Archives for January 2015

The Greatest Dad Blogger You Never Heard Of

January 23, 2015 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

Somewhere in the almost 10,000 posts on this blog is one that talks about how I taught Frank Sinatra how to sing.

And maybe if you look hard enough you’ll find one where it says I taught Michael Jordan how to play basketball, Babe Ruth how to play baseball and William Shakespeare how to write.

Maybe you’ll find something in there that talks about how I taught Einstein math and Newton science.

None of these things are true but maybe one of my kids will grow up and become the next Steve Jobs, Bill Gates or some other legendary figure.

And if that happens, well then I’ll be able to say I helped change the world in a major and profound way.

But if none of that is true and none of my kids cure cancer, solve global warming or do something so big the world has to stop and notice I’ll be ok.

The Greatest Dad Blogger You Never Heard Of

Last week a relative asked me how long I have been blogging and why they haven’t heard of me. I told them I have been doing it for more than a decade and that Jack isn’t my real name.

They asked why and I told them how it all began and explained I have been semi anonymous for years now. It is not really a secret but then again I have built a ‘brand’ so I didn’t want to destroy it.

When they asked me if I was concerned about missed opportunities I sort of shrugged my shoulders. Life is a series of missed opportunities.

There are the women I didn’t date or marry, the houses I didn’t buy and the jobs I didn’t take.

Add the flights I chose not to take, the buses I didn’t board and the classes I chose to skip.

But I don’t look at life that way because that is far too negative. Doesn’t mean there aren’t moments where I have been frustrated or upset because I wonder what would have happened if I had gone left than right but most days it is not an issue.

Think about the legends I mentioned above and ask yourself who taught them to do whatever it is they are famous for.

Can you name them?

Do you have a clue as to who they might be or have been?

Should you know their names? Does it matter?

I don’t have an answer for you because I think it depends on why you want to know or why you think people should know.

If people said I was the greatest dad blogger they never heard of I would shrug my shoulders and say ‘so what’ because without more context the comment lacks meaning and substance.

The Desire To Be Remarkable

Yet I would concede I have a desire to be remarkable because I have a dream to turn this writing into something more than I have.

Writing is what I do for a living, but not in this format and in a perfect world that is what would happen.

I’d write these throwaway posts and comments about this and that and get paid for it.

Maybe that would happen if more people knew of my work and read these words.

Sometimes I think about how I teach my children to figure out what they really want so they can build a road map to get whatever it is.

And when I go down that road I ask myself if I am listening to my own advice and wonder if maybe I need to work harder on putting together a portfolio of posts that does a better job of showcasing my skill.

The hard part there is trying to figure out what posts those would be. Would I take some or all of those that are listed here or would I grab more recent stuff.

Maybe it would be fine to just grab the last five or so and list them like this:

Hell, I know a couple of those are good because people keep talking about them. I know some of those are good because I often dislike my work and I don’t dislike them.

Yet if I have learned anything from blogging and from real life work it is that people are funny and you can’t always predict what they will like.

Some of the posts that people have told me they love are the same ones that have been pointed as junk by others.

There is no accounting for taste.

This Is Why Joy Matters

This is why joy matters to me or more clearly this is why I tell people the secret to success in blogging is having fun.

Placing words upon paper makes me crazy but it brings me joy and that is what keeps me coming back time and time again.

It is something I look for in the masters of different activities. I want to know if they feel joy when they do whatever it is they are known for.

I think about it in relationship to my kids and their careers too. They are still years from having to work for a living but I wonder if they will find something that brings them joy and enough cash to live as they want to live.

If being the greatest dad blogger you never heard of puts me in a position to do the things I want to do and live as I want to live than I am good with that.

I don’t have to operate from a definition of remarkable that encompasses notoriety and fame. There are multiple paths and ways to obtain it.

That is something I want my kids to understand too.

And if you ask me if I care about who taught all those legends to do whatever it is they do I will say I am curious because I don’t just telling stories but because I like hearing and reading them too.

Do We Need To Shout ‘Help Me!’

January 23, 2015 by Jack Steiner 5 Comments

The so called blogging experts tell me that I am doing this wrong. I don’t spend enough time working on my headlines or try hard enough to fill my posts with the perfect mix of SEO laden content. I post too frequently and don’t focus on any one topic.

The words you read here are filled too frequently with the sad, simpering sounds of unhappiness and people don’t like that. Nor do they like it when I fill my screen with kind of light-hearted goofy insouciance that makes some people guffaw and others grumble. I am not supposed to write about religion because I offend too many people when I say Happy Holidays or pepper my posts with Jewish jargon.

And let’s not forget that the political posts that populated this place infuriated so many. The blogging experts didn’t like that. Hated when I excoriated Palin and asked how I could support Bush. Railed at me for saying that Obama’s foreign policy made me crazy and asked how I could praise him for popping Bin Laden.

