The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for August 2011

Death and Facebook

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Tonight I wrote a post based upon a prompt for The Red Dress Club but I am not happy with it. I don’t think that it is as good as this one. Really, I think that I would include these two among the posts that are better. Maybe it is because grandpa is gone and I am sad or maybe it is for other reasons. Not really sure, but I sort of feel like I am The Phantom of The Opera singing All I Ask Of You.

If I were a professional singer I would want to have the sort of voice that exudes depth and power. I’d want something that was so compelling people would get lost in the moment. It is a dream of mine but unlikely to ever move from dream status to that place we call reality. Some gifts are given and some are available to those who are willing to work for them but I don’t think that this is one that I can obtain through hard work. Might as well add it to the list of things that I would ask the genie to provide.

Sometimes I think about what would happen if I met that mythical genie and received three wishes. Would I focus solely upon my own wants and desires or would I take a more altruistic approach and wish for world peace. Hard to say. I once had a dream about the illustrious Ann Stacey and let’s just say that if you could read my mind you might need to take a shower afterwards. That reminds me to warn you to stay out of my head. It is quite dangerous inside there and the zoo keepers say that it is dangerous to feed the animals.

Last night I discovered that someone unsuccessfully tried to break into my home. They kicked my front door and broke part of the frame, but didn’t gain entrance into the Jack cave. I am more than a little pleased that they didn’t make it and happier that I didn’t encounter them. I don’t say that because I fear for my own safety but because I fear for theirs. Lately luck and I have sat on opposite sides of the fence and I fear that I would be arrested for beating the trespasser silly. Kind of  a silly and ridiculous thought, but I am all about silly and ridiculous.

Fortunately silly and ridiculous went out drinking and left me alone with a $32 dollar bill from Home Depot and a chunk of time that I can’t bill clients for. Did I mention that in the spirit of silly and ridiculous I would like to kick the trespasser in the balls. On the off chance that they are female I would substitute that kick with a throat punch. I know, we’re not supposed to hit women but if you break into my house all bets are off. Not to mention that I could always unleash little sister upon them and that would be far worse than anything I can do. Little sister survived a childhood that included me as a big brother- that means that little sister is tough. Really tough.

Josh Groban is singing You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up) on my iTunes. Don’t even think of trying to pull my man card or the phantom will visit you and you’ll be sorry. I don’t know if I like it better than Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush. Willie Nelson and Sinead O’Connor covered the song too– not horrible but not great either. That reminds me of this video:

It kills me watching his father fly out of the stands and onto the track. I would do that in a heartbeat for my kids. Right now things are simply awful and spectacular all at the same time. I find myself watching clips that pump me up and I take one more deep breath because it is the second, third or fourth efforts that make the difference. You win by not giving up. You win by finding the energy to go that extra step so here I am writing and searching for the place inside myself that stores that extra energy I  need.

There are no rules or guidelines for life other than work hard and never give up. It is fair to say that being lucky is easier than working hard but I doubt that it is as rewarding. Just a few more minutes left before I go to bed. Just a few more minutes to say that I picked up my tuxedo and I think that I look pretty damn good when I am cleaned up. Just a few more minutes to say that if you haven’t read my latest guest post you should.

Just a few more minutes to say that sometimes the most important part of a guest post is making sure that you have your blog sparkling and clean so that if new readers come from your post they have something that is inviting and interesting to check out. That is it for now. Stay tuned to this bat channel because there is much more coming in the very near future.

P.S. I had intended to write a post about how Facebook has integrated itself into the mourning process. I was going to write about how my cousins and I have been talking on Facebook about my grandfather and that he is not the first “death” to be discussed this way, but I just didn’t feel like writing it. Maybe I’ll hit that on a different day.

Lean On Me

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I am not here to inspire or teach you anything. I am not going to use the words in this post to promote my blog, myself or any one

Instead I am just going to write with reckless abandon and without a care about whether this will generate one comment or one thousand.

This is not a gimmick or a ploy. It is unadulterated Jack and at the moment it is all I have got to give and I am ok with that. I am ok with it because life has been more than crazy lately.

My grandfather died last week and my sister is getting married this coming weekend. Oh, did I mention that my family is moving in two weeks. I think that it is fair to say that I have a few things on my plate.

