Archives for April 2011

Weekend Reading & Updates

April 23, 2011 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

I installed DISQUS today. If it does what I want it to it will be one more piece in building the community that is being formed here. It will help facilitate discussions and make for more interaction and engagement. Time will tell.

There are moments when I feel the rhythm of the words come over me and I feel an overwhelming urge to write. The rub is that I am not always in a position to respond to my muse so sometimes all I can do is listen to the sounds of posts percolating inside my head and hope that I remember them later on. Truth is that sometimes it makes me sad to say that I missed out on writing whatever those words would have built. It is not because I wish that the readers could have read and or seen it. Rather it is because my best work tends to come from passion.

And when I feel that desire I want to unhitch the horses and let them run free…..

Ok, enough of that reflective stuff, let’s take a look at what you might have missed:

and from the archives:

Know Your Own Worth

April 22, 2011 by Jack Steiner 24 Comments

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are,
it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
You, me, or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life.But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.
How much you can take and keep moving forward.
That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. (emphasis mine)
But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers,
saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that, and that ain’t you!.
Cowards do that, and that ain’t you!

That line in bold is the most important part of the entire quote. That doesn’t diminish the importance or significance of the rest of it because the rest of is applicable too, but right now that line in bold is what really catches my eye. It resonates because a bunch of the fellas and I have found ourselves walking through unfamiliar territory.

We are a motley bunch of boys who are all somewhere in our forties. Some are married, some are divorced and some are somewhere in between. We are all highly educated college graduates who have been working in the so called professional world for longer than we care to admit. Twenty years or so ago we would get together to play poker, hit a bar or watch a ball game. The conversations would range from the very mundane to things that were more serious. We looked at the future and saw nothing but potential. There were endless opportunities and all we had to do was work hard to reach them.

No one questioned their value or ability. If anything we thought about how long it would take to get wherever it was we wanted to be. The attorneys talked about becoming partners and the doctors talked about whether they would start their own practices. The rest of us had our thoughts and ideas about what we wanted. Girlfriends started to be more rigorously evaluated than in the past. Now we started listening more carefully to what sort of values they had and how many kids they said they wanted. I remember a few conversations where guys laughed about birth control and said that it didn’t matter because if their girls got pregnant they would just get married sooner.

It wasn’t as shallow as it might sound. It was a tacit acknowledgement that they had found someone that they thought was special. And sure enough not all that long afterwards the marriages came followed the arrival of children. Conversations evolved and we laughed about how we were turning into our fathers and prayed that the wives didn’t turn into their mothers. Retirement was still a long way off but not so far away that we ignored it. Apartments morphed into condos/townhouses and houses. For some of us extra cash began to dry up- private school tuition drained those funds as did silly things like kitchen/bathroom renovations.

More time passed and we bore witness to major changes. The Oklahoma City Bombing, Columbine and 9/11 are just some of the things that helped open our eyes to possibilities that we had never considered. And of course wars in Iraq and Afghanistan played a role too. We were the generation that came of age during the end of the Cold War. We were in our early twenties when the first Gulf War started. We remember going away parties for guys in the service who set out to remove Saddam Hussein from Kuwait. Some of the guys weren’t retired and consequently got to go back to Iraq a decade later.

But it was different because they weren’t so young anymore. They weren’t old but the shine of youth had been wiped off of their faces.

And now when we gather we see bodies and faces that look different than they once did. Hairlines have changed, waist sizes adjusted and lines have begun to crease our faces. Those were expected, albeit not always wanted. But what wasn’t expected was how very different our forties would be. No one expected that there would be so many battles to fight. No one expected to see jobs outsourced and layoffs announced. No one expected to find out that they weren’t being hired because some twenty something-year-old kid would work for less.

So we banded together and talked about ways to overcome these things. We looked at each other and spoke about the foolishness of companies ignoring our wealth of experience. We stared each other in the eye and promised that it would get better because it had to. But that didn’t necessarily happen. The divorces and foreclosures still came. The fight to earn a buck became more serious than ever and we wondered how we came to be in this place.

Realized that much of our self-worth and masculinity is tied up in our ability to provide for our families. And when that was removed we found ourselves bereft of something that was more important than we had realized. We laugh about our twenties and talk about wanting to go back but no one wants to go back to tiny apartments, Ramen noodles and Spaghetti O’s. No one wants to stress out over how to pay for a new set of brakes. Twenty years ago we did a lot of that work ourselves but cars have changed and it is not always so easy to do what we once did even though we are physically able.

