The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for May 2008

The Worst Place To Have Plumbing Problems

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I can’t think of too many places that could possibly be more problematic than in outer space. I hope that they have plenty of bottles and pots, or at least corks and rubber bands.

“WASHINGTON (AP) — The international space station’s lone toilet is broken, leaving the crew with almost nowhere to go. So NASA may order an in-orbit plumbing service call when space shuttle Discovery visits next week.

Until then, the three-man crew will have to make do with a jury-rigged system when they need to urinate.

While one of the crew was using the Russian-made toilet last week, the toilet motor fan stopped working, according to NASA. Since then, the liquid waste gathering part of the toilet has been working on-and-off.

Fortunately, the solid waste collecting part is functioning normally.

Russian officials don’t know the cause of the problem, and the crew has been unable to fix it.

The crew has used the toilet on the Soyuz return capsule, but it has a limited capacity. They now are using a backup bag-like collection system that can be connected to the broken toilet, according to NASA public affairs officials.”

For the full story flush here.

Thank You!!- Haveil Havalim Hosts

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Haveil Havalim is the weekly roundup of posts from the Jewish/Israeli blogosphere. As many of you know the carnival was originally organized by Soccer Dad and I have since taken over the role of admin.

This is a post that is long overdue to thank the many bloggers who have stepped up to the plate and taken on the responsibility of hosting as well as those of you who continue to contribute because without your help H.H. would cease to exist.

So I wanted to take a moment to publicly thank those of you who have hosted and those of you who are standing on deck. Here is a list of bloggers whose help has been invaluable. Take a moment and go say hello.

And please note that some of the newer hosts are already taking a second turn at bat.

Past Posts

Ill call Baila
Esser Agaroth
The Israel Situation
My Shrapnel
Life in Israel
Jtown Underground
Tzipiyah.com
SimplyJews
Ima on (and off) the Bimah
Frume Sarah’s World

Future Hosts

Frum Satire
Writes Like She Talks
Soccer Dad
Ima on (and off) the Bimah
Daled Amos
Yidwithlid
Esser Agaroth
Frume Sarah’s World
The Rebbetzin’s Husband
Yehuda Berlinger

For a more complete list of past hosts please click here.

The Husband Store- A Joke

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This is from the mailbag.

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Traveling Jack’s Plane Made It

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I am pleased to say that my unscheduled trip to Dallas was quite successful. I am even more pleased to say that my plane did not crash. If you had a chance to check out this post you’ll see that my kids were a bit concerned about this. Ok, I was minorly concerned about it as well, but not so much.

Did my usual father bit with them, flashed them a big smile, hugged and reassured them and even said Tefilat Ha-Derech with them, although it most assuredly wasn’t done from inside of a tank. And might I add that some days I’d like to have my own tank to drive around town in. The mileage isn’t great, but it does wonders for solving road rage for other drivers. No one wants to get in a fight with the guy that can crush your car.

Anyhoo, the flight out there wasn’t too bad, but that is probably due to the time of departure. It left at 7 AM which meant that I had to get up at the ungodly hour of 4 something am. Throughout my adult life I have tried to make a point of never being awake at that particular time unless I happened to be coming home from a night out on the town.

In this case the early morning played to my advantage as I was able to enjoy the comfort of the last four rows to myself. Unfortunately something I consumed the day before decided to play with me so I found myself traversing the seven feet between my seat and the closet they call a bathroom more times than I care to remember.

If ever I need to find a way to make myself feel like a I am physically imposing I only need step into an airplane bathroom. My shoulders extend from one side to the other and my knees scrape the door. Surely there is no more luxurious way to enjoy a call of nature than to do so from the midst of an undersized closet in a flying tin can.

The trip from here to there was relatively short so the joy of the plane ride was short lived. Once again I got a kick out of the rental car agent telling me to be careful of the traffic and to watch the heat. Clearly they haven’t spent much time in paradise.

There is a lot more that could be shared but I’ll do you all a favor and cover some of the highlights. Sunday was a long day. As I mentioned I woke up rather early, hopped on the plane, grabbed a car and then drove about 150 miles or so.

On my way back to the hotel the GPS quit so I had to fumble around a bit to get back to the hotel. Finally made it and then discovered that the key to my room wasn’t working. Sooooooooo, I trudged back down to the front desk and spoke with a very nice man who I couldn’t understand.

I could have sworn he said Everybody Wang Chung Tonight. It took great effort not to try and reply with some attempt at wit. I was pretty tired and I swear that it sounded like he said it. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was giving me the first part of an ’80s password. Should I have replied with something like Brat Pack, Duran Duran or maybe Kajagoogoo.

I don’t know.

This morning I enjoyed a fabulous 12 course breakfast meal that was prepared by the Shmata Queen. Yes folks, she lives, even if she doesn’t blog any longer. And it was my good fortune not to be poisoned by the Texan temptresses culinary skills.

However I did find it all so entrancing that I almost managed to miss my flight. Just barely made it and I do mean barely. As I ran up to the gate I walked right onto the plane and found that I was seated behind a giant of a man. Nice fellow, kind of reminded me of Chicken from Survivor. Would have liked him better if he didn’t feel the need to put the seat back so far his Ten gallon hat was tickling my nose and the seat was across my lap.

He is lucky that I didn’t have a marker or black shoe polish or I might have had to try a few tricks out. He is probably more thankful that I didn’t fall asleep; because if I had I might have snored and or drooled in his ear. Now that is probably more information than any of you want, but I am a giving sort of fellow.

One last comment about Chicken. The man had terrible gas. It was so bad I was tempted to open the emergency row door, if for no other reason than to have the sanctuary of that fine yellow oxygen mask.

More later. Jack is out.