The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for January 2015

Of Fear & Failure

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Resistance
Bono and the boys are singing Walk On and I am sitting here at the computer staring at the screen thinking about whether I feel like writing or not.

I  never suffer from Writer’s Block or run out of ideas for things to write about.

It is easy to come up with content but the energy required to maintain multiple blogs, being a dad and life in general sometimes requires me to push away from my desk.

Age is assuredly a state of mind but Father Time won’t let me ignore that I am closer to fifty than 30 and this body won’t give me everything it once did.

It is a hard lesson to learn and one I fear to accept because I am scared of slowing down and not because whatever is chasing me might catch up.

Because I am not ready to accept that I can’t run with the boys on the court the way I once did or that my son can now out run me.

He can’t beat me in a sprint yet, but the day is coming. I celebrate and dread it.

Of Fear & Failure

I am back in the in-between space again but unlike past times I have a clear idea about how I want it all to work out. The question isn’t if but when and how.

That Beckett quote works so very well for me because it is so easy for me to identify with it.

I have failed and fallen down more than once but every time I have bounced back up, sometimes I got back up so quickly if you looked away you wouldn’t know I had fallen.

But it is harder to pick myself up from some of these more recent falls than it used to be. I blame that on age and a body that no longer appreciates being thrown over chairs, through people and into walls.

Diving for the ball is still appreciated by the team. It is still part of my game because all I know how to do is hustle but there comes a time when you leave where you were and what you did for new things and places.

That is what I am working on now, moving from where I was into the future that works best for me.

Still if I said there was no fear of failure I would be lying and the rules of the blog would be shattered.

But when I acknowledge my fear I usually find it makes it more manageable.

Teaching Moments

Sometimes I take these moments and try to turn them into a teaching moment.

It is funny because sometimes the kids tell me they think I am not afraid of anything and I smile, because I am human. I have things that frighten me but the trick is to manage your fear and not let it manage you.

So I’ll tell them about something that scares me a bit and explain how I plan on handling it.

You can’t be brave without fear and you can’t succeed unless you can fail.

I have very few regrets but those that I do have seem to be tied into moments where I let fear win.

That sucks.

Just thinking about it hurts my head, heart and soul because it is not who I want to be or who I am. But I refuse to let those things define me so I focus on failing better and or not failing at all.

I know where I am heading, just a question of how long it takes to get there.

The Lonely Blogger

About Writers & Managing Expectations

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Stories that are never written might as well be dead.
Stories that are never written might as well be dead.

Drunk Blogging for Amateurs showed up on my radar the other day and made me think about what I am doing as a writer today and what I hope accomplish…tomorrow.

It got me thinking about how I talk about being the author of 39 unpublished books and how even though it is tongue-in-cheek there is truth to it.

I have a ton of stories floating around my head and I need to do something about it. Those of you who are among the long time readers have heard me talk about this before but this time around I have been thinking about how how to organize the parts and pieces I have so that I can follow through.

Last night I came across You Can’t Break A Broken Heart and decided I would spend a few moments pulling some more excerpts from the Fragments of Fiction pieces that are floating around here and other blogs to see what I could come up with.

It is not a comprehensive list nor do I think these are necessarily the best of the best, but you have to start somewhere because a story that isn’t written down or shared in some way might as well be dead.

About Writers & Managing Expectations

I am not a writer because I get paid to write or because I am a dreamer who puts words down on paper or on screen.

I am a writer because it is who and what I am. I am a storyteller and I always have been, from the moment the preschool teachers told my parents about what I came up with to know and forever.

But it took a long while for me to accept all of the parts and pieces that come with it. Took a long while to accept that it comes with a few catches and that if I wanted to accept it I needed to take all of it.

Part of that is managing my expectations, not the readers but mine because I have been my biggest enemy and impediment to doing more than I have done.

So here is the first step for me in 2015, links, lyrics and words. Time to do more than just talk.

