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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Archives for April 2010

Dad’s Not Old- Cultural Reference Points

April 16, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

In the silent of the night I can hear the echoes of the past reaching out to me. Silent ghost like images march before my eyes, begging for my attention. Moments of time when I wasn’t anything more than the boy who lived in his parent’s home are intermixed with fragments of the future. The boy becomes a man, the son becomes a father.

In the midst of all this I stand in front of the mirror. It is Wednesday night and I am getting ready to play in my basketball game. White high tops, blue shorts, a dark t-shirt and two days growth are about to accompany me to the door. Just before I leave I look in the mirror again and do my best to look menacing. It is part of my pregame routine. Something that I have been doing for about 30 years or so.

As the realization of just how long I have been doing this washes over me I shake my head. Did I really start this during the first Reagan administration, or does it go back a bit farther, to the days when Billy Carter was making headlines for Billy Beer and Jimmy was talking about lust in his heart..

Maybe…I started playing t-ball somewhere around ’75, but I am fairly certain that it took a bit of time for the pregame ritual to start. So who knows, could have been ’78 or ’80. Doesn’t really matter all that much because I don’t feel old.

The mysterious pundits that people refer to as “they” claim that you age is a state of mind. If there is truth to that than my upcoming birthday doesn’t matter. So what if the calendar says that I am turning 41, old Jack says he is between twenty and twenty-five.

Out on the basketball court that makes me one of the old guys, but I certainly don’t feel it…much. The mind never forgets what the body used to be able to do and the ego never stops trying to do it again. When I am out there doing battle I am just one of the guys having a good time blowing off steam.

Most of the time I don’t notice the difference in age between myself and the twenty-somethings that I play against.The operative phrase being “most of the time.”

It is only during the in between or after game discussions that I become cognizant of the differences. Cultural reference points have become much sharper and far more distinct.

Off hand remarks about old television shows are sometimes met with looks of confusion. All In The Family, Bonanza, The Brady Bunch and Mash aren’t viewed by my young friends with any sort of nostalgia. If I hear the themes to any of those shows I am instantly transported back in time

If we talk about technology few of them know about how you could purchase tubes for your TV at the drug store. They don’t know about “rabbit ears” and how you’d fiddle with them to get a clear picture. They don’t remember that TV wasn’t always available all night long.

It wasn’t always like this for me. I used to be the kid everywhere I went. I heard hundreds of stories about where people were when JFK was shot and how that was a life changing moment. Frankly it used to irritate the hell out of me. I wanted to grab them and say to stop living in the past. Funny, when did I become one of them. I mean, I am not really one of them, but in some ways I am.

The Cold War was real. It was a big deal and I remember the conversations. The Iranian hostage crisis isn’t something that I learned about in a book, I lived it. Just like I lived through so many other “historical events.”

I remember hearing about Watergate and how Nixon got lucky. I remember when Reagan was shot by John Hinckley. And the uproar a few years later when John Lennon was murdered.

My friends and I never worried about social media. No concerns over what happened in chatrooms. But we did talk about going to the record store to buy an album. A few even picked up 8 tracks cassettes.

Let’s not forget how excited we were with being able to rent movies. Hopefully you picked up a VCR and not a Betamax.

As our parents shifted over from rotary phones we figured out how to press the buttons so that the beeps would play songs.

We started to come of age alongside video games. Pong, Space Invaders and Asteroids were a big deal.

If you were lucky you had Intellivision and not an Atari 2600. Don’t get me wrong that 2600 was a trusted friend that I spent many hours with, but it didn’t have the electronic voice that would growl “yer out” during baseball games.

