The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for October 2010

Ladies: Your Bra Might Save A Life

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Friends, here at the Shack we work hard in making sure that we provide you with news and information that makes a difference in your life. Your health, safety and well being are our priority which is why I am pleased to bring you news about how your bra can save a life.

Or should I say, that people around the world will thank you for purchasing and wearing the Emergency Bra. Here is relevant information from their website:

“The Emergency Bra is a protective garment that can easily be transformed into two respiratory face masks in case of an emergency.

The Emergency Bra is an example of a public risk management tool that can provide a person with a critical time window that might be sufficient to escape from life threatening environments.”

It can reduce health consequences of accidents involving harmful airborne particles, such as those released by fire, explosion, terrorist, radiological, biological attack, and natural disasters.

It is important to understand that the Emergency Bra is first and foremost a beautiful piece of lingerie.

You can’t argue with safety. Don’t believe me, watch this video. So ladies please remember the next time a man asks you to remove your bra you it just might save your life and his.

And as always we try to include a list of past posts that contained useful information:

Improve Your Marriage/Relationship Immediately
How To Use Office Supplies to Build a Crossbow
Who Invented Balloons
It is A Bathroom Revolution
How to Make Hard Boiled Eggs
What Not to Do-Snakebites
The Cubicle Celebrates 40 Years
How Velcro Was Invented
My New Desk- I Have To Get One
London Restaurant Tries To Solve Gas Crisis
Who Wants To Buy An Artificial Foreskin
Untapped Sources of Energy
The Mangroomer
Business Cards That Will Get You Business
Medical Technology- The future is now
Inventions You have Got To Have (Includes the ladies urinal, toilet forehead support system and much more.)
The Nose Pouch
How Much Would it Cost To Build The Death Star
Lose Weight With The Greatest Exercise Ever
The Best Clothing You’ll Ever Own
When Disaster Strikes- Blow Up Your House
A free guide to the toilets of the world
Aquanotes

Don’t Tell Me To Shut Up

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Your old pal Jack is known for being the kind of guy who really does march to the beat of his own drummer. He is prone to getting lost in his own world, is known for swearing like a sailor and has a sense of humor that sometimes borders upon the indecent. A scrapper and muckraker who isn’t afraid to get the last word in he is exceptionally gregarious and comfortable in his own silence.

His good friends will tell you that people love him or hate him and he’ll nod his head in affirmation. If that wacky Shmata Queen ever resurfaces she’ll confirm that sometimes storms follow in his footsteps. If he had his way he’d be just like Zeus, a god on a mountaintop who you don’t want to irritate because he might light your ass up with a lightning bolt.

If you ever wanted or needed to know how to get him to fling one of those bolts at you all you need to do is tell him to Shut Up. He finds it interesting to note that these two simple words set him off like no others. You can call him an asshole or a motherfucker and he doesn’t care. In fact, he might agree with you. Call him a jerk, a schmuck and a putz and he’ll laugh because clearly you have mistaken him for a Bostonian or Clevelander.

Tell him that he is a pretentious fuck who should stop speaking about himself in third person and he’ll nod his head but he won’t stop until he is ready because he is oppositional, adversarial and grumpy. A 41.5 year old curmudgeon who works hard at honing his craft he finds all this nonsense to be mildly amusing.

Why oh why do those two words set him off? Well, as he sits here wondering aloud it occurs to him that he doesn’t pay much attention to any of the “harsher” curse words or “shut up” unless they are used by certain people. His mommy and daddy should be proud that he learned the old sticks and stones rhyme so well because that is sort of where it began, this ability to ignore the epithets and colorful descriptions that people have hurled at him.

So you might wonder if those certain people can upset him by using those other words and the truth is that they can, but only to an extent. For whatever reason, “Shut Up” just bothers him more and if you use it be prepared for his response. But if you are among the select group who are capable of getting under his skin you are already know these things so the purpose and point of this post is questionable.

Or maybe not, maybe this is just another writing exercise that he uses to prepare himself to begin the working on the writing that pays the bills.

The Next Time I Visit Ikea

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The next time I go to Ikea I have decided that I am going to have some fun. I have decided that I want to replace the store signs with some of my own devising.

As you may know Ikea is Swedish and virtually all of the items in the store are marked in English and Swedish. If you take a look at the Ikea catalogue here you’ll see what I am talking about.

Since most Americans don’t speak Swedish I figure it should be relatively easy to start an Ikea revolution. How many of the Ikea employees are going to realize that any changes have been made.

For example what would happen if you saw an easel and saw that it was called an Artfouker. It is Swedish, you don’t speak Swedish. You wouldn’t think twice about it. It should be easy to go through and make a few changes here and there.

Want something for your bedroom? Maybe you need to buy a Floozieliker. In the bathroom you’ll probably need to get a Strudelsocker or Coksenhoser.

The kitchen could use a few Meathosen and Gorken.

See the possibilities are endless.

Related link:

Do you speak Ikea?

The Universe Taps You On The Shoulder

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Johnny sat on his couch, a bottle of Fat Weasel Pale Ale in hand and a goofy grin on his face.

For more than a while he had this feeling that someone was trying to send him a message, but he was never clear about what it was or what he was supposed to do about it.

He was a man who liked to base his beliefs upon science and the tangible, or so he would tell you.

But sometimes in the quiet of the night he would stare up at the moon and feel like there was something more than science out there.

He’d lie on his back and look for shooting stars and just open himself up to the possibility that maybe the universe did send you messages.

It wasn’t always easy for him. He was a skeptic who sometimes straddled his disbelief by silently reviewing the reasons why something or someone wasn’t really meant to be.

It wasn’t hard to poke holes in these dreams.