Silver Springs
“And then I understood what Rick meant when he talked about all of the gin joints in all of the towns in the world.It felt like dawn broke inside my head and the sunrise melted all of the doubt that had lay in the shadows.Wind and waves had forced us apart and now they had brought us back to the same place, but not quite together.”I Found You Again

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

If I had to answer the question I would tell you to shut up and kiss me. Stop thinking and do. And when you did you would remember and you would know.

You would know that love is wild and that love is real. You would know that sometimes it is like standing in the eye of the storm. Everywhere you look there is wind, rain and lightning, except for that one place that we are standing together holding hands.

And sometimes you find yourself standing inside the storm and find yourself searching for shelter but if you can hold on long enough you always find it in the same place it was before.

Red dress, blue dress- it doesn’t matter because I don’t just love you. I fucking love you.

So here we are in the places we stand today farther apart than ever before and still as close as we once were. For it wouldn’t take but a moment for us to remember who we are apart and who we are together. It wouldn’t take but one kiss for our souls to soar and our hearts to surrender. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

Sometimes there is joy in being non specific, especially when people know you are capable of communicating with precision and detail except sometimes you can’t.

Sometimes you can’t because you asking someone to explain why a sky painted in streaks of orange, blue and red is beautiful or why certain chords make your heart jump.

Sometimes you can’t because your fingers extend into the sky and touch the face of god, because sometimes when two people share a moment in time it changes them and lasts forever.She Saved My Heart

We were 15, we were twenty, we were 50 and then we were 80. I saw it all. I saw us alone.I saw us together.

An Uncertain Certainty

Had they lived during the age of magic they wouldn’t have questioned any of these things. They would have accepted the things their hearts knew as truth even when their heads questioned them.

But they didn’t grow up during the age of magic so they relied upon what they knew to be true…science.

Science provided logic, reason and rational explanations for why people were as they were and did as they did. But even though science ruled the day magic still owned the night and under the moonlit skies its influence was more profound.

One such night the boy kissed the girl or the girl kissed the boy and a fire was lit.

*****

For a long while time stood still and they held each other close and made the sort of secret promises you make to those whose hearts and souls you have seen.

They walked hand in hand under that moonlit sky and swore they would never let go of each other and they believed every word they said.

Yet when the day came and science regained control…” A Partial Tale of Two Liars

Fire and Rain

We were walking down Michigan Avenue. It was bright and sunny. She was holding my hand and she never let go. Even after that car jumped the curb and pinned her against the building she never stopped holding my hand.

I tried to pull it off of her. Tried to push it. Did everything that I could do but it didn’t matter, cuz she died anyway.

I couldn’t save her. Couldn’t hold her and make her feel better or stop the pain. Don’t know why it hit her and not me. I was so much bigger. Why didn’t it hit me. Why did they have to take her. Why not me. She was better than I was and so much better than I am now.
She Died In My Arms

Wichita Linemen– Glen Campbell

We liked each other. We made each other laugh. That is one of the things that I miss about her, that laugh. Or the sound she used to make when I would surprise her, the way she would suddenly inhale. I sometimes called her “airsucker.”

People used to remark upon it because they thought it referred to something else and I used to just laugh. I never said yes or no, never told them whether they were right because it didn’t matter.

What I miss is the way she and I were able to create our own world. We could be in the middle of a crowd and get lost in each other. It wasn’t something that disappeared either. There was never a honeymoon stage. The lust and physical need for each other never disappeared or dissipated. What I Miss

Hurt– Nine Inch Nails

Suicide is supposed to be painless and maybe if I believed it to be true I might consider it more seriously, but I don’t.

I don’t really want to die but I don’t have too many options. The man on the other end of that call isn’t going to let me stick around. I don’t care what promises he makes or whose life he swears upon.

He is lying and I know better.

I know it because I used to be him. The guys he works for are the same men I used to report to and they won’t ever forget what happened or let anyone else think I got over on them.

This can only go one of two ways and no matter how it goes death wins. That old bag of bones is going to get his quart of blood and then some.

