The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for November 2009

How Twitter Has Impacted My Blogging

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At long last the incredible story about how Twitter has impacted my blogging. Yes, the post in which the world famous TheJackB pulls back the curtain and demonstrates that the wizard is a just an ordinary man.

It is a thoroughly unscientific analysis. I joined Twitter in December of 2008, but didn’t really start using it with any regularity until somewhere around March of this year. For those keeping track that left me a hair shy of my fifth blogiversary.

If I am not mistaken I have chosen to tweet and not blog about certain stories. I suspect that if I took a hard look I’d find that those were the stories that I classify as caught my eye. A collection of odd stories is really what it is.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t still blog about them, I just do it less frequently. If you consider that the pace at which I blog has slowed down it is reasonable to wonder if there is any correlation between that as well. It could be that it is more coincidental than anything else.

On a slightly different tack I have noticed that traffic to the blog has been progressively increasing. It seems to follow the number of Twitter followers.

So in the final unscientific analysis I’d have to say that I am pleased with Twitter.I find it to be an interesting source of information and a useful tool that I can rely upon.

Sometimes Daddies Get Scared Too

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Sleeping

Not so long ago  I scared the dark haired beauty. I had a nightmare and I screamed. Or maybe yelled is a better description, I am not really sure. I can’t tell you what it was about because I don’t really remember the details very well.

But what I remember is that something terrible was happening. Something very bad was going on and in my dream I was truly frightened. That doesn’t happen to me too often. I am like anyone else, I have things that scare me. Lots of things do, but usually they make me nervous.

This was different. This was fear. This was something that reminded me of childhood fear. Dark and mysterious and out of my control. It came for me. It did something. I don’t know what, but it was bad.

And so I reacted. I reacted so strongly that I yelled out loud and woke her up. It woke me up too, but it took me a moment to realize it. Took a moment to realize that I was awake and not dreaming. Took me a moment to realize that I was sweating. And in the moment it took for me to wake up I got angry, very angry.

I suspect that it is natural response. So I climbed out of bed and stood silently in the dark, listening. Not quite sure what I was listening for, but had I found it I would have done something bad to it. Fear had been replaced with anger/protective dad time.

And then I heard her calling for me.  “Abba, abba, come here.”

So I walked down the hall and found her sitting up in bed. She reached out for me so I took her in my arms and sat down upon the bed and asked her what was wrong.

She put her head against my shoulder and in a soft voice told me that she heard me sound scared. I asked her if she knew what I said. And then she told me no, just that it was daddy’s scared voice. I kissed her and told her that I was ok, that it was just a bad dream.

She asked me if I got scared a lot by my dreams and I said no. Then I asked her if she remembered my ever doing that before. She said no again. I hugged her tightly and told her that sometimes daddies get scared too, but that it was ok.

And then before I could say anything else she fell back asleep. I laid her down upon her bed and then sat on the floor. I sat and listened to her breathe and tried to remember what it was that had upset me. I never did figure it out.

After a while I got up and walked into the family room and collapsed upon the couch. For a moment I played around with logging on. I knew that I’d find the usual crew of electronic companions on Facebook and Twitter. Knew that I could blog about it and chose not to because I wanted to try and get some more sleep.

It took a while to unwind, but eventually I did. And when morning came I woke up on the couch feeling a bit tired, but far more relaxed than I had been the night before.

She doesn’t remember our conversation or if she does, she hasn’t mentioned it. That is ok with me. For now I am happy to let it go. As long as it doesn’t make her nervous.I don’t mind her knowing that sometimes daddies get scared too.

Hanging Out With Hairy

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This is part six of the project I am working on for National Novel Writing Month. Here are the links to the first sections.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up
“I Don’t Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again”
Once Upon A Time

Inside the car I remembered that I hate commuting. The fact that it would have taken me just as long to get to the beach as it did to travel to the office was immaterial. Normally I would have spent the ride plotting ways to prick “Big Ed.” The precious minutes of beach time that I was wasting would have been devoted to thinking about how many different ways I could call Harold, “Hairy.”

