Archives for April 2014
This Post Is Better Than Sex On The Beach
Don’t look now but that picture isn’t of people having sex on the beach nor will it change by clicking on it.
It is not like the blurry version of that crazy US Air tweet and might I add that I didn’t appreciate someone emailing a copy the not safe for work version to my office email address.
If it is not safe for work and you know this I can only assume that you sent it to me because you want to see if my promise to kick you in the ass with my size 12 boot is rooted in fact and not fiction.
Let me assure you that it is fact but in honor of that particular picture I am going to trade my boot for a model plane that shall be inserted in your private landing strip.
This Post Is Better Than Sex On The Beach
I’ll break my arm patting myself on my own back and say I am sure this post is of superior quality and entertainment value than most but if you really think it is better than sex on the beach you might not be with the right person.
A good partner makes all the difference but I am not going to say more than that. Won’t feed your prurient interests because this is a family blog and The Shmata Queen says I should focus on becoming a more serious writer, or was that some other older woman. 😉
BTW men learn from me and try not tease or aggravate a woman who can swing a 49 pound black purse with the same skill that wacky queen can.
Of course if you grew up on the mean streets of cleveland you might have learned how to take care of yourself too.
P.S. Don’t send me emails about the capitalization issue in the sentence above, I am consciously doing it because that is just how I roll.
Your Blog Is Like A Village
I don’t know if you have ever read Your Blog Is Like A Village but I can assure you that it is in the top 987 things you’ll read today, maybe in the top 876.
One of the reasons I can tease The Shmata Queen is because she is one of the original villagers here. Yep, she has been here from the very start. Sadly she hasn’t read every post but she gets credit for sticking it out.
Our blogs are like villages where everyone knows everyone else. The question is are they the “Cheers, where everyone knows your name” kind of place or the “everyone is in your business sort.”
I don’t know about you but I prefer the former over the latter but that might be because I like to think of myself as a blogging man of mystery.
Have you noticed I don’t take blogging or myself very seriously. Life is too short to be serious all the time.
Band On The Run
Been listening to Band On The Run quite a bit, don’t know exactly why but it just resonates with me.
Besides I keep thinking about the lyrics, maybe it is the part about being stuck inside four walls or maybe I am thinking about grabbing a beer with the jailor man, and sailor Sam.
I almost hesitated to mention those two because every time I do something like that someone decides to tell me that those two are symbolic for XYZ or a metaphor for life.
Now it may be true but there are moments where I am not interested in trying to figure out if there is a deeper meaning to what I listen to, see in a museum or read in a book.
To paraphrase a quote, “when the author talks about blue skies he is not saying anything more then “the sky is fucking blue!”
I love that.
Do You Need a Reason To Write
I’ll probably revisit this later but sometimes I want to shake the people who suggest you shouldn’t blog/write unless you have a reason. Why do I need anything more than when I write I do a little happy dance in my chair.
What do you think?
Blogs & Bloggers That Don’t Evolve…Die
Several months before his death my paternal grandfather sat up in his hospital bed and told me he would fight for every last breath and that he would be around until he wasn’t.
I laughed and told him I wasn’t sure if the Grim Reaper knew that in his youth my grandfather had been quite the scrapper but figured that old bag of bones would just learn the hard way. But I told grandpa to remember that there was no honor in a fair fight and that if he called me I would gladly give that old bag of bones a severe beating before I threw him in a soup pot.
Grandpa smiled and laughed, I don’t have to close my eyes to see those blue eyes twinkle. So hard to believe that it is almost eight years since he lay down his arms and chose to head off to see whatever lies beyond the veil.
Blogs & Bloggers That Don’t Evolve…Die
Passover started last night and the family once again gathered at my parents’s house to retell the tale of the Exodus and to take a moment to come together.
Midway through the meal I looked around the table and thought about all of the faces that were not there, some are still around but live thousands of miles away and others are simply gone.
One of my brother-in-laws asked me if I was still blogging and when I said yes asked me if I could tell him how I keep it up. I told him that blogs and bloggers that don’t evolve die.
It led to an interesting conversation about how our seder has evolved over the years but most of you are probably far more interested in reading/thinking about the evolution of blogs and bloggers.
The main reason I am still here after ten years is I love writing and that whenever it has felt like a chore I haven’t been afraid to shift gears and try something new.
Blogging About  Blogging Generates Traffic
Read through the posts here and you’ll find some serious and some snark content about how blogging about blogging generates traffic.
It is the low hanging fruit of the blogosphere. Every new blogger rabidly searches for ways to build their blogs and improve them so any time you write a post that provides guidance or “how to do XYZ” they are virtually guaranteed traffic.