It is just a matter of time before they force me out in the open or before I decide to take action.

All I can do is weigh the pros and cons and try to decide what gives me the best chance of making it out.

This isn’t like the movies. When Is Suicide The Better Option

Picture
I knew things then and I know things now.One kiss changed it all. One kiss turned the world upside down and inside out.A moment from the movies come to real life.I told you that I bring the heat and that not everyone can handle the pressure. Told you that and more and smiled when you said it wasn’t a big deal. Listened and heard you tell me that you knew me better than the others and that no one could take care of me like you could.Promises rained down from our lips and the heavens and the things I knew we knew together.

It is not arrogant if you can back it up.

There is more that could be said and more to say. Eye Contact

Two hours ago we stood on the balcony overlooking Kowloon Bay and I asked you to marry me. You laughed and said you would think about it, but then you noticed I wasn’t laughing.I was smiling, but not laughing because I am serious.You said we live in different worlds and asked me for a plan. I asked for six months to wrap up my affairs in Hong Kong and said I would move back to the states.

“Ten years ago you said you would move and you never did so we both moved on, what is the difference now. Back then we lived hours apart, now it is worlds.”

Your words are still ringing in my ears. I heard the anger and the pain but I saw hope in your eyes. It is why I told you that was then and this is now. We aren’t who we were but that doesn’t mean things can never be. Moments In Time

Time to Drink Up.
Bradburyonwriting

These Are Words To Live By

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time and love
Sometimes it is disconcerting to realize I am old enough to be the father of some of guys who play ball with me.

So very strange to hear their comments about how it is cool that an old guy plays so hard and to realize they are talking about me.

They ask why I play so hard and I tell them the twenty seven years between us will pass far too quickly and they’ll recognize they never fully appreciated just what a gift a younger body is.

And then I shake my head and hear the echoes of the men who once said that to me and I remember thinking how ridiculous it sounded.

I was young and stupid and too inexperienced to understand.

It was before I knew about real love and real heartbreak. Before I understood what was truly possible and before I understood that I hadn’t figured it all out the way I thought I had.

That boy/man never could have predicted how things would go and if he had, well I don’t think I would be who I am today.

These Are Words To Live By

I don’t know if I had a real motto that meant anything to me when I was younger. I had ideals, principles and values but I don’t know what my motto would be.

Not sure if any of that matters but sometimes I think about it because I think of it as being something a good father would do.

Why?

Because I am an active participant in the lives of my children and I look for things that will make their lives easier and better.

Sometimes I share with them some of the quotes I put in these blog posts because I think they’ll get something frmo them.

What is your story?
What is your story?

or
The Lonely Blogger
Or
walk

I don’t always expect them to understand or appreciate them the way I do. But it is good to hear their thoughts and to learn from them too.

Sometimes Writing Is Scary

“It felt like dawn broke inside my head and the sunrise melted all of the doubt that had lay in the shadows.”  I Found You Again

The kids tell me I am different from them, that I have no fear and that I don’t worry about things the way they do and I laugh.

When they look at me I explain I am not laughing at them, I am laughing because dear old dad worries about more than they know and fears a few things they don’t.

They ask me to give them an example so I tell them about a few and then my daughter asks if anyone makes fun of my writing.

I tell her it happens all the time and that I have heard a million different complaints and criticisms. Writing can be scary but sometimes it can be amazing.

I play with words and phrases and I stare at them, try to figure out if I sound like a buffoon or a genius. Sometimes writers fall in love with words they shouldn’t.

That sentence in the box is one I have been wrestling with.

When my daughter asks me to give her more details I talk in non specific terms about some of the fiction I have writen and how surprising it is to me to write some of these tales.

But I don’t tell her that I find writing some of these stories a bit embarrassing and that I am not entirely sure why.

Maybe it is because I have some sort of preconceived notion about who should be writing them or maybe it is because I think people will laugh.

Doesn’t really matter because as I tell my kids my nature is to confront the things that scare or upset me. I don’t always do it immediately because sometimes I like to chew on the idea a while.

