Archives for January 2016

Very few of you have seen me in person so you’ll have to take my word that those are my eyes below.

I am told they change slightly when I am angry, tired or very happy but I don’t know how to describe those changes in a way that you would understand.

Not like my father’s eyes which are always blue, but can get icy when he is angry. That particular glare is one you don’t forget, regardless of whether you are related to him or not.

Though I don’t have an ounce of regret for not being among the blue-eyed people in my family (there are many) I would like to have the same glare as he does, it can be quite useful.

 

What Do Children See In Your Eyes?

When my children were quite little and had chocolate covered fingers that they claimed could not have been from the bowl of pudding besides them they would hear me say, “I can see the truth in your eyes.”

It was always followed by a pause for effect and an opportunity to reconsider their story.

“Are you sure you didn’t put your fingers in the pudding that is right next to you.”

It didn’t take them long to figure out it was almost never  a question. Nor did it take them long to understand what we meant when we said it is easier to tell the truth.

As they got older and life got more complicated I saw them begin to understand that sometimes the truth wasn’t black and white and they figured out that parts and pieces of it might be withheld, bent, molded and adjusted so the circle fit inside the square.

I didn’t particularly enjoy seeing them figure that out because it always meant another piece of their innocence was stripped away.

For example, when they were told we had to move and asked if there was anything that could be done the truth was there were things that could be done to stop us from having to move.

There were more steps that could be taken and more opportunities that might lead to a more preferable outcome.

But my truth was different.

I was done with the banks not giving me a definitive answer. I was done fighting to hold onto something that felt like an albatross around my neck and would probably not provide the sort of return on investment that would make it worth winning that particular battle.

The only way to stop dancing in the fire was to stop allowing people to pour gasoline across my head and to take a different path.

There will come a time where I will tell them there might have been a way to make it work and offer an explanation about what that was and how it might have happened.

But I will also speak with them about the importance of knowing when to go a different way. I like to think of it as that Kenny Rogers moment.

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done

The Gambler- Kenny Rogers

If you are of a certain age your first exposure to The Gambler might have been on The Muppet Show in the 70s.

And it might have taken you a few years and some life experience to understand the wisdom and truth in the song.

I have come to realize that I have lived much of my life as a gambler and that a good deal of how I lived it is similar to what I learned in that song.

And much of it has also come from understanding who I am, what I am about, what drives me and what makes me want to jump out of bed or run and hide.

Somewhere in the midst of these posts is my recollection about what happened when people stole my wife’s purse at Target.

I’ll put money down that it is pretty damn accurate.

What I Saw & What I Heard

The children were quite little, my 15-year-old son was still in preschool and it was because I heard him say “they took mommy’s purse” that I spotted the thieves get into the elevator.

It was why I flew down the escalator and made it to the doors before they opened.

I want to believe the man who stood in front of me saw something in my eyes that made him very nervous and that is part of why he exited the store as quickly as he did.

What I didn’t see was how he and the woman he was with stuffed the purse into the infant car seat that was in the cart they were pushing.

If it hadn’t been for the security cameras in the elevator I wouldn’t even know that was what happened.

It is why I couldn’t do more than glare at the guy and follow him part way through the store to see if I might catch a glimpse of the purse.

If I had, well I would have tried to find a way to get it back.

I saw the woman walk out the back of the elevator too and since I didn’t have access to security footage I didn’t know who had it.

All I had was a gut feeling.

But a gut feeling wasn’t enough for me to do more than follow him because I figured what people would see was a man stalking a woman.

And I figured if I went after him people wouldn’t know I was a father trying to protect my family.

They would see a man fighting another man who had a cart with a baby in it and that would be when my father’s steely-eyed glare would manifest itself in my eyes.

What Do People See In Your Eyes?

I couldn’t rely upon them seeing kindness or compassion.

Under those circumstances I wouldn’t expect them to see anything but anger. The light that some say dances in my eyes would be dark.

Sometimes I talk to my children about what people see in our eyes.

Sometimes I tell them how some people say it is a window to our souls and that we can learn from and about people from what we see there.

