The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for October 2011

One Father Speaks- The Media Does Not Define Me

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“These are the days now that we must savor
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You’ve got to hold them in your heart.”
These Are The Days- Van Morrison

Those nameless few who make up the people we refer to as “they say” tell me that the mirror doesn’t lie. If that is true than the years haven’t been as kind to me as I might like them to be.

A few lines and creases have attached themselves to my face and some of the hair that used to cover my head has chosen to head elsewhere. The hard body isn’t as hard as it once was and a host of mystery aches seem to have taken up residence. Fortunately a good stretch in the morning sends them running away at high speed.

But none of that is particularly significant or important. That is not to say that I think it is ok to become a complete slop and let my physical health slide because I am adamantly against that.  My real focus is upon how the internal affects the external.

The Media Says…

If you spend time surfing through the dad blogosphere you’ll find an ongoing discussion about how the media portrays us and whether we need to do something about it. My gut feeling is that some of us are missing the boat.

I am not disputing that there are more than a few examples of men/fathers being presented in an unfavorable light and that this could cause issues. However I don’t spend much time worrying about it because my focus is upon my own actions and how I present myself.

People remember how you made them feel first and what you did second. I see both of those as metrics that I can support. They offer a different sort of clout than the Klout so many in social media debate about.

So while I cannot completely discount that stupidity can be contagious I cannot and will not spend all of my time railing about how unfair life can be. You don’t hear every story about the mothers at the park who tell me that they think it is cute to see me “babysit” my children.

That is not the only irritant. When I use a public restroom I know that sometimes a mother is going to come charging in to try and confirm that there are no scary people in there with her children. I am a parent. I get that, but if I am in the stall I am not going to announce my presence or engage in conversation with mom.

Some of the boys are irritated because there is a double standard. My 7 year-old daughter will not use the men’s room. It is not a question and I know that should I dare stick my head in the ladies room there will be an uproar. It is not right and it is not fair but life isn’t fair.

What Is The Point

The point is that we need to pick and choose our battles. We need to focus our energy on the things that matter. For me that primary effort is devoted to my children. It is devoted to making sure that they get a great education and learn how to be productive members of society.

I want them to learn the importance of generosity and gratitude. I want them to appreciate the value of hard work and to understand that we judge people based upon their actions and not their image.

I want them to learn how to distinguish between fighting for pride and principle.There is a time for everything and if they learn those distinctions it will serve them well in life.

All the rest is just commentary.

It Wasn’t Worth Getting Arrested

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Jail cells at the Southborough Police Station Shot by my_southborough
Jail cells at the Southborough Police Station
Shot by my_southborough

It was time to take a break from blogging about the redesign efforts that have been ongoing here. So here is a story for you.

She insulted my manhood and said that if she had a gun she would shoot me. I told the clerk to call 911 and asked them to bring the manager over.  When he didn’t move I calmly repeated my request and told him that I didn’t want any trouble. She looked at him and said that if he picked up the phone she would kick his ass.

Hindsight is 20-20 but that was probably the moment I should have walked away. There are lots of other grocery stores to choose from and a smarter man than I would have found one. But I didn’t take her threats seriously so I stood there calmly and proceeded to scan my items, taking care to place them in the bags in the bagging area.

Did I mention that grocery stores are the source of one of the great mysteries of life.  I want to know why they bother to set up 27 checkout stands but only have two or three of them manned by a cashier. I suppose that the growing number of self checkout stands proves that the stores have finally realized the folly of providing so many unmanned registers.

Who knows. What I do know is that that the problem started when she told me that the sign said that the line was for 12 items or less.  She told me to get out of line or put something back. I smiled and said that I would be just a moment longer. “No, you put something back now or get out of line!”

I nodded my head and kept scanning my groceries.

“You selfish asshole, get the fuck out of line. You have too many things!”

Had she been a man I probably would have responded differently, but she wasn’t physically threatening to me. A medium size woman in a pair of flip-flops and a blue sundress. What reason did I have to worry. I was substantially bigger than her and certain that in less than two minutes I would finish checking out and be on my way to the car.

That would have been how it went except that the universe has a funny sense of humor and decided life would be far more interesting if it caused the machine to stop working.  She told me to “stop fucking ignoring her” and I turned my head.

“Relax, I don’t respond to hysterical bitches who can’t count.”

If I told you that I wasn’t trying to irritate her you would accuse me of lying and I would say that you were right. Experience has taught me that the combination of “relax and hysterical” will have the opposite effect.

I like to describe moments like that as having occurred because my “brain slipped into neutral.” The motor is running but we’re not going anywhere. Correction, we’re going somewhere and we’re moving quickly. We’re heading towards a cliff at a million miles per hour. The question is are we running there as The Road Runner or are we Wile E. Coyote.

And Then Things Took A Turn

When the scanner didn’t pick up my items I looked up and called the clerk over to help. It was the same kid who had ignored my requests to call 911 but this time he responded. “I don’t know how to fix this, let me find my manager.”

Somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear Robbie the Robot yelling Danger “Will Robinson!” but I am not Dr. Smith or that damn coyote so I stood there and waited for the manager.