So you might wonder why it is that I am writing this post instead of taking care of the 1,983,983 things that take priority over blogging. The answer is simple.

I am guest posting over at Bill’s place today. Click here to read the rest of this post.

Writers Write Right

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I originally wrote this last January but it based upon a number of posts from around the blogosphere it seemed appropriate to run it again.

Writers write right. Writers write, right? Writers write, right! I can craft that opening sentence to read a number of different ways. The point and purpose is to set the tone of the post or piece. It is part of why I frequently include quotes, pictures and music in these posts. I have an idea that I want you to understand. I have a theory, a tale or a story that will be enhanced by including those items. It is about connecting with the reader.

Connecting with the reader is the most critical component and sometimes the hardest thing to do.  I see things in my head. I have stories to tell and ideas to share. I want my readers to feel what I feel and to see what I see. There is a rhythm in my writing that reminds me of working out on my heavy bag. When I put on the gloves and start pounding the bag I am always listening to music. It is because the song helps me to set the pace. It helps to establish the time that I intend to work out for.

There are moments where I want nothing more than to pound out my frustration. Moments where I want the beat to help me beat the bag so hard that thoughts cannot creep inside my mind. I want to exhaust myself with the effort I put in so that when I am done I can barely raise my arms. At the end of those workouts I feel like I have been cleansed of whatever ills might be bothering me. That feeling might not last, but nothing does so that is ok.

Writers write. It is what we do. The reason why doesn’t matter. We write because we write…right. I blog furiously, with reckless abandon. Sometimes I write because it feels like if I turn my head I’ll discover that whatever it is that has been chasing me is right behind me. Sometimes I write because it is the best way to express my thoughts. Sometimes I write because I need to know that I can call upon my words whenever and wherever I need them to be.

That is because in my real life I get paid to write about a lot of different things and sometimes I am bored beyond belief by the topic. I am a passionate guy with a fiery personality. I like to use that passion to fuel my writing but I can’t allow my writing to be blocked because I am bored or because I can’t feel whatever it is I am writing about. I don’t have the time to make sure that everything is perfect. I take pride in my work and produce something as close to perfect every time, but I won’t pretend to hit the mark.

Chris Brogan addressed this in a post he wrote called The Myth of the Perfect Writing Environment. Read it. If you don’t read it take a moment to look at these two excerpts:

“If you’re passionate and dedicated and intend to get your writing done, buck up and do it. If you don’t have your perfect Moleskine with you or you left your lucky pen at home, then write on something else. Use a napkin. Use a crayon. Write. Get it done. Put your words into something so that you can look at them outside of your head. Get the first thoughts out. Get your notes into a format that will generate a real piece when the time is right.”

and

“The best sentences don’t sell books (or magazines or whatever). A string of reasonably not bad sentences with useful and engaging information sells books. My books are NOT the best-written books out there on their topic. They’re well-marketed books that I put some soul and heart into. Is every sentence just so? Not even a little bit. But am I a New York Times bestselling author? Oh yes I am. Because I published.”

That is sensible and practical advice that I can use as a writer, friend, businessman and father. The time to write is NOW.  I share these thoughts on the blog for a variety of reasons. If you are one of the 17 long time readers you know that eventually my children will be given the keys to the kingdom and that this will be a place that they can come to read and see what was important to their father. It is also a chronicle of their lives where I can come back and remember what they said that was so funny to me. A place where I come and laugh when I think about my ten year-old saying during the State of the Union that he was afraid of being drafted to help build the railroad. If you didn’t watch President Obama or read the speech go Google it and you’ll see where he spoke about the infrastructure.

I write here for me first. I wouldn’t last if I didn’t. Apparently I am not the only writer who thinks like this.

“I never think about you,” said British author Martin Amis at the Jaipur Literature Festival in response to a young member of the public who asked how important readers are in an author’s mind.

“You are dead if you think about the reader. You think about yourself,” added Mr. Amis. He was adamant that authors should “write what they would like to read,” rather than have an ideal reader in mind.