No can we forget the wacky people who wander in and try to post 1,987 comments accusing me of barbarism for supporting circumcision. Did I mention that I was called juvenile for telling them that foreskin doesn’t protect the penis from an errant tooth.

If you have made it this far than it is probably clear to you that I am a cranky, crotchety curmudgeon who might be in need of a vacation. Actually I just threw in cranky, crotchety curmudgeon because I like the sound of it. Blame it on the Lewis Black bit I am listening to right now. It is one of my favorites.

*******

Sometimes I step away from the blogosphere because the noise begins to grate on me. It is the sound of 1,987,748 posts about how to be a better blogger, 392,283,322 about PR, 567,789 on how to use blogs for SMBs and of course a billion on children. The problem is that sometimes it feels to me like all I hear is broadcasting- there is no back and forth.

And sometimes when there is the back and forth between blogger and community it is nothing but inside jokes. That is cool. I get it, understand it and appreciate it but sometimes I still feel like I am on the outside looking in.

So I step back and disconnect. I take a deep breath and look around the world. I am no different than most of you. My life is moving a million miles a minute and in order to maintain my sanity I just need to slow down and breathe.

*******

Yesterday I saw something that has stuck with me. I walked out of the Target on Sepulveda and saw a man lying on his back. Another man stood over him waving his arms wildly and yelling, but I don’t know what he was saying. The six lanes of traffic between us drowned out his words and made it impossible for me to tell if he was happy, sad or angry.

He looked like he had been on the street for a while as did the man who lay just in front of him. I was in a rush but for a moment I stared hard at the man who was on his back and tried to determine if he was ok.

I watched three kids walk by him and measured their reactions. They didn’t react in any way other than to walk around him. I decided that the guy who lay on the sidewalk was ok and that this was simply where he had chosen to rest. It wouldn’t be the first time that the sidewalk had been used like that and probably not the last.

So I got in my car and drove off to take care of other errands. But all night long and most of today I have felt conflicted about it. Have I grown so accustomed to seeing homeless people that I no longer am shocked or disturbed by it. And I wondered if maybe the man who was standing was yelling Help Me.

*******

My daughter asked me what I thought our lives would be like when I turn 50 and I laughed. I said differen and she asked for a better description. It is a solid eight years away which in some respects is far too close for comfort. I am not nearly old enough to think of 50 as being anything but old. Yet I realize that it doesn’t sound as old it used to.

She looked up at me expectantly and I told her that when I am 50 her brother will be in college and she’ll be a high school girl. She smiled broadly and I asked her to stop growing up so quickly. She smiled again and said even when I am big I’ll still be daddy’s girl.

All I could do was hug her and smile. The little things in life sometimes have the biggest impact.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. This post first ran in June 2011 but the comments about blogging and the blogosphere are still applicable.

People still look at homeless people as if they are a natural part of the scenery and I wonder if we have become desensitized to their presence.

It is an uncomfortable feeling. I don’t have perfect answers to that or to many questions I think about but I like to believe I am someone who would try and fail than fail to try.

See you in the comments.

Be Present Where You Are

January 22, 2015 by Jack Steiner 9 Comments

W hen you are 14 and you feel like you are invisible when you want to be seen and glowing when you want to be invisible the world can seem like a harsh mistress.

I know because I remember and I know because my 14 year-old and I have discussed it.

There are girls in school who tease him. I tell him it sounds like one or more of them like him and he is outraged because he says it makes no sense.

Some of the boys do things that make him shake his head and he asks me to explain and I shrug my shoulders.

“Sometimes there is no explanation for why people do the things we do. Sometimes we just act.”

He shakes his head and tells me that he doesn’t like my answer and I tell him to get used to it because people don’t act based on logic or reason.

Sometimes we just act.

Be Present Where You Are

We are standing in the middle of a room filled with people but we only know a handful of them.

My son looks at me and says he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know anyone. I tell him I understand what it is like to be shy and he laughs.

“You can talk to anyone. You have no trouble at all.”

I smile and tell him it is not true. There are many times where I prefer to sit in the corner and watch people. Many times where I would choose not to talk but sometimes you have to be present where you are.

“What does that mean?”

“It means you get more out of life by being an active participant wherever you are. It means sometimes when you don’t feel like talking you put yourself out there, you talk, you take risks and you take chances.”

“I don’t feel comfortable with that. I am not you.”

“You need to be you. I don’t want you to be a clone of me but I can promise you some of what I do is self taught. I decided I wanted to get more and I couldn’t do it unless I took a chance on getting hurt and or falling down.”

I understand these feelings better than he knows because there are moments where I still feel exactly what he describes.