So we try to lean upon each other and lend what support we can because there are no other options worth considering. And through it all we remind ourselves that many are fighting the same battles. We stare in the mirror and promise to be our own advocates for change and recognize that part of our knowing our own self worth is taking the time to tell others.

Writing To Connect With Others

April 22, 2011 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

â€œshe runs from my words and hides from my heart
and all the while it weeps endlessly
while my soul reaches for hers
and wonders why it doesnâ€™t answerâ€

Someone asked me why I have devoted so much time to blogging and whether I thought it was worth it. The underlying message was an unspoken accusation that I was wasting my time, using it unwisely. It is not the first time that I have heard such words or felt someone judge me for how I choose to engage with others. It didnâ€™t bother me then and it doesnâ€™t bother me now.

Engagement with others is what makes the blogosphere so very interesting. Interacting with other fathers and hearing their stories about their lives, desires and interests. Walking amongst the mothers and listening to what they say about their lives and their roles is so very interesting to me. We are all parents and people yet our perspectives can be so very different.

It doesnâ€™t matter whether we are both witnessing the same event at the same time our experiences, thoughts and ideas provide very different filters through which we process and account for what we just did. That is a sterile way of saying that we might be staring at the same picture but we have different interpretations of what happens. I find that fascinating.

Engagement is undoubtedly a big part of why you see me here day in and day out. I write to connect with others. I put pen to paper and try to paint a picture of the things I see and hope that you too can see the images that are splashed across the mental canvas inside my head. Radiant colors intermixed with a symphony of sounds are constantly parading before my eyes.

Somewhere out there the song of my heart sometimes takes a moment to check in and read what I have laid down. It doesnâ€™t happen as often as once does but it still takes place. I suspect that in part it doesnâ€™t because there is power in these words and images. These words serve as a secondary bridge that we use to connect in places that words canâ€™t occupy nor describe.

Call it hyperbole but I think of it as a spiritual and emotional connection that cannot be understood unless it is experienced. There is a depth and an intensity there that lies beyond my ability to describe but that doesnâ€™t preclude me from trying to find the words that will demonstrate it in a fashion that can be understood. Perhaps it is that lack of understanding that I find so intriguing.

Sometimes I try to describe it as a that burning ring of fire that never is quenched. Other times I think of it as being similar to holding water in the palm of my hand. If I hold still and am careful for a moment I am granted a chance to stop and stare at it, but I dare not squeeze. For if I try to hold on too tight it slips out of my grasp and runs between my fingers to places unseen and unknown.

It is the ultimate fishing trip. I throw out my line and hope that the bait is taken so that I can ever so gently reel that line back in. It is an incredible exercise in patience for that is not my nature. If I gave in I would start turning and pulling as fast as possible using speed and brute strength to try and obtain that which I seek.

Here in cyberspace I use this sandbox of mine as a place to explore the alternatives. A safe oasis in which I can explore and examine thoughts, ideas and execution. Here in cyberspace is where I am affirmed and reaffirmed for beliefs in ideas that are different or unconventional. It is where I am challenged and questioned.

Sometimes the challenges come from the outside but more often than not I find that my accuser is someone who knows me on an intimate level and is well acquainted with both strengths and weaknesses. They know which barbs will sting the most and when false bravado is being flashed instead of truth.

They know because they are me and I am they. Like I once said I am my greatest critic. You cannot find anyone who is harder on me than myself. Here in this corner of cyberspace I engage in the great debate and find answers to the questions that plague me or at least I try to.

Here in this corner of cyberspace I record family memories and thoughts about it all. For better or for worse it serves as a chronicle of life and a place that I use to connect with others. I have not exaggerated when I said that I write for myself but it would be wrong not to say that my writing is also a way to connect with others.

Song Sung Blue…And Other Colors

April 22, 2011 by Jack Steiner 25 Comments

Ok here is the newest addition to my Red Dress Club Prompts. The details are just below. I really should have picked the first option but that seemed too easy so I went with the second and I am not real pleased with it. I think that it is kind of awkward and a bit long. But the purpose in doing this is to practice writing because that is the only way to improve.

This week you had two choices for prompts.