The blog also serves as a way to jump start the paid writing. If I come across an assignment that I am having trouble with I sometimes stimulate the writing by blogging about something. Topic doesn’t matter, what matters is starting the creative process. Remember that I said that I want the words to come when I call. I need them to come like Spiderman’s web. Point, click, cut, paste, clickety-clack.

Writers write, but they also read. I read constantly and consistently. Some of it is for pleasure and some of it is intended to help me in areas x,y and z. Right now I am reading The Art of War,  primarily for pleasure but also with an eye for applying some of the lessons to my life.

Within the blogosphere I read quite a few blogs, some of them religiously, some of them not so much. Lately I have been checking out Kommein. It is a blog that I have been visiting on and off for quite some time now. I like it because I find some of the posts to have practical advice. Here are two that have caught my eye:
The Benefits of Linking for the Linker
Weekend Discussion: Why Don’t You Comment On Blogs

Two quick comments on these posts. I have been sort of struggling with links for a while now. I tend to share a lot of what I find interesting on Twitter and less here. It is sort of the reverse of what I did on the old blog.  In part it is because I don’t have as much time to blog as I used to, but a quick Tweet is simple. I am not so sure that it is as beneficial.

And I agree with Deb that linking is Good JuJu. As for commenting, well I comment on virtually everything. I suppose that you could say that it is not always smart to comment unless you add value, but that is sort of weak to me. You put the time in to write and I took the time to read so it is sort of an acknowledgment of an exchange. I won’t lie and say that I don’t hope it leads to more readers because I do. However, that is a secondary role for me.

Writers write. Sometimes it is because we started a story whose end must wait and others because it is what pays the bills. And sometimes we write because for us it is simply, right.

A Fool Frolics Freely

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“It’s a little bit funny this feeling inside
I’m not one of those who can easily hide
I don’t have much money but boy if I did
I’d buy a big house where we both could live”
Your song- Elton John

Dear June,

I had that dream again. You know the one where I don’t write about dancing in the fire or lightning striking twice. There are no references to Echoes of the Future or Timing. No stories about the song of my heart or wind and waves. The heart may want what it wants but in my dream it doesn’t matter. I know things. I hear music. In my dream I don’t make the mistakes or take that wrong turn. In my dreams I don’t live a Greek tragedy or wonder about the war between heart and head.

A lifetime ago you called me in a panic and told me that you couldn’t imagine living a life alone and apart. I listened and laughed- not at you, but with you. I promised you that it wouldn’t go that way and asked you to have faith. It is a conversation that we’ll have on more than one occasion. The time to talk will come and go without the sort of resolution that we want but we’ll keep pushing forwards because we don’t know how to do it any other way.

And now a thousand years later I look back upon the past and try to understand what happened. I look back and wonder if the attempt to see what once was hampers the ability to see what could be. Was it dumb luck or destiny that brought us together. Did we have good timing or bad and does it really matter.

When I fell down the rabbit hole I lost my compass and have spent years wandering through golden caverns and plumbed the black depths of underground seas. I have stood under a moonlit sky and sent my soul searching for yours and found it upon more than one occasion.

So now I live between what was once and what might yet be. I wander through the kingdom we built and tend to the gardens we planted hopeful that one day we’ll harvest these crops together. Our castle is closed but only until we decide to live in it again. For now I fight the wars we once waged together alone and apart from you. But I do it because these pictures of you haven’t left my head and my heart swears there is a point and a purpose.

When his heart is full a fool frolics freely. I know  because I have been that guy and wonder/believer that one day I will be him again.

It Is The Relationships…Stupid

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Twenty-six years ago I sat in the Judean Hills overlooking Jerusalem and listened to someone chant Eicha, the Book of Lamentations. We were celebrating Tisha B’Av, a day that commemorates virtually every bad thing that has happened to the Jewish people.

I was 16 years-old and struck by two conflicting feelings/thoughts:

1) “I wish this would end so that my girlfriend and I can go find somewhere private….”

2) These terrible things happened to…us, to my community.

And community is something that I think about quite a bit for all sorts of reasons.  Here on my blog I think about how to build a community. I spend time trying to figure out how I can be true to myself as a writer and still involve the people that come here to read my words and share their own.

In my personal life I think about community for a number of different reasons. In relationship to my family I think about community and how it applies to the laws and customs regarding death. I think about community as it pertains to Shiva and my family.