Short, dumb and stupid screamed at me and then promised that her boyfriend would kick my ass. “I think you left your boyfriend in the produce section.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that line but I did note that instead of screaming at me she was screaming into her cellphone.

The guy that walked in the store wasn’t exceptionally tall but he was wide and heavily muscled. He must have been sitting in the car or maybe Scotty beamed him down because seconds after short, dumb and stupid finished screaming she gleefully announced that her boyfriend was going to “kill me.”

As he lumbered over I took a hard look at him and tried to decide if the better course of valor would be to exit stage right. And maybe I would have walked away. In a different time and a different place I might have chosen to handle things differently, but today was not that day.

No, today was the day that the guy next to me had a large salami in his basket. I looked up at the ceiling, thanked god and then took my impromptu Hebrew National hammer and walked towards the boyfriend.

Oh No You Didn’t

Oh yes I did. I took that salami and I told him to step back, turn around and leave the store. He sneered and kept advancing. I looked at the crowd and announced that I didn’t want trouble.

“Too late asshole, I am here.”

He probably should be grateful that I didn’t have a frozen leg of lamb because I didn’t hesitate to meet his charge. As he ran towards me I gracefully stepped to the side and smacked him in the back of the head with my salami. It wasn’t hard enough to knock him or slow him down which is why I found myself wrapped in a bear hug.

My friends, let me assure you that the last thing you ever want to emulate his technique. A bear hug is no match for an angry man with a salami. For I took said salami and proceeded to beat him silly with it. Fortunately I was smart enough not to hit the two cops who came ostensibly to break up the fight.

The same two cops who gave me the gift of silver bracelets that I wore behind my back. The same two cops who couldn’t stop laughing about the guy who got his ass kicked by a man with a salami. Something tells me that this story is going to become a station house legend.

Even so, it really wasn’t worth getting arrested.

Blog Design- When Do You Ask For Help?

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There comes a point in time at which it becomes necessary for all of us to reach out and ask for help.  Take a moment to listen to the two minute podcast and then share your thoughts in the comment.

Do you have any suggestions or preferences for how things should look around here? What do you want to see in a layout/design for this blog? Share your thoughts and we’ll see what happens.

How Frequently Should You Update Your Blog?

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Notebook

There is a section in Stephen King’s book  On Writing about how writers need to kill their darlings. The gist of it is that editing and rewriting provide an opportunity to tighten up our work.

It is an idea that has value and merit not to mention real life applications to writers/bloggers like you and I. It is also something that I tend to ignore the same way that I ignore people who say there are limits on how frequently you should update your blog.

Those people are often the same people who provide you with a long list of rules for blogging and call themselves Social Media Gurus and experts. Excuse me if that sounded like I was sneering at them. On second thought, don’t excuse me. I don’t cotton to those who call themselves gurus.

Maybe it is because I think that it is among the 12 most irritating words in social media or maybe it is because some guy in a parking lot told me that I am a white man in dire need of a blow job. In case you are wondering I told him that it is never cool to try and insult someone with old movie lines- you almost never can be as cool as the actor who said it in the movie.

The reason it was cool in the movie is because movies are scripted and all the actors follow the script. The only thing more offensive would be for someone to steal your line and try to use it on you. Note to self, videotape encounter with the time traveler.

Does Cursing Belong In Blogging

Now that I have shared the advice of guy in the parking lot I probably should send you over to see what Marcus had to say about whether cursing belongs in blogging.  My own two cents:

When I curse in the post there is a rhyme and reason for it. It is done because it is supposed to add flavor to the soup, but like any spice it should be used sparingly.

My actual comment was longer but since my dear friend Stephen is the published author of many books and I am not I’ll use his advice and slaughter my little darlings. Oops, I think that comment negated my attempt to slaughter my little darlings. No worries, let’s move on,

It would be dishonest of me to claim that I never think about how often I post because I do. The pace I keep up ensures that many readers are unable to keep up with me. Sometimes I wonder if I shoot myself in the foot by doing that. But inevitably I come back to blogging at whatever pace matches my passion.

Writing is the fuel that feeds the fire in my belly. I just love this stuff. A day without writing is unusual. Even if I don’t put pen to paper I am usually composing and constructing stories in my head.

What Happens to Content That Isn’t Commented Upon

Somewhere in the rubble is a post in which I referred to posts without comments as “orphans.” It is sort of a sad thought- a post without comments. If words had feelings you would wonder if they would be hurt by those people who had nothing to say about them.

Sometimes I run those old posts again. If it is a strong post that merits seeing the light of day I will probably recycle it in one way or another.

Occasionally I will link to them in one of my other blogs and see if I can drive traffic to them that way. You might be surprised at how effective that can be. While there may be some overlap between the two of them there are many readers who aren’t aware of the other so it makes sense to give them a push.

It is not a perfect way to try and get more visitors for your blog but it helps. Incidentally, there is one rule of blogging etiquette that I will pass along. No one is obligated to post your trackbacks or publicly acknowledge that you linked to their post. It is ok to let someone know that you linked to them, but it is not cool to try and shame them into acknowledging you.

