Archives for July 2010

Was It A Dream?

Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart
You’re shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I’m down on my knees
I’m begging you please to come home
Come on home

Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing,
Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing

Cecilia— Simon & Garfunkel
Go to sleep, may your sweet dreams come true
Just lay back in my arms for one more night
I’ve this crazy old notion that calls me sometimes
Saying this one’s the love of our lives.

Refrain:
Cause I know a love that will never grow old
And I know a love that will never grow old.

When you wake up the world may have changed
But trust in me, I’ll never falter or fail
Just the smile in your eyes, it can light up the night,
And your laughter’s like wind in my sails.

(Refrain)

Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rutted old road
In a world that may say that we’re wrong.

A love that will never grow old” by Emmylou Harris

Johnny sat down, took a sip of his coffee and looked around the room and smiled. It was a mischievous grin that lay upon his lips. The kind of smile that made people grab for their wallets or wonder if something was stuck in their teeth. It was silly, but if you asked him he would tell you that it was his favorite smile.

He loved it because it could be used in so many ways. With those he loved and who loved him it was simply disarming. Among those who didn’t know him so well it could be seen as a bit less than charming and in some cases simply infuriating.

Johnny didn’t care. He liked it that way. He was both intense and brooding. At times he could be exceptionally quiet or gregarious. He was perfectly happy to be the life of the party or content with his own company. Smiling again he chuckled and thought about the inherent contradiction in the description.

June didn’t want to be the center of attention. She didn’t need it nor did she look for it. But invariably she attracted people and more often than not she had her own group of people hanging around her. She was a natural hostess and entertainer.

Sometimes Johnny thought that she didn’t enjoy the dinners as much as she enjoyed the planning. Or maybe it was that she took so much joy in her lists. She was goal oriented and being able to cross off line items on her lists gave her pleasure.

Johnny wasn’t like that. He wasn’t a slacker nor did he lack organizational skills. He was very effective and efficient, but he moved at his own pace. Sometimes it frustrated June. All she wanted was a plan. Just something that she could look at and know what was supposed to happen. Looking back Johnny supposed that he should have given her one, she liked to be able to measure progress and a plan would have made it easier for her to do so.

But he hadn’t and that had created issues for him. June had been so very in love with him that he didn’t see how she could ever walk away. His own feelings mirrored hers and so it was more than a bit surprising when she walked out the door for the last time.

For a while he was angry and then just very sad. It was hard to understand how things had reached this point. For months she had refused to have any contact with him. He tried hard to break through the wall. There were telephone calls, faxes, emails, flowers, smoke signals and more. None of them worked.

And then one day she picked up the phone and he hung up. He had to laugh at the memory. On a whim he dialed her number and expected to hear her voicemail greeting. The shock of hearing her voice threw him so like a teenager he hung up the phone and stared off into space.

Heart pounding he wondered if he should hit redial, but he didn’t. Didn’t because he couldn’t figure out what to say or how to say it. That was assuming that she answered again, you never know, it could go straight to voicemail.

More time passed and he tried calling again and she answered. This time they spoke. For a short time they shot the breeze and caught up on what was happening with the other. In some ways it was very comfortable but it wasn’t quite normal.

For a while after this they would exchange short emails or text messages. But that communication only lasted if he drove it. If he didn’t reach out contact would cease. After a while he decided that he didn’t need to be responsible for carrying everything and he let go.

He figured that enough time had passed that he had to accept that it really was over. At least he tried to let go, the reality was that he never really did. Little things kept happening, reminders every where he went. So one night he drove out to a deserted field and screamed at the sky. Complained to the universe that it needed to be clear in its communication and stop fucking around.
And in return he received an answer of silence.

It was fitting. He didn’t really expect to hear some heavenly voice speak to him from a burning bush or any of the supernatural events that you read about. So he grumbled to himself, got back in the car and drove home. Once there he walked into his bedroom and promptly fell asleep on his bed.

In the morning he woke up, still dressed in the clothes he wore the night before. Somewhat groggy and disoriented he realized that he had been dreaming about June. In his dream she had kissed his cheek and told him that for the time being they needed to walk their separate paths. Then she hugged and kissed him.

When he woke up he realized that he could still smell and feel her touch. It made his heart pound some more and he realized that this just wasn’t done. At least he really didn’t think so, couldn’t say for certain.

