The Mother Of All Blog Posts Told By A Father Part 2

WritingWelcome to the mother of all blog posts told by a father part two. If you missed the first one you are welcome to go back and read it. I am working hard to do the things that I need to do to live my dreams.

Lately writing has been more of a struggle, not to produce content because that is never a problem. The problem has been that I have been coming up short of the mark I set for me.

That is because I am shooting for work that makes me cry and  that is something that rarely happens.  I have a destination, an objective and a target in mind. I am resolute in doing my best to get there but I know instinctively that to do it I need to smash some walls.

Not the kind of walls that come from losing weight using the greatest exercise ever but the kind that live inside my head. I feel a bit like I am walking through a crowded rave. It is packed full of people and nothing makes a lot of sense.

Yet everything makes sense because I know that what I seek is being hidden from me. The information is there. I feel it calling my name and there is this magnetic pull to it.

If you saw me play basketball you’d see that I have a habit of sending myself hurtling after the ball. It doesn’t matter what is in my way I am usually going to try to jump over, step around or if need be run through to get to it.

Some of these thoughts and feelings are no different from those I expressed in the first post but there is one small distinction. Now I am confident and convinced that the path I am on is correct. It may be unmarked but I just have faith.

Faith that if I keep pressing I will find what I am looking for.

What Am I Looking For?

Some of it is simple. I want to clean up my blog so that it looks nicer, loads faster and leaves a better impression on my readers and guests. I want to continue to build my community. I want more readers. I want more followers on Twitter. I want more fans on my Facebook page.

Why? Because I believe that growing my platform can only help me. But I am trying to do it on my terms. I don’t blog like many others do. I check my stats but I don’t focus on continuing to provide content that is derived from keywords.

I don’t spend much time thinking about SEO. Sometimes I wonder if that is a mistake and if it is slowing my progress down. It might be, but at the same time I am trying to hit a specific mark with my writing.

I wrote this for Words Left Unwritten. Some time tomorrow I expect to work it into the main body of the story. I am not sure that I like it, but I feel like it is close. If you don’t want to read that particular post just skip past the text in the block quotes and you’ll see the rest of this one.

I had a dream and you were in it. You were the woman that walked into my life unsought and unexpected. You were the girl that turned my life upside down and inside out.

You found your way into the places that no one else had been and made yourself at home. You were given the rig and the privilege to see what no one else knew. I who had always been unwilling to bare my soul did so gladly and without reservation.

It was among the most shocking moments of my life and something that no one who knew me would have ever expected. The others had seen nothing but glimpses of what lay behind those doors but the moment I felt their eyes upon me I retreated.

I didn’t want it and figured that I didn’t need it.

Easier and better to be the lone wolf.  There was strength and nobility in my solitude and I liked it that way. Better to be an inscrutable mystery than to open that door and be wounded.

Perhaps it was a sign of immaturity. Perhaps it wasn’t. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter because when you left I shut the door again and threw away the key. When I felt weak or uncertain I composed a list of grievances and set it on fire. It didn’t need to be a raging bonfire because a slow burn was just as effective.

It kept the others out or at least at arm’s length and it allowed me to stay angry with you.

But time has a funny way of playing with people and with the fires we set. Some flames are extinguished and others keep burning.

So it was with the torch I carried for you. The fire never left and the memories never died. Though I did try to rid my mind of them. I worked on trying to convince myself that memory was incongruent with reality and that history was being seen through misty colored memories.

I suppose if we could sing we would have done our own rendition of Streisand and Diamond singing You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore. And maybe for a time that would have been all she wrote. Maybe for a time that would have been all that we could have.

But I have a dream that we are going to find a time and a way to give it another shot. I have a dream that the tears that have been shed and the pain of our separation will end. I have a dream that we are going to get a chance to do it right, except the funny thing is that in many ways I don’t think we did it wrong.

Can’t say what I believe in whether it is meant to be or not. Can tell you that I am sorry that we never got the chance to have those six kids we talked about. Can tell you that there have been moments where I have seen us together in my dreams. And every time I have seen a big house and heard a ton of noise from all of the children running around.

One could be bitter about that or get lost somewhere in the echoes of time but I hear the echoes of the future calling and I think we should answer. The dream I have now gives us decades of life to live and love and to laugh.

I am still here singing our song. I never stopped singing it. If I were a painter I would paint it for you.

There is this big empty hand that is reaching out across time and space. There are are arms that would wrap you in them and a heart calling out for you.

And nestled among the hope there is fear too. There is concern that maybe yesterday is all there is and that we missed out on the time of our life. There is fear that giving the fire free reign might leave my insides with fresh burns long before the scars of the past have had a chance to heal.

Yet that hand remains because the only way to learn whether a fool frolics freely is to dance in the fire and I have been dancing for you for a thousand years now.

In that dream I see you living your life but looking out the window. You are waiting for me to call or come for you. You give me the barest hint of your interest and wait for me to do what you fail to say out loud.

I know the drill. I know the girl who won’t ever say I love you first out loud is there. Air sucker, I know things and I see things. Just remember that though I dance in the fire I still don’t wear a sweater when others are cold.

