The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for August 2014

500 Ways To Have Better Sex & Earn Money From Blogging

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'The Open Road' -- Near Great Sand Dunes National Park (CO) August 2013

Five Songs

  • Carefree Highway- Gordon Lightfoot
  • I’m Free- Soup Dragons
  • Guitar, Cadillacs- Dwight Yoakam
  • American Girl- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  • If- Bread
  • Stairway To Heaven- Heart Cover

The worst part about moving five times in three years is realizing how many things you can’t find because they have been packed, unpacked, packed, unpacked and potentially given away.

If my children told me they couldn’t find something I would ask them how many times I have told them to put it in the same place and then shake my head but I wouldn’t mention anything I shared in the lead.

Yeah, it is hypocritical but I call it making use of a teaching moment and frankly I do a better job of making myself feel stupid than anyone so there is no need to open that particular can of worms.

Part of me is ambivalent about these missing items because very few of them are of any significance because I tend to be very good at making sure I know where the important stuff is, except for two items.

Two things that I intentionally left in Los Angeles because I figured they would be safer there and that I would come back for them and now they are gone.

500 Ways To Have Better Sex & Earn Money From Blogging

That headline is classic linkbait and I don’t apologize for it mostly because it’s so ridiculous it is hard for me to believe anyone will take it seriously.

But if you are someone who took it seriously and want me to teach you how to have better sex and earn money from blogging I can do so.

I probably shouldn’t give this information away for free because I could turn it into an ebook or webinar and make a couple of bucks from it.

The problem with doing that is I might piss off some bloggers and since bloggers are a sensitive lot who believe that having a platform provides them with license to bitch about anything.

One can never be too careful with the hordes of the misinformed, misguided and self righteous who will pound you based upon their limited understanding of topics that are both simple and complex.

But since I promised the first tip I have to having better sex is to fall madly in love with the person you are sleeping with. If you follow my advice and fall head over heels for them and they for you those moments where you do the horizontal Mambo will be magical.

If you want to earn money from blogging figure out how to write a blog that is entertaining and educational and then charge people $25 for a year long membership.

Or alternatively you can try my favorite method and charge blog cancellation fees.

Just remember if  you don’t appreciate my methods and wish to file a complaint be cautious about your approach or you might find yourself in the same position as the Flying Clown.

Incidentally I did receive one comment for having the strangest audio log ever. I took that as a compliment but sadly was unable to monetize it.

Carefree Highways

I have been fortunate enough to drive cross country multiple times not to mention been on many other road trips around this grand old U.S. of A. and can tell you that some of those trips have been filled with more fun and interesting moments than you can shake a stick at.

Cross country trips by plane may be faster and have their set of moments but you don’t get to see and experience the tiny details of life that a car trip provides you with.

Car trips give you the opportunity to stop and explore local hot spots and museums that you will remember forever, sometimes because it was truly interesting and sometimes because you can’t figure out how many other idiots besides you got sucked into spending three hours perusing the Roly Poly Good Old Boys Sugar Shack.

By the way, if you haven’t figured it out yet sometimes I blog for the love of writing and not solely for the magic that comes with being Internet Famous.

Although let’s be honest there is something very cool in being able to say you are Internet Famous and 28 people of the 3000 who went to a blogging conference shook your hand and walked away feeling like their lives had been changed.

Or maybe they walked away wondering why their hands were sticky and trying to figure out if there is a polite way to rub those aforementioned sticky hands on their pants.

The End Of Summer

My kids finished their first full day of school today. Technically they went back yesterday but it was a partial day so today was the first full day.

I of course made sure to do the Dad’s So Happy They Are Back In School Dance for them. Turns out they love that dance so much my daughter doesn’t want to share it with anyone else. She swore she won’t bring any friends home to see it and I promised to do it again for her.

She made a face so I told her that if she is really lucky one day I’ll do that dance for her boyfriend…in my underwear.

I figure there are two ways to handle the boys that one day may come home with her.

1) Tough and intimidating dad.

2) Crazy and unhinged dad.

If she is really lucky I might even do both.

Here is a separate but related question for you.