I suppose that every generation goes through a period of introspection in which they complain about the newcomers or the shortcomings of those who came before. We’re no different. I look back and remember the freedom we had.
We walked to school, rode our bikes everywhere and stayed out until dinner time. The monsters of the night that we moms and dads fear now were there, but the news cycle wasn’t constant so no one payed attention. It was a time when parents could beat the hell out of their children in public and no one said anything. That is not something that I look back up with wistful smile, but the reality.
I saw kids get smacked in department stores, parking lots and grocery stores. You didn’t mouth off with reckless abandon.
The social and civil changes of the sixties were still causing waves in the seventies and eighties. My children didn’t care what color the presidential candidates were. Race meant nothing to them. I was more than pleased about that. Score one for now.
Back then my parents didn’t have to listen to my siblings and I beg for computers and cellphones. I remember as car phones slowly sifted down through the ranks of the very wealthy to the upper middle class. If you had a car phone in high school it meant that you were dealing or your parents were loaded.
Somewhere around my freshman year of college beepers stopped being the sole province of doctors and entered the mainstream. I saw how they could be used as an electronic leash and refused to get one. 
Personal computers hit the scene many years before I started my career as a university student, but they weren’t considered to be a requirement for students. The majority of us labored away on our Smith Corona typewriters. By the time I was a senior that had changed somewhat, but not completely.
Ask your children now if they know what liquid paper is or why it was cool to have an Erasermate pen. If  they respond by imitating J.J.Walker and shout “Dynomite” you need to have your eyes checked because you are not dealing with a child. Or if you are your child is a little bit old to be called a child.

There is a long list of other items that can be included in this. I can talk about how I transitioned from being the kid in the office to a seasoned veteran. It was crystallized for me when I tried to build a rapport during a meeting by discussing the affect that 9-11 had on business travel and learned that the other attendees had been students when it took place.

If I say “mom always said don’t play ball in the house” my kids take it literally and not as a reference to The Brady Bunch. A friend tried to make a joke about LOST by suggesting that it would be more interesting with Gilligan on the island. It flopped not only because it wasn’t funny but because the 23 year-old he said it to had never seen the show.

We really aren’t old, but we have lived long enough that some of our cultural reference points are dating us a bit. It is sort of a funny place to be in, but I am ok with that. It is not like I have too many options. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go place my order for my Ginsu Knife and the cool kitchen tool that RONCO is selling. And maybe if I have any money left over I’ll buy one of those KTEL music collections, they are pretty cool.

Filed Under: Life

I Still Dream

April 15, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

 I still dream about things that you cannot see, cannot touch but know in your heart. The moments and feelings that cannot be described but only experienced. The quiet times you share with the person that knows you better than any other because only they are allowed to step beyond the gates.

I still dream of hitting a home run to win the game. I stand alone at the plate and wait for the pitch and with one perfect swing I send that ball sailing. Fast ball, waist high and it is gone. Listen to the crack of the bat and start running because I don’t dare to jinx it by looking up.

I dream of that touchdown I scored. Broken play, grabbed the ball and take off running right into the heart of the defense. There is no trickery, no fancy moves or spinning to try and make them miss a tackle. It is a combination of dumb luck, brute force and sheer determination. Hands reach in and slap at the ball, bodies slam into me but I keep going. Unlikely and unexpected I keep moving because for that one moment all I know is to keep running. And so I head for the end zone unable to think of looking back for fear of what I might see.

I still dream of that moment in the ring. It was just him against me, two gladiators come to battle to be the last man standing. And you know, you of all people know how hard my heart was pounding and how very frightened I was. The pain of the blows that rained down upon me and the fear of losing was intolerable. Not because it was impossible but because I couldn’t stand to lose in front of you. I couldn’t take the idea of letting you down, so I stood up and took the shots and gave better than I got. And when it was all said and done I was still standing because I believed in you and I believed in us.

I still dream of that ship we  used to sail in and how it took us from paradise into storms and back to safety. And I still dream of how we fought to keep the elements, how the two of us worked together to make it all happen. I remember how we got lost and how for a while it seemed like we had lost our way and turned into strangers. And just when I thought we had it figured out I was washed overboard. The last thing I saw was you standing there, shouting at me and then the waves took me away.

