You Can’t Fight Change
He asked me to promise him I would never move again but what he was really asking was for me to promise he would never move again.
And when I told I him I wouldn’t make any such promise because I could never keep it he nodded his head and said he trusted me to do my best.
I didn’t tell him that I often feel like I am the guy in that rowboat above and it is just me out on the sea with nothing but my wits, luck and force of will to contend with whatever I come across. I didn’t tell him how many times I have felt like I was out in the middle of the ocean floundering around wondering if the wave would capsize the boat.
Nor did I tell him that I never drown, no matter how hard and how bad it has been. Maybe it is because there is a part of me that is locked up that I have kept buried because I don’t want to let it out until I am certain the storm is over.
He is a few weeks short of 13 and though he is quite mature there are some things he doesn’t need to know or discuss, not now. Â But I thought about the movies we watch and this scene from The Fellowship of The Rings came to mind.
It has been a while since we watched it but I remember this scene ever so well. I was around 13 or so when I first read the book and I remember being crushed when Gandalf fell.
But now when I watch it I think about when my son and I watched it and how I had to be like Aragorn. I think about how hard that time was and how when I told the kids we were selling the house they cried and how I sat there stone faced because I couldn’t tell them how angry and upset I was.
We were selling the house because it had to be done and I wanted to have as much control of the situation as possible. I was afraid if we didn’t that things would get worse and then my ability to make a decision would be taken from me.
Anger doesn’t express what I felt nor does sorrow.
I was somewhere in between and it wasn’t the kind of thing a father shows his children.
Nor could I tell them how embarrassed I was. It wasn’t my fault. I knew it then as clearly as I know it now but I couldn’t accept that because the buck stops with me.
Nothing Stays The Same
It took a long time to weather that storm and to get to a point where we could see daylight. Took much longer than the kids know and I will always be happy about that because for a little while I was the guy fighting off the hordes by myself and none did pass and then…they did.
But we got through it and reached a place where the rain that fell came in drops and the sky was blue instead of  black.
And now we are in this really interesting place where we haven’t quite reached the shore but land is in sight.
All we have to do is sail a little bit longer and then we get to find out if the natives are friendly and if the land is hospitable.
And if I can geek it up a bit more I’ll remind myself that the really good times did not come until after the Breaking of The Fellowship.
Time will tell.
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