The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Random Thoughts

Memory Blanks

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Four or five hours ago I knew what I was going to write about here and made a point to make a mental note to remember or write it down.

It was a good idea, but it didn’t happen and now the thing that could have been an awesome sequel to the prior post is lost inside the cavern between my ears.

Could tell you not to worry and you would probably say that is good because you don’t but I suspect at least one of you does. At least one found themselves weirded out but not weirded out by the prior post.

Because sometimes you go through hell and beyond and end up in the place between limbo and heaven wondering how the fuck you got there and if you need to stay.

It is a reasonable question, why dance in the fire if you can extinguish it and walk away?

Maybe because you realize the fire burns in a different way and you are determined to figure out what the hell is different and if you should pay attention to it.

Because you have missed opportunities before and this time you are not going to miss one without putting more thought and influence into it.

That’s not to say you didn’t put thought into it before, but this time age, wisdom and experience are there to lean upon and that is worth more than just a little.

One moment and nothing was ever the same, might as well run it down.

Been Way Too Long

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Time moves faster than I realize because it feels like but a moment since SQ asked me to reconsider leaving and I said not to worry because I would be back.

Been slightly less than a moment since I updated this joint except the calendar shows how very wrong I am on both accounts.

Don’t think I have ever gone this long between posts here and that bothers me because this is one of my homes and I feel like I haven’t taken care of it.

Been busy with important things, meaningful things, things that qualify as more than stuff but it doesn’t take the sting out some of it.

Told SQ that sometimes that familiar ache hits so very hard and didn’t hear anything in return but took silence as acknowledgment because sometimes there is no reason to say much more.

If she stepped into my arms it would feel like no time had passed and the familiarity of home would be there because we carry our home with us wherever we go.


No Time To Do It All

Haven’t got enough time to do it all and too much to ignore what I can do.

Looked in the mirror and shook my head because I see the weight of the past and a face that knows what it means to live, to love and to lose.

A face that knows triumph, sorrow and the in-between.

He can carry the load himself if need be because it is how he is built, but it is not his first choice.

It is why I told SQ it is time to carry each other again and to let go and let be. To take a shot at grabbing that brass ring and to see if the magic is truly eternal as we have always known and believed it to be.

Always said one kiss would bring it all back which is why she hides her lips, because it is known and destiny will force our hands whether we choose to cooperate or not.

So better to march out and meet it on our terms, as best we can.

Why be Charles and Camilla when you could be like that man in black and his girl.

You can face the opportunity and see if the sun still warms your countenance or stand under the clouds and pretend the shadow cannot move.

The Queen May Read

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Thought about what was written here and wondered when the queen may read it. Hope it would be sooner than later but time really has no meaning right now.

Impatient I may be, anxious to have conversation and connection because of a feeling that things are heading a certain direction.

Got no logical reason to feel this way, merely a gut impulse but every other time I felt it the thing I thought would happen did.

Doesn’t mean it will, but it doesn’t mean it won’t either.

So if I sit upon the fence post and wait a moment before determining what side to come down upon I am ok with it.

Harry Nilsson Doesn’t Care

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Harry Nilsson doesn’t care that I started this post while listening to what Apple Music calls his essentials and then moved to Gordon Lightfoot and not because he is dead.

Rather it is because I can’t imagine he ever would have stumbled across this place so he would never know about it.

But if he did find it I think he’d be more focused on my having included him in the headline and the post, that is better than not being included, even if you are featured on a smaller joint.

Lost In Her Loving

I’d argue it is far better to get lost in her loving than to never know what that is like.

Even if said love is removed and you feel like the sky has gone dark or the moon has chosen to hide you know something.

That is the sort of experience you never forget because if you get wrapped up in that warmth you have been through something life-changing.

I know a guy who told me he would give it all up because having loved and lost was too damn painful, but I told him he is a fool.

He told me I was the real fool and that you never get it back and I shook my head.

I know better.

Sometimes you get her back and you get another shot, sometimes you don’t.

The focal point ought to be how you learned you can fly and don’t have to settle for being earthbound.

It can present some painful moments when your wings have been clipped but the knowledge of what is possible or trying to discover what is possible is part of the scientific spirit.

There are no advances without a willingness to explore and to dig a little bit.

What Words Will You Use To Speak?

The same guy asked me what made me so certain.

I told him I had kissed a certain girl a thousand times and never tired of it.

“It always felt like we had the most intimate conversations without words, but we spoke.”

“How did you know?”

“I didn’t know in the ‘traditional’ sense, I knew in my gut. And even when we were apart I always felt like we could pick up and resume where we left or even take it to a deeper level because of life experience. If she agreed to let me pepper her pike, well I would absolutely think about it.”

“You’d think about it? Why not just do it?”

“Sometimes it is good for her to hear no. Let her remember it is a true partnership, if we let it be. There is a level of trust that makes the physical work in a different way. It is all based upon the communication because when we let do the depth is unmatched.”

“You make it sound like someone is holding back now.”