“Home, that is what we were for each other. A refuge and a sanctuary that provided incredible amounts of strength. An indefatigable team who was naturally able to heal each other and who could do it still…Love Burns

But one thing I have learned about life that comes being a father is that when you discover you have some unexpected skill or talent you ought to spend a little time checking it out.

It might not be something you have interest in pursuing and then again it might. Can’t hurt to check it out.

So that is part of what I am doing, revisiting some old stories and thinking about whether I ought to bring them back to life or try to weave them into a longer tapestry that just might become something more than it was as a simple blog post.

What Kind Of Father Are You?

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The children are going back to school after a three week break and they are both nervous about it.
Nervous for different reasons, but nervous nonetheless.

I spent time with them separately listening to them tell me about their concerns and wondering what I could do to ease their concerns.

Did my best to make them feel calmer and more comfortable and then wandered into the other room where I wondered what the source of all this anxiety is.

It is hard not to ask myself if I am to blame in any way, hard not to wonder if what sort of responsibility I  have here for this.

Some of what they said sounded familiar to me and I understood where it comes from because it is not very different from what I might say.

But some of it falls under the purview of middle school magic and girl drama. Some of it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the kids going through the same sort of stuff we all do growing up.

Everyone says to kick fear's ass but few do it.
Everyone says to kick fear’s ass but few do it.

What Kind Of Father Are You?

It is a question I ask myself from time to time.

What kind of father are you?

Are you the kind you want to be?

Are you the guy who has the answers and makes thing happen for his family or are you some kind of fool who does a bull in the china shop act with parenting.

Or are you a combination of all of the above?

The truth is my answer varies from time to time. There are days when I know I am the father I have always wanted to be and I feel like I am not just on my game, I own it.

Those days are joined by the exact opposite where I wonder how I could be such an idiot. The moments where I look at the things I have done and feel guilty because I feel like I just haven’t been the guy I should be for the kids.

Moments where I look in the mirror and wonder when I turned into this guy who I hardly recognize. The guy I expect to see didn’t have these moments of doubt or worry.

He always knew that he’d figure it all out. Dude had some pithy statement to share, some insightful quote and the resume to prove he was all he thought he was.

Except the current incarnation is a bit less certain because life hit him a few times. Because even though I picked myself up and dusted myself off I wondered about how some things would impact the children.

It Is Normal

Took a while before I realized all of this is normal and that my own parents had similar concerns. Took a while before I stopped thinking about my childhood as being so very different because it was me it happened to and not to my kids.

Granted some things are different for my kids than they were for me. Some things are better and some things are worse but life isn’t built in a way that allows us to compare in the sort of manner many of us would like.

It would be great to have this check off list and to see how 2015 compares to 1985 in a meaningful way but it is not really something I can do.

Sometimes my daughter tries to tease me about life in the ’70s and ’80s because it was so long ago but it doesn’t bother me.

One day her kids will tease her about how old she is. One day she’ll be like me and have her own stories.

I was in kindergarten when Vietnam ended. I was in sixth grade when President Reagan was shot and in eleventh when the Challenger exploded.

My son built block towers and knocked them down while I watched the videos of the Twin Towers coming down.

We all end up with stories about major events that affect millions and stories about small moments that only affect a few.

Fear and Uncertainty

That quote about fear resonates with me. It is something I appreciate because the way I like to handle fear is to try and punch it in the mouth.

What bothers me most is uncertainty. It is that feeling that something is out there in the dark, waiting for me. That feeling that I can’t see it but it is close enough to get me.

That drives me crazy.

I want to see it and take it on. I might win, I might lose but at least I am doing something.

But the thing is I am a grown up and my kids aren’t.

Life experience has taught me that I have a perfect record for surviving bad days and that if I fail a test it is not the end of the world. It has taught me that I can be fired from a job or jobs and that I will find a new job.

What I know from life experience is that I will handle whatever comes and what hurts is knowing I can’t just give my children that confidence.