Are you having fun blogging?

If you can’t say yes you better figure out a way to make it fun or you might not last as long as some of the crazy old men of the blogosphere.

Second question, are the crazy old men of the blogosphere crazy because of blogging or did they start out that way.

Let me know what you think in the comments.

Who Blogs For The Love Of Writing?

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Star Walkers

Who Blogs For The Love Of Writing?

Does anyone do this anymore because they are compelled to write for the love of writing and not because they hope to be discovered. Does anyone write because they have so many stories floating inside their head they feel like they might explode if they don’t put something down on paper.

Or have we all succumbed to the rat race that pushes us to get more readers, more followers, subscribers and likes than everyone else.

I can’t say that I never write with an idea that this is going to be the post that puts me on the map. Can’t say I never write and think “fuck, I have never written something more profound, more insightful and more deserving of recognition than this amazing thing I am looking at.”

Some people tell me that posts like this where I ask if anyone writes for the love of writing are hypocritical. Some tell me I can’t complain about popularity contests and cliques in blogging because I haven’t done enough to market my blog.

They say people want to work with their friends and that if I did a better job of playing the game I would have broken through. Or they tell me that nothing is in my way other than myself and that my perception is wrong.

Personally I prefer those who say the problem is that old Jack is a crusty asshole and that I have pissed too many people off. I don’t know if there is any truth to that but it just feels better to me, gives me something to rail against.

I Am In Love With A Photo

That wacky Shmata Queen is going to wonder who I am talking about. I am willing to bet she hopes I’ll say it is a picture of her and maybe that  picture exists but I am not referring to it here.

No, I am talking about the shot above because I can’t stop staring at it. That is a picture that I could use to tell a thousand stories. It is the kind of picture that makes me wish I was like Gumby and could just step into it. Oh the places I would go and the things I would do.

The kids went back to school today and came home with homework. My son told me I was right and that the teachers told them this year is going to be tougher because they are preparing for high school.

I laughed and then wondered how I have a kid in 8th grade. That is young to some of you and old to others. Those of you in the latter crowd might appreciate how surreal it is to see puberty start to turn our babies into big people.

His body is changing, he isn’t very tall yet but he is filling out and the muscle I remember gaining a thousand years ago is starting to appear.

Hair is showing up in unusual places and he is asking me questions about when certain things happened to me and simultaneously I am discovering some new aches, gray hairs and other heralds of older age.

Eight or nine hours ago I took a break to lift and felt something pulling in my left forearm. I looked at my arm and muttered “what the fuck” and tried to decide what sort of pain it was. Wasn’t enough to stop me from lifting so I did another set to see if I could work out the kinks and it never went away.

Marched downstairs and went outside and tried breaking into a sprint from a dead stop and cursed again. I just don’t move well until I have broken a real sweat.

It is beyond frustrating, I am not old enough for my body not to respond. It would be fair to say I have put it through its paces. We have lived and lived hard.

There have been more than a few moments of contact sports and lots of pounding but I always prided myself on being the guy who didn’t break because I don’t. It is those other guys, you know the two that broke their hands hitting in me in the head, what is this.

Change Isn’t Coming, It is Happening

I don’t have to look at my kids, myself or the calendar to know that change is coming. I can feel it in every part of my being.

This is a time of transition and part of the great adventure of life. It is the time when certain decisions will send us all in a new direction and there is no telling what will come with that.

There is nothing particularly new, insightful or profound by saying that but I do because it makes me feel better. Reminds me that we can’t control all that happens but we can try to smile while it does.

I kind of feel like I am in that kayak Marshall, Will and Holly were riding in just before they ended up in the Land of The Lost.

Did I mention that someone told me they were having trouble following some of my references. I had to thank them for making me feel older.

I suppose it is fair to say aging is on my mind and has been for a long while. I am not old, don’t really think of myself that way but I definitely don’t feel like a kid.

There was a time not long ago when I was the kid in the office. I was always among the youngest but it hasn’t been that way for a while.

Been working long enough to be a guy who has seen more than a few things. Been around long enough to see friends grow up, get married, divorced and die.

