The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for June 2010

Communication Breakdown

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Ah, the joys of parenting, so many different things to be concerned with. And you thought that all you needed to do was try to keep your daughters from getting pregnant and your sons from impregnating those girls. If only it were that simple.

As a father I spend a lot of time thinking about my children and what sort of things I need to do to help them grow up. If the goal is to help them become well adjusted and productive members of society what can I do to help smooth the path.

There are some obvious answers to this such as helping them to receive a good education, work ethic etc. But there is one area in particular that I think has become even more important than ever before, communication. It is more important because our methods of communicating with others are evolving.

Effective communication is so very important because it sets the tone for our interactions with other people, especially now when so many of us have an electronic tether that beeps and whistles at us. If you read the studies they show that text has become our primary mode of speaking with others.  Instead of reaching out to touch someone it is becoming far more common to reach out and click someone.

From a bird’s eye perspective it wouldn’t seem to be problematic, but the reality is that there are a number of challenges that are presented by text communication that do not exist in verbal settings. The lack of verbal clues, no inflection or facial/body gestures provides an atmosphere which is rife for misunderstanding.

The warmth of a smile sometimes mitigates or softens words that sound harsh. Things that are not meant  sarcastically are easily misunderstood. The end result is that it is very easy to accidentally offend or upset people. Sometimes the consequences of these misunderstandings can be far more costly than we would like.

In addition to these issues there are two other potential challenges that exist. Email is viral. In a matter of moments it can be disseminated throughout the world reaching millions of people. Point and click on send and that message can be headed for inboxes of people who choose to save it forever on their servers and or print out endless copies.

But let’s step back for a moment and think again about words, our intentions and our understanding of what we read. It is of particular interest to me because I have had more than one occasion in which I have found myself engaged in discussions about why I or someone else wrote something. Silly arguments in which we discovered that poor choices of words had created needless confusion.

So I suppose that it is fair to say that in addition to teaching my children to craft their communications carefully I am going to make an extra effort to do the same.

A Boy Named Mookie

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Recent events have made me think about this post again.

His name was Mark, but his family called him Mookie. He lived a life that was way too short. I think that he was about six or so when he died.

I don’t know much about him beyond that. For that matter I couldn’t tell you if this little boy was shy or outgoing. I don’t know if he had dark hair or light, brown or blue eyes. I couldn’t tell you if he had a favorite toy. I am at a loss to answer any questions about why he was taken at such a young age.

Was his passing quick and painless? Was it an accident or an illness? Again these are things that I cannot answer because beyond what I have told you I know very little. I don’t know his family or any friends who can shed more light on who this little boy was.

What I do know is that he is buried in a grave that looks out upon rolling hills of green and that on a sunny day it is quite pretty. If you close your eyes and let the sun warm your back it is very pleasant. If you close your eyes you just might forget for a moment that you are in a cemetery. But the moment you open them you remember.

It is not something that you can easily forget. It may be pretty but it is still a somber setting. It is hard to find a time in which you do not hear the tears and grief of those who come to say goodbye to loved ones. And sometimes you encounter those who are unable to say goodbye. Sometimes you see them sobbing next to or on top of a plot.

During those moments I try hard to give them their privacy. For those people whose grief is so strong I try not to make it any harder by staring or making too much noise. They are mourning and I understand that better than I want to.

So you may wonder how it is that I came to know Mookie. You may wonder why I know so much and so little about someone’s little boy. I know because he is buried close to the grave of a dear friend. A dear friend who has taken on the responsibility of looking out for Mookie and helping him along whatever path he walks upon now.

At least that is what I think is happening. I don’t really know. I don’t know what happens after you die. I have some thoughts, some guesses but I can’t say with anymore authority than the next guy. What I know is that from time to time I have dreamt about my friend and that sometimes when I dream about him he is accompanied by this little boy.

Maybe these are just the foolish musings of a man who sometimes misses his friend. Maybe there is nothing more than that. Maybe it is just a wish or maybe there is something to it. I don’t really know for sure.

All I know is that the idea of D looking out for Mookie comforts me. It feels right and it feels good and I don’t see any harm in it.

So if Mookie’s parents should ever read this let me say a couple of things. As the father of a young boy who is close to Mookie’s age I can’t offer anything but my sincere condolences. But I can tell you this too. D is a good guy, the best. Don’t worry about Mookie because D will be there to help him. He’ll be there to comfort him when he is scared and his mommy isn’t around and he’ll be there to teach him the things that you missed out on.

Mookie is going to be ok because D is there and he won’t let him down.

The Helen Thomas Affair

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Unless you have been hiding beneath a rock you are probably well aware that long time White House correspondent Helen Thomas has retired. You can argue/debate whether she retired of her own accord or was forced out. You can discuss whether a person should be allowed to say the things she said without consequence.