My issue really doesn’t lie with those posts in general but with my disdain for the bloggers  that write them and and echo chamber that comes with them.
That is not to say all of them are bad or second rate but so many are, filled with a poor regurgitation of something that has been said a million times over and in the same voice.
Don’t ask me to explain why that bothers me because it shouldn’t but it does.
The Best Part Of Blogging
One of the guests asked what the best part of blogging is and I had to think about it. There was a time when I would have said the community that came with it and there is still much truth in it.
I have met some great people made good friends and done so in a way I never would have guessed. The dad blogger group I fell into is pretty cool too.
But when I think about it the answer is that blogging has changed my life in profound and meaningful ways. If you are among the regular readers you have read/heard me say that multiple times but this is a bit different.
Different because there is more perspective than in the past.
Blogging has been one of the best tools I have had for figuring out why I like/love/hate things. It is where I have gone to sort out different situations, some of them quite difficult.
Ten years in I can flip through the pages and see how some of the changes I set in motion several years back have come to fruition and or how they developed.
That move to Texas is huge. I never would have imagined that it would have had the impact it has or that I would be so anxious to go back.
Ten years ago I didn’t introduce myself as a writer or talk about the books I wanted to write and now I do.
One Blogger’s Evolution
If my grandfathers were still here I’d show them the picture above and ask them what it was like to build the pyramids. They’d make a crack about my being much older than I think but not so old I can’t do more than write about dreams.
They’d ask me to tell them about my life and to explain the kind of blogging I do now. I’d tell them I am a dad blogger who writes about what I am passionate about and that my hard head and I are trying to blaze our own trail.
They’d ask me if I was happy and if I nodded my head they’d say keep going and I would.
Blogs & Bloggers That Don’t Evolve…Die
Sometimes I look at my comments section and think about all of the familiar faces that rarely appear any more. Many are bloggers that hung up their keyboards.
Most of the ones who quit did so because blogging wasn’t fun for them any more. They decided they had told all of the stories they had to tell or that it was too time consuming or too something or another.
But if you ask me the big problem was they didn’t evolve. They didn’t look for other stories to tell or find new ways to create and bloggers that are one trick ponies sometimes find blogging to be rough when the well runs dry.
What do you think?
The Best Cover Letter Ever
Editor’s Note: Some of you may wonder if you can find information on how to build a paper clip crossbow here but I am afraid that information is located within a different post.
Have no fear, the cover letter below is among the best ever and it works… 😉
Dear Mr. Johnson,
Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.
Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.
In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.
Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.
The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am a conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.
As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not everyone carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.
I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.
Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.
Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.
Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.
Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.
Sincerely,
Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.
P.S. This has run before but it is too much fun not to use again.
Who Are You & What Do You Do For A Living?
“Perhaps A Career In Misanthropy would suit me better but today I am a writer.”
I went to a dinner party last night where I knew about half of the people there, some of them from when I was a high school student but most for not as long.
Wine and Scotch were poured and we went about the usual business of introducing ourselves to those we didn’t know and engaging in the typical small talk you make when you first meet someone.
If it wasn’t for my children I probably wouldn’t have attended because I wasn’t in the mood to meet new people and wasn’t interested in talking to some of those I knew would be there.
But I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it and realized quite a bit had to do with me.
Who Are You & What Do You Do For A Living?
“Perhaps A Career In Misanthropy would suit me better but today I am a writer” is how I responded to a couple who have known me for a while but whom pretended not to recognize me.
It was my silly way of poking them without being overtly rude. I am sure they had no idea that I said those words with unsmiling eyes but that is ok with me.
While I am often unfiltered and willing to speak my mind I have made an effort to rein it in a bit.
But that nonsense isn’t what made me smile the most.
What I liked best was telling people I am a writer.
Why?
Because it is a public declaration of who I really am and it felt good. That is not to say that I have been hiding because I haven’t been but there was a change a while back.
I Walked Through The Door
When I was a kid sometimes we’d watch Monty Hall on Let’s Make A Deal and yell at the contestants take whatever was behind door number one or inside the gift-wrapped box.
That show turned into sort of a long-running joke or commentary with the boys and I. Sometimes we’d sit around the table and talk about how what lay on the other side was better or worse than what we held in our hands.
Five years ago a group of us sat outside drinking coffee and talking about how different life was from what we had imagined it to be.
Don’t remember what day of the week it was but I remember it was a work day and that traditionally we all would/should have been in an office but life had surprised us all with being laid off at the same time.