Seen the economy go through cycles, up and down. Heard lots of stories and told a few, some of which actually happened.

I like that. It adds some depth and substance that didn’t exist years ago because there is not substitute for life experience. But sometimes I think about the story I have been writing and wonder if this is the life I want to be living and think about how to make the adjustments that have to be made.

Think about the tinkering and tweaking that needs to happen to bring more happiness and joy and wonder what it will cost to make those things happen.

There is a price for everything and that is not a bad thing. It is part of life and sometimes you need to live a little bit before you really figure out what you need and what you want.

You Are Never Too Old To Change

My entire life people have said you are never too old to change. I have seen more than a few blow their lives up and make changes so I know those aren’t just words.

Seen enough to know that sometimes it worked out beautifully and sometimes not as well as they would have hoped but always respected those who were willing to take a chance, better to fail than not try.

I keep looking at that photo and imagining what it would look like to be inside it. I keep remembering moments where I have been out of the city and under a starry night sky that felt like I had been dropped into a magical painting.

Keep looking at it and thinking about how much more I appreciate these things because I am so much more conscious of time.

Keep thinking about Robin Williams and the other people I know who reached the end of their rope and couldn’t find a way to tie a knot in them.

Makes me angry to think about the people who make these proclamations about how weak those others were. Those judgmental souls who have answers for how to fix everyone else’s life.

Feel badly for those who have lost loved ones and the people whose lives became so dark they couldn’t find the light.

At the same time I am grateful for never losing sight of my north star. Even in my darkest moments I always feel like if I fight a little bit longer something good will come of it.

Does anyone blog for the love of writing anymore.

Words Can Scar, Maim & Murder

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Confession: I always tear up at that scene…always.

Maybe it is because I have had the privilege to have the kind of friendships that people write, want and dream about. Maybe it is because I also know the pain of losing one of those friends.

Friendship is a big deal to me, always has been. Flip through the pages here and you will find more than a few posts in which I talk about it. Some of those posts are my reflections on what it means to bury a friend and some are about conversations I have had with my children about friendship.

There posts are among the most well trafficked and most popular here. Maybe it is because they touch upon something that we can all relate to and or understand.

I suppose if someone were to ask for help in understanding who I am I might point them towards those because they have meaning that is useful personally and professionally.

What Kind Of Friends Did Robin Williams Have?

Robin Williams was one of my favorite actors and comedians. His death is tragic and the sun will shine a little less brightly with his loss.

Since the news broke the Internet has been filled with clips and quotes of, about and from him. One in particular has been getting a lot of play. It is a quote from a character he played in a movie  World’s Greatest Dad.  

Lance Clayton: I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.

People keep sharing it because it is heartbreaking and I suspect more than a few of us have been in positions in which we can relate to it, be they brief or long.

I have been thinking about it because it reminded me of something that happened to me several years ago. A dear friend of mine told me that someone else described me as “sucking the life out of the room.”

I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt me because here I am years later wondering who said it about me and why they didn’t talk to me because if I ever felt that way about a good friend I’d want to go talk to them. I’d want to find out what was bothering them.

I’d want to ask if they were hurting. I’d want to ask if they were angry, sad or upset and try to figure out if I could do something to help them.

There might not be anything that could be done. They might not be willing to change or to help themselves but maybe they would. Either way I would know I had been the kind of friend I want my children to be.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not indicting Robin Williams’ friends or saying they were bad because I don’t know. I am just relating a personal experience and wondering out loud about it. It is entirely possible he never shared anything that would have alerted those friends to what he intended to do.

Words Can Scar, Maim & Murder

A good friend called me from Israel. He checked in to let me know he and his family are ok. We shared some stories and laughed hard about all sorts of things.

He asked me how I got such a thick skin and said he wished he could say anything to anyone and not care what they think. I shared the story above and said my skin isn’t always as thick as some people might think. We promised to always be willing to check in and be honest with each other.

I appreciate that but I am not surprised after more than 30 years and more than a few adventures our friendship is deep.

Most of the time I don’t think about or wonder who said those other words but every now and then they creep up and I just shake my head.

