Archives for May 2011

Perfect In Her Imperfections

May 27, 2011 by Jack Steiner 14 Comments

An excerpt from a story that was started but has no end…

She was perfect in her imperfections and I loved ever more deeply and passionately for them. I didn’t see worry lines or wrinkles in her face. To me they illustrated character and beauty and a wealth of wisdom that can only be earned by having been privileged to live for more than a few years. When I looked inside her eyes I saw a depth that didn’t exist elsewhere and in return I shared a smile that was reserved solely for her. While there is no doubt that there was some disappointment in not having been able to experience and share personal and private moments before that there were benefits that were born because of experience.

Among the very few regrets was the reflection she saw in my eyes didn’t accurately or effectively display what I saw or how I felt.

She Was Wrong

May 26, 2011 by Jack Steiner 44 Comments

This is a post based upon a prompt from the Red Dress Club:

This week we asked you to write a post beginning with the words, “This was absolutely the last time” and ending with “She was wrong.” The word count was 600.

This was absolutely the last time that he would kiss his children goodnight in this house. In a matter of hours the only home they had ever known would be taken from them and sold at auction. In a matter of moments something he had worked so very hard for would be taken from him and given to strangers.

Strangers would move in and erase all evidence of the family that had once lived there. These strangers would walk from room to room but never hear the voice of the children who had once lived there. They wouldn’t hear them say I love you daddy or help me daddy, I am scared. They wouldn’t see daddy come running to fix the scrapes and bruises or to scare the monsters away.

Maybe the strangers would keep the chandelier in the dining room. Maybe they would use it but they wouldn’t hear the echoes of happy moments that the family once had there. They wouldn’t see the smiles or share in the family dinners.

Those strangers wouldn’t know how hard he fought to save the house. They wouldn’t know how he dug ditches and unloaded trucks just to make a few extra bucks. Nor would they know how the bank had promised to work with him. They wouldn’t know that the bank had told him that they weren’t in the habit of taking homes away from families and that they would be able to find a solution.

But the bank hadn’t found a solution or a compromise. They had lost his paperwork on more than one occasion or had told them that their requirements changed. Strangers wouldn’t hear the echoes of his voice begging some minimum wage employee to work with him. They wouldn’t hear him ask to sign a 40 or 50 year term. They wouldn’t hear the bank employees tell him that the past didn’t matter.

Strangers wouldn’t know how bitter it made him to fail or how some nights he would pace sit alone in the dark because he couldn’t sleep. They wouldn’t know about the file of job applications that he kept and how he hoped that maybe something would fall into place, but nothing ever did.

He was overqualified for menial and retail positions and kept out of middle to senior level positions because he would have earned too much. They wouldn’t know how sometimes he would stand and listen to the soft snores that came from the children as they slept.

The same children he had promised to protect, feed, clothe and educate. How many times did he stand alone in the dark and stare at their sleeping bodies. How many times did he thank god that they were unaware of just how dire the situation had become.

Morning would come and they would wake up and enjoy one last meal. He expected that there would be tears and questions. They would ask why they couldn’t stay. They would want to know why someone was taking their home away from them. They would want to know why and he had no explanation that he could offer.

There was nothing to be gained by saying that they were living through the worst economic conditions anyone had seen in more than fifty years. He would tell them how hard he had tried and pray that they didn’t remember the time that daddy failed them.

He tried not to be bitter but it was hard. He could still hear the words of the bank employee who promised that it would all work out. She was wrong.

Links to Past TRDC posts:

Accountability and Forgiveness

May 26, 2011 by Jack Steiner 34 Comments

Today time is not my friend nor colleague. It is an adversary who I deem to be an enemy combatant and we are locked in mortal combat. There are things going on in my life personally and professionally that are very difficult. Some are quite painful and I find myself wincing, grimacing and groaning from the effort to take them on. I am unsettled, restless, anxious and concerned.