But what you cannot do is suggest that her removal is as the result of the actions of an all powerful lobby that has control over the government and media. Or maybe you can, because the articles about her are filled with hateful comments. Antisemitic bile spewed repeatedly and intermixed with some awful ignorance.

There is an easy way to test whether people over reacted to her words. Simply insert the names of other groups into her comments. What would happen if she said that Mexicans should go back to Mexico, Blacks should go to Africa or Chinese people should go back to China.

The answer is that there would still be an uproar. People would be offended and go nuts and she would step down. Unfortunately this incident has provided a bully pulpit for those who wish to smear a country and a people.

It is a sad statement about people to see such comments. Shameful behavior that isn’t challenged enough. Because frankly it is reckless to ignore such talk. Give the bigots a platform that isn’t challenged and you provide a place for hate to grow and that shouldn’t be.

Thomas brought this down on herself. There is no blame outside of her own actions.

Three Little Girls

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The call just came in. Three little girls are on their way home. Less than a full week of school remains and they are determined to get in as many playdates as they can before summer vacation begins. Three little girls are on their way here, waiting to unleash their madcap ways upon my home office.

Uh oh, the house is a wreck and I look like the guy from a bad sitcom. Dressed in a tank top and boxers I am in need of a shave and a shower. Been working like a fiend on a couple of projects, determined to finish them sooner than later because the plan was to take the dog for a walk and then head to the garage for some time on the heavy bag.

But people plan and god laughs so I dash into the bedroom and grab a pair of shorts. The dog looks up at me, wondering why we haven’t left the house yet. I rub his head and promise to take him soon. Three little girls are on their way home and there is no telling what kind of craziness they’ll bring with them.

Last time they played 1,769,891 games including chase the giant (me), put makeup on the giant (me) and beg the giant (me) to give them piggy back rides through the house. In a matter of minutes this place will be filled with three little girls who will scream, giggle and shout.

I’ll put in my earphones and try to ignore them. Joe Cocker, Johnny Cash and Ray Charles will accompany me. Companions who will sing songs of life, love lost and love found all the while I will study spreadsheets and scratch notes. In between I’ll stare off into space and dream of things that haven’t been but could be. Get lost in thoughts of what I want and what I have.  Wonder if they can’t find a way to turn back the clock just a little bit.

Three little girls will march into the house. First in line will be the dark haired beauty, the queen. She’ll prance around our home and have a grand time playing with her pals. I’ll try to sneak away, my laptop, wifi and I. Sneak away so that I can try to get it done, whatever it is I do.

In between now and then I sit here typing, trying to catch my breath. No time to start a new project, not while three little girls are on their way. Better to wait and let them get situated.

I am pleased and aggravated by their presence. Pleased because I take great joy in watching my girl in her element. Almost six going on 30 the time will come when she won’t let me witness what it is she does. For now I am daddy or abba, the superman who at times she views as a big playmate.

Yesterday she asked for candy for breakfast. When I said no she glared and stomped her feet. I told her that one more stomp would leave her feeling hungry and alone in her room. So she changed tactics, hugged and kissed me. I smiled, hugged and kissed her back and said no again.

She shrugged her shoulders and asked for some cereal. Oy, I see the future. She has too much time to study me, too much time to try to figure out how to manipulate me.

Just moments remain before three little girls arrive so I must bid you adieu. There is work to be done, things to be shuffled and hidden- papers to be collected…For when they do arrive it will be as if a great wind accompanies them. Three little girls will prance and dance around this home. They’ll shriek and giggle and have fun.

It is too late- got to run because three little girls have….

Networking and Introductions

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Sometimes when I see old pictures of myself I have to stop and stare.  Not because of narcissism but because it is hard to recognize the boy I see standing there. That guy couldn’t have imagined that life would be as it is now. He couldn’t have pictured the triumphs or the tragedies. Some life experiences have to be lived to be understood.

But the one thing that he knew was that in life it is not always what you know, but who you know. As a parent it is something that I am very conscience of. We monitor who our children hang out with. We pay close attention to their friends because some people are trouble waiting to happen.

From a professional standpoint I have found that it is advantageous to be a broker of knowledge and people. And I like it on a personal level. It makes me feel good to try and introduce people who can help each other. It can’t hurt to help another.

Still am cautious about introductions. I don’t make introductions between people unless I am confident that it is appropriate and that both parties are ok with my passing along a name or telephone number. It is a matter of courtesy.

When I make an introduction I expect that both parties will make an effort to connect with each other. It is not my business whether they work together, but I expect them to communicate at least once.

Unfortunately I have been burned twice within the last month or so. I took time to introduce a few people and the ball was dropped. I hate that. I do an excellent job of making myself look silly and don’t want any help. When you tell me to pass along your name/number I expect you to follow up.

I don’t care if you prefer not to be a part of that. I am not offended if you are too busy. It is not my place to say whether you have time or not, but if you say yes I will hold your feet to the fire.