I shake it because I want one thing for my children and for me. I want the sort of friendships I see in that video clip. Whenever the end of our days come I want to say we lived both the breadth and depth of life and I want our friends to hear/say something like below.

Spock: I have been and always shall be your friend.

If we can do that, well we will have done something with our lives.

What Boundaries Should Exist In Blogging?

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Fence
The teenager who lives with me tells me he thinks Instagram is stupid, doesn’t understand why anyone uses Facebook and finishes with a “dad, you aren’t going to blog about this are you” that is a statement and not a question.

I tell him not to worry because I’ll be sure to obscure his identity by describing him as the teenager that lives with me.

“I don’t like it. I am your son.”

“Sounds like you are proud of that.”

“I am.”

“Good, I’ll describe you as the teenager who lives with me and just happens to be my son.”

He rolls his eyes at me and says he doesn’t understand how I convinced anyone to marry me.

“The doctor said the men in are family are well endowed.”

He looks at me, jaw open, unsure of how to respond.

“Don’t get too excited. It was your great-grandfather’s urologist and he was talking about our prostates. Of course he told me that about 25 years or so ago. Since you don’t know why the time is relevant I’ll tell you that the good doctor hadn’t examined me. I’ll also tell you that your great grandfather told me to remember that any time you got your prostate checked you should make sure you know where both of the doctor’s hands are.”

What Boundaries Should Exist In Blogging?

It is a conversation I have had with my children and with clients. Part of what my son doesn’t like about social media is the idea that his private business is shared with people who shouldn’t be involved in it.

I understand that. It is why I described the boundaries as sometimes being similar to a brick wall and sometimes resembling a paddock.

The trick is trying to determine which sort of boundary you need in each post you write. Some of it is contingent upon the sort of blog you are running.

Corporate/business blogs almost always tend to focus upon a more conservative bent but there are moments when it is worth opening up. Do a proper job of it and you can be rewarded but screw it up and you might end up being lampooned for your blunder.

Personal blogs are different but that doesn’t mean there aren’t or shouldn’t be boundaries. Sometimes I write about business here. Sometimes I write about writing and or share stories about clients and things that have happened but when push comes to shove this is still a personal blog first.

That means that I have more flexibility to use than the corporate giants but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have any boundaries because the things I write about can impact my family.

So while I might share some funny stories that are a bit off color I tend to be more discriminating than you might realize in the things I share about my children.

For example I could tell you more about the conversation with my son about the urologist. I could tell you that he didn’t know what a urologist was and that when I told him he asked me to confirm that it was a urologist who said the men in the family are well endowed.

He started to smile and sort of muttered “that is cool.”

I think if he hadn’t been speaking with his father it might have been more enthusiastic because who wants to talk about size with their father, especially when you are a teen.

But I made sure to tell him we were referring to prostates and explained that being well endowed there wasn’t always something you wanted. I also told him that  when you are in your twenties and you are taking your grandfather to see his doctors you sometimes learn more than you want to know.

What Do You Need To Know?

I follow my math teacher’s instruction and reduce everything to its lowest common denominator. The question is what do my readers really need to know?

What is going to build a relationship between them and I and what is going to hamper building one?

The standard answers in life apply here. If you write about religion and politics you will bring some people in and push others away.

Some people try to build communities that are as big as possible and others focus on building smaller and tighter communities.

Both ways have their advantages but my preference is to build smaller and more passionate communities.  This blog isn’t going to be for everyone but the people who like it are dedicated and when I ask them to do something they respond.

Remember my comment that true power in social media is defined by what kind of response you receive when you ask people to do something.

Of course that doesn’t matter for everyone.. Not everyone has a need or concern about whether people will respond to what they post online.

But for those of who do, well it is worth thinking about how to make it happen.

What do you think?

The Magical Jedi Mind Trick For Bloggers

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The Magic Bridge / El Puente Mágico (Explored !)
The Magical Jedi Mind Trick For Bloggers

I like the sound of that but I really don’t have a magic or Jedi mind trick that you can use. All I can tell you is that good things happen if you work on building relationships with your readers and other bloggers, provide valuable content and sustain your effort.