The first was to write a formal letter to you or your character’s greatest fear. The second was to select 10 songs that would be on your character’s iPod and would tell about that character.
The Song of My Heart has gone silent. She who inspired the words written just below this paragraph has chosen to deny her heart to me. That which was once open and freely offered is no longer available or so I have been told.

I had a dream. I dreamt of a place that I had never been to but always wanted to live in. You were there and your arms welcomed me to a place that until then had always lived inside me. You unlocked the passion and the fire that burns inside me.

You helped me to remember that love is meant to sting, that to be apart is to feel an ache that no drug can touch and to be together is to know the meaning of union.

You are my drug of choice, an addiction that I cannot give up. My air and my blood, the wind that fills my sails and were I to lose you I would be forced to revisit that dark place that I used to live in. I would be hollow inside, an empty shell and who knows what might choose to occupy that place.

I knew the day that we kissed that life was going to be different. Few people understand because so few have had the experience and even then few walk that path. When you walk through fire you risk being burned but you also open yourself up to untold rewards.

When just holding hands brings incredible pleasure, when whispers and caresses offer the height of joy and passion there is something special.

When I kissed you I felt your legs go weak and I held you tightly but I was not concerned because my arms were made for holding you tight and feeling your heart beat against mine gives me all the strength that I require.

I had a dream that became reality.

If you were to ask me to describe who we were and explain what happened I would probably shake my head. Because if you haven’t lived it than you cannot understand it. The language of the heart is not something that you can transcribe with words. Many have tried and most have failed. But perhaps there are songs that might offer an inkling of an explanation.

“Love is a burning thing
And it makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire

I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down and the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire
The ring of fire

I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down and the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire
The ring of fire

The taste of love is sweet
When hearts like ours meet
I fell for you like a child
Oh, but the fire went wild”
Ring of Fire– Johnny and June Carter Cash

The passion that fueled our fire was the sort that would make poets weep because how can a few lines of verse describe a single kiss that transforms your life…forever. You can’t and again unless you have experienced it this will all seem like so much hyperbole.

With the calm of the mountains, I will love you
with insanity and balance, I will love you
with the fury of my years
the way you taught me to be
with a powerful raw scream, I will love you

In secrecy and in silence, I will love you
risking (bordering) in what’s forbidden, I will love you
in what’s false and in what’s true with my heart wide open
because you’re something that’s not perfect, I will love you

I will love you, I will love you in a way that’s not allowed
I will love you, I will love you in a way that’s never been known of

Because that’s what I have decided, I will love you
Te Amare– Miguel Bose w/ Laura Pausini

But if you have experienced such love than you know that you cannot just ignore it. Â You….must….act upon it.

Then say you’ll share with me
one love, one lifetime
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you…
anywhere you go, let me go too
All I Ask of You– The Phantom Of The Opera

And act you shall even if you are wrapped up in love, lust, hope and confusion. Because sometimes heart battles head. Your head says ‘watch out’ and your heart says ‘shut up.’ The two engage in a ferocious battle for supremacy.

And don’t ask me where
All of the pain goes
‘Cause you make me feel
That I don’t know myself
You say that you want me forever
And I say that love is no crime
So tell me the names of the children
We’ll have at the end of the line

So don’t put your arms around me
And don’t hold me tight
‘Cause I could get used to
Your vision of paradise
And don’t let me near the garden
Of earthly delights
‘Cause I could get used to
Your vision of paradise
Of paradise
Of paradise

Just use your heart not your head
While I fall apart in my bed
I find myself aching for you
I feel myself breaking in two
Visions of Paradise– Mick Jagger

You both say that love should be enough and swear that together your hands intertwined and your hearts as one will find a way to overcome the doubts and demons that have suddenly beset you.

There’s a crazy mirror showing us both in 5-d
I’m laughing at you you’re laughing at me
There’s a room of shadows that gets so dark brother
Its easy for two people to lose each other in this tunnel of love

It ought to be easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you’ve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above
if you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love

Tunnel of Love– Bruce Springsteen

But no one knows better than you how the fire that burns so brightly can create chaos of a different sort. No one knows how burning desire can create confusion and in the silence of the night insecurities can build. And sometimes that which seemed unbreakable can be broken. Freed from the shackles that once bound them the whispers of doubt and insecurity go to work upon you both until a wedge is driven betwixt and between. And so it goes until one day something happens and the tower comes tumbling down leaving you battered, bruised and broken.