“Maybe one of us, maybe both of us or maybe none of us.”

“You are not going to tell me, are you?”

“Nope, that is our business and you aren’t part of ‘our’ are you.”

I laughed and he smiled.

“Well, you ought to tell her what you think about your business. She might be waiting for you to speak.”

“Yeah, she might or she might already know. Maybe she’d prefer not to hear about any of it or maybe she really is waiting.”

“Did anyone tell you that you are a pain-in-the-ass and that you refuse to answer questions.”

“No. Not one single person.  :D”

One Step Into The Unknown

Part of me very much wants to hide out in my castle and wait for the chaos and confusion to pass. Part of me wonders if we have really touched upon it or it is trapped inside Pandora’s box waiting to be set free.

Had a situation develop on the job side that has wreaked a bit of havoc. Had a call that can only be described as a brutal beating that left me incensed because it wasn’t my fault.

I think that is understood by the important people but it doesn’t make me feel good.

Nor does getting some assignments that I don’t understand well. If I am going to work on something I want to do a good job and this feels a little loosey-goosey to me.

So I am going to have to draw on a little reserve of courage and push on. That is all I can do.

Blogging Is A Game

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I was a 35-year-old homeowner with two small kids who played around with moving out of LA but wasn’t particularly serious about it.

Sure, I talked about moving to Jerusalem but I promised my wife that we could put that off until after the kids were out of the house so that was more of a dream than reality.

Then came the idea about selling the house and moving to Texas but I wasn’t so sure about it.

I liked the idea of being able to sell my house in LA and using the cash to buy something much larger and nicer in Texas.

Hell, I loved the thought of being able to do that and still have a nice chunk of cash in the bank.

That seemed practical and smart, but it also was a little frightening and not something I was real sure of.

Didn’t matter that I was somewhat familiar with Texas, I was a creature of habit and liked my comfort zone.

Fast forward almost 14 years and the house I was hesitant about selling is long gone.

I fought with Wells Fargo about trying to refinance and they laughed at my desperation, all courtesy of the Great Recession.

Jack the high flyer went from the top of the pile to the bottom.

Lifestyle Changes

We went from ample cash and kids in private school to just scraping by.

Vacations disappeared and the savings that I worked hard to accumulate went along with everything else.

Most of it was taken in an effort to save that aforementioned house and for a long while Old Jack was a very angry man.

It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair and it was hard not to be bitter. Hard not to kick myself for not having pushed to sell the damn place earlier when we could have walked away with plenty instead of nothing.

But that is how life goes and instead of living in LA mulling over whether it might be easier to live elsewhere we are in Texas.

Hell, this is my second time around living in Texas, so technically I have lived here for about 2.5 years.

So maybe this is how it was always going to be and the only question was when would I end up here.

Maybe.

****

Enough time has passed for me not to be pissed off at what could have or should have been and most of the time I am pretty happy with how life is now.

But it took some doing to get here.


Blogging Is A Game

I go back and forth between being the grumpy old man who is outraged about how many hacks blog for the swag and free trips and the guy who accepts blogging is a game.

Some days I want to do nothing but scream about it but considering I have done the product reviews, taken some of the trips and played the game it would be hypocritical.

Maybe it is jealousy. Maybe I am sorry I haven’t had the same success as others or maybe it is just my grumpy nature.

Maybe I am happier having something to complain about.

I don’t think I was always like this, hell I know I wasn’t.

Things happened, life happened and I changed.

If it wasn’t for blogging I might not be able to see it so clearly.

If it wasn’t for writing these thoughts down where I can revisit them I might not be able to track it.

Maybe some of these changes wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone through what I went through, or maybe they would have.

Hell, I ended up in Texas anyway, so maybe the 35-year-old was always going to turn into a grumpy almost 50 year-old.

Maybe.

Blogging is a game, play it well.

A Writer Shares A Thought

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Beams of sunlight are supposed to gently rouse your body from its slumber, but that is not always how it goes.

Maybe that is why some people use blackout shades or do things to help ease their way into a wakeful state.
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I am not really looking out at the mountains or staring at the beach below.

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I wish I was staring at either of those places and that I was the writer who had enough money and or resources to set up shop wherever I want to.

It is not because I think it would bestow magical powers upon my skills as a writer and storyteller.

No, it is a simple and selfish reason.

Because I think it would be cool and because my imagination tells me if I could afford to do that I would be a happier and more peaceful person.

It is a theory I’d like to test one day but I have a sneaking suspicion there is no truth to it.

Money and resources may ease some of my concerns but they are unlikely tofix all of them

It Won’t Make More People Read

It won’t make more people read my words here or at TheJackB.

Might make it easier to promote and reach more potential readers, but it is not going to make them stick around.

That doesn’t happen without providing interesting, engaging and entertaining content.

I know from experience that this is not a theory and that a good imagination can help take you a long way so maybe it is not really a big deal to not have those resources.

But damn, it sure would be nice not to have to worry about paying the bills once in a while.