Archives for 2014

If that wacky woman the inimitable Shmata Queen were watching me write this I’d tell her I have a plan for dealing with those ships in the picture.

And if she asked me to spell it out I’d tell her I needed a couple of billion to secure my own fleet of battleships and that once I had I would officially become the Dread Pirate Roberts.

I’d put on my mask, board Revenge and become the scourge of the oceans but sadly there is one major kink in my plan.

I don’t have a couple billion.

Hell I barely have two bits right now but I just came from a party where I saw people who have known me for a good thirty years or so. A place where the guys and I laughed about things that happened a thousand years ago and told enhanced versions of tales we all know because we lived them together.

And then we talked about the stuff that is going on now and some of us shared some heartbreaking stuff because for a moment we were those guys who you could rely upon to just listen and prop each other up.

For a moment we stopped the clock long enough to pull ourselves out of our bubbles and to share our lives with people who care. And when you have that, when you spend a few minutes with people who knew you when and believe that when extends into now you remember that it can and you figure why not.

 The Night Before Thanksgiving

Sometimes we need to spend moments with people who know us as we were as well as how we are. Not because we need to get lost in time and remember days of glory but because they push us to enjoying the present more.

They help connect who we were into who we are and somewhere in that we recapture some magic, self confidence and belief in taking possibility and creating opportunity.

That is what happened to me tonight.

The guys gave me a lift when I needed it most.

Unselfishly and unexpectedly they did so and I remembered that I can find a way to make it happen. If I want that $2 billion I can find the way. I can create the opportunity.

Some people might scoff and ask me to prove that I can come up with the $2 billion but that is not important to me. I don’t need to prove to them that I am clever, resourceful or lucky.

I only need to prove to myself that I can. I only need to prove to myself that I can be the guy I have always wanted to be.

That is what the lift was about. That is what the storm is about.

I am not who I was and I will never be again but I am good with that.

If I never grew or evolved that would be sad but that is not something I have to worry about.

I entered the night before Thanksgiving feeling bitter and angry and ended it feeling optimistic and joyful.

And that is the sort of gift everyone should be given.

My Facebook feed is filled with people screaming at each other but no one is listening to what the other guy is yelling about so it feels more a steel cage wrestling match than a conversation.

I know why they are yelling. I understand much if not most of the various sides but this time around I am not wading into the middle of the muck because I don’t have the bandwidth to fight with people who haven’t any interest in listening to opinions that differ from their own.

There is no upside to that. I haven’t any interest proving that I can yell louder and longer. There are no rewards for such a thing so for now I’ll sit back and wait.

Besides I am too busy fighting the dragons that live in my world to look away for very long. Fighting is the one thing I have always been good at. It is easy to be a scrapper, to be the guy that does more than give as good I get.

The young man I used to be kind of got off on that but the wiser, more mature fellow asks what it has done for me and shakes his head.

I am thinking about fear and pride again. Thinking about how they influence me and how they influence you.

Thinking about how when people let fear push them into action they don’t always make smart choices. Thinking about how I use the blog to try and name my fear so that I can pull it out of the shadows and confront it.

Yet my fear is no less frightening in the daylight than in the dark.

Pride pushes me to find a way to prove I have beaten it down and pushed it into a box from which it can’t escape but that doesn’t always work out the way I might hope for.

Sometimes I hear the demons rattling their chains and howling. Sometimes I hear them find a way free of their fetters but I don’t always race down the stairs to recapture them.

I don’t always do the noble thing because fear overcomes me and I feel diminished, less of a man.

And then pride finds a way to stop licking his wounds and raises his head.

“Are you going to be like that guy in the Lightfoot song, ‘A Ghost You Can’t See’ or are you going to show them all you are man.”

Part of me wants to pull that guy out of his grave and ask him what he would have done without money, opportunity and luck.

Part of me dares him to tell me that he didn’t benefit from good timing and good fortune.

But I am not really interested in debating with him how, what or why led him to his position because it doesn’t really matter. It is not my real focus.

I am more interested in figuring out how many times the sun has risen and set since I was born. More interested in laying it out so that I can measure my performance against some sort of benchmark that lives only inside my head.

The numbers push me back to what Jobs said and I nod my head because it is a mistake for me to focus upon him as a high powered CEO who had enough money to do whatever he wanted to.

That is an excuse. It is a reason not to pay attention to the message in those words that I am meant to see.

I am supposed to follow my gut. I am supposed to follow my heart and not worry about it because in this situation it is just right.

Life is too short to spend our time making excuses for why we aren’t putting all we can into living the kind of life we really want to live.

I am tired of hearing about the holidays and have limited interested in all the assorted chaos and confusion.

Don’t feel like listening to people tell me about a fake war on Christmas or be told about how I just don’t get it because I am a White Male.

Don’t feel like telling you why that is all nonsense and how much I dislike the foolish conversation about White Male privilege because I don’t buy into most of what people are selling there.

If you talk to me about class warfare and the economic advantages/disadvantages people have I’ll engage with you because I see that as a huge issue.

Black Friday Bores Me

I tend to wish people Happy Holidays because I am interested in being more inclusive. As a child this time of year always made it clear to me I was part of a minority group.

Can’t tell you how many times I told other kids I didn’t celebrate Christmas and that I wasn’t bothered by it because Chanukah was enough for me.

My folks always made a point to make sure we were proud of who we were and that the world was big enough for people to have different beliefs. I have taught my kids the same. Always happy to spend time at my friends’ homes helping to decorate their trees but you’ll never find one in my home because it is not my holiday.

Black Friday bores me because my self worth isn’t built upon how much I have. Don’t need to have the best clothes or car to feel good about me. Don’t have to have the latest gadgets and gizmos to make my kids feel good or to prove I am a success.

It doesn’t just bore me, it disturbs me to see how we fill the heads of people with this idea that mass consumption of products has more meaning than I give it credit for.

Some people have suggested that if I had more disposable income I would feel differently but I am not convinced because I have had more. I have been in the position where I could play a little and buy what I wanted and didn’t need.

Need versus want is something I have spent hours thinking about. It is of paramount importance to me because when you understand the difference you can build a road map to get those things.

And when you have what you need and can think about what you want life is pretty damn good.

What Is Important In Your Life

I didn’t add punctuation to that subhead intentionally because I didn’t feel like it. I am too tired to add the question mark that is supposed to help encourage you to engage with me in the comments.

Doesn’t mean you are not invited to comment or share your thoughts, just means I am tired and cranky.

But if you asked me to come up with a list of things I want most of them aren’t going to be found on a your standard Black Friday list.

In the 42 months or so since I sold my house I have moved about five, maybe six times, depends on how you count.  I am ready to move somewhere and be there for a while.

Ready to really unpack, not just my stuff but my mind. Ready to look at a place and say this is going to be home for a while. Been a long time since I had that feeling.

Touched upon it a few times, but haven’t really had it the way I want for a long while.

So my real Black Friday wish is for a home and if I got it I might as well add a few things to it. Include a great space for writing, a place to read and a spot that is just mine.

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Add a home gym to the list and include a regular gym because it is good to get out of the house.

Include a private chef, personal trainer and a private jet to that crazy list and I might even call it complete.

But if I never get those things I’ll live just fine provided I bear in mind that much of what I need/want are things that fill mind/body and soul. As hokey as that may sound that is the crux of it.

I am looking to do/get the stuff that keeps my mind sharp and makes my body work as it should. If I am going to walk upon the earth I might as well try to do it in peak condition.

Might not have it today, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tomorrow.

Better to have a mind that works at top speed and a body that has fewer aches than a new TV, computer and assorted doo dads.

How about you?