"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx
(New Zealand Ministry of Fisheries/AP Photo)
WELLINGTON, New Zealand Feb 22, 2007 (AP)— A fishing crew has caught a colossal squid that could weigh a half-ton and prove to be the biggest specimen ever landed, a fisheries official said Thursday.
The squid, weighing an estimated 990 lbs and about 39 feet long, took two hours to land in Antarctic waters, New Zealand Fisheries Minister Jim Anderton said.
I don’t know about you but I strive to help all people. The first thing I do when I hear the sounds of trouble is grab my sword and run to do battle against evil doers.
OCONOMOWOC, Wisconsin (AP) — A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.
“Now I feel stupid,” said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. “This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake.”
According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning February 12, damaging the frame and lock.
“Where is she?” Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. “Where is she?”
The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.
The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.”
(part one is here)
I learned a lot from number three. The most important lesson was to learn how to duck, tuck and roll. Her idea of marriage counseling was to fling the first object she could find at my head. The devil better pray that number three goes somewhere else. One wrong move and she’ll use that pitchfork to explore areas of his anatomy it wasn’t made for.
Don’t get me wrong, number three had her good points. She lit my fire like no one else. When we were kids we used to fantasize about finding a woman like her. Sometimes the boys and I would sit around telling stories. You could always guarantee that one of us would speak about that girl. She was the one who did things that would get you arrested in 37 of the 50 states. Funny thing about these stories was that girl never seemed to live anywhere close to our neighborhood.
If you asked how they met it was almost always on vacation. I can remember thinking that if I couldn’t marry that girl at least I could be her brother. The way I figured it she came from a rich family. Who else could afford to be on vacation that often.
Folks I received another one of those friendly notes in which the author explains that in exchange for my help I can receive a sizable sum of money. If you have been following the blog at all you know that upon occasion I have engaged these scam artists in conversation.
The latest is so ridiculous I can’t begin to explain it. Anyway, I received the note below yesterday. I haven’t edited it in any way. What you see is exactly what I saw.
This item from National Association of the Deaf has been forwarded to you by Mrs Suha Arafat Yasser.
Dear Friend, I am Mrs. SUHA ARAFAT, the wife of YASSER ARAFAT, the Palestinian leader who died in Paris. Since his death and even prior to the announcement, I have been thrown into a state of antagonism,confusion,humiliation, frustration and hopelessness by the present leadership of the Palestinian Liberation Organization and the new Prime Minister. I have even been subjected to physical and psychological torture. As a widow that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with everybody in the country at the moment You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet on the discovery of some fund in my husband secret bank account and companies and the allegations of some huge sums of money deposited by my husband in my name of which I have refuses to disclose or give up to the corrupt Palestine Government. In fact the total sum allegedly discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of about $6.5 Billion Dollars. And they are not relenting on their effort to make m e poor for life. As you know, the Moslem community has no regards for woman, hence my desire for a foreign assistance.You can visit the BBC news broadcast below for better unde rstanding of what I am talking about. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3479937.stm http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3995769.stm I have deposited the sum of 18 million dollars with a security firm abroad whose name is withheld for now until we open communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping and any Investment opportunity.This arrangement is known to you and my personal Attorney.He might be dealing with you directly for security reasons as the case may be.My Attorney lives in London (UK) because i want him to be far away from my country Palestinian for the fear of my Governemnt. In view of the above, if you are willing to assist for our mutual benefits, we will have to negotiate on your Percentage share of the $18 mi llion that will be kept in your position for a while and invested in your name for my trust pending when my Daughter, Zahwa, will come off age and take full responsibility of her Family Estate/inheritance.If you are honest, I am going to entrust more funds in your care as this is one of the legacy we keep for our children. In ca se you don’t accept please do not let me out to the security and international media as I am giving you this information in total trust and confidence I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith.You are to contact me on this email address( mrssuha@pc.nu ) and send me your full names andyour contact telephone numbers,cell number for my attorney to contact you for us to proceed immediately.Please expedite action is needed. Yours sincerely Mrs Suha Arafat
Source:
Dear Madam Suha,
I was so very pleased to receive your letter from the National Association of the Deaf. I am fluent in multiple signs including flipping the bird so this note spoke loudly to me.
My heart breaks when I think of your situation. It is with great joy that I undertake this event. I might even have to set sail on my ship the Altalena to help you. I have my own crew, the Stern Gang so it would be easy enough to engage their support.
I wonder if I might set my attorney in motion. The honorable Sharon Bibi of the Bank of Levi Eshkol has represented me for years. It seems to me that it might make sense to contact him. He is wise, discrete and an able man who can take care of facilitating a proper place for the funds.
Since I am a man of means and wit I would ask that you give me 27.3%. In addition as I am a spiritual man I will require that you also donate funds to several charities, such as the JNF.
What can we do to push this along?
Kind Regards,
Jack Yerushalmi
In response I received two more notes.