But what he did know was that some of the darkness had lifted and he was ready to attack the world again. It wasn’t clear to him how long that would be for, just that he needed to do it.

Johnny reached out and grabbed his mug to down one last swallow of the liquid gold that he had brewed a short time earlier. That same mischievous smile danced across his lips. Had to be more than six months since that morning and all he could see were improvements in his life. Career was moving forward, workouts were productive and he was on his way to making the world his bitch.

That last though made him chuckle again. More than a few people would be irked by such a silly line, but that was fine with him. The man had been lost but now he was found. Might not know exactly where he was going or how he was going to get there, but dammit, that journey would be fun.

Beloved Wife

A few days ago I sat on the phone with my grandfather and listened to him talk about my grandmother. Slowly the talk turned to how much he missed her and I felt very badly as I heard him begin to choke up. He misses her terribly and hopes that she recognized how much she meant to him.

So grandma, if by some chance you are out there, somewhere and you can find some way to let grandpa know, please do it. We all miss you, but he lost the love of his life and that is something a little bit different.

And thank you again for everything, your great grandchildren still talk about your 75th anniversary party and watching you dance with grandpa. For a brief moment they got a glimpse of my grandparents and understood how very active and full of life you were.

Got to go now, it is time for me take off the grandson hat and go be dad again.

“You were the love
for certain of my life
you were simply my beloved wife
I don’t know for certain
how I’ll live my life
now alone without my beloved wife
my beloved wife

I can’t believe
I’ve lost the very best of me

you were the love
for certain of my life
you were simply my beloved wife
I don’t know for certain
how I’ll live my life
now alone without my beloved wife
my beloved wife

I can’t believe
I’ve lost the very best of me

you were the love
for certain of my life
for 50 years simply my beloved wife
with another love I’ll never lie again
it’s you I can’t deny
it’s you I can’t defy
a depth so deep
into my grief
without my beloved soul
I renounce my life
as my right
now alone without my beloved wife
my beloved wife

my beloved wife
my love is gone she suffered long
in hours of pain
my love is gone
now my suffering begins
my love is gone
would it be wrong if I should
surrender all the joy in my life
go with her tonight?

my love is gone she suffered long
in hours of pain
my love is gone
would it be wrong if I should
just turn my face away from the light
go with her tonight?”
Beloved Wife– Natalie Merchant

The Man of Steel Versus The Spam Beast

It is only fitting that it was during Comic-Con that I received an urgent call for help from the Man of Steel.

For several days he had been engaged in all out war with Captain Spam. It was one hell of a battle. Every time he tried to comment on one of my posts it was marked as spam and sent to the Phantom Zone.

In days of yore he would of called upon Captain Spam and the Keyboard Crusader would have surely answered the call. But CS hasn’t been seen in months. Some wonder if perhaps he was captured by the Nigerians in the 419 zone.

It had been my understanding that one or more members of the Lantern Corps were investigating this. Having been forced into an early retirement I have been a bit more reluctant to pay attention to events that don’t have a direct bearing upon myself or my family. And yes, I am bitter about that but that’s a topic for a different day.

And it is only fair to mention that the Man of Steel was one of the few who stood by my side during those crazy days of allegations, trials and kangaroo courts. Unfairly accused and convicted I refrained from telling the world to go to hell and made a quiet promise to help the man should ever he need it.

Those were bad times, ugly days that I care not to remember as the pain hasn’t ever gone away. So you can understand that I meant it when I said that I’d never march out the castle gates again. But a promise is a promise which is how I came to find myself suiting up for battle.

Fair warning is given to those who would oppose me. I expect no quarter and will give none in return.Evil shall once again tremble at the sound of my horns and the anticipation of my wrath. Stand in my way at your peril, The Bishop of Bullfrog has returned.

A Potpourri of Posts

Been digging through the archives and decided to provide some links to some old material:

A Story of Two Souls Searching to Merge
Who I Am Versus Who I Want To Be
A Note to my Coworker
The Many Layers of Hell
The tears that do not fall

The Humpty Dance

It is a thousand years ago- we’re juniors in college and feel like princes of the universe. We are all 21 now and no longer have to rely upon smart networking or the other tricks of the trade we used to rely upon to get into the bars. Not that any of it mattered, we were living the fraternity life so the social life was ridiculously busy.