Sometimes I tell them to use their eyes to let people know they aren’t suckers or victims but to never forget to show their humanity too.

What do people see in your eyes?

Traveling dad hits the friendly skies again is the sort of plain wrap headline that probably won’t generate as much interest as the world’s strongest penis or safer sex through riskier blogging and that is ok.

I already wrote about the world’s strongest penis and I am too tired to come up with the sort of clever material that should be part of a post about safer sex through riskier blogging.

Sadly neither of those will enable me to skip my meeting with destiny and my plane ride tomorrow morning.

It is too bad because right I would prefer not to go. I would prefer to sit at home reading my book, writing my stories and wondering why toddler Jack didn’t understand how much pleasure is derived from a good nap.

Teaching Moments

I make a point to look for teaching moments, to find some part of the fabric of life I can grab ahold of and share with my children, something that will help them more easily navigate the paths they tread.

The plane ride and the business that come with it are a good way to do that, a chance to show them dad talks the talk and walks the walk.

We do what is required, even when we really don’t want to because sometimes the only way to get to where we really want to be is go…through.

It doesn’t have to refer to Churchill’s comment about how if you are going through hell you should keep going, although I would give the same advice.

Someone stumbled upon a post I wrote some years ago called These Pictures of You, it is one I am proud to say is mine because it works for me on many levels.

I don’t know how they stumbled upon it but they came across the version that lives here and not the original from the Blogger site.

The only real significance is that the Blogger site contains the few comments that people shared the first time around, comments that for some reason didn’t transfer when I moved to a self-hosted blog.

Ask me why I like that post and I’ll tell you the compliments were nice but the writing is what caught me, it is a giant fragment of a much larger story.

When I look at it I see potential and I think about what is possible, what can happen when you jump off of a cliff and figure out how to fly on the way down.

The night sky was filled with stars and the forest floor was lit by a huge smiling moon.

I love that line and though Stephen King says we have to kill our darlings I also believe sometimes we have to protect them.

We must be their knight protector and grim reaper and we must do what is required.

Sometimes I struggle with trying to teach my children about how to figure out how to do what is required because it doesn’t always have to follow a linear path.

It doesn’t always have to be something that follows traditional math where two plus two equals four.

Sometimes you can take a different route, sometimes doing what is required means taking the the long way home, blazing a trail where none exists.

It’s About Fear

Not long ago Steiner the minor and I had one of those father/son conversations where we shared thoughts and ideas about life.

I told him that sometimes it feels to me like life is about fear.

You let it drive you or you drive it and sometimes you do a little of both.

When he asked me to share what scares me I shared a couple of things but I didn’t open up the way I could have.

Some of it is because it is not my nature to share some pieces of me with people, even those I love very much.

And some of it is because I hadn’t decided where I wanted that line drawn between us. I don’t want him thinking I fear nothing because it is not true, not healthy and ridiculous.

But I don’t want him thinking I fear everything either.

What I want is for him to see me find what I fear and take a swing at it, not in the physical sense as much as I want him to see that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone, to take a chance because it means growth and opportunity.

I want him to see I chase experience and work hard to quench my thirst for tasting life in both the mundane and the extraordinary.

Maybe it is because I have few regrets but those I carry are monsters and they exist because fear prevented me from taking my shot.

Sometimes I confront those regrets and remind myself that fear can be a good thing, it can be the thing that keeps you out of trouble and prevents you from getting seriously hurt.

But it can also be the thing that keeps you from getting seriously happy.

I want my kids to be seriously happy.

I want us all to be seriously happy.

Be Like Teddy

Tomorrow I’ll get on board and play the game because I am taking the same advice I gave the kids tonight, Be Like Teddy.

I’ll do my best to create my own opportunities as often and as frequently as I can and when I can’t I’ll do what is required and keep my eyes and ears open so that if opportunity knocks I’ll be there to respond.

Ask me How To Write A Blog Post Only Smart and Sexy People Will Read and I’ll tell you to click on the link.

Tell me you don’t understand where I am coming from and I’ll refer you to A Song For Friday.