I still dream about those days in the water and how I fought to keep going. The endless days and nights when it took all that I had to continue but I did. I kept going because I had a dream. I kept going because for a brief time that dream was reality and the tastes, smells and sensations stuck with me.

You can call it what you will. Deem it denial, delusion or delirium but I don’t care. Because I battled the demons, the storms and the monsters to find out if the dream could be more than just than that. When my body ached and my heart broke I kept battling because the soul knows something more.

Because when it is separated from its mate it can’t ever rest. There is no succor or respite from the drive to reunite. That passion that fuels the fire burns ever so brightly so I search for the star in the sky to guide me back. Instinct, determination and a dream are all I have.

I still dream about the day when we find each other again. My heart it still believes and for now that is enough.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

What You Missed- A Quick Review

April 15, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

If you haven’t been around here is a quick review of recent posts. New posts coming soon.

Buck
Sailing Along
It Happened One Yom Kippur
Loss- A Familiar Pain
Thomas The Tank Engine Has Left The Station
A History of My Child’s Life
A Test of Wills- Jack Versus The Puppy
Two Kids & A Dog- Part Two
Festival of Fathers- A Blog Experience #6

And your blast from the past:

A funny email about anger management
The Blogger I Used To Be

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Buck

April 14, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

(The story continues) 


His name was Buck and he was built like a gorilla. It wasn’t an affectionate description, nor a term of endearment. It wasn’t that he looked particularly simian, it was his long arms. Had they been thin they would have been called gangly, they were not.

Those arms were connected to a body that resembled a fireplug and to a brutish looking face. Dark eyes hid behind thick black eyebrows and a nose that resembled a pear.

He would never be called pretty, handsome or complimented for his looks. But neither would he ever be teased as it was apparent to even the animals that he was not to be trifled with. It was one of the things that set him apart.

Dogs avoided him. Big dogs, little dogs, Rottweiler, Pit Bull, Schnauzer, it didn’t matter, they stayed away from him, as if they could sense the violence that lay just beneath the surface.

Tom had seen it surface a couple of times. They had finished their shifts and walked over to a local bar for a beer. A couple of locals had the misfortune of poor judgment. He had sneezed and knocked over their pitcher of beer. They immediately began berating him and when he didn’t respond they grew more aggressive.

They mistook his inactivity for fear or who knows what. Had they looked more closely they would have noticed that his large hands were scarred and callused. A person doesn’t get those marks, they earn them. And those that earn them have a certain something that they bring to the party.

Tom was surprised, really shocked was more like it with the speed at which things happened. The man closest to Buck grabbed his collar and demanded that he spring for a new pitcher of beer. One moment he was standing in front of Buck, hands wrapped in the collar of a dirty blue jumpsuit and the next he was writhing in pain on the ground, one arm dangling uselessly from his body.

The second man didn’t have time to do anything before Buck and picked him up and slammed him face first on the floor like a cheap rag doll. The only saving grace for him was that the impact knocked him senseless, would that his sense would have flitted over to the first man.

If it had he might have lay still. He didn’t, opting to grab Buck’s leg. Perhaps he did so unconsciously, perhaps not. It doesn’t matter what the reason was, because Buck fixed his arm so that there was a question of whether he would ever be able to feed himself again.

Tom looked at his watch. It was 5:37, their shift had ended at 5:30. It had taken at least five minutes to leave the plant and walk to the bar. How did this happen so quickly and what was he supposed to do now.

Buck was a bit of an enigma to Tom. The fury with which he had dispatched the two men has dissipated into the ether. It was as if it had never happened. The only sign of his anger were the broken bodies of the two men and a couple of rivulets of sweat upon his brow.

Beyond that it was hard to determine if anything unusual had happened. He wasn’t breathing hard and his behavior had reverted back to the passive state in which most people usually saw Buck. Tom knew that this wasn’t what most people considered normal behavior, but he also knew that Buck had not gone looking for trouble, it had found him. And he also knew if they stayed there until the police came Buck’s trouble would include Tom and he wasn’t willing to let that happen.