Did I mention that at times I can be juvenile, selfish and spiteful. Not my finer traits, but hey, at least I am aware of them.

This time was different. Instead of plotting my silly revenge, enjoying music or listening to the ridiculous rantings of the anonymous talk show callers I was lost in a place that I wasn’t so sure I wanted to revisit. I was back in the past. It was a bit like walking into my garage. There were all sorts of treasures inside and a bunch of junk that I probably should get rid of, but never had.

I have always liked thinking of my memory as being a big garage or warehouse full of stuff. It works for me. There is something appealing about it. Whenever I need to remember something I simply walk into the garage and find the box it is located in. The problem is that like my real garage those boxes are not only dusty but they sometimes include items that I didn’t expect to find.

Back when I was married the garage was my refuge. It was my cave, my domain and all who entered it understood that it was dangerous to screw with things without my approval. Not surprisingly the ex thought that different rules applied to her. Although to be fair I learned long ago that once a woman starts sleeping with you she assumes certain liberties, like trying to convince you that Laura Ashley sheets are cool for the master bedroom.

My internal monologue was disrupted by the squealing by a loud thump, thump, thump coming from the car next to me. If you want to piss me off it is always wise to play your stereo at levels loud enough to make the windows shake. I have said more than once that if I am ever involved in a road rage incident it is going to be because of that.

The noise got my attention and I made a point of looking around to see where it was coming from. There was a large SUV in front of me that seemed to be the culprit. Sometimes it is hard to tell. The noise is so loud that it could just as easily be coming from the side or behind.

The license plate frame on the SUV said something about being a proud student of Grapevine Community College. The G.C.C. administration should be proud of this sort of representation. It really says something. Then again, I am a part time writing instructor there so maybe I should be more charitable with how I think of the students.

The writing gig isn’t bad. For the past ten years or so I teach one or two creative writing courses each semester. In the beginning I wasn’t so sure about it. They didn’t have an existing curriculum so I had to develop one on my own. That was supposedly going to lead to my earning more but I am not really sure that ever happened.

That first year I taught by Braille. It was a lot of touch, feel and react. I wouldn’t advise doing it that way. The department chair made a point of instructing me not to do it that way. He gave me a lot of good advice that I ignored. Sometimes my issue with authority causes trouble for me.

But we got through it. Over time I developed a teaching style and I found that I was pretty good at it. Most of my students were truly interested in learning so it made it easier to engage them. And of course it didn’t hurt that quite a few were relatively attractive women.

On a side note let me mention that you don’t want to tell woman that she is relatively good looking. It is the kind of remark that creates a minefield that no man wants to walk through. It is not that different from being asked if a particular item of clothing makes her look fat.

Say that she is relatively good looking and she will set you up for a verbal beating. You can almost guarantee that it will be an interrogation of what and who she is relatively good looking compared to. If you suffer from the same fits of stupidity that afflict me it will lead you to saying that she is far more attractive than a hippo or warthog.

You’ll say it with a big smile that you think she’ll find endearing and then after she has eviscerated you’ll wonder why you didn’t just save time by hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

In case you are wondering I sometimes use that as part of my lecture. The students enjoy laughing at my expense. It is not unusual for the women to laugh the hardest or tell me that I should know better. I smile and shrug my shoulders. The guys usually like this too. After class a few of them will come and share their own war stories with me.

I like to try and use these kinds of stories because they work well as ice breakers. Get the class to laugh. Get them interested and engaged and it becomes far more interesting to everyone.

Not everyone appreciates these tales. Every class is filled with at least one person who doesn’t appreciate a self deprecating sense of humor. Did I mention that they are usually female. Is this coincidence? I think not. That leads to another useful safety tip for the men.  Don’t try to use that last line or any derivation of it in class. You’ll do great with the women who likes to hang out with the boys.