Yeah, blogging takes work. It takes some effort and a willingness to test things out.

Today I decided to share excerpts from a bunch of posts I have written as well as a link to them.

Why?

Because I felt like doing something different and was curious to see if this generated a better response than your typical post about content curation.

If it works I might do it again and if it doesn’t, well I’ll file it as one more thing not to do. But if I have learned anything about blogging it beyond the advice I offered above it is that a willingness to test out new ideas is crucial.

It helps you identify your writing voice, what your readers want and sometimes it provides you with the sort of distinction from the crowd that brings in new readers.

Number One

“And that leads us back to the point of producing a post about New Year’s Resolutions. It is not to create a nice document that lists all the things that you hope to accomplish. It is to create a blueprint of accountability for yourself. It is to put yourself on notice that these are the things that you want to do and the things that you HAVE to do.”  The Most Important Things In Life

“Midway through my musings I have this bizarre thought that 25 miles north of me my grandfather lies in a box that is buried beneath a mound of dirt. He was claustrophobic and for a long time very unhappy about the idea of being placed inside the casket. Long ago I promised him that if he knocked on the casket I would stop everything and pull him out. I remember telling him that there were better ways to get attention than to be buried alive and he told me to stop being a smartass, but the smile on his face made it clear that he appreciated it.

The day of the funeral I made a point of bending over to whisper, “grandpa, this is it. Knock three times on the ceiling and I’ll get you out of there.”  The Most Valuable Possession

Number Two

“My friends, let me assure you that the last thing you ever want to emulate his technique. A bear hug is no match for an angry man with a salami. For I took said salami and proceeded to beat him silly with it. Fortunately I was smart enough not to hit the two cops who came ostensibly to break up the fight.”  It Wasn’t Worth Getting Arrested

Number Three

“Actually I didn’t go crazy- it just took a while to process it.

And now more than twenty years later I am lying in the dark holding the phone in my hand listening to your voice- wondering how you found my number and why you called.

My heart is pounding and my mouth is dry. I feel like my tongue is stuck to the top of my roof.

“I am in trouble and I need your help. They’re back.”

And then the other memories hit me like a torrent of water and I remember why I had to walk away from the woman I planned to marry. “ The Telephone Call

Number Four

“The strange thing was that the whole time I could hear her screaming at me and it just made me angrier.

We are wrestling this unknown assailant and I. It is not a holy experience like Jacob and the Angel. It is just Jack, the guy who had his heartbroken and some poor schmuck who is going to be savaged by me. He doesn’t know that the combination of fear, anger and adrenalin have made me numb. He doesn’t know that the shock of her leaving me has made me feel like I have nothing to lose.

But he is lucky because there were more than just two of them. The others pulled me off but I can’t tell you much” A Mugger

Number Five

“Sometimes being a parent feels a bit like you are a contestant on one of those crazy Japanese game shows. You know what I am talking about. You’re dressed up in white coveralls and a motorcycle helmet. In a moment you are going to be blindfolded, covered in jello and forced to run through fire while being chased by screaming leprechauns.”  A Father Describes Parenting

And now we click publish and wait to see if our blogging experiment is lauded, panned or ignored.  Course it being the last weekend of summer break for many of our children I imagine that traffic might end up being kind of slow which is partly why I chose to test this out now.

See you around folks, time for Jack to go enjoy the last remnants of summer break with the kids.

Unleash Your Rage And Write!

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Mending a Broken Heart

The one thing in blogging I have always been good at is pouring all I have inside into the posts I write. It is not something I do every time because it is not needed nor necessary but upon occasion…

I need to do it here. I need to just unload and unleash but I am almost beyond anger so putting words to the page feels…hollow. But I intend to try and then we shall see if I hit publish or if I delete it all.

Delete it all.

Sounds nice. Sounds like a modern way to bleach away bad memories but bad memories and I don’t just let go of each other. In part it is because scars are a writer’s best friend and because I can’t rid myself of the bad without destroying the good.

The good is far too important to lose and the bad, well it helps me understand just how lucky and fortunate I have been.

