Archives for May 2013

The Universe & The Scent Of A Woman

May 20, 2013 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

If you want to be a writer you have to do the work. You have to put in your time and figure out how to bend the words to your will. You have to tickle, squeeze, beg, slap, and bother them to change positions and assemble upon command. In between Â it all you have to read like a man possessed.

You have to stick your nose in books and newspapers about anything and everything. You have to cultivate an over developed curiosity about the world and ask why. You have to be willing to offend and praise.

Tell that woman she is the most exquisite and phenomenal creature you have ever seen.

Compliment her on her eyes and intellect and then explain that you are a writer and you want her to sleep with you for your next book. When she tells you to go to hell explain that you write what you know and you want to know her in the biblical sense.

Do this enough time and someone will say yes, or so I once heard.

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

The universe and I have an understanding about this. I told it that I was tired of being fed signs that weren’t direct and easily understood. I expressed a desire for clarity and it responded to me in a dream, promised that if I had faith and worked hard things would happen.

Well they happened and they happened again. My bet is that if I keep pushing they will continue to happen.

I can’t tell you if it is the universe making these things happen or if I am being rewarded by the efforts of my own labor and ultimately it doesn’t matter because what I want I get, or at least come close to.

I know things. I have seen things.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Out of order, I show you out of order. You don’t know what out of order is, Mr. Trask. I’d show you, but I’m too old, I’m too tired, I’m too fuckin’ blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I’d take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you’re talkin’ to? I’ve been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn’t nothin’ like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that. You think you’re merely sending this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are… executin’ his soul! And why? Because he’s not a Bairdman. Bairdmen. You hurt this boy, you’re gonna be Baird bums, the lot of ya. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, FUCK YOU TOO! Scent of A Woman

That is one of my favorite scenes in a movie. I love it. Don’t know why but it reminds me a bit of We Were Alone In The Stacks.

Maybe it is the passion and or fire. Maybe it is because it feels like Col. Slade is undergoing a reawakening and I am too.

Today was a day that I’ll remember because it was a day where I got a raise and a promotion. It was a day where I reminded myself that when you bust your ass you make good things happen.

When you push hard the universe conspires to push with you.

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.
Oscar Wilde

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

George Bernard Shaw

If you want to be a writer you have to be willing to just write. Send your words out for consumption and see if they are puked up and spit back at your or savored and delighted upon.

If you want to be a writer you have to risk having your heart savaged and your ego destroyed.

Failure to do these things may prevent you from being all that you can be, but what the hell do I know anyway. I am just a man banging away at the keyboard.

Misunderstood

May 19, 2013 by Jack Steiner 13 Comments

Distorted and misunderstood.

Can’t tell you how many times I have looked a picture like the one above and wondered what life was like back then. Can’t tell you how many times I have had a misunderstanding or disagreement with someone else and felt like my words were distorted and misunderstood.

Can’t tell you how many times I have felt like I was on the outside looking in and wondered what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on. Stood there and wondered if my not caring what most people think came because it is natural or if it is tied into frustration with feeling like my words have been distorted and misunderstood.

Where was the use, originally, in rushing this whole globe through in six days? It is likely that if more time had been taken in the first place, the world would have been made right, and this ceaseless improving and repairing would not be necessary now. But if you hurry a world or a house, you are nearly sure to find out by and by that you have left out a towhead, or a broom-closet, or some other little convenience, here and there, which has got to be supplied, no matter how much expense or vexation it may cost.
– Life on the Mississippi, Mark Twain

A short while ago I watched parts and pieces of the 2013 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I watched Randy Newman sing, saw Tom Petty, Jackson Browne and John Fogarty join him in singing I Love LA and smiled at the jam session at the end of the show.

The Wilson sisters from Heart, surviving members of Run DMC, Rush, Tom Morello and a bunch of others were all singing Â Crossroads. There was joy on the stage and joy in my ears because I love music and I loved the joining together of artists to create something special.

It is only within recent years that I have begun to think of myself as an artist and as of someone who needs to create. It is only because of life experiences I have had that have pushed me to reach deeper and try to climb higher that I have begun to look at life so differently than before.

