The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for February 2013

The Cure For A Bad Day

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If you are in need of a smile maybe this will help.

ANGER MANAGEMENT When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?”

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re interested in the Caller ID program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” “My name is Don Burgemeyer,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?” “Don, you’re an asshole.”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I screamed back.

“Who are you?” he demanded.

“My name is Don Burgemeyer.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE!

It’s a yellow house, with my black beemer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”

Then I called Asshole #2.

“Hello?” he said. “Hello, asshole,” I said…again, without hanging up.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are!”

“Yeah, you’ll what?” I said. “I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

Anger management really works!!!

I run this post every so often because it makes people smile and it is what you call evergreen. Most of the time it is under the headline Anger Management.

I am not the official author and have yet to find him/her. If I do I will be glad to provide full attribution.

What Happens When You Stop Blogging?

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I wasn't hiding out here.
I wasn’t hiding out here.

I don’t know what happens when you stop blogging because I have never stopped for longer than five days. Heck, unless I am mistaken the past five days in which I didn’t update the blog is the longest time I have gone without blogging…ever.

Ok sticklers, let me qualify that and say it is the longest time I have gone since I started blogging in ’04. It is probably worth noting I rarely update two or three times a day as I used to, so in some respects it feels like I hardly blog at all.

Unplanned Unplugging

I hadn’t planned on unplugging for as long as I did, it just worked out that way.

I went on a short trip and decided not to bring my laptop with me and didn’t feel like typing on my phone or iPad.  I took notes about what happened around me and had a million different experiences that I could have written about, but never did feel the urge to share it with you.

Can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like blogging, but I just didn’t feel it.

There were one or two times where I sort of wondered why I wasn’t typing. There were moments where I wondered why I wasn’t taking heed of my own advice to write daily but most of the time I just didn’t care.

So I unplugged from the blogosphere and did other things.

It was very pleasant.

Did Anyone Care?

A few days into the “unplanned unplugging”? I took a look at my stats and noticed that there wasn’t much of a dip or change. Those of you who are most devoted checked in on a regular basis and the rest of you did whatever it is you do when you aren’t here.

The question of “Did anyone care” is really more rhetorical than anything else.

Most of want to think that our absence would be noted immediately and that the world would stop spinning if we weren’t around to share our tales but the reality for most of us is different.

People move on and find new things to read/watch/do.

Would I like things to be otherwise? Would I like for people to gnash their teeth and beg me to come back?

Maybe.

Really

Really, I am not sure about it.

Part of me likes the idea. Part of me likes it because everyone wants to feel wanted, loved, needed and valued. But part of me doesn’t like it much. It reminds me of a story I just read about Michael Jordan.

It was really interesting and I could write about multiple sections, but this one is of particular interest to me:

Jordan is alone.

He hates being alone, because that means it’s quiet, and he doesn’t like silence. He can’t sleep without noise. Sleep has always been a struggle for him. All the late-night card games, the trips to the casino during the playoffs, they’ve been misunderstood. They weren’t the disease, they were the cure. They provided noise, distraction, a line of defense. He didn’t even start drinking until he was 27 and complained of insomnia to a doctor. Have a few beers after the game, he was advised. That would knock off the edge.

I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be the guy who becomes so important to everyone else they are willing to cater to his every whim, even if it goes beyond selfish.

I don’t want to be the guy who can’t rest at night because he can’t find a way to be at peace with himself. I don’t know what it means to be the best ever at anything, but I know something about a fire in the belly and the desire to chase after the faeries of the night.

I know what it means to burn, but I also know what it means to close my eyes at night and feel good because I did what I needed to do and I am excited about the next day. That article makes me wonder about Jordan.

What Happens When You Stop Blogging?

I don’t know what the answer is other than to say I think it is subjective. The answer is different for all of us and contingent upon what we want.

Can’t say when I’ll decide to hang up my keyboard either, but I hope that when I do I haven’t any problem walking away. I hope that when I have had enough I ride off into the sunset and never feel the need to look back.

