Remember When I Punched That Wolf In The Face


Photo by-AinaM

Friends there are moments when you are inspired by something you read and you know that you are about the write the greatest blog post ever written. Sadly this post is unlikely to be it.

It is not because you won’t like it, it is because he and she don’t like it. You know the silent masses who send emails to writers letting them know that is inhumane to punch wolves or to let us know that James Bond isn’t real.

I concede that it is not smart to punch most wolves in the face, but that is only because you might cut your hands on their teeth. Kick them in the ribs or swing them by their tails- that is the way to go.

Interesting People

One of the best parts of being a world class blogger who is the self proclaimed “original daddy blogger” is that I have 10,000 posts floating around the net.

Why is that good? Because I get to hear from all sorts of interesting people.

We get letters, oh yes we get letters. Sometimes they are from people like Shola Rhodes who promise me millions if I would only help them defraud others. There are others who tell me I am not funny, witty or wise.

And there are the lovely writers who call me an ignorant Zionist whose head should be cut off. Those death threats are among my favorites. Sometimes I send them a lovely response with a request for their address so that I might send them a daisy…cutter that is.

Reading Comprehension Read This Carefully

People are unceasingly interesting and funny to me. Had I more time and the inclination to dig I would share the links to the posts in which I received some of the aforementioned kind remarks. If you feel like it you can dig around too, search for “Shola Rhodes” or “Bishop of Bullfrog” and you can find posts where I had fun playing with the people who wrote me.

Some of those were good, but I wasn’t serious. Of course others took me at face value and I can’t help but wonder about their reading comprehension abilities also known as “bullshit detectors.”

There are posts where you can understand why someone might think it is real.  69 Reasons Why Fathers Make Better Lovers has links to several posts that people might believe to be true stories and even though they might be marked as fiction I see how someone might be confused.

Some might argue that as a writer the burden of trying to prevent confusion falls upon me. Yet I would suggest that Caveat Emptor is applicable to blog posts as well as car purchases.

Down Goes Goofy!

When I was twenty my fraternity held its Spring Formal at the Disneyland hotel. We had a fine night of drinking, eating, drinking, dancing, drinking, drinking and then hanging out with our dates in our hotel rooms.

The next day I felt great and so when we wandered around Disneyland I was more than disturbed when Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum started a fight with me. Sadly I gave into temptation and body slammed him, causing a little boy to scream, “He is beating up Goofy.”

Art Babbit is credited with creating Goofy

Art Babbit is credited with creating Goofy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Would You Fight A Gorilla?

Someone else started a conversation about what animals we would be willing to fight. I said there wasn’t an animal I couldn’t take on and win.

Crocodile, Gorilla, Chip. Tiger, lion- didn’t matter then and doesn’t matter now. I would take those guys. The roster of opponents was opened up to include sea creatures.

I volunteered to fight the Loch Ness monster, a Yeti and Bigfoot- at the same time. I figured if I watched two or three hours worth of Scooby Doo I could devise a proper battle plan for defeating them.

Sadly they never RSVPd and I lost the major money I would have earned from that particular battle royale.

So one of the boys asked if I could take a Great White Shark on and I said sure. The rules of engagement were simple:

  1. If I fought him/her in the water I would be given Shamu as a partner and Flipper as a corner man.
  2. On land it was just me, but due to size differences, I was allowed to use any technique I chose, including the Three Stooges eye gouge.

It would have been a mighty battle and no one would be able to include me in their 5 Reasons Why I Hate Your Epic Content comments because it would have been epic.

Sadly, we may never know what would have happened or maybe these alligator skin boots are proof. Hard to say. Fortunately for you I will be back, but first I am going to find Alvin and The Chipmunks. Got a great recipe from Sarah Palin for some squirrel stew and I think those three will be perfect for it.

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  1. Annie André November 15, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    I am sure you were high when you wrote this. Sugar high or high on life, I am not sure.

    As for me, I am weak. I can’t fight a great white but I could punch a cat in the face.

  2. Larks ( November 14, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Love this and thanks for the shout out! Reader e-mails are the best. I bet it’s even odds that someone emails you about a) Alvin and the Chipmunks not being real, b) Even if they were real they are not squirrels and you really should be careful with recipe substitutions, c) Making stew out of Alvin and the Chipmunks is mean, or d) Political hate mail re: Sarah Palin. Good times.

    • Jack November 15, 2012 at 12:22 am

      Your comment was the shove that pushed me to write that post so you deserved the recognition.

      Can’t wait to get the emails you mention because they are coming.

  3. Joe November 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I’ve only been blogging seriously for a about year now (I think, I’m too lazy to check) and I’m not nearly as prolific as you so I don’t get too many comments from people who fail the reading comprehension test. But I did get one, and boy did I piss her off.

    • Jack November 13, 2012 at 10:44 pm

      Hi Joe,

      Did you check out her blog/profile? It looks like she is about 12 years-old and angry about everything. You ought to send her a note saying she is only angry because she is the kind of woman that can’t get a boyfriend. Just make sure you sign your name and not mine. 😉

      The longer you spend out at sea the more episodes of crazy, over reaction, misunderstood and misguided responses to the posts we write.

      That doesn’t mean we aren’t accountable or responsible for any of this because as authors we have to be, but some times people need to take a breath, slow down and read the post again.

  4. Stan Faryna November 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Myself, I prefer the imaginary animal cruelty of the Jack kind to the psychic mysteries and spiritual platitudes of the reiki kind. So go ahead and punch the wolf again. [grin] Sometimes, even a spirit guide needs a tweak on the nose.

  5. Julie Barrett November 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    You win. Ding! Ding! Ding! You made me laugh.

    You know how I feel about those animal contests…

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