Sunday afternoon I treated myself to a massage. It was a spur of the moment decision so I went to one of those little pop up joints at the mall and paid for a quick twenty minutes.
The woman who led me to the chair told me in broken English that my back is too big for twenty minutes and suggested that I go for longer but I declined.
I already knew that twenty minutes wouldn’t be close to enough time to really work out of the knots but I couldn’t relax for that long.
Sort of a contradiction, but that is how I live my life and most of the time it works for me.
No One Hears You Scream In Cyberspace
Lately I have been slammed, jammed and crammed with work. I walk around tired and feeling like my head is in a fog and push myself to power through it because it is what I do.
I power through it all. Always have and always will.
Saw that Black Hockey Jesus has declared himself a non dad blogger. Read part of his rant about why and saw something about delusional men of limited talent or something like that and laughed.
Most of it looked like gibberish to me, but I haven’t ever been one of his fan boys nor tried to measure myself against him. There are other writers who I think are far superior.
It is sort of nasty to mention him by name and not provide a link but throwing down the gauntlet the way he did and closing comments is sort of a chicken shit move too.
This really isn’t me calling him out or trying to start a flame war, but I just didn’t feel like writing one of those posts where I alluded to someone and didn’t mention them.
There Is Nothing New Under The Sun
I read a guest post that ran on one of the “bigger business blogs” and rolled my eyes a bit.
Why?
Because it sounded like a bunch of posts that I have written but I didn’t comment because there is nothing new under the sun. These posts are often derivation upon derivation upon derivation.
He might not have ever read my words before and I wasn’t about to wade in swinging an angry typewriter claiming I had been wronged.
Too tired and  too ambivalent to push for an acknowledgment I might not deserve.
Ultimately I am here for the love of writing.
Deadlines, Assignments and Fatigue
Multiple deadlines and a boatload of assignments are waiting for me to grace them with my tender love and care. It is part of why I am feeling stressed, but not because I can’t handle them.
I just don’t feel like it and I am frustrated because normally I destroy these things. This is not difficult work, it is ordinary and I just need to do it.
I will do it.
That is not rhetoric. I wrote it down because it is how I make myself accountable to me.
And it is how I push and motivate myself.
The keystone in my arch of fatigue is tied into a lack of exercise.
Been several days since I hit the gym. I was concerned that my hamstring might be more than a momentary twinge and took it easy. But taking it easy is hard.
Time Is a Brutal Master
I am not old, not even close but I have pushed my body in so many ways for so many years it doesn’t always bounce back as fast as it once did.
No one beats time or so I have been told. But I have given notice to that brutal son-of-a-bitch that I am never going to stop trying. I’ll just keep looking for different angles.
Nonetheless I stayed away from the gym because I know myself well enough to know that if I went I wouldn’t take it easy. But today I am going because this mental malaise stems from lack of exercise.
I have to sweat or I will begin to scream and bellow. I will blow and it won’t benefit anyone.
So when I stop writing I will put on my shoes and go sweat.
Time to see if the 44 year-old hamstring is going to cooperate or not. Maybe it is a good thing I haven’t found a good basketball game to play in because I wouldn’t have sat on the bench.
The Kind of Father
I want my kids to see me as the kind of father who doesn’t give up in the face of adversity and challenge. I want them to see that dad takes care of himself and that when one solution doesn’t work he searches for another.
I am here because I love to write and because it is part of my mental health.
And now I am gone.