I am a Zebe and we are ridiculously proud of our claim that we party harder than any other house and still maintain the highest GPA on campus. Technically it is a C+ but when you consider that we were a 100 man plus house it is not bad.

Saturday nights are filled with ridiculous amounts of craziness. Somewhere around 6 or show I hop into my Camaro and head out to pick up a couple of the fellas. We’re going to grab dinner and drinks and then head to the house for the party. Tonight we have a local reggae band playing and that girl from my poli-sci class is supposed to be there.

We hit Chilis or some other restaurant like it and grab some chow. The conversation is typical for a group of college guys- girls, sports and more girls. My little brother is riding with us tonight. He is all of 19 and we’re giving him grief for being the baby. He is good natured and laughs off the comments about pacifiers and diapers.

Time passes and we are at the house. I am working the bar, passing out drinks and just talking to whomever ambles over. Not so long before this a night like this would have been hard. The girl I thought I loved had dumped me and I would have been moping a bit. But not tonight, having too much fun and like I said that girl that wears the shorts and sundresses is coming tonight. All I can see is long dark hair, a nice tan and a smile that lights up a room.

The band is great and the music is infectious. Really it is hard not to sway or dance. All around me people are bobbing their heads back and forth to the beat. I am still working the bar. I like it there for a host of reasons. It is the kitchen of this particular house, the place where everyone eventually congregates. Hanging out at the bar is the best way to meet the girls. You don’t need to come up with any clever lines, just a simple “what can I get you” is enough to begin the conversation.

Just down the way I can see my little brother dancing with a couple of girls who are older than he is. Later I’ll tease him about his babysitters. He’ll tell me that I am just jealous and I’ll respond with something about how they weren’t really dancing with him. He’ll insist I am wrong and I’ll remind him that women travel in packs and that it is not unusual for them to dance together without the need for male companionship.

Time passes and the girl that I want to show has yet to make an appearance. I am still having a great time, but I realize that I had been really looking forward to seeing her. I shrug my shoulders and get lost in the music again. They finish their set and begin to pack up- she still hasn’t shown up.

I don’t have her telephone number and even if I did it wouldn’t matter much. It is a different time and no one has a cell phone. A few people I know have car phones and a ton have pagers. I have neither- can’t afford the car phone and hate the idea of someone beeping me.

Must be about midnight give or take twenty minutes and I have already figured that she is not going to show up. I am wrong. She comes strolling in accompanied by two friends. From my vantage point at the bar I can see her walk through the party. She hasn’t noticed me so I take advantage of the moment and stare at her. She looks fantastic. The three of them head spot the bar and head over to get a drink. She smiles when she sees me and I smile back. I can already smell her perfume. I don’t know the name but think of it as essence of let me smell bury my nose in your neck- it smells great.

I slip out from behind the bar and we make talk for a few about this and that. In a moment she’ll take my hand and drag me to the dance floor. I try to relax. I am good at talking but dancing is not my thing. Slow dancing is easy and I can do that without concern for tripping over my feet, but this won’t be slow.

The good news is that the dance floor is packed so all you can really do is try to move in time with the music. It is like a handicap in golf- I feel like I have been saved. We hit the floor and The Humpty Dance comes on.

We’re dancing and having a good time. I am thinking that this is promising and that maybe good things are going to come from this. A few more songs come on and we keep moving. Out of the corner of my eye I notice one of her friends kissing one of the guys, but the third is no where to be seen.

In a few minutes she’ll come over and interrupt us. Apparently she is not having a good time and wants to leave. She is the designated driver for the night so my friend tells me that she has to leave.  I want to offer to take her home but I have had a few drinks and won’t be ready to drive for a bit. Besides I don’t want her to take it the wrong way.

She hugs me goodbye and leaves. It is right around Spring Break so I won’t see her in class for a while, but when I do I find out that the party was good for her too. Apparently when she first got to the party she spent a while speaking with one of my fraternity brothers. As she was leaving they bumped into each other again and he got her telephone number.

During Spring Break they went out on a few dates and decided that they had real chemistry. I don’t know any of this when I see her in class and only learn about it a little later. But it provides a quick explanation for why she was acting a little bit weird that day.

Eventually they’ll get married and I’ll attend the wedding. I’ll be tempted to tease them about a finder’s fee but will be happy that I didn’t say anything because three years later they’ll get divorced.