Some people say what is meant for you won’t go past you and others say that you cannot rely upon anyone or anything you cannot call on the telephone or get a cup of coffee with in person.
My own faith lies somewhere between the two because experience has taught me to do my best to act as the conductor of my life while life has proven that sometimesÂ shit happens.
Even if I didn’t have my personal list of odd and unusual things that have happened to me or people I know I would still be cautious because the Internet has made it simple to watch and witness the bizarre, impossible, improbable and unusual.
Don’t believe me?
Ever watch any of the Failblog videos?
Fathers & Sons
I am a sentimental guy which is part of why I enjoy thinking about the past but I am also pragmatic and recognize that you can’t look backwards if it prevents you from moving forwards.
That doesn’t mean I have never spent a moment shaking my head about decisions I have made because it has happened more than once.
And though I want to say it won’t ever happen again I can guarantee there will be more moments where I wonder what the hell I was thinking.
Let’s all hope there are fewer of those and more moments where I smile because I look at what I have done and know I nailed it.
A couple of days before our seder I sat down with my dad and had a short conversation about the present and told him about my plans for the future and had to laugh because there was this Cat Steven’s Father and Son moment.
Or at least I thought it was going to be, you know one of those times where your parent looks at you and says ‘I told you so’ but I was wrong because it didn’t happen.
He smiled at me and said he was confident I’d figure it out.
I thanked him for the support and explained in detail about I feel like I blew some big opportunities several years back and why I don’t want to make the same mistake again.
‘Dad, you want to know how I know this bothers me. I am not sleeping and I never have trouble sleeping.”
How Do You Recognize Windows Of Opportunity?
Later that week I got to enjoy moving over from the son’s chair and into the dad’s seat because my son had questions for me.
My answers to him mirrored much of what my own father had said to me. I told him I was confident he would figure it out and that sometimes it is impossible to know what will happen in advance.
He asked me if that meant I would make us move and I said it might but I didn’t tell him how strong my desire to do so is.
I didn’t see any upside in doing so. He is a teenager and he doesn’t need to hear all of the stuff that bothers me about staying and why I would prefer not to.
One day we might discuss it, but not know.
So what we focused upon was trying to figure out how to recognize windows of opportunity, those moments where we have a chance to do something that might change our lives.
The funny thing is when I was younger I worried far more about taking one of those leaps because I liked being in my comfort zone and didn’t see much need to shake things up.
Might not have ever changed if life hadn’t happened and things hadn’t forced me to look for a new approach, but they did and I did.
Now I hate looking back at the moments where I didn’t take the chances I should have and do my best to ensure I don’t miss out on future events because of that fear.
Sometimes Change Is Good
I feel unsettled now.
Some of it is because the situation feels an awful lot like a poorly packed suitcase.
It is hard to carry because if you jostle the bag the contents inside slip and slop around making it unbalanced and awkward to move.
Some of it is because I have an idea about what I want to have happen. I see glimpses of a future that looks like it could be very promising.
What I can’t quite make out is if it resembles the echoes of the future I have thought of or if it is something entirely different.
Can’t say if one is better than another, I just know they are possible as are multiple other options.
I try not to get aggravated at the idea of staying but it is hard because doing so feels like a lie and a sham. Life here hasn’t been easy or rewarding for so long now I just don’t want to stick around to make it happen.
Doesn’t mean I can’t or that there haven’t been happy moments because both are true but I do believe that it doesn’t have to be as hard to make the changes and improvements I want.
Scratch that, the improvements I need.
Want Versus Need
Maybe what scares me is I think I see the opportunity to secure much of what I need and a handful of what I want.
The fear isn’t getting those things but missing out on them because of missing another one of those windows of opportunity.
Makes me wonder if maybe I should have had my blogging privileges revoked so I could pay more attention.
Maybe the thing to do is stop wondering and just accept the words of smarter men than I.