But invariably you’ll upset one or more who will decide that you are sexist and in need of being reported to whatever authority they think will screw you the hardest.

Ok, I admit it, I am a bit bitter and irked with the fairer sex. But I have a good reason, really, I do. I can tell you her name, her sizes. Yes, I said sizes, shoe, pants, panties, bra, blouse, whatever. I don’t give a damn whether you think that is cool, weird or what.

I can tell you how tall she is, her weight, what color her eyes are and a million other details. It has been years and I haven’t forgotten what she smells like or how it feels to kiss her. Years later and sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her looking back at me.

Years later and I can’t forget. The last time I saw her we kissed each other goodbye and headed off to our cars.

But I am not going to go there. It took a long time to put it aside. It took a long time to accept that the life I thought we were going to share wasn’t going to happen. Took a long time to convince myself that I couldn’t just wait around, that maybe love wasn’t enough.

And until the girls decided to have lunch with me that was ok. I was ok. Until that little bit about her being single I was ok.

I’ll say one thing for being distracted, it made the time in the car go by like it was nothing. Of course the downside to that was that I hadn’t spent any time thinking about an idea for my next assignment. And now I had all of five minutes to try to come up with one.

You Suck Dad!

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Would you let your child scream obscenities at you. Would you stand there in the middle of Trader Joes scream “Dad, you suck! You’re an idiot” and far worse.

I wouldn’t. When I think about what would have happened to me had I done that I just shake my head. I might have sailed right through the doors and into the front seat of the car. I didn’t grow up in a violent home. Dad never hit us with a belt or anything like that.

But I received a ‘potch’ on more than one occasion. I knew from any early age that there were limits and lines that would not, could not be crossed without consequences.

The kid I saw yesterday afternoon didn’t have any fear or concern regarding their actions. They didn’t stop to worry about consequences. I was bothered by that. But I was bothered more by their father’s non existent response to this. He acted like this was normal. He wasn’t embarrassed, nonplussed or upset by any of this.

WTF.

I wanted to grab the father and shake him. I wanted to punch him, slap him, spin him into a state of awareness that this is unacceptable behavior. It is intolerable. Why would you let that go on. That kid was around ten or eleven. What do you think is going to happen when they get older. Do you have some crazy fantasy that this is going to somehow improve.

Children need boundaries. They need limits. He is begging for it.

Maybe he has some sort of problem. Maybe he is emotionally disturbed, I don’t know. But I am willing to bet that his therapist would tell you that when he acts out in public you need some response other than staring off into space like a slack jawed fool.

It is easy to become a mother or father. That doesn’t take much effort. Unfortunately the same is not true of acting like one. Being a good parent requires work, effort and attention.There aren’t any quick fixes or shortcuts. That is just how it is.

Once Upon A Time

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This is part five of the project I am working on for National Novel Writing Month. Here are the links to the first sections. They need to be cleaned up, but I’ll save some of that for now.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up
“I Don’t Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again”

One of the best parts of my job is that I can do it from almost anywhere. All I need is my cellphone, a laptop and an internet connection and I am good to go. It is one of the perks that come with the position, not to mention the joy of dealing with the most cantankerous editor ever.

He and I have a real love hate relationship going on, and that is putting it mildly. It wouldn’t be fair to say that we love to hate each other. But it would be fair to say that I love to aggravate him. I probably shouldn’t. It is a bit unfair to always press his buttons, but I have issues with authority. So does he.

For some reason he finds it necessary to try and tell me what to do and how to do it. This usually inspires me to do the opposite. Somewhere out there my mother is shaking her head about this. She told me many times that it is better to get along with people, that I don’t always have to be such a pain-in-the-ass. I love you mom, but you know that it is not going to happen, so why keep trying.

“Big Ed”, the editor, that is what I call him, likes to have regular meetings with me. He says that they are not serious, just an easy way to communicate. The thing is that I prefer to communicate by email or telephone and he likes face to face.