They have to live through the good and the bad and figure it out for themselves.

What kind of father am I?

Well tonight I am the kind who feels badly that he can’t do more to help his kids through some of these moments but feels pretty good about his handle on this parenting thing.

Tomorrow it might be different, but for today it is pretty good.

I Found You Again

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The Magic Bridge / El Puente Mágico (Explored !)

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
And So It Goes- Billy Joel

My seventies girl once told me that she thought that most of my music sucked. I laughed and said seventies girl sucks too. She tossed her hair back, smiled and turned towards the sea.

We sat in silence and watched the waves roll in and out. As we sat there, our fingers intertwined I felt our souls smile and let my mind wander where it would.

Water gives life. It also takes it away. Wind and waves. I told her once that I could see how the ocean could become my mistress. The sounds of the sea called out to me and touched the wanderlust within. She took her hand and turned my face towards her and stared into my eyes.

I knew her thoughts before she spoke them and promised to take her wherever it was I went. You are the song of my heart and what happens to you happens to me. A soft kiss graced my lips and we sat again in silence.

We who had never known such happiness never knew that one day we would know such sorrow. It had seemed impossible that two people could meet under such circumstances as we did and not end up together. Signs and symbols serenaded our souls healing the scars of the past and opening up opportunities of the future.

Her presence made me stand a little bit taller and made my muscles a little bit stronger. In turn I taught her to relax and let another carry the load. Her burden didn’t have to be borne alone and when she finally let go I carried her effortlessly.

We were partners. We were friends. We were lovers. It is hard to write these words, we were when my heart says that they should read we are.

Sometimes I head to the beach again and think of the days when we sailed together. The sounds of the sea call out to me and I think of that day when I spoke of my mistress the sea and wonder if perhaps the time has come to set sail again.

I stand alone on the beach and watch the waves roll towards the shore. I wonder about what lies beneath the surface and absentmindedly turn towards you but you are not there. A wistful smile works its way across my face.

Had you been there I would have mentioned the tsunami and how incredible the power of the ocean is. I would have talked about the secrets that it keeps and how amazing it is that one moment the sea can be calm and the next it is raging.

Water gives life. It also takes it away. Wind and waves.

The contradiction of the water as deliverer of life and death would have made for a great conversation. It fit us, this contradiction. We who were or perhaps one day will be.

So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

I Found You Again

Somehow when I thought you had left my life forever I found you again.

Even now I am not sure how it happened. I remember being swept overboard and being tossed around by the waves, saltwater blinding my vision and choking the life out of me.

I remember sinking beneath the waves exhausted and spent but not quite dead.

The sweet siren song of the ocean depths called out to me and I almost answered but that fire in my belly wasn’t extinguished and the fight hadn’t been beaten out of me so I kicked my way back to the surface and fought the waves until I could fight no longer.

Found a piece of driftwood and held onto it and let the current take us where it would. Looked up at the sky and found our stars and our moon staring back at me and thought I heard your voice.

Thought I heard you calling my name and promised I would find you again.

Felt like a fool but figured if I had nothing but time to float I might as well find ways to occupy my mind so I closed my eyes and looked for my center.

Found you waiting there for me, took your hand and heard you promise to take it again if I could find you.

Opened my eyes, shook my head and swore I wouldn’t let the sun beat the sense out of me and floated some more.

Days turned into months and the current moved our life together further away until it felt so distant I wondered if it had been a dream.

It felt impossible to believe that what I remembered was anything more than a figment of my imagination. As the months stretched into years I convinced myself that it wouldn’t matter if I found you again because it had never been as good or as pure as I remembered it to be.

That made sense to me and I figured it would to you as well. Practical and mature people would recognize how absence makes the heart grow fonder and figure it to gloss over any challenges we had once faced.

Reality was what I should be looking at and it was clear I wasn’t because I knew that two people couldn’t be as my memory showed we were.

And then lightning struck and that puckish rogue life sent me out to sea again.

It Wasn’t Supposed To Be Like That…Or Was It?