So I come here to my Fortress of Solitude and look in my cyber mirror at a tired face and wonder what will happen. Some of these things are a long time coming and I can’t say that they will be bad things. I can’t look at them and automatically assume that they will have a negative impact upon us. But I can’t say that the impact will be positive either. And that uncertainty is why I feel unsettled.

Change can be very good but it can also be very hard.

I keep listening to a collection of songs:

The words and the music wash over me and I think about what has transpired. Eyes closed I paint the picture I want to see and think about how to make it so.

Last night my body failed me. I was out playing ball with the boys and my legs had no lift. Posting up beneath the basket against a smaller man my back refused to give me what it always has in the past. Every time I went up I felt something pull. But a stubborn man I am and I kept pushing, unwilling to accept that I couldn’t do it.

It was a bitter pill to swallow- the realization that it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t turn the clock back. I couldn’t find the moment. I played through it and finished the game. Got back up and played two more. But each time I ran out there I was less than I was before and I walked off the court earlier than I normally would.

Today I feel the aftermath of the battles. It is no worse than normal. Nothing some stretching won’t help and maybe some Ibuprofen. I don’t think that what happened last night means that I can’t play anymore either. But it probably means that I need to make another adjustment to my game. Â It means that my fragile male ego has to accept that another piece of my youth is being taken from me.

But if I want to teach my children to be accountable than I have to be accountable to me. If I want to teach them to forgive than I have to forgive me. The taste of failure is sometimes bitter and I am not very fond of mistakes either, but it is what it is.

The Rules Of Blogging

May 25, 2011 by Jack Steiner 97 Comments

Typewriter

The Rules of Blogging are ever so simple- write with passion and share your heart. Open yourself up to others and to the possibilities that exist to connect. Bare your soul and share your dreams. Let the echoes of the past be drowned out by the whispers of the future and shine a light upon your soul.

At least this is how I write now and how I have written. This blog was born based upon a whim and had it not been for life it would have been set aside rather quickly. But things happened and I discovered that I desperately needed this place. The blog is where I rekindled my love for writing and rediscovered certain truths about who I am and what it is that I want out of my life.

It is not an exaggeration to say that I have shared some of my greatest victories and lowest points within it. Seven years of blogging about forty-two years of living should cover a broad spectrum. It should shine a light on some of the darker spots of my heart and the bright lights of my soul. There are simple stories about what being a dad means to me. Silly and thoughtful memories of things that my children have done are contained within these walls. It is a chronicle of thoughts, feelings and ideas. The history of my heart is documented in places.

Some of you will read this and wonder when I am going to provide you with the rules for blogging. You’ll wonder if somewhere within this post I’ll provide you with the key tips, tools and resources for becoming a top blogger. You’ll look for advice on how to build your blog and potentially monetize it. And when it isn’t laid out in a neat little outline you’ll point and click your way to the next stop on your cybertravels. Â But if you hang on just a moment longer I’ll answer some of those questions and give you some advice.

I don’t believe that there is one way to blog. I believe that there are many ways. I believe in building your community around you. Be open. Be honest and be authentic. Engage, interact and engage some more with your readers. Some people will tell you that you must write for your readers but I’ll tell you that I don’t believe that it is always successful to do so. If you don’t love this you won’t last.

Some bloggers will tell you that comments are like currency and that if you don’t get many you aren’t doing it right. I’ll tell you that it shouldn’t matter. Some will look at my blog and suggest that I say this because I don’t generate that many comments per post. I’ll respond by saying that if you post with the same frequency that I do you cut down on the number of comments. Most people don’t keep up and consequently some posts are read by fewer readers.

But I don’t write for you- I write for me. And I work on building my community around me. My regular readers are solid and committed. They show up time and time again. If I issue a call to action they respond. And those of you who read me consistently know that true power in social media is derived from whether people respond to your call to action.