So he grabbed Buck by the arm, taking care to make sure that Buck saw that it was him and not some stranger and suggested that they leave. And so they did, their progress was unimpeded by the other patrons of the bar. They were not people who had a great love for the police, but they were people who appreciated having two functional arms and after what they had just witnessed no one dared to challenge their departure.

Back on the street Tom considered what he knew about Buck. When Tom began working at the plant Buck was a Chief Machinist. Not that the “chief” part of the title meant anything, but in the 10 years since Tom had begun working at the plant he had yet to meet another Chief Machinist. Nor had he met any other machinists besides himself.

It was kind of queer. There was room for at least another three full time men, plenty of work to go around. Best of his knowledge the company was making money, so it seemed strange to him. But he had learned not to ask questions, what another man did was his business and it was best to stick with people of the same pay grade as your own.

What he did know was that Buck never missed a day of work. He didn’t call in sick, he didn’t take vacations either. He came to work and he did what he had to do. But that still didn’t tell the story. He was fast at his work, but not in a flashy way. His speed was deceptive, he always appeared to be moving at half speed, yet his production was faster than Tom and error free. And as Tom had heard, Buck had worn out at least three other machinists.
Each one had tried to match his production and precision, but none could.

Tom didn’t know this because of Buck, you could say that he knew it in spite of Buck.

Buck didn’t speak much and when he did it never was about his work and rarely ever about himself. Most of the other employees at the plant avoided interacting with Buck, he had a look about him that made people second guess themselves, double check their self-confidence. The thing was that Buck didn’t try to make anyone feel anything, the feelings were just a response to Buck. It was part of who he was.

During the first few years Buck didn’t say a word to Tom. The only way he knew that Buck was even aware of him would be when Buck came to his position to exchange a part or check the inventory terminal.

Clad in blue coveralls and safety glasses he would shuffle over and sniff around for whatever it was he needed. Tom knew that it was a little unfair to describe Buck in terms best used for a bear or gorilla, but it was hard not to. Buck had repeatedly demonstrated that he was abnormally strong and while he may have shuffled while he walked it was deceptive. He was fast and agile, his movements were actually measured and precise.

Old Buck didn’t waste energy with unnecessary movement or gestures.

Filed Under: Fragments of Fiction

Sailing Along

April 14, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

“And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” Khalil Gibran

Yesterday would have been my grandmother’s 96th birthday. Last night was supposed to have been a birthday celebration, but instead it was something else. Just another day. 

Just another day among the many days of our lives. Another day when I woke up and did my best to meet my obligations. Another day when I looked in the mirror and asked myself if I am leading the life I want to live and why I am not making the changes that I need to make to do so.

This blog sometimes reminds me of a pool of water whose depth is unknown. Sometimes the water appears to be still but things stir deep beneath the surface. And unless you are able to plumb the depths of those waters you can’t really tell what is happening.

The rules of the blog are simple. Be real, be open, be honest and be authentic. I continue to abide by those rules but I find myself engaged in more self censorship than before. Sometimes I feel as if I have been sailing through a storm and I can’t help but wonder how it is that I haven’t wrecked the ship

“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” Khalil Gibran

In a different life I once told a girl that it is not ego if it is the truth. She tossed her head back, rolled her eyes and laughed at me. We spoke about many things and shared some of the truths we keep hidden inside. I remember her telling me that she would bloom wherever she was planted but I don’t remember if I told her how that phrase reminded me of my grandmother.

Or how infectious her love of life and optimism were. They tapped into something. I don’t know if I am as optimistic. I want to be. I try to be, but I am not sure that I am. What I know for certain is that I have always gotten through rough patches because I am incredibly stubborn and exceptionally determined not to let things get the best of me.

Hmm..,Maybe that is ego, dunno. I just know that even if I wrecked the ship I would find a way to swim for shore. And when I got there I’d shake my fist at the sky. Somewhere in my baby book there is a story that my mother wrote down about a time when I was five years-old.