And it is because of all this that I look at being a father somewhat differently than before as well. I look at this mishmash of thoughts and ideas and wonder whether I understand them well enough to express them or if not wanting my words to be distorted and misunderstood prevents me from sharing them because I just don’t feel like dealing with some of the crap that comes with it.

Bullying

Last night friends and family told me stories about incidents of bullying at their schools and I heard about some kids who were on both ends. I listened and thought about how one child got stuck because his parents set him up. It is not fair to the kid and even though the parents created some of this it is still not fair.

I think about it because my oldest is in middle school and has always been described as the kid everyone likes. But middle school is a crazy time and I wonder if he is going to become a target. It happened to me. It didn’t last very long but I wasn’t afraid to use my fists. I didn’t particularly like it but sometimes hitting the bully in the head with an apple can change their attitude.

But that is not what I want or am pushing for.

It is possible to get through unscathed and I hope my kids make it but I won’t be surprised if their words are distorted and misunderstood. Won’t be surprised if they come home and tell me stories about it. Won’t be surprised if one day we have a serious talk.

Thus far it hasn’t happened and to some extent I think it is because my son just doesn’t care about a lot of the nonsense. He feels no need to be like anyone else or to have the cool stuff because it makes you look cool. When he wants something it is because he wants it.

Peace of mind is a most valuable thing. The Bible has robbed the majority of the world of it during many centuries; it is but fair that in return it should give some to an individual here & there. But you must not make the mistake of supposing that absolute peace of mind is obtainable only through some form religious belief: no, on the contrary I have found that as perfect a peace is to be found in absolute unbelief.
Letter to Charles W. Stoddard, 6/1/1885Mark Twain

Distorted and misunderstood.

I don’t know when I became this man. He is harder and at times more abrasive than I would have ever imagined he would become. Most of the time I like him, he loves life and tries to live each moment.

He doesn’t spend much time if any worrying about his words being distorted and misunderstood, but maybe that is because he is lucky enough to have a few people in his life who take the time to try to understand and that is enough.

Time Travel and Terms Of Service

May 18, 2013 by Jack Steiner 7 Comments

The relationship between time travel and terms of service is straightforward.

I wrote a story for Yeah Write that is called Time Travel and is posted on a different blog that is not self hosted.

TheÂ problemÂ with blogs that are not self hosted is that you don’t have as much control over what happens to them and are subject to someone else’s Terms of Service TOS. If they think you have violated their TOS they can take your blog down and your recourse is limited.

Since I liked the story I decided I wanted to protect it by including it here where IÂ ownÂ everything and pay for a regular backup and I thought some of you might enjoy it too. Â You’ll find it just below.

******

I was reminded ofÂ this post todayÂ and thought I might try to do something similar.

But somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesnâ€™t really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say
Iâ€™ll always love you so

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe weâ€™ve only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to comeâ€

Somewhere Down The Road- Barry Manilow

You ask why I am silent and wonder why I do nothing but stare at you. I donâ€™t answer because I am not sure what I want to say yet, but I am pleased you arenâ€™t intimidated by the force of my glare.

The intensity is radiating off of me in waves. Moments before I walked into the restaurant a crowd of people saw the look on my face and made space so that I could walk through the middle of the path unencumbered.

Like Moses parting the Red Sea they moved to either side and avoided making eye contact with me. I strode with purpose and intent determined to see you again. The first time in years, unsure and uncertain of how it would go I sat down across from you and took you in.

We were both older. Much had happened in our worlds and I wondered if we would discover that the changes were so great we no longer would have common ground. I wondered if we would be like two lovers who had once been and now were left with nothing to talk about except old times.

That conversation only lasts so long before you stop it. You can laugh once or twice at this and that and then you realize that your memory of something good is all that keeps you from walking out the door towards what is good in your lifeâ€¦now.

Here We Are

That is not how it went with you and I. That is not what happened to us. We talked and talked and the echoes of the future touched the burning embers of the past.

I wondered if you felt the sparks like I did or if you could hear the bells. I looked at your face and saw my girl and my woman. Asked you if you still loved me and saw the look in your eyes when you said you did.

