Some might accuse me of melodrama for suggesting that I can relate to this sceneÂ from the end of HancockÂ but I don’t know if they would understand the reasons why.
Can’t say that I am willing to explain the who, what, when and why of it or even the how. Suffice it to say that there have been multiple reasons and moments to make me feel like I climbed out of a coffin and jumped out of the window.
I didn’t fly out the damn thing either.
Gravity wouldn’t let me master it so I plummeted and hit the ground so damn hard all of my bones should have been shattered but then again I never did break very easily.
It is the blessing and the curse of a hard head and a determined mind.
Does It Matter Whether You Rely Upon Intuition Or Desire?
The long time readers might recall a similar conversation here.
I feel like I am revisiting moments from the past but not because I have the opportunity to relive or change them. What’s done is still done and the past is immutable but the future doesn’t have such limitations.
Those restrictions I felt before are fading and the chains that once bound me are being removed but the cost for doing so has not been inconsequential or insignificant.
These visitations with the moments I once had and the people I once knew are a chance to remember who I was and to try and orient myself on who I want to be. Don’t know if that means it is a course correction or if this is about meant to be and don’t entirely care.
Part of me wants to determine whether it is desire or intuition. Part of me wants to know so that I can look back at the children standing behind me and tell them I have discovered a secret they can use to make their lives easier.
Part of me wonders why I have placed myself in front of them because there are no bullets flying towards them and no bombs being dropped upon us.
But it is my nature to try to protect those I love and sometimes it is a struggle to remember to push them forward because they must learn some of these things on their own.
They must figure it out for themselves because the shelter of my arms will never extend as far as I might wish it would.
The Sublime & The Silly
Nature has begun to impose its will upon my teen in more visible ways than before. Some of them have been going on for Â a while but were not as obvious.
I haven’t decided yet if my ears deceive me but I think his voice has dropped a bit and though it is a long way off from mine it is clear that some change has taken place. If nothing else his vocabulary and language are far more sophisticated than they once were.
His shoulders are definitely broader and the muscle is starting to come. Now when we wrestle I feel the boy’s inexorable move towards manhood and know that though my own sun has not set it is clearly not the only star in the sky anymore.
Pride pushes me to work out harder so that for a while longer I can know his strength still cannot match my own but part of me can’t wait to see the day when I know I have to defer to him.
Don’t know if that is aÂ manÂ thing or not but I know when I think about it I can feel the presence of the men that came before me and i can almost see them smile.
Not long ago my son told me that the hair down below had really started to come in thick and I couldn’t help myself. I told him it was good and that one day he would really enjoy having his wife brush it.
His eyes bulged from his head and he told me if wives did that then he surely wasn’t getting married.
My expression must have given me away and had I not been laughing so hard there is no way he would have knocked me to the couch, but he did.
For a moment we wrestled and then he smiled at me and said, “guess I am becoming a man too.”
I smiled back at him and told him there was more to being a man than looking like a hairy ape and we both laughed again.
Things are happening now. Good things. Big things. Changes.
All I can do now is try to be in the proverbial moment and do my best to guide those changes in the direction that makes me happiest.
The universe may give a nudge or a push but I believe in free will and I believe I am doing the best I can. As I teach my children that may not always be enough to make a bad day disappear but it is enough to make it possible for me to sleep at night.
But I would be lying if I said that sometimes I wish I could see just a little bit more or that I knew for certain about some things because that would make life a little easier.
Intuition may or may not line up with desire but determination and the willingness to keep going make a difference and that is why you can jump out of the window, tumble to the ground and keep going.