Archives for November 2009

The Morning After

November 30, 2009 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

Needless to say that last post was both painful and cathartic. It took a lot out of me, much ofÂ it being frustration and anger. That is not to suggest or say that writing removed the elements that are creating issues, it just helped me regain perspective.

That is something that I try to pass along to my children, perspective. Perspective is a very useful tool. It helps us place the challenges we face in a context that we can understand and deal with. Imagine jumping into ice cold water. The shock of the cold temperature can leave you breathless and focused solely upon trying to find a way to warm up.

But if you can stay calm and take a moment to become acclimated to the new situation things will look different.

It is easy to say, but not always easy to do. I struggle with it. It is a constant battle not to just react, but to think and consider carefully what choices to make. Obviously we are talking about the bigger events and occasions here. The question of how to appropriately respond to health and or financial issues is far different than determining what to eat for dinner.

Perspective makes it all easier to do, sometimes. You can tell me about starving children, homeless people and or the terminally ill and how they have a harder life than I do. I’ll agree that they do because that is truth. However it doesn’t completely remove the sting and or pain of my own struggles.

I feel badly for those people. I can empathize and sympathize about their situation, but it doesn’t pay the mortgage or put food on my table. It doesn’t remove the bureaucratic red tape that I am currently dealing with in other situations. Do you really think that because some one died I am going to say that I don’t mind that a 30 day process has taken almost six months.

Not going to happen. So perspective is useful, but it is not a panacea for all of the challenges we face in life. At least this how I feel today. I expect that 20 years ago I might have felt differently just as 20 years from now I may also have a different opinion.

If I am still blogging then maybe I’ll remember to come back and re-read this and see if I still hold the same opinion.

It Was Very Good Year- No It Wasn’t

November 30, 2009 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

I am guilty of blogging while bitter. I am BWB with a dose of angry, cantankerous, curmudgeonly and a dash of STFU.

To paraphrase the dark haired beauty 2009 has been a very, very, very, very, very, very troubling year. Back in the early days of this blog I would have laid out all of the reasons why. I wouldn’t have thought twice about displaying all the goods, warts and all.

Back then when I had complete anonymity it was easy to say whatever, do whatever and go on. But it is different now, life is different.

Now, I am beset and besieged on all sides. The castle is under attack and I don’t see the white rider on the horizon. There is no calvary coming to the rescue, no hope from the outside. The situation I find myself in is the sort of thing that lends itself to the phrase that heroes are made, not born.

The ambiguity is intentional. I use this place as a refuge but some people aren’t entitled to seeing all that goes on behind the scenes. Some people don’t deserve to know it all. In that recipe above I forgot to mention that it should include stupid and defiant. Consider that rectified.

Anyhoo, as we are in the midst of the holiday season I find myself casting a dire glare at it all and I don’t like what I see. If I were the captain of a ship I’d say that I am in the worst storm I have ever found myself in. That is not melodrama, it is fact.

I cannot think of a time where things were worse. There were some very bad moments, but none of them compare to the extended play version of Jack as the Ancient Mariner. There is a fucking albatross tied to my neck I can’t shake the damn thing off.

So much has happened that doubt and questioning have become regular companions. I look in the mirror and see a face that I don’t recognize.

He stares back at me and dares me to try to make him go away. He is accompanied by a little nagging voice that whispers in my ear, questions my ability.

This is a test of will and desire. I accept responsibility for the things that I did that placed me here and I curse that which happened because of the stupidity of others.

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It is funny, as I sit here typing about being the captain of ship I find myself feeling dizzy. Really, the screen is rolling back and forth and I can feel the floor moving beneath me as if the house really were sailing upon the sea.

So I’ll continue for a moment with the ship analogy, I’ll be the captain, albeit without my Tennile as she is off doing other things.

What will our intrepid captain do? Does he have a plan? The answer is sort of, maybe and I hope so. I am working on a number of projects that may yield some big dividends. I have taken specific actions that I hope will help chart a course that ends in smooth waters and not dashed upon the rocks.

I really don’t know if it will work. All I can do is try. This much I know for certain. Three friends died this year. Three 40 year-olds aren’t walking the earth any more. They were taken. Their time is done and that is all she wrote.

For better or for worse I am still here. And I will fight because if there is one thing that I know how to do it is fight. And that is all there is left to say.