Tried to keep a poker face so you wouldnâ€™t be scared by my reaction because I knew that in your mind that love wasnâ€™t enough for right now.

You werenâ€™t sure about the timing. You werenâ€™t sure about a bunch of things so you were doing your own tap dance. You were doing your thing to be cool.

We Can Be Friends

You said we can be friends and asked me if that was too hard. You said that was all you could give. I told you that you should kiss me and see if you felt something more. I wrapped my fingers in your hair and stuck my nose in your neck.

You kept your face turned, but your breathing wasnâ€™t as even as it had once been. I didnâ€™t have to put my head against your chest to know your heart was starting to pound. Didnâ€™t have to do anything because the bells were going off at a rapid rate and I could hear your thoughts.

I didnâ€™t push you to kiss me after that. I was confident that if I had you would have, but I decided it wasnâ€™t necessary. You know the spark is there and you want to do something but the timing isnâ€™t right for you.

That is ok. There is no rush.

If this is what I think it is then everything will fall into place as it should.

I Know Things

I do know things. I know that if I am right you will be in my arms again and that weâ€™ll take each other back to the kingdom we once lived in together. Weâ€™ll walk through verdant green fields and stand upon rocky covered beaches watching the sunset.

This I know because the conversation between us is never ending and the trust grows deeper again. The song our hearts sing is slowly building towards a place where they will sing together again.

And together we will carry each other as we once did but with more appreciation, understanding and insight than before. The pain of the past is receding and we have already begun to heal.

When I see the silent tears slide down your face I will continue to kiss them away and then I will wrap you in my arms, pick you up and carry you because you donâ€™t have to walk alone anymore.

Timing

And should timing prevail and I find myself told to stand on the outside than I shall do that because I have come too far to just walk away. Walked through miles of desert to find out if my heart was right or if my head was correct in its assessment.

If friends are what we shall be than that is what we shall be but I am not going to worry about that now.

Not going to worry or wonder because it is a waste of my time and energy.

Going to focus on enjoying the moments and being present. Going to tell you I love you still as I always have and that you donâ€™t have to say it back to me. Going to say that there is real meaning in â€œI know thingsâ€ and that sometimes we just have faith in that which we canâ€™t see, touch or feel.

You are beautiful to me because I see the things you hide. You are beautiful to me because you are imperfect as am I. You are beautiful because we carry pieces and parts of each other and will for life.

We made the exchange a thousand years ago and a thousand years from now that wonâ€™t have changed. We will still know what others donâ€™t and still share what others canâ€™t.

Sometimes we will have danced in the fire and lived alone and apart but we will have done so knowing someone was always there to walk alongside when we needed them.

Sweet and Sloppy Kisses

May 17, 2013 by Jack Steiner 18 Comments

Friday rolls around and by mid afternoon I am feeling rather squirrelly. It is getting harder to focus on working and I am starting to think about whether I am going to grab a friend and go to the movies.

The new Star Trek is out and I am dying to see it. Make a couple of calls to see if I can find someone to join me watch Kirk and Spock save the universe from the evil manipulations of some villain who probably hails from cleveland but no one is available.

I can go by myself if I want. Got a theater out here that serves drinks and dinner at your seat but I decide that I am just not up for the flick. It is not because I have to go by myself but because I am tired, or as the docs would say, “Freaking Tired.”

This Troubles Me

This troubles me, this being tired thing. I am too damn young to be this tired on a Friday night.

Twenty years ago I would have walked or maybe sashayed out the office door and prepared to go out with the boys. We would have gone bar hopping, shot some pool, talked to girls and told ridiculous stories about work and conquests.

I might have walked up to a couple of the women and told them some over the top and completely ridiculous story and then called the boys over to support me. And like the good friends they are they would have said I was lying about whatever it was and we would have laughed at ourselves and had fun.

And more than likely at some point I would have carried one of them up the stairs and dropped them on the floor cursing them for being too drunk to walk. Ah yes, the fine memories of a youthful indiscretions is never far from memory.

Nor are the thoughts about the mighty feats we did as well as hundreds of stories, some of them might even be true.