The same water that had sent me overboard and tried to drown me so many years earlier did it again.  Somehow I was swept overboard again and forced to fight the waves but this time there was no siren song trying to lull me to sleep.

This time surprise was replaced by anger and I was too fired up to anything but find another way to swim to shore.

And that is when I found the biggest surprise of all…

You.

You were there. I saw you but you didn’t see me.

Watched you walk across the room and was amazed by how hard it made my heart pound. After all this time and all these years nothing had changed.

And then I understood what Rick meant when he talked about all of the gin joints in all of the towns in the world.

It felt like dawn broke inside my head and the sunrise melted all of the doubt that had lay in the shadows.

Wind and waves had forced us apart and now they had brought us back to the same place, but not quite together.

Not together because you didn’t know I was there. Didn’t feel me staring at you or see me try to melt back into the shadows because I felt like I was back in high school.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We weren’t ever supposed to have found each other the first time, yet we did and we felt the chemistry between us almost immediately.

We weren’t supposed to lose each other yet we did. In some ways it felt like it happened as fast as we had found each other.

And yet just when I thought it was nothing more than a memory the wind and waves swept us back together in the same place and I began to believe that maybe there was more magic in the world than I had once believed.

Spirits Of The Future Or Shades Of The Past

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Who you spend time with matters.
Who you spend time with matters.

Somewhere in between the joys of blog maintenance and mission for 2015 I stumbled onto a post called This Was Our Song.

It wasn’t on my list of posts to review for technical issues or one that I intended to read because I wanted to use it for another post but when it showed up on screen I decided to read it again and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

If you ask me to list my favorite posts I’ll tell you I am not sure and explain that it is a bit like asking me to name my favorite child, but this one has to rank up there.

This one captured so very much and is timeless for me in so many ways.

It fits in with the hard decisions post and so much of what I have been working towards and building for.

What does that Mean?

When my world was turned upside down and inside out I fought with all I had to keep everything from collapsing.

My entire life people had described me as being tenacious, stubborn and at times a force of nature. So I figured that a guy like that could stop the world by force of will and somehow change things.

It didn’t happen.

Instead I managed to stave off some changes that should have taken place sooner than they did.

But the thing about stalling is that it doesn’t prevent you from having to deal with whatever it is you have been pushing off, it just means you are going to spend more time dealing with crap that prevents you from moving into your future.

So here I am at the keyboard listening to Dylan sing Tangled Up In Blue and thinking about the quote I used in the top picture.

Thinking about how important it is to share experiences with people you care about and want to spend time with. That is a big part of our happiness, those moments big and small and who shares them with us.

They don’t necessarily require huge amounts of money either because sometimes the best thing you ever get to do with someone is sit and talk

Sunset
Somewhere during the crazy moments when I felt like I was at war with the world I started to think about what it was I wanted for my future and what I was willing to do to make it happen.

And I will do what is required so that I can determine whether the ghosts I see are the spirits of the future or the shades of the past.

Those words above jump out at me because I realize I know many of the answers to the questions that were once associated with them and more importantly because I can see the changes from the moments where I stopped fighting to stay where I was and started moving into the future.

This post might not make sense to anyone besides me. It might not follow rules of blogging or do things that are likely to attract readers.

There is a lot of ‘I’ and not much ‘you’ and a ton of ambiguity in it but one of the best parts of blogging is that it provides us with a way to learn more about ourselves.

Writing is a great tool to use to figure out what we think, what we feel and what we want.

That might sound silly to you but if you have ever been asked to write down why you believe as you do or to share your dreams you might appreciate how putting words to paper provides a certain clarity you might not otherwise have.

What I am saying is I wrote this post first for me and then for you. I am saying I read words that reminded me about how far I have come and lent optimism to how far I have to go.

I see more big changes on the horizon.

I see myself having put myself in a position to live a richer and fuller life and that makes me smile, how can it not.

And for those of you who are asking for funny stories and screwball adventures, stay tuned for there will be lots to share soon.