“Don’t look don’t look” the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
“Don’t wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl… ”
But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

“Oh don’t talk of love” the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
“Don’t talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that’s ever true
There’s nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do… ”
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream’s the same
Every night I burn
Burn– The Cure

So you burn and you ache while you live your life alone and apart. Time passes and you think that you have figured out how to move on. That ache isn’t quite so prominent and the sense of loss feels less urgent and you really wonder if maybe you let go. For a moment you don’t know whether to be happy or sad about it and then something happens. A moment comes and you feel that crazy, mixed up sense of loss and recognize that you haven’t made the progress you thought you had.

“My mind’s distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you’re asleep
And kiss you when you start your day.

And a song I was writing is left undone
I don’t know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can’t believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.”

Kathy’s Song– Simon & Garfunkel

You have heard stories about stages of grief and tales of love undying. You can’t quite decide what to think or what to feel. Just when you thought you were beyond it all those intense feelings creep back in and you feel the fire as if it had never left you.

“I would give anything I own,
I’ll give up my life, my heart, my home,
I will give everthing I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again ”
Everything I Own– Bread

The biggest difference is that you don’t feel desperate like you once did. Now you feel the emptiness and doubt but there is some hope. Good old hope- unsought and undesired it has sprung up unexpectedly. You are torn and titillated by hope. It seems a little cruel for it to come to you this way but you remember that this has always been different and that is ok.

“Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart
You’re shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I’m down on my knees
I’m begging you please to come home
Come on home

Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing,
Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing”
Cecilia– Simon & Garfunkel

There is this crazy sort of confidence that has been created inside you that somehow you’ll get your moment. You can picture, touch and taste it. For a long time you thought that whatever you had must be dead inside her. You thought that it was dead because you couldn’t believe that she could stay so far away for so long. But that is not what you think anymore. Now you begin to smile because even though it doesn’t really make sense you have begun to believe that crazy voice inside you is right. Jubilation is coming. All you need to do is find a way to convince her to talk to you. All you need to do is to get her to read your words and the walls that have been erected will come tumbling down.

I can imagine the moment
Breaking out through the silence
All the things that we both might say
And the heart it will not be denied
Till we’re both on the same damn side
All the barriers blown away

I said please talk to me
Won’t you please come talk to me
Just like it used to be
Come on, come talk to me
I did not come to steal
This all is so unreal
Can you show me how you feel now
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me [x2]

I said please talk to me
If you’d just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If you’d only talk to me
Come Talk To Me– Peter Gabriel

Or at least you hope it is true.

Comments and Community

April 21, 2011 by Jack Steiner 12 Comments

Hell, there are no rules here, we are trying to accomplish something. Thomas Edison

My mother likes to tell people about how I went through a phase where I would introduce myself to other children and then hit them. Typically she follows up that nugget with a comment about how for a while I was also a biter and that more than 30 years later she still hears about it. I like to look at mom and remind her that in no short order it will be more than 40 years since these things happen. That generally ends the conversation. Mom really isn’t vain, but she is wrestling with a big birthday that is coming in a few years so she doesn’t like to be reminded of my age.

Some of you will read about my antics and shake your head in gratitude that your children never did anything like that. Or maybe you’ll nod your head and silently cringe because Sally/Johnny is a biter too. And if you don’t relate to either of those angles maybe the age thing will catch you and you’ll appreciate how some birthdays are harder than others. From my perspective it doesn’t matter which of those three grab your attention as long as one does. My goal is to write something that resonates with you and draws you in.

Ideally you’ll be moved/inspired to leave me a comment about the post. Maybe it will be a story about your children, your youth or some kid you knew. With a little luck you’ll be joined by others who will comment on my post and or your own comments. Perhaps if god smiles upon me and fortune graces me with her blessing you’ll start talking among yourselves- not just on that post but on many.

That my friend is a very rough outline of an idea and concept for building and executing the construction of an online community.

Comments and community make the blogosphere much more interesting. They are a big part of the reason why I continue to hang out and write. It is fun and educational and sometimes that is how I figure out what I want to write about. Posts like this make me think about why I write and what I want. They remind me that I consider myself to be part of multiple communities.

Here on my own blog I follow very simple rules. I write for me first and then for everyone else after that. I think of the comments here as being similar to a cocktail party or barbecue. I wouldn’t ever host a party and spend time telling people to shut up. That doesn’t mean that you can say whatever you want. This is my cyber home and if I feel you are violating I will grab you by the seat of your pants and the scruff of your neck and send you through the front door head first. Call that the intersection of graciousness and grumpy.