For now I burn and I ache alone and apart. But the future is unwritten and who is to say what can happen. Submit to possibility and potential and watch what happens.

I see opportunity for more. I see opportunity to improve myself in every area. I see opportunity and I don’t want to watch it float away or see it slip through my fingertips.

Some bloggers only post their finest work because they are afraid that they might lost prospective and existing readers. I don’t worry about that because I can’t. There is no time for it. Some of you will love me. Some of you will hate me and some won’t know what to make of me.

That is natural and it is cool. I build my community around me and I hope that you are a part of it but I understand if you aren’t.

I show you this side, the ratty, seeker who wonders and worries because it is natural. It is me. I am also exceptionally confident and believe wholeheartedly that I am going to get to where I am going. That is part of the joy of life- contradiction.

What I know for certain is that I am in transition. Good old Jack is evolving but I can’t tell you how long this phase will take. All I can say is that I am trying to enjoy the journey and that I smile far more than I frown.

When I struggle with my writing I am going to push through it and hit publish because one of my dreams is to be published. You don’t write a book by only writing when you feel like it. You do it by putting pen to paper and or finger to keyboard. Sit down, shut up and write. Just write. Do that and maybe the universe will give you a straight answer.

As always you are welcome to share my adventure and walk with me on the path into somewhere unknown and unseen. It is 1 AM and I need to sleep.

Jack who never takes himself too seriously has left the building.

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  1. Rich March 27, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I’ve been having trouble finding the right balance between “keyword rich/SEO friendly” posts and just writing about training while simultaneously building my followers, fans, subscribers, etc. It’s nice to come to a blog and realize I’m not the only one with this dilemma. Anyway, in my travels today I came across this post that may help your website loading issue- I’ve been dealing with issues with an acceptable loading speed and hope this Chrome extension may help. Thanks again for the great post and I’ll keep you posted with anything else I come across, but so far that post is the best.

  2. March 23, 2012 at 7:28 am

    You make me want to be a better writer. I think I love what I write (and I kinda do) but then I read yours and want to be just that much better.

    • Jack March 23, 2012 at 9:22 am

      Hi Bridget,

      Thank you. You give me too much credit. I am just another person tapping on the keyboard here.

      But I am all for improving- it is why I write so much. I figure the practice has to help us.

  3. Harleena Singh March 22, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    I agree with most of the above comments as well Jack!

    I think your writing is you major plus point, as you have the power of writing with ease, and I love your flow of words.

    I too have often wondered as to whether is we can manage such writing and not worry much about SEO, as if you want to express yourself, adding in those SEO words becomes tough and cause you to often stop and check back or add them in later. It kills the real writer within you I feel, yet it’s needed sometimes nowadays – if you do want to rank well. 🙂

    Either ways, I don’t think you need to worry about that, as your writing itself attracts people. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing.:)

    • Jack March 23, 2012 at 9:21 am

      Hi Harleena,

      Thank you. It is a real question in my mind on how to strike the balance between solid writing and SEO.

      My focus is on just writing but there are moments where I wonder if there is a legitimate benefit in adjusting how I write to incorporate more SEO into my posts.

      If one of my goals is to try and substantially increase the amount of traffic I receive that might be something to consider.

      At the same time I still think that building community around us is quite valuable.

      That is probably best served by just writing because I agree with you that SEO can really create issues with the natural flow of our words.

  4. Lori Gosselin March 22, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Jack my heart aches when I read your pieces like this. I want to shout GO FIND HER! But you also remind me of a part of a poem my professor and published poet wrote that went something like this:
    “What did I want
    What did I need?
    I have everything I need
    wanting you.”
    I can’t wait until your book it out in paper format. It’s going to be a great read to curl up with!

  5. Bill Dorman March 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Jack has left the house.

    You are certainly a prolific writer and your stories breath life and resonate; it appears you are harnessing this beast and getting it in a direction you want to go.

    Just keep moving it forward and you will get there my friend.

    • Jack March 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm

      Hi Bill,

      Thank you. I am working hard to improve my skills and create the vehicle that will take me to where I want to go.

      I am pretty confident, but also impatient.

  6. Betsy Cross March 22, 2012 at 4:43 am

    P.S….I followed the link in your post to “like” your Facebook page and it brought me to Twitter…so I’ll find you page later! And Like it!

  7. Betsy Cross March 22, 2012 at 4:40 am

    I love you writing. You drive me nuts when I can’t distinguish between fact and fiction. But you’ve admitted that you like it that way! Transitions suck! But they are necessary. Right? You are smart to keep moving. Sometimes I let the stress of the discomfort make me over-think and stay still for too long. Answers come in the doing for me.
    Keep going. I’ll keep reading. Maybe not as consistently as some, but pretty regularly!

    • Jack March 22, 2012 at 9:12 am

      Hi Betsy,

      I appreciate your time. Come by whenever it is convenient.

      Yep, transitions can be rough but we don’t have any choices in life other than to roll with them as best we can.

      All part of the journey. Sometimes I hate saying that. 😉

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