A moody writer is a good writer or so I wrote on my Facebook Fan page. Â Apparently people agree with me because I received a comment and a few likes. Don’t believe me? Well go check out the page and if you haven’t liked it than please do so.
I am grumpy, overtired and frustrated today. It is the culmination of a bunch things and I feel worn out and worn down. Got a bunch of rejections that sucked the wind out of my sails and made me shake my head.
It is not the first time that I have been rejected nor will it be the last. Fact is that my son has heard me review the short list of rejection. It includes jobs I didn’t get, places that fired me, girls that broke up with me and the story of the time my middle sister knocked out one of my teeth.
Those tales that I told were part of my pep talk for him. He was having a hard time with some stuff and needed dad to bring his ‘A’ game and I brought it.
I sang a song for him that pumped him up and made him feel like he could tear down a brick wall barehanded. I used most but not all of my tricks and made a point to bring Master Yoda into it too.
Some of you will see that as a silly pop culture reference but not he and not I.
I have thought about that line a lot lately. It fits with my mood and is tied into my frustration. During the last basketball game I played there was one moment that felt like it summed everything up.
I was under the basket and I grabbed three offensive rebounds. Three boards all on the same play. Put up three shots and I missed three times. I did it with two defenders slapping at the ball and my head.
If my son had told me this story I would have congratulated him for grabbing those boards and persevering. I would have told him to ignore the fact that he didn’t get the ball in the basket. But it wasn’t my son that it happened to. It was me and timing is everything.
Most of the time I do shrug that stuff off. It is a pickup game that I play in for fun. It is a game that I play in because it helps me blow off steam but this time it pissed me off. This time I got angry. The writer in me wants to tell you that I grabbed the ball a fourth time, elevated and slammed it.
But that isn’t what happened. My legs don’t give me that kind of lift anymore and the truth is that I never had serious ‘hops’ but I could get to the rim.
No this time what happened is that I got tired of getting smacked and I called the foul but what I really wanted to do was punch the wall. You see I was and am tired of feeling like I almost got that brass ring. It is irritating to see others get what you want and feel like you are so close you can almost taste it.
I tell my kids that it is important to manage our egos because it gets us into trouble if we don’t. I am no different than the next guy/gal. I have a sense of pride. I make no bones about having aÂ sizableÂ ego but I try to keep it in check and remain humble because I think it is smarter.
“Do or Do not. There is no try.”
I repeat those words to myself because ultimately the best way to prove my worth to myself and others is by what I do. So I try to let go of the things that drag me down. I try to forget about the girl that said get lost and the boss that said get out.
I try to forget about the strikeouts and the missed baskets and focus upon the things that give me strength rather than drain it. When I say that failure doesn’t have to be a negative I mean it. I don’t care if people say that is code for loser because they can go fuck themselves. Don’t care if that last line sets people off because we all have to find ways to push past the muck and mire that slows us down.
There is no single path through life no one right way to do it. The best way I have found to deal and do is to dig beneath surface and see what lies beneath. That is what gets me going over and around. It is what helps me to adapt and overcome.
It is part of why I acknowledge that sometimes I just feel like I haven’t got it. But I have found that when I do admit it I find new stores of energy and new resources. Maybe it is the universe acknowledging that I have asked for help or maybe it is something else.
All I know is that it works for me and that is good enough. I’ll leave you with one more thought to ponder.
“Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.”
Thomas A. Edison