Ask me How To Write A Blog Post Only Smart and Sexy People Will Read and I’ll tell you to click on the link.
Tell me you don’t understand where I am coming from and I’ll refer you to A Song For Friday.
Ask me for a less convoluted explanation and I’ll say that some people coasted through the end of 2015 into 2016 and I didn’t.
I’ll tell you that the powers that be tried to burn the bridges between 2015 and 2016 while I was still crossing them and that I still made it across.
Ask me to show you the film and you won’t see some graceful walk or cool Indiana Jones run from the giant boulder type action.
No, you’ll see 240 or maybe 250 pounds of man bull his way through, over and around anything and everything in his path.
And then you’ll see him collapse on his back, smiling because he made it but exhausted.
One Man Runs Away
The 15-year-old boy/teen that calls me dad and I had it out yesterday.
He didn’t listen to the warnings or take my advice to let some things lie and he saw me explode in a way I haven’t done in a long time.
You could call it a volcanic eruption.
I raised my voice, I pounded my fists against the wall and told him I wanted to rip the doors off of the hinges and burn down everything in my path.
I told I didn’t want to be living where we’re living, working where I was working or doing many of things I am doing.
I said I was furious and that I was done holding back.
“Because I am your fucking father and I am not a fucking idiot who lets his temper control him. I want to unleash hell and do what I want to do. but I don’t want to deal with the consequences of stupidity, so I won’t do anything stupid.
It doesn’t mean I won’t find a way to make changes or that I haven’t been working on them but sometimes we have to do what is required to put ourselves in a position to make the changes we want to make.”
I don’t think I had realized just how frustrated I am with certain things or how much I have stuffed it down because it is the right thing to do.
Nor did I realize how much the end of the year took out of me, it wasn’t easy producing the situation that led to The Mostly True Confessions Of A Festivus Miracle Man but I did it because I worked my ass off and because I am one determined motherfucker.
But it was…hard.
And I am about to go travel and my head isn’t right for it yet, haven’t slept enough or gotten enough down time.
Haven’t cleared the cobwebs or gotten a real vacation in so long the reserves are drained and the bone is grinding against the bone.
That is why I exploded and part of me is embarrassed because when I realized how angry I had become I felt responsible for creating a bad situation for myself and my kids.
Old Enough To Understand
The next day Steiner the minor and I talked about things.
“Dad, you shouldn’t be embarrassed, you didn’t break anything or do more than scream and cuss.”
I nodded my head.
He was right, I didn’t.
I didn’t put my fist through the wall, tear doors off of hinges or tear off the arms of the guy who cut me off and flipped the old bird at me when I honked at him.
“We are all old enough to know and act better. But I am not old enough to have forgotten about my dreams and fantasies.
But I am old enough to sometimes hear the tick-tock of the clock and to worry about what happens if I don’t work hard to live my dreams and not dream my life away.”
Blame It On the Funeral
There was a time not so long ago when it was unusual to for me to have peers who had lost a parent.
Sure, I knew a few people who had lost a mother or father but they were clearly the exception and because we were all very young I didn’t worry about my own parents.
They were young too.
Except they aren’t quite as young anymore and now I know a bunch of people who have lost one or both of their parents.
Last week I went to another funeral to pay my last respects to another friend’s father, a man just a couple of years older than my dad.
Maybe that played a role in all this.
I didn’t tell my son how I often worry about my dad because his health isn’t great and there are little things that take place that make me wonder how much longer we have.
Some of it is because there is no defined timeline and I see no reason to get him upset about something that might not happen for years.
There is no benefit or upside to it.
Ten years ago My Parents Purchased Cemetery Plots and I blogged about how strange it seemed to me.
Death truly isn’t unfamiliar to me, people die and we move on or at least we do our best to.
What Are You Running Towards?
Midway during my conversation with Steiner the minor I told him I wanted to revisit our conversations about running away and running towards…things.
I told him again we aren’t people who lie down when things get tough or the kind that hide.
“We tighten our belts, grit our teeth and find a way to get it done and if we can’t, well we fall knowing we tried.”
He nodded his head and I told him that we can look at life in a number of ways.
“Some people run from life and some run towards it. I hope that you always find a way and a reason to run towards it, but don’t forget to ask what you are running towards so that you can make sure you are running in the right direction.”