Archives for September 2013

We’re mere moments away from Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year and my head is swimming in thoughts many of which I cannot share here.

Cannot share because there are boundaries in blogging but I can’t quite ignore these thoughts either. Can’t stuff them into a box so I’ll say today I learned friends lost both of their parents at once.

So I’ll share a multitude of things here and you’ll have to decide if you wish to wade through it all.

How Often Do You Really Face Your Fears?

Sometimes my children ask me what I fear because they’re truly curious what makes their father’s heart pound. They say they know what I look like when I am happy, sad and or angry but they are not sure what fear looks like upon my face.

I learned a long time to ago to hide it. Learned long before I was a grown up because I thought being fearless was part of being a man and that was what I wanted to become.

There are things I fear some fall into the category of possible and others into improbable. Sometimes I have sought them out, gone looking for them so that I could understand them better and remove them of their power.

And later I have thought about the experience, replayed it in my mind and contemplated whether it served its purpose, asked if it did the trick.

Alone in the dark I have stood under the moonlight and thought about how much to share with the children, tried to discern how much truth would help them and how much might hinder.

There are benefits to being seen as human and benefits to being seen as superman.

In The Synagogue We’ll Sit

The New Year comes and I start to prepare for it by thinking about my life, all that I have done, all that I have tried to do and what I have accomplished.

Thought about whether I am the man I want to be, if the I am the person, the father I want to be. In the synagogue we’ll sit and the community will join together in saying prayers like Unetaneh Tokef and sections of it will grab me as they always do.

“On Rosh Hashanah will be inscribed and on Yom Kippur will be sealed how many will pass from the earth and how many will be created; who will live and who will die; who will die at his predestined time and who before his time; who by water and who by fire, who by sword, who by beast, who by famine, who by thirst, who by storm, who by plague, who by strangulation, and who by stoning. Who will rest and who will wander, who will live in harmony and who will be harried, who will enjoy tranquility and who will suffer, who will be impoverished and who will be enriched, who will be degraded and who will be exalted.”

Sometimes I’ll look around the try to figure out if people mean what they say or are just saying the words. If you don’t understand the Hebrew you might miss things.

I’ll sit there and wonder how many are in shul because they fear not showing up and how many do it because it is something to do.

And I’ll think about why I am there and what I want for my children and think about whether the things we do are helping those goals or hindering them.

Shine A Light On The Dark Corners

Every year I try to shine a light on the dark corners of my mind. Every I think about what is happening around me and ask myself if I am doing anything to make it better.

And I’ll wonder about how often fear drives our decisions and then I’ll give a wistful smile because the more things change the more they stay the same.

All the while I’ll not forget that I am enjoying the opportunity to be introspective while friends are are mourning and asking very different questions.

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

Ulysses, Lord Alfred Tennyson.

“Have you ever noticed that the people who work in Las Vegas are some of the saddest looking people you’ll ever see?”

Dad wasn’t trying to be snarky, critical or sarcastic. It was an observation he shared with me but at the time I am not sure I really understood it.

He had just returned from attending a trade show and we were catching up on life. I was 24 or 25 and living in my first apartment and Vegas wasn’t anything in my eyes but a good time.

During college the boys and I sometimes would do turn around trips. Four or five of us would hop in a car and five hours later find a room on the strip.  Gas was less than a buck and during the week you could find a room for about $50 bucks a night, split it all four ways and it was cheap.

Memories

Most of the time the room really wasn’t for sleeping. It was a place to grab a shower and to bullshit with each other about the women we were certain to meet and or pickup.

I remember a few quiet moments inside the room, away from the bells and whistles where I’d enjoy the quiet and think about how good life was. It was fun and all I could see was us on some sort of golden road upon which we would just keep going.

It was before the funerals, divorces and darker days that life would share with us. Nobody talked about how their wives had stopped sleeping with them because she was angry about something that he couldn’t figure out because they didn’t talk anymore.

Nah, back then if the fellas talked about the woman who they would eventually marry you’d get a wink a smile about how she was wearing him out in a good way, the best way.

The mix of guys wasn’t always the same. Sometimes there would be some of the guys who had gone off to Iraq but it was talked about differently then.

They had flown in and rolled right over Saddam and his crew. Kicked their asses, beat them down and made them submit because it was the right thing to do and no one questioned it.

It was a different time.

The Cold War was over, the Berlin Wall had fallen down and we knew that we were on the golden road to fame and fortune.

Ten Days In Las Vegas

Five or so years later I am in Vegas again but it is different this time.

I am not with the boys because I am here for a trade show. My wife is back home and I am staring out the hotel window looking at the lights.

In the time that has passed some of the guys have gotten married and divorced and a few have died. Didn’t die in accidents but from terminal illnesses that came from nowhere and took them from us just as quickly.

Hasn’t been that long since ‘D’ died and I haven’t begun writing posts about him but enough has changed that I have changed. Life experience has begun to influence my perspective and ideas.

And because my eyes have been opened I see things differently. Now I see what was my dad was talking about but I don’t quite understand it in the way that I will in a few years.

That is because I don’t have children yet so I don’t understand how dramatic the change is and how you focus your attention on trying to provide and care for them. When you become a parent you learn about love in a way you never knew before.

Was it A Year Or A Day?

More time has passed and it is easy to ask if it was only a year or a day. I am a father now and my children have experienced the entire cycle of life with me.

They have been to weddings and funerals, experienced the joy of welcoming babies to the world and have seen more than they know. We have talked about life, the excuses we make and lessons for being human.

They know that life doesn’t have to make sense and that some crazy things happen. I think they have seen and experienced more than I had at their age.

I think they have lived more than I did but that isn’t a bad thing. I am not saying their innocence has been shattered or stolen because it is not accurate.

Because I also know they have seen that hard times don’t last and that when you work hard good things come to you. They have seen when you persevere things turn and that has proven to them that opportunity is always there.

And that makes me happier than I can say.