The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for October 2011

How To Piss Off Your Readers, Fans, Groupies & Minions

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hbooks

And the story goes like this your name is Jack. You are a father, a writer and a man who has a deeply infectious laugh and a predilection for trouble. Most of the time you are a writer but sometimes you spend your nights moonlighting as a superhero. Some people would describe you as a goofy, happy-go-lucky and insouciant fellow. Others might use different terms- but who cares what others think. You don’t or you wouldn’t have blown up your blog.

Or maybe you do. Maybe you don’t mind acting like a pretentious fool who describes himself in the third person. Maybe you don’t care because you have no trouble visualizing yourself as being as friendly as Wolverine or the Dark Knight. Superman is the nice superhero and you’re not nice.

Don’t say that to your mother because she doesn’t like you saying that you are difficult but she will admit that sometimes you can be grumpy, rigid and stubborn.

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Now that we got that nonsense out of the way let’s hit the heart of the problem. I blew up my blog today, switched from Thesis to Headway Themes. Should have spent some time reading the manual and doing some prep work but decided that it would be more fun to learn by doing. So I have spent a bit of time wrestling with the blog, the computer and two angels. Thus far it has been a tie.

I suppose that some might try to say that I am losing but I like to think that I am winning and not in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word. I am focused on figuring how to make this sucker sing a sweeter song than that which we are listening to now so I can promise that things will eventually settle down.

But eventually doesn’t mean today or tomorrow. It is an ambiguous term that I am using loosely here because I am not sure when it will settle. I can’t say precisely when I will feel comfortable with the changes. I will probably switch between commenting systems another time or two. I will turn on and turn off some plugins a dozen or more times because that is what needs to happen.

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I am relying upon your goodwill here. I am asking you to bear with me. I understand that some of you will find it too unsettling and you’ll move on. That is ok with me. I am not going to lie and say that I prefer that you stick around because I do. One of my objectives is to make more money from blogging than I am and it is easier to do so when you have a larger pool of readers. But I don’t know how to do this in any other way than I am doing it. Can’t be anyone else but me and sometimes storms follow that guy.

So if you will excuse me I have to go try and tame a tornado or two. In between I’ll do what I can to sweep up around here and make it look pretty.

As always your thoughts and ideas are welcome in the comments.

A Conversation With Stephen King

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Dear Stephen,

It is almost a week since I wrote you that last letter and I haven’t heard back from you yet. You are killing me man, making me look like I haven’t gotten any social media juice. No pull, no mojo. How will I ever show my face again to my fans, all three of them.

Really, I came up with this great headline to use as a follow up and now it is just that much weaker than it was.  But the beauty of being a writer is that I can create the conversation that we might have had. Right? I am glad that you, the Stephen of my imagination agree with me because it might be kind of awkward if you didn’t. People might wonder if the old melon was going soft and who could blame them. I suppose that it is possible, but I can assure you that it is still encased in cement. Hit me in the head and it will feel like you punched a pile of bricks.

Sometimes I think that I made a mistake by not taking advantage of that hard head. Maybe I should have become a boxer. The guys who do it well make ridiculous amounts of money and though I am not materialistic, I like money. Really, why shouldn’t I. It can’t buy you peace of mind or happiness but it can make it easier for you to chase some of those things. Big money would make it easier for me to work on writing the great American novel.

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So here we are, staring at my blog. This is my cyber sandbox. It is where I practice my writing and try to apply some of the lessons that I have learned from life experience, your book and my time working as a writer. I don’t know about you, but I almost never delete my drafts. I like to hold onto them and see if I can’t retool the post so that it works or alternatively incorporate pieces of those posts into something else. Want to see an example? Ok, here is a piece of a post that I haven’t been able to make work for me..yet.

Mom says that my preschool teachers used to tell her that I had quite an imagination. “Mrs. Jack, your son is a natural born storyteller. We can’t believe the stories he comes up with.” I’ll speak on behalf of mom and say that forty years later nothing has changed. I still have an active imagination. I dream in technicolor. I don’t have to go to the theater to see a movie nor do I need to turn on my television. My head is filled with Pulitzer Prize winning tales that could be translated to the big screen and turned into Oscar winners.