Some people suggest that you find a niche and try to become number one in it. I don’t have one set niche. I am a dad blogger who writes about parenting, news, politics, religion and business. I am an executive who shares business tips on sales/marketing/PR and social media. I am a guy who writes fiction and hopes to one day write a book. I am a tortured soul who is content in his contradictions and a work in progress. I am a thinker who works on living his dreams and not dreaming his life. That is why I ask questions like Do You Know What Makes You Happy?

It is not unusual for me to read my posts and cringe. I rarely edit them. After seven years of this I have found my voice and discovered that I get more out of this when I just write. Because when I provide the raw material that is when I find the truth that sometimes hides beneath the surface. That is when I find the secrets that I hide from myself and that is part of why I write. This is one giant journey and I am here to learn.

There is far more to say and not enough time within which to say it. I have two guest posts to write and a ton of work to do. Not to mention that there are things going on outside of this cyber refuge that I cannot ignore or put off. I have wanted to take on some of these challenges much sooner than now but life prevented me from doing so. But now, those roadblocks are gone and it is time to don my armor and ride off into battle. If you’ll forgive the melodrama it is kind of exciting to know that the dogs of war have finally been unleashed and now I can go after them. I am not good at sitting around waiting for things to happen- action is preferable.

Read this carefully as I am only semi inclined to keep it.

Do You Know What Makes You Happy?

May 24, 2011 by Jack Steiner 54 Comments

I noticed that every so often I run posts on happiness and am trying to decide if I should be irritated with myself. I mention this because it almost makes me wonder if Â I have made any progress making some of the changes that I want made in my life. The words in the block quote below are 2.5 years old so one would think that within that span of time I would have made some changes.

Upon some reflection it is clear to me that I have made progress and that I am not where I was. There is some comfort in that but it still irks me to see how much farther I wish to go. That being said I think that some of the hard work has been done. Specifically I have identified some of the things that are most important to me and am pushing to bring those elements into my life while removing the others.

You should have seen the first draft of this post. It was pathetic. A collection of pithy phrases and gibberish that I am embarrassed to say came from my hands. Ok, it came from the melon on top of my shoulders. Anyway, I decided to try again.

Within the last ten years or so of my life I have been a part of or witness to some events that have made me focus on trying to identify the things and people in life that are most important to me. Some of them have been obvious and some have been less so.

I suppose that you can attribute some of this to painful mistakes that have made me take a hard look at myself. One of my great challenges is that I am very hard on myself. Sometimes I look at choices I have made and I just want to kick myself for picking the wrong door.

Friends of mine have told me that as one door closes another one opens but I always have trouble accepting that. It is a feel good statement that doesn’t always make me feel good. So I have chosen to take a slightly different approach and ask myself some very simple questions about what I want in life.

At the root level it is a question of who do I want around me. Who makes me happy. Who makes me feel good. Who stimulates me. What sort of work do I want to do. Not what pays the bills, but what kind of work inspires me to wake up in the morning.

What kind of things do I need. I truly don’t need much, but I do need some things and I haven’t any problem saying that.

Now I haven’t provided much in the way of details and I am not sure if I am going to in this post. Much of this is incredibly personal and I am not really sure how comfortable I feel sharing it. I’ll provide some general answers. In order to protect what little anonymity remains I am going to qualify this and say that I may already have some of the items I list here, or maybe not.

Let’s start with companionship. I want someone who makes my heart pound and my blood boil.
They don’t have to and shouldn’t agree with everything I say or like. It is good to have a few differences. But I want someone that I like and that I can speak with about anything.

It is not about someone to have fun with, but someone to have a life with.

Possessions- I want a comfortable house that I can entertain in when I feel like but it must be a home. I want a good stereo and a good television. I love music and sometimes I’ll want to watch a ballgame or cuddle up for a movie.

I want a great library of books to read and a comfortable chair to read them in.

That is pretty much it. Obviously it is not detailed. I didn’t forget family and friends. They are critical elements in my life and I want them too.

In between all this or maybe I should say wrapped into this I’d love to travel and enjoy some very fine meals.