I got in trouble for something and as a consequence was sent to my room. Apparently I stayed there for a short while and then came out and challenged my father to a fight. It was my attempt to get out of the punishment.

See, even then I was a gambler and a fighter.

********

“I Am So Happy I Can’t Stop Crying”- Toby Keith with Sting and Sting with Ross Viner.

Sunday night I spent a chunk of time sitting with my grandfather listening to him speak about my grandmother and how he is adjusting to her loss. That song isn’t really the right one for this section, but I like it.

Anyway, it was surreal to sit at the home with him. He is in a new room and has a roommate. It is a new experience for him. For the past 75 years he had one roommate, grandma. Other than that there was the brief time he lived with his parents and the brief time that his children lived with him.

Sure you can argue that those weren’t brief, but for the last 50 years there really wasn’t anyone living with him but grandma. And now, there is a strange man sharing the room. So when grandpa told me that he thinks that the guy is a schmuck I understood.

And when he grabbed my wrist and softly cried about how much he misses my grandmother my heart broke because I knew that I can’t do anything about that but listen. I know about love. I know about broken hearts. I know about being a husband and a father, but what do I know about losing your wife of 75 years, the woman you met when you were 11.

He told me stories I already knew and then a few that I hadn’t heard. And then he surprised me and told me that he wants to travel. I was really happy to hear this. I am not sure if he is really up to dealing with traveling cross country now. Air travel has become exceptionally difficult and something that I find very unpleasant.

But I am a hair short of 41 and if need be I can stand all night long. He can’t do that anymore, but there are ways to deal with things, so who knows.

Filed Under: Life

It Happened One Yom Kippur

April 14, 2010 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

My post about Thomas inspired me to dig through my archives. I came across some really good posts that made me smile and decided to share a few with you. This is one of them. It was originally posted here.

My son may be five now but he is still young enough that it is not unusual for me to have to carry the sleeping boy from the car to his bed. Actually if I am not driving it is not all that unusual for me to sleep in the car, but then again I can sleep anytime, in any position and anywhere.

This evening reminded me of an experience that he and I shared a number of years ago. He might have been just short of two or maybe he was slightly older, I am not really sure. It was one of those powerful moments that imprint themselves on your brain in such a way that you remember them as if they happened in a different lifetime that took place yesterday.

Yes, that is an awkward way of phrasing it but I am not really sure of what words to use to describe it and surreal isn’t quite descriptive enough.

If I close my eyes I can see myself. I am wearing a doublebreasted black suit and a big black and white tallis. My tallis is quite large, actually it is a little bit too big for me but that is a separate story. My father is seated next to me and he is holding my son on his lap. The proud grandfather is beaming. His smile is as large as I have ever seen. He is playing peek-a-boo with his grandson, who is only too happy to use my tallis as the place in which he hides his face.

The time comes to say the Shmoneh Esreh and so we stand. Davening isoftendifficult for me so I often pull my tallis over my head and close my eyes so that I can really focus. As we rise my son reaches out for me and without thinking I take him into my arms and wrap my tallis around the two of us.

Now both of our heads are covered and we make eye contact. He smiles at me and I smile back. He is so very little and I see so much potential in him. For a moment I am choked up. I remember looking at that little face and blessing him. How could I not, it is one of the ways I have of trying to really express my love and appreciation for him and his sister.

When I finished he pulled me close and kissed my cheek. I remember that little body hugging me and within a moment or two he was asleep on my shoulder. I can remember shockeling to the tiny snores in my ear and really feeling my tefillah. It was one of those moments in time in which my own kavanah was exceptional and I really felt the connection to something greater than myself.

These are the moments that I treasure because I really do feel like I am getting a glimpse of a special place. It is a sneak preview of a world that I want to live in but I wonder if it really exists. I suppose that in time I may find out, until then I’ll continue my journey down the paths I discover and explore them to see what lies beyond the bend.

Filed Under: Children, Judaism

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