Unleash Your Rage And Write!

My cousin died. It happened a few days ago and I have been sitting on it, thinking about it and trying to process it all.

It wasn’t unexpected or surprising. She had been battling cancer for a long while. I never saw nor asked for medical reports but I know it was part of the same family as the one that took ‘D’.

Seven years ago when I heard the news about what she had I felt ill because I felt like I knew this disease. I knew that ‘D’ had the best medical care and that hadn’t been enough to prevent that bastard with the scythe from slipping past all of his defenses.

I felt guilty thinking that so I kept it to myself and never said a word. I figured that with some luck and advances in medicine my cousin my beat it.

She lived longer than ‘D’ which is to say that even though she had a good life it was still cut short far too soon.  I can’t say we were particularly close. She was 12 years younger than I am and lived in a different state. I remember her best as a little girl but I knew the woman she grew up to be too.

Death took her just a few days after ‘D’s birthday and several weeks before the anniversary of his death. It is sixteen years since we buried him but I can still feel the shovel in my hands and the sweat in my eyes.

Do not go gentle into that good night

I keep hearing excerpts of that Dylan Thomas poem in my head.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

When I close my eyes I hear the voice and I nod my head. I promised myself the day we buried ‘D’ that I would be the guy who raged against the light. I swore I wouldn’t go silently into the darkness.

Some people give in to things that feel hard or impossible but I have never been good at that. Life has been challenging again, transition time has reappeared and I feel like I am walking through lava while battling a 100 enemies who never rest.

The damn dogs of war have been unleashed and there is no one I can rely on to get me through this besides me. Frodo had Sam, a dwarf, elf and a freaking wizard but not me.

I just have rage and fury and a desire to kick some of the pretentious and self righteous fucks of the blogosphere in their hypocritical cabooses.

Remember that quote I shared in Star Trek & Parenting, the one about not knowing what to do, just knowing what I can do? Well that is how I am handling things.

I am looking for my Spock but doing my damnedest to keep moving forward because inertia kills people.

Don’t ask me to explain why things happen or if we should believe in miracles because right now I don’t have time for it.

Right now I am making my list of good things and trying to wrap myself in gratitude.  My children need to see that our attitudes have an impact upon how we go about things.

They need to see we spend more time being thankful about what we have and less being bitter about what we don’t have.

Live Another Day

I don’t know what happens when we die. I don’t fear death. That bag of bones knows if she shows up before I am ready I will put a boot in his bony ass.

My grandfathers used to laugh when I told them I would fool the Angel of Death by smearing lamb’s blood on the door or alternatively clip his wings,  ten year-old boys can say shit like that.

What I know for certain is I have something my cousin and ‘D’ don’t–one more day. Hopefully it is far more than just one more day.

I am the one who is writing about August memories. I am the one whose life took a detour so that I would be prepared to wait for the click and then act upon it.

This is who I am.

The hard part about all of this is trying to find an appropriate way to teach my children about it all. I want them to appreciate how very short life can be but I don’t want to scare them.

I want them to understand why I promised to rage against the dying of the light and what that means. They are far too young to understand the craziness that comes with being a parent. Too young to appreciate how parents subjugate dreams to make them come true for their kids.

One day we’ll talk about that but not until they are much older. I don’t think they’d get it now and it would turn into some massive guilt trip.

That is not what I want. I knew before I became a dad that this would be part of the package and I am good with it. Doesn’t mean I have forgotten about my dreams, just that I have adjusted how I chase some of them.

What I See

It is well past midnight so I can’t tell you much more. I can say that I have followed my heart and held true to my advice, writing should scare you.

I can tell you that even though I sit at a desk in Los  Angeles I see myself driving back into Texas and walking the streets of Jerusalem.

Somewhere out there my cousin lies in a box and I only wish that I would do more for the rest of the family to help heal broken hearts.

I can’t do much  more than offer a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug them with and a few words.

But what I can do in my life is to continue to rage against the dying of the light and appreciate that the sun still shines in the middle of my sky.

And that is how I will honor their memories, by taking advantage of opportunities and doing my best to suck the marrow out of life.