Moments where I wonder how I can be in Â my mid forties and feel like I am the guy standing on the outside trying to figure out that thing everyone else seems to know.

And then there are those moments where I say ‘fuck it’ and just do/say whatever I feel like. They come more frequently than they ever did as a kid because I pushed to obtain that comfort.

Because I worked on teaching myself to be present wherever I am.

Truth is I can fit in anywhere. I can live anywhere and find joy anywhere but it is because I learned how to take those risks.

Part of it is because life humbled me. It beat me to my knees and made me ask why, how and what did I do.

But pride/ego and determination not to be beaten helped me stand again and so did my kids. What kind of father would I be if I gave up when things got tough.

I want my children to do as Camus says, to live to the point of tears.

The Center Of The Tootsie Pop

When I was a kid there was a commercial in which an owl answered the question about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

The answer was something like two, meaning that it tasted so good you couldn’t help but bite it so you would get to the center sooner than waiting.

I told my son about that and explained that I didn’t become who I am over night. I didn’t bite the Tootsie Pop and turn into this man.

I licked and sucked on things for a long time (that sounds bad, doesn’t it) and eventually turned into this guy.

And the man I am now is not who I once was either.

I am not talking about what I look like now. I am talking about who I am now, a few months short of 46 as opposed to 18, 25, 37 or even 40.

There are parts and pieces of my personality that have been here my entire life. There are elements that anyone who has known me would recognize but there are also changes.

Objectives, goals and desires that have only come through time and life experience.

Twenty years ago I wouldn’t have been able to predict what life would like now or who I would be and I am good with that.

I can hear Supertramp singing Take The Long Way Home now and I can’t help but smile because that is what I did and what I am doing.

Some people take two licks and bite and others don’t. Apparently I am in the latter group.

Blaze A Trail

My son looks at me and asks if we have to blaze our own trail or are there easier ways to do it.

I laugh and tell him part of who we are pushes us to blaze our own trail.

“We walk down the beaten and well marked paths but we see something shiny in the distance and we go check it out. Wanderlust is a part and piece of us, you as well. Sometimes you just have to take those extra steps because you can’t not scratch that itch.”

He nods his head and tells me he gets it and I smile.

This kid of mine is going to get where he is going. I don’t know what he is looking for but I know he’ll find it, same as me.

Do You Know How To Ask For Help?

January 20, 2015 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

A wise person knows when to go it alone and when to ask for help.

Twenty some years ago I spent around ninety minutes or so of my day lifting weights and or playing basketball.

I was single and for reasons I can no longer remember decided I wanted 16 inch arms and the ability to bench press more than 300 pounds.

So each day I would hit the gym and run through my routine and push myself to hit these arbitrary goals I had set for myself.

Since I wasn’t gifted with grace but was supplied with lots of natural strength it didn’t take real long to reach a place where I started slinging some serious weight around.

Don’t ask me why, but I remember being particularly proud of being able to curl more than 130 pounds.

One day I was feeling particularly good so I banged out some extra sets and decided to hit the bench without any spotters.

I had heard that NFL players who could pump out several sets of 225 were considered to be serious athletes so I set myself up and started pumping out the reps and then surprised myself by almost dropping the bar on my chest.

Young And Dumb

Since I was afflicted with the dread disease known as young and dumb I didn’t have a spotter and tried to push myself beyond where I normally went.

Exhaustion hit sooner than anticipated which is part of why that bar almost came crashing down upon me.

A smarter man would have asked for help but pride didn’t let me so I lay there on the bench struggling to lift the bar up one more time.

Fortunately one of the men there saw me and ran over to give me a hand so I was able to put the bar back up on the bench and didn’t get hurt.

I was lucky that nothing bad happened.

That sort of thing wouldn’t happen to me in the gym today because I have learned to be far more aware of my limits and to set my pride aside…in the gym.

Do You Know How To Ask For Help?

If you readÂ About Writers & Managing Expectations you know I have a series of stories floating around my head and that I want to move said stories from head to paper.

And if you read Of Fear and Failure you know I am in that in between space people sometimes occupy in life and that I am trying to use this time as a teaching moment for my children.

It is that spot where you know you are growing and changing and that you want to move your life from where it is into a new space that will suit you better.

But sometimes the hard part about those times is that you can’t always see the next rung so you reach blindly into the dark for where you think it is and hope that your fingers wrap around something solid because you’d rather not fall.

It is an exciting moment and one that reminds me a bit of the twenty something monster who could lift all that weight.

That guy didn’t ask for help because he liked figuring it out on his own and figured if he fell he’d just bounce back up.

This morning when I rolled out of bed and tried to shake off the last of the jet lag I realized that as much as I grown and changed in many ways I am still that kid.