Really, it is true. It doesn’t matter to me whether it has happened yet because the story of my life hasn’t been written yet…just parts of it.

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That is an important distinction that people miss.  Max, the star of  I want to start over didn’t understand or maybe he didn’t believe it. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter.

Technically that comes from a post called What Inspires You but I wasn’t inspired while writing it so I let it go for a bit. It is rare that I feel like am suffering from any sort of writer’s block. I can’t remember a time where I was completely blocked, that just doesn’t happen. But I do hit spells where I can’t stomach the content I produce and lately that has been my particular affliction.

Most of the time I just put my head down and keep banging on the keyboard because sooner or later I’ll come out the other side. That’s because in my mind’s eye I see myself using a machete to blaze a trail through a jungle or engaged in hand to hand combat. Ask the Shmata Queen if she has ever seen me lose a fight that mattered and she’ll tell you no. It doesn’t happen. There is only one entrance into the castle. It is a single door that only has room for one person to enter at a time. Give me a sword and none shall pass.

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Well Stephen, if you can give me a little more time I’ll tell you about how I struggle to find the proper balance of self promotion (become a fan of TheJackB) and some of my plans for the future. I have been wrestling with code for a bit. Internet Explorer hates this blog- would love to fix that but I can’t seem to make that happen. It is frustrating. I know enough to be dangerous but not enough to be good. Have to rectify that.

I am on the verge of something big. I feel it. There are changes coming and it is making me a little crazy waiting for them to happen. I keep trying to use the force but it is not happening and Yoda won’t take my calls. So I am trying to focus on a couple of areas. The kids think that I know the answers to everything. They still think I am superman. That won’t last forever, but I am going to enjoy it while it does.

Would love to write more but they are home from school and it is lunch time. So I think that I’ll go sit and spend a few minutes with them. Hope you come visit again. Leave me a comment sometime, my readers will love it.

Talk to you soon,

Jack

WordPress Comments Vs Livefyre

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This audio post shares some thoughts about what has happened since I turned off Livefyre and reimplemented the WordPress native commenting system alongside the CommentLuv plugin:

So here is the skinny: a little less than two weeks have gone by since I turned off Livefyre and returned to the WP native commenting system. I have augmented that system with the CommentLuv premium and subscribe to comments plugin.   As you may recall the reason for the change was because I received a significant number of complaints from people who said that they had difficulty using Livefyre to comment here.

I haven’t noticed a significant change in the number of comments received since then. I suppose that one could argue that people who really wished to comment did so in spite of any difficulties they may or may not have had. It appears to me that in somce cases there may be less conversation on posts than there was when I was using Livefyre.

Since I haven’t taken the time to conduct a hard analysis using real numbers this may or may not be accurate and for now I am ok with that. But I  am interested in getting your thoughts and opinion about this. Please share them in the comments.

Also, if you haven’t been by recently here is a quick snapshot of recent posts:

And if that is not enough you can also try reading:

But wait, there is more! Take a look at this video, it is kind of fun.

Bloggers Are Narcissists

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Hippo Yawn

It is generally considered bad form to use your spoon to fling hors d’oeuvres at the other guests, even if the hors d’oeuvres in question is covered with a sticky sauce that would make a great Rorschach pattern on a white top. Nor are you allowed to intentionally bump into someone in the hopes that they will spill red wine on said top. Sadly defenestration isn’t even on the list of options but one day I hope to change that.

Two weeks ago at Back To School Night I heard a woman say, “Bloggers are among the biggest narcissists I have ever met.” She is one of the mean moms at the kids’ school and is part of a small group of women who can take pride in raising mean girls. After all these are the sort of accomplishments that we parents work hard to achieve.

Really, one day we all hope to say raise a glass and say that our daughters have become a bigger bitch than their mother. Note to self, if you ever hear anyone say that about your daughter you need to slap people silly, start with yourself.

School Politics

Back to School Night is a cross between a parent social and a dog and pony show for the school. I like it for the same reasons that most people do. It is important to me to go meet the teachers and learn about how their classrooms work. It makes it much easier for me to help my children when I know something about what their teachers expect from them.

