He asked me to promise him I would never move again but what he was really asking was for me to promise he would never move again.
And when I told I him I wouldn’t make any such promise because I could never keep it he nodded his head and said he trusted me to do my best.
I didn’t tell him that I often feel like I am the guy in that rowboat above and it is just me out on the sea with nothing but my wits, luck and force of will to contend with whatever I come across. I didn’t tell him how many times I have felt like I was out in the middle of the ocean floundering around wondering if the wave would capsize the boat.
Nor did I tell him that I never drown, no matter how hard and how bad it has been. Maybe it is because there is a part of me that is locked up that I have kept buried because I don’t want to let it out until I am certain the storm is over.
He is a few weeks short of 13 and though he is quite mature there are some things he doesn’t need to know or discuss, not now. Â But I thought about the movies we watch and this scene from The Fellowship of The Rings came to mind.
It has been a while since we watched it but I remember this scene ever so well. I was around 13 or so when I first read the book and I remember being crushed when Gandalf fell.
But now when I watch it I think about when my son and I watched it and how I had to be like Aragorn. I think about how hard that time was and how when I told the kids we were selling the house they cried and how I sat there stone faced because I couldn’t tell them how angry and upset I was.
We were selling the house because it had to be done and I wanted to have as much control of the situation as possible. I was afraid if we didn’t that things would get worse and then my ability to make a decision would be taken from me.
Anger doesn’t express what I felt nor does sorrow.
I was somewhere in between and it wasn’t the kind of thing a father shows his children.
Nor could I tell them how embarrassed I was. It wasn’t my fault. I knew it then as clearly as I know it now but I couldn’t accept that because the buck stops with me.
Nothing Stays The Same
It took a long time to weather that storm and to get to a point where we could see daylight. Took much longer than the kids know and I will always be happy about that because for a little while I was the guy fighting off the hordes by myself and none did pass and then…they did.
But we got through it and reached a place where the rain that fell came in drops and the sky was blue instead of Â black.
And now we are in this really interesting place where we haven’t quite reached the shore but land is in sight.
All we have to do is sail a little bit longer and then we get to find out if the natives are friendly and if the land is hospitable.
And if I can geek it up a bit more I’ll remind myself that the really good times did not come until after the Breaking of The Fellowship.
Time will tell.