Ask me for a less convoluted explanation and I’ll say that some people coasted through the end of 2015 into 2016 and I didn’t.

I’ll tell you that the powers that be tried to burn the bridges between 2015 and 2016 while I was still crossing them and that I still made it across.

Ask me to show you the film and you won’t see some graceful walk or cool Indiana Jones run from the giant boulder type action.

No, you’ll see 240 or maybe 250 pounds of man bull his way through, over and around anything and everything in his path.

And then you’ll see him collapse on his back, smiling because he made it but exhausted.

One Man Runs Away

The 15-year-old boy/teen that calls me dad and I had it out yesterday.

He didn’t listen to the warnings or take my advice to let some things lie and he saw me explode in a way I haven’t done in a long time.

You could call it a volcanic eruption.

I raised my voice, I pounded my fists against the wall and told him I wanted to rip the doors off of the hinges and burn down everything in my path.

I told I didn’t want to be living where we’re living, working where I was working or doing many of things I am doing.

I said I was furious and that I was done holding back.

“Why dad?”

“Because I am your fucking father and I am not a fucking idiot who lets his temper control him. I want to unleash hell and do what I want to do. but I don’t want to deal with the consequences of stupidity, so I won’t do anything stupid.

It doesn’t mean I won’t find a way to make changes or that I haven’t been working on them but sometimes we have to do what is required to put ourselves in a position to make the changes we want to make.”

I don’t think I had realized just how frustrated I am with certain things or how much I have stuffed it down because it is the right thing to do.

Nor did I realize how much the end of the year took out of me, it wasn’t easy producing the situation that led to The Mostly True Confessions Of A Festivus Miracle Man  but I did it because I worked my ass off and because I am one determined motherfucker.

But it was…hard.

And I am about to go travel and my head isn’t right for it yet, haven’t slept enough or gotten enough down time.

Haven’t cleared the cobwebs or gotten a real vacation in so long the reserves are drained and the bone is grinding against the bone.

That is why I exploded and part of me is embarrassed because when I realized how angry I had become I felt responsible for creating a bad situation for myself and my kids.

Old Enough To Understand

The next day Steiner the minor and I talked about things.

“Dad, you shouldn’t be embarrassed, you didn’t break anything or do more than scream and cuss.”

I nodded my head.

He was right, I didn’t.

I didn’t put my fist through the wall, tear doors off of hinges or tear off the arms of the guy who cut me off and flipped the old bird at me when I honked at him.

“We are all old enough to know and act better. But I am not old enough to have forgotten about my dreams and fantasies.

But I am old enough to sometimes hear the tick-tock of the clock and to worry about what happens if I don’t work hard to live my dreams and not dream my life away.”

Blame It On the Funeral

There was a time not so long ago when it was unusual to for me to have peers who had lost a parent.

Sure, I knew a few people who had lost a mother or father but they were clearly the exception and because we were all very young I didn’t worry about my own parents.

They were young too.

Except they aren’t quite as young anymore and now I know a bunch of people who have lost one or both of their parents.

Last week I went to another funeral to pay my last respects to another friend’s father, a man just a couple of years older than my dad.

Maybe that played a role in all this.

I didn’t tell my son how I often worry about my dad because his health isn’t great and there are little things that take place that make me wonder how much longer we have.

Some of it is because there is no defined timeline and I see no reason to get him upset about something that might not happen for years.

There is no benefit or upside to it.

Ten years ago My Parents Purchased Cemetery Plots and I blogged about how strange it seemed to me.

Death truly isn’t unfamiliar to me, people die and we move on or at least we do our best to.

What Are You Running Towards?

Midway during my conversation with Steiner the minor I told him I wanted to revisit our conversations about running away and running towards…things.

I told him again we aren’t people who lie down when things get tough or the kind that hide.

“We tighten our belts, grit our teeth and find a way to get it done and if we can’t, well we fall knowing we tried.”

He nodded his head and I told him that we can look at life in a number of ways.

“Some people run from life and some run towards it. I hope that you always find a way and a reason to run towards it, but don’t forget to ask what you are running towards so that you can make sure you are running in the right direction.”