And I like the parent social. I have friends there and after a summer away it is good to catch up with them. What I don’t like are the politics and the game playing. They irritate me and remind me there are more than a few reasons why I don’t think I would ever be elected to public office. It is not just because I inhaled or because I make fun of the Tea Party and OccupyWallStreet crowds. Nor is it because I can be exceptionally snotty and drown people in information about the political process and Constitutional law.

“Are you coaching soccer this year Jack?” I nodded my head and asked if he was. “I am. We have a really good team this year, I think we’ll be undefeated.”  That is the kind of talk that makes me laugh. I probably shouldn’t have responded but the surgery to remove the filters from my mouth was successful. “I have always wanted to be the coach of an undefeated team of eight year-old girls.”

He moved on to speak with someone else and I got to listen to others share their thoughts about what the school should do and how they should do it. Good times. I probably would have enjoyed it more if the people involved were interested in having a discussion and not a soliloquy.

Are You Talking To Me?

If I suffered from bouts of paranoia I might have assumed that the comment about bloggers being narcissists was aimed at me. It did come from the wife of the undefeated soccer team and we did have a misunderstanding last year.  Really I could write one hell of a post about being targeted by the mean girl collective.

It would give me a good excuse to tell you about how I told one of the husbands that I am not intimidated by a “lick it around the edges girl” and her husband “ride me Sheldon.” But as you can see I don’t need an excuse to work that into the story nor do I need to fabricate a reason to tell you that he told me that some people are fucked and others are fuckers. If I did I would have to relate the entire tale of my snottiness including the part where I told him that I don’t engage in pissing contests with men who don’t wear an extra large condom.

Sadly that has to be among the worst insults I have ever been given the opportunity to use. Really, it is embarrassing and I should strike that from the public record.

In Conclusion

I don’t think that this woman was talking about me or that she knows about any of my blogs. If anything it was just coincidental that I heard her say that about bloggers.  It is important to me to clarify that I really like the school that my kids go to. It has been fantastic and among the greatest gifts that we can give them. Life can take a lot of things from you but it can’t take your education.

The majority of the people, staff and faculty are simply wonderful and I am grateful for all that they have done for my children.

He Didn’t Die

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Old Jewish Cemetery, Vienna

They took him off of life support two days ago and my sister burst into tears. They didn’t take him off so that he could die a natural death but because his body had regained enough strength to breathe on its own again. Granted he still wore a mask that pumped additional oxygen into his body but we no longer wondered if his body would quit on him.

His parents celebrated and I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that my sister wasn’t going to become a widow and my five year-old nephew still had a father. There is still a long road ahead of him and recovery will take some time but recovery is better than death.

And it wasn’t until Sunday evening that I realized how tense I was. I had gone into big brother/Uncle/Father mode and had spent my energies doing things that would help my sister and nephew. If you want to have fun have a five-year-old boy cry on your shoulder because he hasn’t seen daddy in a week and is worried that he is going to die.

Five year-olds aren’t known for rational thought and the last time he had seen daddy was in the E.R. Mind you that my sister and BIL had no idea that things would go the way that they did. I picked up my nephew from the E.R. and told him that I was sure that daddy would be ok.

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It reminded me a little bit of when my son asked me not to die. That post helped me become a blogger. It wasn’t the only thing that did it but it had a big influence on me. Some people might find it morbid but I have spent a lot of time talking about death on my blogs. I shared when my parents purchased cemetery plots and wrote about the deaths of my grandparents and friend.

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I like to use videos in my posts but I get a little frustrated when the videos are removed. I wrote a post called Call Me Springsteen in which I embedded three different songs and just discovered that every video has been removed. It reminds me that I want to clean this place up. I think that blog is in need of some renovation. I want to fix things so that the layout in my series works and looks better. This isn’t bad but it is not great either.

If you want to make people laugh blog about flatulence in elevators– it is good for a chuckle.

There is far more to be said, my story certainly isn’t done but it is 2 am and sleep beckons. If you are among the new readers I do hope that you will become a part of the community. Read, enjoy and comment. And now for a message from our sponsors. This was part of the Just Write project. I strongly urge you to consider participating. It is great fun and a good way to meet other writers.

