The Reason Your Blog Is A Failure

 

 

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Someone ought to tell the people that send me hate mail that I appreciate their time and that I enjoy occupying a place inside their heads. Let them know that because  I am quite mature I probably won’t use their email addresses or names in the posts that I write about them,

Ok, don’t tell them that because I can’t and won’t promise that I won’t say that MrEd87@hotmail.com doesn’t have the most clever email address ever or that his email wasn’t the wittiest I have ever read.

I am glad that he took the time to send me a 8,983 word email about why my blog is a failure. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons:

  1. It rambles.
  2. The headlines aren’t always good.
  3. The headlines don’t always relate.
  4. Sometimes there are spelling mistakes.
  5. There is too much innuendo.
  6. I don’t care how long you have been blogging for.

Well Mr. Ed. try not to bite my hand as you take the sugar cubes from me and I will respond point by point.

  1. Before I begin I want to ask if read the story about the guy who had sex with a nun, kicked a priest and pulled a rabbi’s beard. Wait, let’s not talk about that yet. Did I tell you that I dislike LeBron so much I want the celtics to beat the Heat. Now what was I saying.
  2. I promise to write a post that uses the following headline: A Good Headline.
  3. I am sorry that I didn’t provide 69 reasons why fathers are better lovers. Oops.
  4. You must be a Canuck or a Brit if you think that I color and favorite aren’t spelled correctly.
  5. If only she fit under the desk while I was writing this might be funnier. Or maybe I would smile more. Dammit, does that fit your critique…
  6. There are 8 years worth of complaints about my blogging…

A Musical Interlude and More about Why Blogs Fail

After the Fire– Roger Daltrey
Jack And Diane-John Mellencamp
I Think I Love You- The Partridge Family
Goodbye-Emmy Lou Harris
Tangled Up In Blue– Bob Dylan
No Leaf Clover– Metallica

It is time for me to put on my Social Media Guru hat and use my amazing social media ninja skills to educate my new friend Mr. Ed. Stand back and watch my 8 years of blogging provide him with the sort of education he couldn’t find any where else.

The reason your blog is a failure is because you have unrealistic expectations. There is a domino effect that is tied into this. You are frustrated because your traffic hasn’t set the blogosphere on fire and you aren’t receiving 1,000 comments per post praising you for your insight and wit.

Your focus isn’t on organic growth or understanding that it takes time, hard work and significant effort to build something of value. Consequently you have adopted poor metrics to pay attention to and think that you are failing when it is entirely possible to say that you are succeeding.

That is my long winded and rambling way of saying you are failing because you aren’t having fun.

You Can Turn It Around

What is with the long face my friend. You can turn this around. You can change it up and turn that frown upside down. The way to start having fun is to begin by writing first for you and then for everyone else. Write with passion and purpose but do it about something that interests you.

Stop trying to write for traffic. Stop trying to go viral. No one knows the formula. If they did they would do it every time and it wouldn’t be long before that formula was sold for big bucks and everything would go viral and we wouldn’t get anything done because we’d spend all day watching viral videos on YouTube.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. Just write. Tell everyone you are the greatest daddy blogger ever and you have had sex with nuns and priests. Ok, maybe leave out the priests part but definitely include the nuns.

Scratch that, don’t categorize or label the women. Just say that because of blogging you are rich, famous and have lots of sex.  Anyone who knows anything about blogging will automatically assume that you are either lying or that you had money before you became a blogger because no one gets rich from this business.

The same people will tell you that being a big deal on the Internet isn’t such a big deal in real life. Try talking to most people about those big names from the Internet/blogosphere and they won’t have a clue what you are talking about.

So  just tell everyone that because you are a blogger you have lots of sex. They may not believe you but they will read you because sex always sells, especially if you write ebooks that are labelled as Mommy Porn, whatever the hell that means.

Review

Well Mr. Ed I hope you feel better now. I have addressed all of your concerns and have provided you with practical instructions for how to keep your blog from becoming a failure. I have also come up with a plan for a good headline, stopped rambling and removed all of the innuendo from my blog.

That ought to make you smile and feel special.

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