Yesterday I told you how I spent money I didn’t have because my heart believes I am going to make something special happen with the product/service I bought with the money I don’t have.
Today I offer you a quote and a picture that are tied into that product and the dream of the future. It is fitting to do so because today I feel very much like I am standing on the outside looking in…again.
Except this time I am far more cognizant of why I am standing on the outside looking in. This time I am doing it because I have reached a turning point in my journey and I can’t go any farther without acknowledging certain truths about it.
It is the point where you close your eyes and say you have perfect faith you are going to figure it all out and you are going to do so in a manner that is unorthodox and untraditional.
If the Hogwarts Express were real this is what you would feel when you pushed your luggage full speed at a wall knowing that you won’t hurt yourself because magic would transport you to the other side where you’d find yourself waiting for a special train to take you to a special place.
Ask me if I am frightened and I will nod my head. Ask me why I am doing this and I’ll tell you there are some things I know in my heart that aren’t the kind of thing you explain with logic or reason.
That is the rub and the riddle right there.
It Hurts My Heart
This afternoon my son told me he has another group project to do in school. I listened as he told me about how he feels like no one wants to be in a group with him and it hurt my heart.
I don’t know if it is true or his perception. I don’t know what to think here because I know it is possible he is correct and it hurts my heart.
My son is a beautiful boy with the kind of work ethic, good spirit and kind heart we all should have.
Sometimes I wonder if he sees and senses the turmoil inside my own heart and the uncertainty I try to hide behind my eyes. I don’t know if it would help him to hear me tell him why it exists and to try to explain what is going on because there is a lot there.
The kids have never gone hungry other than by choice. If you don’t like the food on your plate and choose not to eat that is your decision, but no one here has ever skipped a meal because the cupboard was bare.
He is aware that I am interested in moving us with a lower cost of living. He knows that he doesn’t get every thing he asks for but that is no different from times when I have been flush.
There is no reason for he or his sister to expect to get everything without working for it. Gratitude doesn’t come from never having to earn things. There is a balance I want to try to achieve between giving, getting and receiving.
I told him this weekend I feel like I have finally really figured out what I want to do and am doing my best to make it my career. Told him that he doesn’t have to make a decision now about what he wants to be or do and that he is not locked into one thing as an adult.
These are truths I believe but there are moments when I think about what kind of doctor or lawyer I could have been. When you hear me dream about what kind of baseball, football or basketball player I’ll readily concede these are dreams, but I would have been good at practicing law/medicine.
Some say they think I would have made an excellent litigator but wonder how I would have handled representing someone or something I didn’t believe in.
But when I think about practicing law I like to picture myself as a scholar of Constitutional law. Something about that sounds both noble and interesting.
Old Doc Steiner would have gone to war with the insurance companies about the right way to practice medicine or so I like to think. He would have fought to give his patients the very best and railed against half ass measures.
I could have been those men and done those things except they didn’t have enough of the magic that words and storytelling have for me.
But they might have provided a more stable income and deeper pockets and maybe that would have helped mitigate some of the craziness and maybe my son wouldn’t feel as he does now, or maybe he would.
The joy of being a teen in middle school is that the carousel of life feels even stronger than it normally does.
The Lonely Blogger
You know writing can be lonely business and that sometimes you feel like some sort of social outcast. I don’t know why my brain works the way it does nor do I spend much time trying to figure it it out.
I am who I am and you will like me or you won’t. Or maybe you’ll be really lucky and love me and be loved by me. Woohoo, secret messages, but I digress.
Maybe the memories of the scars is why I choose to walk down this path or maybe it is because I am taking what comes easily to me and trying to do something with it.
I think what some people fail to recognize is I don’t spend all of my time picking and poking at these things. Most of the time it happens when I choose to write about certain things. It is like I flip a switch and the projector of my life starts flashing images at me to choose from.
It is an old fashioned projector I see in my head, the kind we used in schools. I can hear the clicking noise it makes as the film rolls through, see the bright white light against the wall/screen while the teacher feeds the film into it.
But I don’t remember it all, don’t remember everything with complete perfection.
Some memories have faded and some haven’t.
Some of those that have gone away come back to visit upon occasion, surprising me with their unexpected arrival.
The funny thing is the more I move into the future the harder I start digging into the past because those moments and memories are filled with story fodder.
So in order to move ahead I have to go back. Sometimes the contradictions in life just make me shake my head and smile.