We shared our stories and two of the guys talked about being laid off while going through divorce. I remember thinking if I wanted to make things happen I was going to have to open door number one and walk through it.
Maybe I’d cross over and find Monty Hall and the audience laughing at me because I would be the recipient of some gag prize, like 2000 rubber chickens or two tons of toilet paper.
But I knew there was an excellent chance I might also do it and get the keys to a new car, a great vacation and then some. I knew there was a magical moment waiting, but that there wasn’t any way to experience it without taking a chance.
No risk, no reward.
The Old Guy
I didn’t want to be the old guy in the picture staring at a past he can only wonder about because he feared what the future would hold.
That is not to say I haven’t had moments of fear and doubt because I have. Read the words contained in these posts and you’ll find lots of examples of those times and those moments.
Ask the Shmata Queen about whether I was willing to dance in the fire and she’ll smile and nod her head.
It was and is important to me to do what is required but I recognized a while back that Churchill’s quote could be interpreted in more than one way.
It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.
I am doing what is required to live the kind of life that fills my heart and feeds my soul. You may love the stories I write here or you may hate them but what I am most interested is making you feel something.
Ambivalence is the enemy of a writer, feeling the companion. I am a writer and I have many goals and more than a few mantras I repeat but as long as I am true to my inner self I am confident I will find what I am looking for.
Gentlemen, we will chase perfection, and we will chase it relentlessly, knowing all the while we can never attain it. But along the way, we shall catch excellence. Vince Lombardi
Do You Miss The Golden Age Of Blogging?
Sometimes I stroll through the blogosphere and wonder when I turned into the grumpy old man screaming at kids to get off of my lawn muttering about their awful music and funny sense of style.
It makes me wonder if I rode the train off the tracks and over the cliff because the time was I didn’t talk like this. Didn’t walk around grumbling about the damn rookies who clutter the blogosphere with crap they call content.
Didn’t walk around lecturing people about how they take too much time worrying about trying to produce videos that are more technically more sophisticated than the ones I grew up watching at movie theaters and/or fighting to produce content that goes viral.
“Viral, hell I remember when saying you had a virus was a bad thing but not anymore…”
It Shouldn’t Bother Me
It shouldn’t bother me. Why should I care why people are writing. What difference does it make, it is a big pie and there is enough for everyone to have a slice.
But sometimes it does. That is the truth.
Sometimes I get irked by the puppy dog excitement some people display writing about stuff that we wrote/covered ten times over years ago.
It is narishkeit on my part, just a waste of energy.
But sometimes I miss when it felt less commercial. Sometimes I miss writing and reading stories where we did it without ulterior motives.
It wasn’t because we hoped to get a book deal or be asked to write for Babble, iVillage or Huffington Post. We didn’t worry about how many dads or moms were brand ambassadors.
We just wrote.
We talked about what our kids were doing, shared our fears about life/parenting and did it all again the next day.
Love, Tesla and Magnetic Field Strength
That is the name of a post I wrote at Words Left Unwritten. You could say it is tied into She Says She’ll Never Get Married Again.
You can find quite a bit of my fiction over there.
Blogging is what made me decide to write stories. Blogging is what led to my figuring out what my life is supposed to be about and when I finish writing these stories and publish my book blogging will receive credit for sending me on this path.
I suppose The Shmata Queen deserves credit too for supporting and pushing me to write more. If she hadn’t I might have gone a different direction.
Does The Universe Speak To Us?
I am an agnostic on that. Can’t say that I completely believe or disbelieve. There is an interesting discussion to be had around it.
“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.†Ralph Waldo Emerson
That is one of my favorite quotes. I have had experiences that make me believe there are things we can’t see or touch going on around us.
I don’t think we have complete control of everything that happens in life but I don’t believe that every decision is predestined or all of our choices have been made for us.
I see it more like we are captains of a ship sailing on the sea. Sometimes we sail through storms and sometimes through calm and everything in between.
Much of what happens depends on how we plan, prepare, act and react to what comes across our path.
Do You Miss The Golden Age Of Blogging?
I don’t know if there really was a golden age of blogging. It was just different and while I definitely think some things were better then there are things that are better now too.
Mostly I like the tools because at heart I am a storyteller and my goal has always been to become a better one. So I appreciate having more tools and resources to use to do so.
And one of the things I have always liked best about blogging is how it provides me with a way to clear my head and sort my thoughts and that still works for me so I am happy about that.
Maybe every age is the Golden Age of Blogging and maybe not. The real question in my mind is whether it is fun or not. As long as it remains so and I feel like I get something out of it I suppose you will keep seeing me show up here.
What do you think?