If you would have asked him he would tell you that it was easy for con artists to take your money.

The old gypsy woman who sold Love Potion Number 9, the psychic and mediums who told your fortune knew that most people visited them because they wanted help with their love life or finances. All you had to do was give people an opening and they would practically write the story for you.

And yet he had experienced things that made him wonder if perhaps he was wrong. There were moments in which those signs were as clear as a grapevine or that yellow rose of Texas.

He took a swig of the Fat Weasel and sung softly, “The stars at night, Are big and bright, Deep in the heart of Texas…”

He wasn’t so sure what made him think of Texas, but in an odd, convoluted way it sort of fit. The song did talk about stars and he did like to spend time staring up at them.

He had told June more than once that if she wanted the moon he would find a way to get it for her. He smiled again and muttered something about not knowing who was crazier, him or June.

It felt like forever since he had spoken with June and had you talked to him a week or two earlier he would have told you that he was done. He was tired of it all, worn out, exhausted and ready to say that it was fun while it lasted.

These weren’t just words to him.

He meant what he said and he had intended to do what he had to do to walk.

So he drew a mental picture in his head of himself standing in a room and then pictured himself turning out the lights, pulling the shades and walking out the door.

That mental picture wasn’t easy to come up with, but it seemed to be the right thing so it was what he did.

And with a simple click he locked the door and took the first steps to an unknown future. At least that was what he had intended to do but life has a funny way of taking your intentions and turning them inside out or upside down.

If life were made by Hollywood the scene would have been easy to script.

All that he described would be performed by skilled actors who would make it clear that this wasn’t a part of some formulaic romance. It was real and it was true. And just when the audience bought into the story something would happen that would lead the two of them back into each others arms.

But it wasn’t Hollywood- it was life and sometimes the hero stumbles or the villain gets the girl.

And Johnny, our closet skeptic wasn’t willing to open himself up to the possibility that some of this was part of some larger master plan.

Sure, he wanted to believe that there was something more but it really didn’t make sense so he didn’t bother to consider it as even being an option. At least that is how it started and maybe if were a different person that is how it would have stayed.

But things happened, weird moments that he couldn’t explain as being anything other than signs that maybe someone or something was trying to speak to him.
At least that is what he was beginning to think. Still it wasn’t a comfortable thought so he fought it down and read the newspaper. And just when he had pushed it out of his head he heard the opening to Helter Skelter.

“When I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and turn
and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Do you don’t you want me to love you
I’m coming down fast but I’m miles above you
Tell me tell me come on tell me the answer
and you may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer”

He smiled and shook his head again. He didn’t know if the universe was tapping him on the shoulder but he couldn’t shake the feeling that somewhere out there June was silently asking him to call.

It would be fitting, damn woman used to tease him that she only let him think that he was in control when in reality she was.

So he sent out a silent message in response where he told her that he heard her calling and that if she wanted to talk her damn fingers weren’t broken.

Dial the damn phone woman and I’ll talk to you.

With a snort and a smirk he finished his drink and wondered if the universe worked that way. He figured that if there was anything to it he would find out, because if the universe really does speak to you, well he is listening or it seemed.

I’m Still Not Chris Brogan

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I’m still not Chris Brogan and I am ok with that and not because he said not to be him. In fact a month ago I said that I Am Not Chris Brogan. While some things have changed there haven’t been any meetings with witch doctors, warlocks, wizards, witches or aliens that could have turned me into Chris and I am cool with that.

I like being me and not just because I don’t know how to be anyone else. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that I could play ball like Michael Jordan or hit a baseball like Hank Aaron. Look at my shelves and might want to know if I would like to be Bruce Springsteen or Ray Charles. Or maybe I wish that I could write like Hemingway, Donaldson or Tolkien.

It is not hard to find lots of examples of people that intrigue and or attract me. I could add a bunch of scientists, mathematicians, doctors and teachers to the list. It is not hard because I am very aware of what it is that I want and what I want to accomplish.

Ask my children and they will tell you that their father talks about making a difference in the world because I believe that it is important to do so. Ask them and they will tell you that I talk about swimming against the stream not because it is popular to be part of the counter culture or because I think it is cool. But because I believe that part of becoming the best person you can be is by being who you are.

And the older I get the more apparent it becomes to me that who I was is not who I am now or who I am going to be. It fascinates me, this exercise in introspection because the future I see ahead of me isn’t one that I ever anticipated being a part of. It is a bit frightening and yet very exciting.

Sometimes the boys and I sit down and laugh at the absurdity of our lives. The conversations, challenges and questions aren’t any different than those of our fathers and grandfathers. We talk about our purpose and desire. We ask where the time has gone and wonder if we are the parents that we are supposed to be. We demand more of ourselves and of our lives.

In the silence of the night as I prepare to close my eyes I sometimes try to turn off my mind and just…be. It is a challenge that I don’t always overcome. Sometimes there is too much to think about and so I just go with it. But the one thing that I know for certain is that the advice that was given to me ten thousand years ago is still sound.

Do your best and try your hardest. And when the lights go out you’ll be able to drift off with the comfort of knowing that you gave your best effort because it is all that you can do. It sounds like a cliche and there have been moments where I have hated thinking, hearing and or reading it. Moments where I looked out my window and wondered how it was that life fell short. Minutes where I felt like a fraud and a failure and asked if I would always feel like I was on the outside looking in.

But the joy and beauty of life experience is that if you let yourself be open to the lessons you learn you realize that you have always gotten through the dark moments. It is not always easy to see or to accept- but it works for me and that is what is important.

Find what works for you and do that, be that, live that. I often talk about being authentic. The authenticity that I search for is simple. I just want to be the most authentic me that I can. It is what and who I know best.