model to promote the superior advantages of the Mangroomer to other proven sources of hair removal such as Nair, wives, razor blades, forest fires and tuition bills.Now part of me feels badly about making fun of such a fine device, but this just begs for it. Certainly I am not as obnoxious as the people at Shaverama who had the following to say:

We’re going to wait for the “BUTTCRACK” shaver.

Now that is the kind of high praise that every inventor wishes that they would receive. Or to dig something out of the archives, I bet that Old Doc Bean wishes that he would have had this option.

Traveling Jack’s Sideshow Extravaganza

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It has been one heck of a week. I have been in and out of so many juke joints I am not quite sure what day of the week it is.

Anyhoo, I may or may not have time to write some new posts so for now I am going to leave you with an invitation to search through the archives or spend a little time reading/re-reading these golden oldies.

Later on I might have to read them myself and see if I still agree with what I wrote.

Why The Baal Teshuva World Irritates Me
Morality Without Religion- A Comment to The Self-Righteous
The Long And Winding Road
The Long And Winding Road Part Two
The Long and Winding Road Part Three
The Long And Winding Road Part 4
Playing Games With Telemarketers
What The Hell Happened to Courtesy
Blog Questions We Ask Ourselves

Back later, I hope.

From The Mailbag

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Readers email me all the time. Here are a few notes and the foolish answers that I decided to share with you. Can’t say that they are all that insightful or interesting, but nonetheless they are yours to consume.

Dear Jack,

Who are Johnny and June?

Thanks,

Dave Hill

Dear Dave,

I see that you are busy. Far too busy asking questions. Don’t you know that curiosity killed the cat. The answer is that you know Johnny and June.

Thanks,

Jack

Dear Jack,

You seem like a real pain in the ass to deal with. How do people deal with you?

-Mike

Mike,

Usually with a deck of marked cards.

Jack,

How would you describe yourself?

Yours,

Maxine

Dear Maxine,

Here is your answer: A work in progress. How’s that.

Jack,

What is your relationship to Jameel’s waffles?

-Rafi

Rafi,

I’d say murderous. He cooks ’em and I eat ’em.

Hi Jack,

How many bloggers have you met in person?

-Marc

Hi Marc,

Approximately 6.

Thanks,

Jack

Walkabout- Time To Look For Answers

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Freestyle blogging coming fast and furious. Various thoughts about things that I think I think or might not think that I think or could think that I think. It doesn’t make sense to me either.

My father took a moment to complain/comment that my son has the same habit of asking for advice and then doing his own thing that I do. I had to laugh. I don’t think that my dad is all that different. It is kind of a rite of passage of the tribe of Jack. You find yourself troubled about something and seek out answers only to ignore everything that was suggested to you.

I like the idea of the Aboriginal walkabout. It is that time when you go out into the bush by yourself and take some time to learn about yourself.

Sometimes I remind myself that change is not in and of itself a bad thing. The fear of what could happen can be worse than the actual event. It is not always easy to turn off your mind and sit in the silence. Sometimes the easiest way for me to do it is to exercise until I am physically exhausted.

My workout ends and I sit inside the steam room and…I don’t really know what. I just sit there and continue to sweat. If I have done a proper job of wearing myself out I can’t tell you what happens, just that I am there.

Life is a roller coaster. Some moments are up and some are down. The hard part is remembering that the bad times will change just as the good does.

The really hard part about being exhausted is that it makes all of your problems look more imposing than they are.

Got a dear friend who is fighting to get through a few challenges of his own. About twice a week I have to remind him that it is ok to be upset. It is ok to be afraid. It is ok to feel like things will never improve and it is ok to hope that they will.

That may sound ridiculous, but I think that he forgets. Today I told him that things will get better and he said that they could get worse. You know what, they very well might. It is entirely possible that they will, but even if they do they will get better.

Some days it is hard to get through the crap. I can only speak for me, but I know that there are times when I feel like I am living minute to minute. There are times when I feel like I am floating through life and that real happiness is something that other people get.

But I am too stubborn to accept that or maybe too much of a dreamer. Who knows. All I know is that I have some dreams that I am determined to turn into reality. I don’t let the small bumps prevent those from happening.