Lunch Time Distractions

Can’t decide what I want to eat today and then I remember that my pal Jared needs my help. So I do a little jig down the stairs and slide into my car.Â Sadly it is not the Starship Enterprise so I can’t tell Mr. Sulu or Checkov to take us to Subway.

Nor can I rely upon the computer to do it so I sigh loudly and dream of a day when I am so damn wealthy people refer to me as the idle rich. Well day dreaming about it isn’t helping and since my Jedi driving license was revoked I am forced to open my eyes and drive.

Over at the local establishment I park my car and watch as a this beautiful woman asks her dog to give her more sweet and sloppy kisses .

Three guys standing next to me are watching and I hear one of them say he wishes he was the one kissing her.Â They all laugh and look at me.

I see the past and remember when I was young and dumb. They look at me and ask me to tell them how to be cool and suave.

There is a pause and then I tell them that if you have to ask then it will never happen.

Ok, I made those last two things up.

What I Ate

That is a picture of theÂ Smokehouse BBQ Chicken sandwich. It is part of the Fresh and Fit line and it is only$6 bucks. It is also what I ordered and ate.

Now you may be wondering if per FTC guidelines I am going to disclose that I was given compensation to write about this sandwich. And I will tell you that I indeed was compensated.

I will also tell you that back when I was like those younger fellas my favorite food was free. That was because I barely made enough dough to pay my rent and cover some time out on the town, but that isn’t how it goes any longer.

Now that I am older and wiser I want a good meal.Â During the work week I like hitting Subway because I usually walk away feeling good.

The Smokehouse BBQ Chicken sandwich was good. It is not my favorite Sandwich at Subway but I liked it enough to say I could eat it again.

I Am Giving Away A $25 Gift Card

Party people the good news is that I am giving away a $25 gift card to Subway and it couldn’t be easier to enter. All you need to do is supply me with an original song or essay about how I am the greatest dad blogger ever and why you wish you could be me.

Alternatively you can leave a comment here and I will use the random number generator to pick a winner. Remember if your comment is obnoxious I reserve the right to move my phaser from stun to disintegrate. 😉

FTC Stuff

Just to be clear the fine folks at Subway provided me with my own card so that I could enjoy the same sandwiches as the winner. Sadly it wasn’t in the same league as what Jared makes, but I am still grateful. 😉

What Are You Willing To Do To Be Successful?

May 16, 2013 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

Ndlouvu — I see majesty, power, wisdom, pride and opportunity.

The rules of the blog demand the kind of honesty that is uncomfortable because the focus is inwards. It is an unflinching look inside at what has prevented us from being as successful as we want to be.

It is a spotlight shining on the good, the bad and the ugly. It is where you see the parts of you that have aged well and those that have…not.

But before we can go there, before we can get there we have to take a moment to ask, “What sort of success are we talking about?” That is because without asking the question there is no possible way to answer it intelligently.

And the answer in this particular case is multifaceted. It is both personal and professional.

â€œif you expect to succeed as a writer, rudeness should be the second-to-least of your concerns. The least of all should be polite society and what it expects. If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered, anyway.â€
â€• Stephen King, On Writing

Jack The Author

Jack is a professional writer who has written for multiple publications on a variety of topics blah, blah, blah. That is all true.

I earn my living as a writer and I enjoy it but the truth is I am not doing the kind of writing I dream of doing…professionally speaking that is.Â I enjoy my job and I enjoy a lot of the writing I do there but the dream is to become an author of fiction who makes his living writing stories.

That is what I really want. I want to be able to just let the words flow from my fingertips and have millions of people pay real money to read my words. Not because my ego needs the adulation but because my wallet does.

I want to make enough to live that luxury life we see on television and in movies.

Do The Work

The next question/comment I have is to ask myself if I am doing the work it takes to turn my dream from fantasy into reality. The answer is…kind of.

I have a checklist I can run down that I feel very good about because I have turned water into wine.Â I have carried the world upon my shoulders and convinced Atlas to take it back.

Personally and professionally I have done things that I am quite proud of. I can look my children in the eye and tell them that when life got to be exceptionally difficult I found a way to get through.