An Old Favorite

Someone has spent copious amounts of time reading an old post I wrote called Give Me An Example of A Rant. It is rather opportune because the person who set me off visited here today. So for old times sake let me share an excerpt from that:

If you pulled that hot poker out of your oversized ass and dropped the remote control from that fat cheeto covered paw of yours you might actually have a chance of making a point.

But that is about as likely as your ignoring the siren song of stale store bought donuts you left on the kitchen counter you pathetic maggot.

I guess when you father crapped you out he managed to rid himself of some genetic waste.

Go rub some salt up your ass and suck on a rock. And for what it is worth it is considered bad form to rely on Google for insults you silly bastard.

As they say, eat shit and live. And to all my other fans, go fuck yourselves with the nearest kitchen utensil you can find. You are in dire need of a serious orgasm.

Hugs and kisses from someone who doesn’t understand satire.

-Jack

It is almost time for me to stop writing so that I can return to working on the design here. I don’t like the home page and am considering building some kind of landing page instead. Do you have any thoughts in the matter?

Ok, kid it is time to go but before we do let me share the song that has been playing the last three minutes:

Don’t know you, but sometimes I miss The Sopranos. Every time I hear the opening to this song I see Tony driving out of the Lincoln Tunnel and onto the New Jersey turnpike.

As always, your comments are welcome.

Jack, The Deer Hunter Kills Blogs and Animals

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Elmer Fudd is In the Woods- Watch Out!
Elmer Fudd is In the Woods- Watch Out!

Let’s get a few things straight right from the start. I shot Bambi. Yes, that cute little sucker in the photo above was shot by yours truly using a highly refined Nikon. Did it while eating breakfast and entertaining five kids. Aren’t I special. Grouchy would be a better word and far more accurate.

This is going to be another hit and run post in which I dispense some hard earned wisdom. It is probably not wise for me to try and design a blog in the same fashion as I write.

I rarely use an outline to write. It is not because I have reached Gladwell’s magic number of 10,000 although I expect to one day exceed that. It is because I see the story inside my head. The words are all assembled there waiting impatiently for me to call upon them. Thousands of them mill around in circles shouting my name- desperately trying to get my attention.

I don’t have to look, think or consider which ones I am going to choose because I just know. Writing is easy for me. I may not always like the content that I produce or be thrilled with the final product, but those words always come.

Design is Different

Design is different for me. I don’t have a final plan in mind for how I want this blog to look. I have a bunch of ideas that I am mulling over and while that works inside my head it is not as easily translated. I am not a coder or developer. I am not a designer either.

So what I really should have done is mapped this out. I should have spent some time developing a basic outline that I could follow. Instead I decided to say screw it and just jumped in head first.

I am dancing in the fire and I kind of like it.

Part of what I love about writing is creating and this definitely touches upon that. It is rewarding to work with your hands and see the fruits of your labors. It is good to learn how to do things.

My children know that sometimes I don’t want to tell them what time it is, I want to teach them how to build a clock. Knowledge is power and the more you know the more powerful you can become. Cue evil laugh.

What Comes Next

What comes next is relatively simple. I am going to spend some more time fighting with the blog trying to figure this stuff out. I am going to watch some video tutorials and read some posts/forums. I am going to tinker and tweak and exhaust myself and see what happens.

Somewhere in the midst of that or after I will probably follow up with those who have offered to help (Thank you Danny Brown and Robert Dempsey who have both offered to walk me through via Skype). By then I should have a much better idea of what I am trying to do and will be able to ask better and more insightful questions.

In the interim I am going to ask for your continued indulgence. If you have advice or suggestions you are welcome to leave it in the comments or contact me. Half the fun is in the journey or so they say.

Side note: A few people have written in and asked for more thoughts about my writing process. I’ll put together a separate post about that later, but if you are interested in some of the pieces that I pulled out you can find a section below. Those two video clips are part of the many movies inside my head.

Some of you might picture it as being similar to the docks like in On The Waterfront. You remember that movie, don’t you? I never get tired of this scene:

It is probably fair to say that sometimes I picture myself being a bit like Brando- one man taking on the system and beating it:

That stubborn man lives inside me and is a big part of why I haven’t taken up any of the offers for help…yet.

Three Critical Rules Regarding Blog Design

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I am not a blog designer but here are three critical rules regarding blog design:

  1. There are no 5 minute fixes. It always takes longer than you think.
  2. Never start working on your blog unless you have time to work on it.
  3. Never start working on your blog right before you intend to go to bed.

Dammit, if I didn’t break all three rules.

I knew that I have a problem with authority, but I never realized that included my own. I probably should have. How many times do I quote Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Essay on Self Reliance.

Dammit, dammit, dammit. I have to go to bed and stop working on this. But the blogging mistress keeps singing her siren song and here I sit. There is a reason why I have two other blogs I am writing for- it is so that I can write.

Yet, here I am teaching myself how to fix what I have broken- learn by doing. At the moment I am going to learn how to go to sleep. This joint will be here in the morning, and if not, well I will have a lot more time on my hands now won’t I.