If you are one of the 17 long time readers you know that I write about anything and everything. Some people will be offended and I am ok with that. Doesn’t mean that I am going to go out of my way to offend you because I generally don’t. There is a good chance that I’ll engage in a discussion about it and do my best to be civil. But that doesn’t mean that I will let you write whatever you want either. Free speech only goes so far and in my home it is subject to my rules. But the comments and community that hang out here know these things.

It is long past time to end this but I’ll leave you with one more ofÂ Edison’s aphorisms to ponder: The value of an idea lies in the using of it.

Instant Messenger

April 21, 2011 by Jack Steiner 3 Comments

Can’t remember the last time I signed into the good old Instant Messenger and there you were. I wondered if it was a sign or just coincidence.

Anne Stacey. There you were. A little picture of your smiling face flashed up at me and I smiled back. For a moment I just stopped and stared. Watched and wondered what to do. You told me to give you some space and I had done that. But the truth for both of us is/was that space is a funny term.

Throughout the years there have been a few brief moments where we felt that we needed some time away from each other. Moments of anger and or frustration. Moments of confusion when we tried to catch our breath and figure it all out. But throughout it all we always found that it was impossible to completely forget the existence of the other.

It is a hard thing to explain, but we always feel better when we allow the contact. And when we are separated intentionally or otherwise we have a tendency to seek the little things that connect us. There is a comfort in those things. We passed the point many years ago when we could truly say that we were all by ourselves. Now the connection is always there.

Most of the time it is a wonderful thing. Most of the time it is an incredible feeling to know that the missing piece to the puzzle is not just out there, but identified and recognizable.

Most of the time we find ourselves smiling and secure in the knowledge that our best friend is our greatest love and truly the star we follow in the dark night. But sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is painful to accep that the person we wish most to be with is separated from us.

Sometimes we compensate for the pain and frustration by coming up with reasons why we are angry with the other. Sometimes we fuel the fire with imaginary hurts and slights and or make lists of all of the reasons why it cannot work. Sometimes we run from the truth because it is too painful to accept.

There are those who suggest that sometimes love isn’t enough. There are those who say that the best thing you can do is just accept this and move on. But you know that I have never been one to just accept these things. I push and pull. I tug and shove and bang and knock. Tell me no and watch me prove you wrong.

Ok, so not everything is possible. I can’t fly and I can’t stop time. But if it was possible to do so than you know that I would. If it was possible to alter the good old space-time continuum for my Anne Stacey I would. But even though I cannot it doesn’t mean that the future is an impossibility.

I don’t allow myself to be constrained by purely linear thinking. I don’t live based upon what can’t happen, but upon what can and what could be. I am not Don Quixote attacking windmills, but if I did it is a certainty that the windmill would fall.

That is the power of the certainty of a deep and mature love. It fuels a fire that burns bright and deep. It powers an engine that has the strength to push through slings and arrows. I suppose that we could continue this line and ride some sort of cliche filled story where I woo you by using math and science. You know, talk about how there is a new element to add to the 106 in the periodic table. Or compose some sort of word problem that illustrated in math terms the proof of our love.

We’ll save that for a different day. Instead we’ll circle back to the moment that inspired the note. The completely unexpected appearance of your picture in my instant messenger box. It caught me off guard. I was unprepared to see your smile and the sparkle in your eyes. It was a pleasant surprise and I am sure that you’d be pleased to know that after all this time the flames inside are still smoldering. It wouldn’t take much to start a full blown fire.

But I refused to give into the urge to contact you. I refused because you asked for space and I intend to give it. Besides the hopeless romantic that lives inside believes that something will happen. There will be a moment, an incident, a something that makes you reach out to me and ask me to help. And that is key.

That moment is going to be part of a number of events that help everything fall into place. It is the keystone in the arch. Or maybe it is just the fantasy and burning desire of a dreamer who believes that our potential doesn’t have to go unrealized.

I can say one thing without hesitation. Everyone should experience the kind of love where a thought and a smile provides a charge that makes your entire body tingle. A charge that makes you close your eyes and bathe in the thoughts and memories of what was and what will be. The memory of your scent is intoxicating.

More than this I dare not say or write.