Even though the body isn’t the same as it was the mind keeps telling me how much smarter I am than the kid and how much more clever.

Except the thing is, I am still not asking for help so I wonder if I have really learned anything at all.

It Is Like A Sculpture Or Painting

So I stood in the shower and thought about what I am trying to accomplish and decided that I am indeed smarter because I do know how to ask for help.

But sometimes the reason people don’t or at least the reason I haven’t is because I haven’t figured out what kind of help I really need.

I could give you basics. I could tell you that a million dollars would go a long way and it would.

It would solve a number of ‘problems’ and provide some additional ability to work on things that I don’t currently have.

But it wouldn’t necessarily touch the core issues.

It is a bit like a blank canvas or piece of rock that needs to be sculpted.

There is an image in my head that isn’t defined as well as it could be so asking for help is more challenging.

This isn’t a ‘Jack Steiner’ problem/challenge either.

This is a people problem/challenge.

It is a taking the time to determine and identify what you want so that you can figure out what you need to do to get it moment.

Or so I would argue because I would rather be the wise man who knows himself to be a fool than the fool who thinks he wise.

The Best Part About Watching Inappropriate Movies

January 19, 2015 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

When your children gain access to the Netflix password they sometimes discover the unrated version of Anchorman 2.

Your daughter helps demonstrate what a hoot this is by reciting lines from the movie about sexually assaulting starfish and then watches your face because she is dying for you to react.

So you put on your best poker face and tell her you haven’t the foggiest idea what she is talking about and late at night watch the movie so you know what she is referring to.

When she tries to bait you by suggesting you don’t know what it means to sexually assault a starfish you turn it around by telling her you are sure she doesn’t know.

The smart girl says you are right and tells you she’ll ‘Google’ the answer and you work hard to maintain your ‘poker face’ and tell her you will check her browser history to make sure she isn’t searching for things she shouldn’t know about.

Later on while you consider the best approach to trying to prevent this from becoming a recurring issue you come across that Tennyson quote and wonder if you passed it along to the Shmata Queen but that doesn’t answer the initial question so you table it for the night and go to sleep.

The Best Part About Watching Inappropriate Movies

It is Monday night and the family has just returned from five days in New Jersey.

We braved the cold to help celebrate my niece’s Bat Mitzvah and to help buildÂ a deep and lasting bond between the first cousins.

Since my siblings and I don’t have any first cousins this has always been of great importance to us and we have always been pleased to see that the cousins genuinely like each other.

Their love friendship is good, but it doesn’t overcome the distance between coasts so when we are able to get together we try to give them lots of opportunities to spend time together because that is how moments turn into memories.

Sunday morning the kids asked to see a movie and I said sure. Since we were short on time and I wanted to what I could to help provide more moments for memories I agreed to join them in seeing The Wedding Ringer.

I was under the impression it was PG-13 and didn’t know it was rated R.

Had I known that I would have insisted we change movies. The eldest cousins would have complained (high school and middle schoolers) but I would have said too bad and reminded them they have younger siblings/cousins who don’t need to watch R rated movies yet.

Instead I learned the best part of about watching inappropriate movies with my kids, niece and nephews is that the young ones get an education in colorful language.

Mind you, they might have known some of these expressions but the movie helped clarify the exact meaning.

Can Tennyson Help?

My darling daughter’s comments are a stark reminder about how tools can be used for good orÂ bad. Part of me is proud of her for understanding she can use the internet to gain answers to her questions.

I want her and her brother to be independent and to learn how to figure things out for themselves. I want them to continue to love to learn and to feast upon knowledge.

But I would rather they try to to stick with things that are appropriate for their age group.

I am not going to use software to try to manage things because I don’t think it will be effective. I’ll just push them to find other resources.

Instead I’ll ask for their word and continue to monitor things and try to do a better job of not adding fuel to the fire. The whole starfish commentary was bad enough, now I have another handful of phrases to deal with.

I’d show her the Tennyson quote but she’d probably tell me she heard men use poetry to woo women (Dead Poet’s Society clips from Robin Williams’ death) and then lead in to a whole conversation about dating.

Not that I can’t talk to her about that. but hell it would be nice to have a daughter who is turning 11 act like 11.

On the other hand the cousins had a great time at the movie and hanging out in general so from one aspect things were a real success.

I suppose the real lesson here is that life doesn’t always reflect our expectations and desires the way we wish it would now does it because if it did I wouldn’t have my daughter the comedian busting my balls about sexually assaulting starfish.

Gah, I don’t think she really understands what it means, she just knows it is something that will get a reaction from her parents, at least I hope that is it.

Getting Ready

January 14, 2015 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

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â€œThere are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer.â€Ansel Adams

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The Greatest Dad Blogger You Never Heard Of