“Big Ed” doesn’t like being called “Big Ed.” His real name is Harold but if you call him Harry he gets upset. It probably has something to do with having virtually none on his head. You also can’t refer to him as “Harold, the Hairy, the Regent of Rogaine” because he doesn’t like that either.

Truth is that I can’t say that I really like it. It is not particularly funny, but it gets a reaction from him and that I do like. Did I mention that he is very particular about where things go on his desk. I like to move his stapler around. Again, it is not funny and it is quite juvenile. But it tends to help him come to the proper conclusion that Jack and office visits are not a good mix.

With that sort of introduction you might wonder why the “balding behemoth” doesn’t release me from his tender mercies. The answer is that I am that good and so is he. Together we have found a recipe that works and both of us have been around long enough to recognize that you don’t mess with something like this.

It also doesn’t hurt that Harold went through his own divorce and was sensitive to my situation. He made a point of approaching me more than once to offer a friendly ear. I was grateful and appreciative of it. I made a point to thank him and then told him that if brought up a “friendly ear” to me again I would sue for sexual harrassment.

He quickly apologized and changed the subject at which time I threatened to sue him for not making a pass at me. You should have seen how red his face got with that remark. Poor Harold didn’t know what to do. I almost felt bad for him because I knew the feeling.

Getting divorced was sad and exciting. Even though I knew that it was the right thing to do it was hard to accept that something that had seemed so right was over. I need to qualify that. I think that at one time it felt that way. I mean, I wouldn’t have gotten married if it didn’t seem right.

That was something that I just wasn’t sure of. I couldn’t decide if I really had felt that way or if I had convinced myself that at one time I had. None of it really mattered. I had checked out of the marriage long before the divorce, I just hadn’t realized it.

For a long time I had thought that the problems were all related to external influences. When the kids are young they suck the life out of you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them or have a single regret because they are amazing. They make you better people.

But they also make you crazy people. They take and take and take. And then they takes some more. During the week there is the daily grind of getting them to school, helping them with their homework and all of the extracurricular activities.

Weekends weren’t any less busy. There are birthday parties, soccer games, ballet and when they get older reports for school.

And did I mention the challenges posed by preteen and teenage romance. I almost killed half the boys in my daughter’s middle school. As far as I know she didn’t date any of them, but she and her friends swooned and cried about them more times than I can count.

In fact I intend to kick the crap out of some kid named Jason for the simple reason of just because. Just because translates into you dated my daughter for two years in high school. Two years of pretending to be Eddie Haskell. Two years of trying to bullshit me into believing that you weren’t trying to get into her pants every day.

Stupid prick forgets that I used to be him. I know every line and trick for making a girl think that you think she is special. You are not unique. And yes I know that other boys did it too. And yes I know about karma and all that kind of crap. But you just rubbed me the wrong way and now I want you to give me an excuse.

The thing is that even though they have long since broken up if anything happened I would still be the bad guy. She doesn’t love him anymore, or so she says, but I know my girl. Actually maybe it is because I know my girl that I don’t need to do anything to him.

Scratch that, my fragile male ego can’t accept it. I am ordering one ass kicking off of the menu of life. One righteous ass kicking so that I can wipe that stupid smirk off of his lips. One day….

*******************

I had planned on working at the beach today, right next to lifeguard station number six. The car was loaded with my gear and I was just about to leave when Harold called to ask what time I was going to come in. I tried to pretend that the connection was bad but he was ready and asked me if I had checked my email.

He had forwarded an email that I had sent him two weeks prior. In the email I had told him that I would be delighted to meet with him to discuss my latest assignment. I hate when I screw up like that. I silently cursed my own stupidity and made a note to remind myself never to commit to anything in writing.

I told him that I would see him soon and hung up the phone. I made a quick trip out to the car to grab my gear and switch it with the business stuff.  One of these days I have to win the lottery or invent something because this working stuff is getting old.

A short time later I was in the car and headed towards the office. Talk radio and the sounds of traffic filled the silence and I found myself lost in thought.