How To Write The Perfect Blog Post

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You can assign blame to Erin for leading me to read the post called Why Crazy People Make Better Bloggers and you can blame Lori for asking Do You Dare To Disagree?

And while we are out assigning blame you attribute my writing this post at 1:30 AM to the extra large cup of coffee that I drank at 9 P.M. Damn if I didn’t forget that I am not a junior whose classes don’t begin until noon. It is not going to feel good in the morning and it is not because I have been imbibing anything harder than the coffee dispensed by my Keurig.

Tell me dear reader, do you really believe that you can write the perfect blog post? Or maybe the question is do you think that I can tell you how to write the perfect blog post?

The Answer Is

The answer is that I most certainly can. I can tell you how to write the perfect blog post in a variety of niches. I can tell you how to write the perfect blog post for business bloggers and how to write the perfect blog post for dad bloggers. It is not complicated But before I do I am going to address a few loose ends from here and there.

I read that Forbes post about why crazy people make better bloggers and watched my eyes narrow and that vein in my forehead pop out. You know the one I am talking about, it is a clear sign that I am irritated with someone or something. And as you know if you see that in conjunction with my fists flexing it is probably wise to leave me alone.

You don’t need to be crazy to be interesting. You don’t need to have a terminal illness, lost a child, written a book, suffer from PPD or any one of those things to write an interesting blog. You don’t need to be a tortured soul or be in the midst of emotional turmoil of any sort. Fact is that you can be one happy bloke and write the hell out of a blog post.

The key is to let go and just write. Put pen to paper and finger to keyboard and let go. Write, write, write, write and write some more. More on this in a few.

I Disagree All The Damn Time

Lori’s post made me jump up and down a little bit. I suppose it is because I have a hard time understanding why people can’t just disagree with each other without fear. It just drives me nuts. Maybe it is because I am the cranky dad but I disagree with people on a regular basis. I don’t need the world to agree with me. Don’t have to have everyone tell old Jack that he is the smartest person ever. That would be inaccurate and it would suck. BTW, that is not me being self deprecating- just honest.  If the Shmata Queen were here I’d look her in eye and tell her that I am smarter and better educated than most people I meet, especially clevelanders.

The critical thing that is left out of that last sentence is this: Intelligence and education are tools that are only as good as the person using them.

But let’s circle back to the disagreements. Today my son complained about the group projects that he has to do in school. He is irritated because some of the kids can’t seem to get along with each other and he doesn’t want his grade to suffer. I told him that this is good experience for life and that they all need to figure out how to set aside their differences so that they can get their work done.

And then I told him that we don’t need or want a world where we all have the same opinion. We waste too much time trying to get our opinions validated by others. Just stop it.

BTW, Lori wrote a book called The Happy Place. You should take a moment to check it out and see if it resonates with you.

I Am A Writer- Read My Book

That last subhead isn’t written for you but for me. I wrote it because it is what I am- a writer. I have at least 987 books locked inside my head and haven’t published a single one of them yet. That is a serious mistake that I am going to rectify sooner than later. Marcus put together a review of a product that is supposed to make writing an eBook easy but I am having one hell of a time making it work. I like including that in a post where I talk about how smart I am. It reminds me of the Far Side cartoon of the guy who tries to open a door that says push by pulling on it.

Anyway, I promised to teach you the secret of how to write the perfect blog post for any niche. Are you ready? Really? Be certain to move your chairs in closer because I don’t feel like yelling now.

The perfect blog post is written by removing fear, opening your heart and allowing that which hides in the darker corners to see daylight. Yes, it is that simple and that goofy. You see the problem with perfection is that you won’t ever get everyone to agree on what perfection is. The best you can hope for is to gain a majority opinion and when your objective relies upon the subjective it is just not going to happen.

So the real goal here isn’t to try and convince the reader that they have just read the best post that anyone has ever written. The goal is for you to feel like you just wrote the best post you have ever written. The goal is to write a post that makes you feel like your heart was just ripped out of your chest and you can’t breathe. The goal is to write a post that is the essence of you and what you are about. If you feel naked, vulnerable and scared then you just might have something.

Dare to disagree or dare to call me crazy. I wonder if you realize how much blog fodder lies here in this post just begging for someone to talk and or write about it.  I suppose that time will tell. What do you think?