There are secrets that lie behind a big green gate that call out to me and ask to be discovered, shared and understood.
Yet instead of engaging in investigation and exploration of those I am seated at this computer listening to Elvis sing If I Can Dream.
It is an appropriate song for the moment and one of my favorites but it doesn’t make me forget this is the second time this year I have covered this particular topic.
Boundaries in blogging prevent me from writing with the sort of detail I really wish to put down on paper but if you believe people deserve to have some control over their digital destiny this is how it has to be.
Teenagers Are Big Toddlers
I hit the gym last night and glared and grimaced at my reflection but not because I was upset.
Truth is I felt great and those faces aren’t the ones you make solely because of digestive distress or sexual happiness.
They are the ones that come with focus and exertion combined with the clink and clank of metal swinging through the air.
In a place that isn’t as far away from me as a certain person thinks it is, there is a person who is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
They don’t understand that even though I have never been visited this particular place I understand a lot about it because you don’t have to visit the sun to know it is hot.
And because I have visited similar locations I know enough to be concerned about how things play out.
Doesn’t mean I don’t have faith things will work themselves out because my gut says it is going in the right direction but that doesn’t remove the ache in my heart.
Nor does it prevent me from reviewing past events to try and see when the wheels came off of the wagon.
But none of that changes the current reality nor replaces the feeling that sometimes teenagers are like big toddlers.
Too Big To Fail
Someone looked me in the eye and told me how to fix things and I suggested they cease and desist communicating with me about this.
When they asked why I said I don’t feel like I have real support for this and I wasn’t interested in fake platitudes and ignorant comments about how to handle this.
There is a difference between expert opinion and the prattling of someone who read something once that has no relevance to the situation.
Funny thing is I have thought about one of theirÂ suggestionsÂ more than once but only out of frustration.
I am still strong enough to physically enforce my will and I could make certain things happen but I won’t do it.
It won’t change the situation and the other party in question is so very similar to me I know that two things will come of this.
- I will have to hurt them.
- It willÂ break pieces and parts of both of us.
The days when I could tuck them under one arm and make things happen are gone and that is ok.
Fear is what drives much of this and saying things like too big to fail isn’t helpful. Doesn’t matter if it is true or not.
Unexpected & Unwanted
I rage and rage against it all.
Always have and probably always will.
Been told more than once I am far too intense and that it is too hard to hang out with me because I wear people out and exhaust them.
Some of those who left made me sad and I have missed or maybe even still miss them but I keep going because not everyone is made to walk with us.
There are people who journey with us and who don’t find the intensity off putting because it is charming or familiar.
So much of life has been unexpected and some has been unwanted, but that is how it goes.
Took a long time for me to not just realize that but to accept and understand.
It is a lesson I have tried to share and pass along but I don’t know how well I have taught it or if it is something that can only be appreciated after it has been experienced.
Told that teen I love him a million times and in the silence I heard the echoes of myself and remembered.
Where To Focus
Telephone calls and text messages aren’t the way I wanted or intended for this to go.
I never expected or anticipated that one day this would be how I had to do things and when it happened I figured it wouldn’t forever.
And it wasn’t but then it happened again.
Can’t tell you why or how things got to be as they are.
Sure, we could go back and look at the past and point out how things led down this path but they wouldn’t really explain it.
Wouldn’t matter if you took engineers, scientists, doctors and spiritualists either because this is where we are.
And because my heart says it is the right path and that if I keep walking through the night I’ll reach daylight and the cycle will repeat.
Told that kid to look inside and find a particular thing.
Said if he could find it I could show him how to use it to walk through the woods at night with nothing more than moonlight to guide us.
Said I could teach him how to use his birthright to walk through fire and swim through rough seas as easily as calm.
The toddler had blind faith and would run towards outstretched hands but the teenager is more circumspect.
So I stand here trying to figure out where to focus my energy because this sort of multitasking diminishes my ability to do all that I have to do for all of us.
Can’t focus on just one nor can I ignore what I see.
All I can do is as I have done and if it doesn’t work, well I guess I’ll just pivot, dodge and duck until I find another way.