Dear Jack Yerushalmi,
Thanks for your response. I have given your email address to my lawyer Mr Christopher Hall who is base in the UK London to contact you for the full detail.
ThanksMrs Arafat
Here is the subject line from the next note:
Information from Mr Christopher Hall the lawyer to Mrs Suha Arafat From Palestinian
Attention Jack Yerushalmi,You sound real and ready to listen to the cry for help
of Mrs Arafat and i must say i am very impress and i
will always prefer to work with you. The private
organisation in costodian of this fund is in Holland
Nertherland,it will be of a great favour towards the
completion of this transaction if you will be dealing
with them as the beneficiary bearing in mind the
sharing ratio of 30 percent of the total fund of 18
million United states dollars.
You will be dealing with the diplomats of this
organisation who are special attachees to the
organization.
I will suggest that you speak with me on this no and
let us get knowing and trusting each other, telephone
no as follows+447024066333.
Thanks
Mr Christopher Hall
Here is my response to “Christopher Hall.”
Dear Mr. Hall,
The Netherlands are among my favorite. You are a dear klotzok. If you would be so kind to place your finger in a dike I am sure that we can make this work.
As I mentioned in my initial note in order to work together I need Arafat to agree to a few things.
1) A donation to the Hadassah Hospital and a note apologizing for all terror activities.
2) Agreement that should either party default they will be forced to spend time in cleveland.
3) And last two more charities must be included. A small donation to the Church of the Tree Frog and the Church of Charles Cheese.
Can you agree to these terms?
Regards,
Jack
Let the games begin.
They don’t pay me to work at the carnival guessing people’s height/weight anymore. The carnies don’t like losing to the rubes. They find it unseemly to let more than a couple of people walk off with an oversized stuffed teddy bear. It doesn’t matter that in order to win the rube had to drop 12 times as much as the bear cost. It is the principle of the matter. Rubes are rubes. They’re suckers and every carnie knows that suckers deserve what they get.
At first the life of a carnie appealed to me. I enjoyed the hustle and bustle. I liked the variety, never did want to spend too much living in anyone place. For a while the carnival life suited me just fine. But the story of my life is that of someone with a restless spirit. I can only stay in one place for so long before I get that itch to wander again. That probably explains why I have been married so many times. For some reason wandering eyes are frowned upon. Each time I explain that it is biological. It is a genetic thing. I can’t help it, god made me this way and lord knows that I don’t pick fights that I can’t win.
You’ll forgive me if I skip around a bit. You’ll indulge my need to ramble because…I am going to do it anyway. You know, that is almost word for word how my second wife described me. She said that she wasn’t going to bother trying to work things out because she knew that I was just going to do it anyway. Sometimes I miss her. She had her good points. Cooked well, kept the house clean and even after the divorce was happy to help keep me and my pal feeling ok. Main problem with her was that she just couldn’t shut up.
The third wife was a mistake. Never get drunk with a broad you hardly know in Vegas because stupid shit happens. You know those stories about the wack jobs who meet someone and get married three hours later, well I can wear that hat too.
Here is what our wedding night was like. I was playing craps at one of the smaller casinos downtown. I like them better because they don’t have the crowds. The tourists don’t hang out here. It is a place for the locals. You don’t find the rubes down here. There is not enough glitter to catch their eye. Besides the rubes are too stupid to go somewhere that offers a better chance to win. Morons, all of them.
It wasn’t like I was winning, but I wasn’t losing either. I was in between shows and my cash was dwindling. The casino was the last place that I should have been but then again I thought that it might be the night that I could bust things open. I didn’t need to win all that much. I figured that if I could triple the $500 I had on me I’d have enough to pay rent. I hadn’t thought about anything beyond that.
I don’t know when she arrived at the table or who spoke to who first. It was probably her. I have a habit of ignoring women. That probably helps to explain why I have been married so many times. Did I mention that there were only about three of us there? It was late afternoon. Too early for the night owls and just about too late for the senior citizenry.
She was wearing a faded blue dress and her jet black hair smelled like the mountains. Our first conversation was a cross between flirting and a fight. That must of have done something for her because she didn’t leave the table. By this point we were in between shifts for the casino cocktail waitresses. Since there was no one around I was my normal charming self and asked her to go get me a beer.
If I close my eyes I can see the flames shoot out of her nose, or maybe it is the scar on my head acting up. Old number three showed her appreciation by flinging an ashtray at me. I never saw it coming. It knocked me right on my ass. I am not sure exactly what happened after that. I know that she hurried over to check on me. I told her to move a little close so that I could get a better view and she threatened to chuck that thing at me again.
Every time I hear Get Up Offa That Thing by James Brown I have to get up and dance. Sadly I am not much of a dancer. I can two step and do a variety of slow dances. If I am at a Bar Mitzvah/Wedding I can do a mean Kazatzky, but then things get a little ugly.