Off the top of my head, that is pretty much it. The rest is commentary.

Today I Am A Man

May 23, 2011 by Jack Steiner 42 Comments

Today is May 23, 2011. It just so happens to be the 29th anniversary of my Bar-Mitzvah but I’ll round up and say that it is 30 years. Thirty years ago I gave a speech to the congregants, guests and family members who were there in which I announced that I was ready to assume my responsibilities as a man. I was sincere about it and figured that it shouldn’t be that big a deal because I was old enough to deal with whatever that stuff was that adults dealt with. It is not hard to remember thinking that my parents and the rest of the grown ups I knew took life way too seriously. Really all they had to do was relax and good things would happen.

The plan was to grow up and become a professional baseball player who would make a lot of money doing something that I loved to do. At the time it didn’t seem far fetched or unreasonable to me. After all the year before I led the league in home runs and was known for my fielding. I had a rocket for an arm and threw out two players at the plate, mind you one throw came from left field and the other from center. The 13 year-old I was didn’t feel like the majors were out of reach, I just had to wait a few years to get there.

It is not hard to remember watching the Dodgers play and thinking that if I was lucky I would get to play for my home team. Truth was that as long as I didn’t get stuck playing for the Yankees or the Giants I thought that it would be pretty cool. I was so confident that I would make it one day that I didn’t think twice of making a bet with one of my classmates about it. BTW, it was $20k that I bet- fortunately the statute of limitations has run out on that one. If not I am going to have to beg one of the teams to put me on the roster for a day.

Thirty years later I sit here in my home office staring at the dog wondering what I am going to do. Thirty years ago I didn’t have a clue that I would find myself in the position that I am in now. Thirty years ago I couldn’t have imagined that I would be wrestling with words and wondering about how much I should disclose about the situation I find myself in. Thirty years ago I didn’t worry about my words living on long after I wrote them. Thirty years ago I didn’t wonder about how they might impact me and whether discretion made more sense than just saying what is going on.

It feels a bit foolish to come so close to spilling the beans but I am treading carefully because experience has taught me that sometimes it is smarter to do so. This is not a teaser, This is not a post where I try to stir things up and see if I can generate more traffic and engagement. The primary purpose of this post is to serve as a tool for me to sort through my thoughts. It is one part evaluation and two parts therapy.

You see I am in the land that lies beyond anger and frustration. I have tried to remove emotion so that I can evaluate things more precisely than anger allows. There is no doubt in my mind that I have been fucked. That is the technical term, ‘fucked.’Â There is no doubt that I was done dirty but what is done is done. I can’t turn back the clock. I can’t fix what is broken here. All I can do is try to work on the future.

That is both exciting and scary. It is exciting because I see opportunity and potential to make something awful into something special. I am reminded me of an old story that I’ll share with you. Here is the brief version. A king has a beautiful diamond that he loves to look at and admire. Somehow the diamond is scratched and the king is irate so he places a call to the kingdom to fix it. Many people look but none are able to. And then when hope is almost lost a man steps out of the crowd and says that he can do it. So he takes the diamond and carves a beautiful rose into it and uses the scratch as the stem for the rose.

Suddenly it is not a scratch, it is part of something beautiful. Perspective is what that is. He changed the king’s perspective.

Perspective is what I am looking for and at. Because the rules of the blog dictate that I admit that part of my anger/frustration is directed inwards. I look in the mirror and wonder WTF is wrong with me and ask how I got to be in this place. Ultimately I’ll forgive myself because I am not a mind reader and much of this was outside of my control. Even so it doesn’t change the reality that I still feel like I should have figured it out…somehow.

But there is no time for second guessing and not much benefit or future in beating myself up over this. The one thing that I know is that I will get beyond this because that is what I do. And as I tell the children, attitude makes a difference so my bad attitude will be set aside until I can fix things. But I won’t lie and say that there won’t be a day of reckoning- it just won’t be today because today I am a man.