Archives for February 2012

“You can’t reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.”
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court

That quote doesn’t really belong here. It is intended for a different post on a different blog for a man leading a different life than I am. That man isn’t imitating Atlas. He doesn’t spend any time wondering if he is doing the right thing because he has’t any responsibilities.

Unfortunately I am not that man any longer and I am indeed expending copious amounts of energy regarding thoughts, actions and deeds. That is because at the moment I am the guilty father who is concerned that his children are having a harder time because of his actions.

I tell them not to worry and this this too shall pass but they don’t quite accept that to be truth. Who can blame them. They are mine and we are a cautious lot who ask questions about many things. But I have the advantage of age and life experience that I use to see through the fog, brush and brambles.

It is part of how I know that the crap that we are working through won’t be around forever. But these children of mine don’t have that life experience. They haven’t lived as I have and as a result their hearts ache and their minds work overtime with wonder about what is going to happen.

We do our best to sit them down and assure them that the fundamentals are covered. They have food, clothing and shelter and they are well loved. They have so much love it is immeasurable but were it possible to gauge it would no doubt make the ocean look like a puddle.

So I find myself reading an old post called Guilt and find pieces of it calling out to me.

I convince myself that the good intentions gone wrong are not worthy of recognition and that the guilt is unnecessary, a burden best left behind. But some things are easier said than done and I find myself carrying a load that isn’t worth the worry or work. Or so I tell myself and then I look in the mirror and think in silence that it is one thing to fool others and another to fool ourselves.

So I carry the failures of the past and do my best to learn from them. I work hard to accept that some things are outside of my control and that I must relax and be patient. It is not easy and sometimes I feel bitter. There are silent screams that are left untended to. They lay in a garden gone fallow where insecurity and doubt are allowed to fester. Untapped potential is no different than unfulfilled potential. Life lived as what could have been is no better than what might never have happened.

Doubt and distrust lead to disorder. The dun and the din are as restless as the yin and the yang. Meaningless gibberish surrounded by the cling and the clang of the bell that reminds me that I can never recapture the time that has been lost.

There are two choices to be had, do or do not. Yoda was right and so I am filled with more guilt by what I haven’t done than satisfaction with what I have. The time of doubt and uncertainty is at hand and the choice is given to me. Let guilt win or fight back. So I choose to fight because that is what I do best. I fight

I fight and I fight and I fight some more. My preference is to lay down my sword and use diplomatic means but sometimes that is not an option. There is no doubt in my mind that this moment in time will pass and that one day we will all look back upon it but my job is to protect them. My job is to help them through these moments and if I could I wrap them up in bubble wrap and they wouldn’t suffer, nick, scrapes or bruises.

However, I can’t do that. In part because it is not possible and in part because my job is to teach them how to deal with life. I won’t be the father of children who can’t deal with adversity. It is unacceptable and it won’t happen.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel badly or that I don’t feel every nick, scrape and bruise they receive. I remind myself that it is not all my fault. This is part of the reason that I am a dad blogger. It is to record these thoughts so that one day they can see that dad dealt with a few things and got through them. And it is to record these thoughts so that I can see more clearly what is happening.

Writing is cathartic and it provides clarity- but it still doesn’t help us travel to the future so I guess we are going to have to keep on walking through this forest until we reach the end.

I sat and listened as she told me that she doesn’t want to break his heart. She thinks that he is a nice boy and that it is unfair that this kind of thing has to happen.

I nodded my head and took her hand in mine. She looked up at me and asked it ever gets easier and I sighed…deeply. It is unfair but no one ever promised that life would always be fair so sometimes you just have to suck it up and move on.

Move on is exactly what I wanted to do but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because she wanted an answer and I didn’t want to give her the wrong one. So I looked her in the eye and told her to listen very carefully.

“Seven year-old girls do not have boy friends. You have friends who are boys.”

She glared at me and said that I was wrong. I shook my head and told her that I wouldn’t relent. “Daddy, he asked me to be his girlfriend.”

I told her that I didn’t care. “You are too young to date. You are supposed to be having fun now. Besides, didn’t you tell me that Jimmy asked Cathy to be his girlfriend too?”

She nodded her head and told me that Jimmy has asked almost every girl in their class to be his girlfriend. “One day you aren’t going to want to share your boyfriends with your friends.”

“Daddy, friends are supposed to share.”

“Not like that they aren’t. You can start dating when you are 117.”

She giggled and told me that I told her that she could have a baby when she is 49 and has finished medical school. “Daddy, if I can have a baby at 49 then I should be able to have a boyfriend then too.”

“Ok, you can have a boyfriend when you are 49.”

Thirty seconds later she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me on both sides of my face. As she ran off to play I knew that she was thinking that she has me wrapped around her finger. Well, let her think that all she wants because when it comes to boys and her it simply isn’t true.

*****

For those of you who are wondering I know that there is nothing hinky going on and that they are just playing. If you ask my daughter what it means to have a boyfriend she can’t give you an answer that extends beyond you spend time with them and sometimes you kiss them on the lips. I can live with that. She has already told me that she thinks kissing a boy now would be gross.

As my Israeli friends have said many times, “Ani lo frier.” I am not a sucker and I am not stupid. The day will come when she will want to kiss boys and then some. I am in no rush to make or see that happen.

But that doesn’t mean that I am not building a foundation for her. She is going to grow up knowing that her happiness is contingent upon herself. Her sense of self worth and self esteem isn’t based on what boys think of her.

*****

In many ways that discussion felt surreal and I have this feeling that when she really is old enough I am going to look at her and remember this moment. That might not be so good for the boys. If all goes according to plan when I meet them it will be in my study. I’ll show them a picture of the desert and casually mention that I own that piece of property, a gun and a shovel.

And then that girl of mine will kill me. Not literally of course but I probably shouldn’t do the old desert, shovel and gun bit with them.  Sigh, these kids of ours grow up far too quickly.