I fought back and figured it out and we are better off and on the move upwards.

There are lots of good things going on.

But does that mean I am doing the work.

â€œYou canâ€™t be brave if youâ€™ve only had wonderful things happen to you.â€
â€•Â Mary Tyler Moore

Mary Is Right

Mary is right, if all you have known is easy, happiness and joy than there it is almost impossible to appreciate what life is like when you have to work for things. We can talk about whether it is fair to blame the rich who were born into money and wealth but from an outside perspective life seems a bit easier.

When you have a billion dollars behind you it is easy to start a business. It is far different when you don’t have that.

But the question of bravery doesn’t address the question of whether I have been brave in chasing my dream. It doesn’t apply any sort of metric or standard to whether I have done the work to breathe life into my unwritten books.

I can say that in the face of danger I haven’t flinched. I have looked it in the eye and stared back, but only in some areas.

Excuses, Excuses

The time has come to ask and answer if I am willing to do the work and if not, why. I have those answers but for now I am going to let them set because I think it would make a great follow up.

What about you?

Are you dreaming your life or living your dream?

The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants

May 15, 2013 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

â€œIf I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you wonâ€™t read that book again
Because the endingâ€™s just too hard to take!â€
If You Could Read My Mind- Gordon Lightfoot

â€œI have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I’ve been knocking from the inside.â€
â€• Rumi

Someone once told me that the heart wants what the heart wants. I donâ€™t know if that is a line from a book or a movie, it could be. Then again it might be one of those pithy statements that people come up with. Iâ€™d ask the person who told me but I can quite remember who said it. Hell, it might have even been
me.

The heart wants what the heart wants. You know what that means? It is a statement made by people who canâ€™t explain why they are in love with person xyz. It is what you say when there is no logical explanation for your actions. It is a catchphrase, a tagline, a slogan and a motto.

The heart wants what the heart wants. It reminds me of Shakespeare, â€œLife is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.â€ Somewhere my high school English teacher Mrs. McDonnell is smiling. Little Jimmy actually remembered a line from Macbeth. See maâ€™am, I told you that I could hear just as well in sunglasses as without..

The heart wants what the heart wants. It is the kind of thing you hear people say when they are trying to explain why they are hung up on someone from their past. Or maybe it is what you say when you stop denying the love that is in front of you.

If love were rational, if it were based upon logic life would be easier. When I think about some of the things I have done because of love I want to scream. When I consider the self-inflicted misery I have endured I want to cry because it seems so very foolish. How could I waste so much energy on such a silly thing as a woman, a single woman. The world is filled with millions of women. It should be easy to replace her. It should be as simple as changing shoes, but it is not. It is not, it is not.

The heart wants what the heart wants. It does and mine has chosen someone that is far more special to me than all of the others. My lips remember hers. I can still feel her touch. The pillowcase has never been washed because I have this fantasy that I can still pull it close and smell her.

Sometimes I think that reincarnation must be real and that in a past life I must have stolen fire from the gods or committed some other heinous crime. Because there is no logical reason why I would be punished in this manner. I found the woman that completes me. I found the person that makes me whole and I let her go.

She would have stayed. She would have held my hand. She would have helped save my soul but I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t make myself do it. Even though I knew it to be a simple thing. A brief plea for help and she wouldn’t have left me. I wouldn’t have been left to live in shadow and night. I could have been whole. Her love was enough to let me believe that I could have been something more.

But like I said, in that past life I did something. I earned the wrath of those who sit in judgment. Or maybe it is nothing like that. Maybe there is no reason why. Maybe this is all there is and happiness is based upon some sort of random something or other.

The heart wants what it wants and mine has betrayed me. In a different life it lay in a green garden beneath bright blue skies and now it is filled with weeds and fields of shattered stone and black night skies.

Once I might have hoped for salvation. Once I believed that I deserved better than this but now I understand that not to be so. Hades has issued his decree. I stand next to Sisyphus. Tantalus is my brother. Happiness is something that I can see but can’t reach.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

The Universe & The Scent Of A Woman