I am grateful that so many people have come out to sit with my family and to try to provide comfort. There is an understanding that people are communal creatures and that we do better when we support each other.

Outside of my family the boys and I do what we can to help each other in whatever way we can. We sit around the table at the diner and swap stories about this and that.

“It’s the economy, stupid”

Someone mentions that history repeats itself and I nod my head. I throw out “It’s the economy, stupid” and we nod our heads together. It was a campaign slogan that Bill Clinton during his first campaign but back then we didn’t care about it the way that we do now.

Now we are all fathers in various states of marriage and or relationships. As young twenty-somethings we were too busy trying to start careers and or find companions to warm our beds. No one worried about mortgages, private school tuition or how to contend with a crazy ex-wife.

But now is different. Now we nod our heads and laugh at the idea of retiring any time before 60 and even that is pushing it. I suspect that even if we won the lottery most of us wouldn’t consider retiring at 60- but there is a difference between working because you want to and because you have to.

At a table nearby I overhear some guy saying that anyone who is struggling now is doing so because of their own poor choices. I don’t realize that I am staring at him and it it doesn’t take more than a moment for him to notice. He stares back at me and I refuse to break eye contact.

I look at him and say that compassion is in short supply and then I turn back to the guys at my table. One of them looks at me and says “relax.” It takes a moment for me to realize that my fists are clenched and the vein in my forehead is protruding.

I smile at him and tell him it is ok and that I have no desire to mix it up with anyone. He laughs and says that is the most compassionate thing he has ever heard me say. I laugh with him and tell the boys that I am thankful for their friendship. Twenty years ago there would have been a lot of smart ass remarks made but not anymore.

Today we understand life differently than before. Today we do the best we can to demonstrate that we understand compassion by supporting each other. Life has been different than we expected it to be but we have a long way to go before this story is over and there is optimism.

One of the guys says that maybe we’ll get lucky and find a way to stimulate the economy the way it was under Clinton. We shrug our shoulders and nod our heads. It is hard to say what things will look like in six months, a year or five. But I am optimistic because to do otherwise is simply unthinkable.

The Words You Read

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Sometimes I like to go back into the archives and revisit old posts to see if I still feel the same way. I have been thinking about this particular one because it ties into boundaries. When I wrote this 7 years ago I had complete anonymity and the kids were very young.

Now my anonymity isn’t complete and the kids have grown old enough for me to be more careful about which stories I share. I don’t have complete “ownership” of all of these tales so I think about whether it is fair to include them. I think about what lines I cross and what I won’t. I suspect that over time those things will continue evolve.

Anyhoo, the old post is in blockquotes below.

I write about anything and everything. That includes absolutely everything about my life and the people in it. On some topics I am cautious about how much I say, if it is warranted.

Items that warrant my care are posts that are about people who are easily identified and who might be hurt by what I share. Please note that this is subjective. I recognize that I have a fairly thick skin and that what I find to be hurtful and offensive may not be the same as someone else.

But it is my blog and my rules, so live with it. I’ll do my best not to intentionally offend or hurt most people. That is right, most people. Those that fall outside of my ambiguous definition may find themselves to be targets and who knows what can happen. If you are worried about this I suggest that you stop reading this blog and then there will only be 17 readers a month who might know your secrets.

On a side note I was thinking about how many people I know that are divorced and it occurred to me that I could post about it as well. And I am sure that to far too many of you it might appear that my post is about your experience. Unless there are specific details you can assume that it is likely not about you and even if there are it may be an amalgamation of stories.

If you know me personally you know that I enjoy embellishing my tales.

What I find so sad about the comments about divorce is how prevalent it has become. It just makes me wonder about relationships. Have we lost something that other generations had, or have we found a freedom and truths that other generations did not have.

Out of the many people that I know that are divorced I cannot think of any that I thought of or think of now as having been thoughtless about marriage. Each and every one of them appeared to enter their initial marriage with a lot of thought and good intentions. But good intentions are often not enough.

One friend of mine said that he thinks it takes the first marriage to teach you how to be married. I don’t totally buy that argument, but I can see some of what he is saying. There are some experiences that require actual exposure for understanding.