The Best Cover Letter Ever…Revisited

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Dear Mr. Johnson,

Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.

Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.

In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.

Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.

The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.

As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.

I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.

Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.

Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.

Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.

Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.

(This is what you call evergreen material. It originally ran here.)

I Found A Way

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It is no secret that the past few years have been filled with numerous challenges and a couple of setbacks here and there. I took a beating and then did it again because I thought it was the right thing to do for my family and I would do it again.

Or maybe I wouldn’t.

Maybe I would do things differently because hindsight is 20-20 and you can always see different ways of approaching things but there is nothing to be gained by looking backwards and saying “I should have” so I am not going to.

Not going to spend my time doing it because I found a way through the fire and though I danced in the flames I made it through. I haven’t gotten quite as far as I want and there are still challenges to be overcome I am confident I will find a way because it is what I do.

There are options in life and they go like this: “Do or do not.”

Yeah I just quote Yoda but that little green Muppet is a Jedi master and wise.

I am not the guy to just lie down and let things happen. It is not always easy to wander through the forest at night without moonlight or a torch because you haven’t a clue what is pulling at your legs or why that scrape suddenly appeared.

Nor are you always sure you are heading in the right direction but sometimes that is how life is. You move forward and take your best guess.

I feel pretty good about it because I found a way.

********

  • This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post (in the sidebar).
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

The Golden Age of Blogging

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Sky Walker

I have bad news for you. You missed the golden age of blogging. You are too late. The best of times has come and gone and now all you have are the remnants and left overs of the great society that once was. I probably should be kinder and gentler. I probably should be nicer and not tell you that things would be different if you had started sooner.

If you had been smarter, faster, more agile and more progressive you would have figured out that this Internet thing was going to take off. You would have secured cool domain names like “Internet.com, “news.com,” and “business.com” long ago. It really is a shame that you missed out on that.

You really should feel badly about it. There is a reason that you feel like you are on the outside looking in. There is a reason why your blog doesn’t get as much traffic as the next guy. And it doesn’t matter if you attend every major blogging conference because we have already established the cliques and cool clubs. You don’t know the secret handshake and you can’t be a part of us because we won’t let you in.

So you’ll sit there looking up at us- the professional bloggers who are making a million dollars a year and our friends the cool personal bloggers who are beloved by all. You’ll stare at us and ask yourself why? You’ll curse your dumb luck and blame us for keeping you down because we know how to game the system better than you do.

Because it isn’t fair that we aren’t as talented as you are or as smart. It is not right and completely unreasonable to ask you to suck it up and accept your place in the lower caste. But that is what you are going to do because you don’t have a choice.

Or do you.

Maybe the golden age of blogging hasn’t passed. Maybe old Chucky Dickens was right about it being the best of times and the worst of times. Maybe what he really meant was that life is what we make of it and so are our blogs.

Call me a cockeyed optimist with an overindulged imagination and frantic fingers that can type more than 200 words a minute but I know from experience that this really is what you make of it. Find your community. The blogosphere is built upon the backs of millions. There is no reason why you cannot find like minded individuals to hang out with.

Don’t wait to start writing. Do it now. Take your pencil and scribble some lines down on the back of a napkin. Write about what you would do if you woke up and discovered that you were a giant cockroach. Proof it once or twice and post it.

Be true. Be real. Be authentic. Be consistent. Be there and people will come. Try not to worry about whether the big bloggers know your name. The old saw about not putting all your eggs into one basket is true here too.

Don’t fear blogging. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Write and enjoy.

If the words above don’t resonate with you or make sense than maybe the next few lines will.

Success in blogging is subjective. For some people it is based upon generating revenue and others it is based upon comments. If you want to be successful you have to identify what success means to you. It sounds obvious but many bloggers forget to do it.

Once you define success you can build a road map to reach whatever plateau you are striving for. Or you can let fear and insecurity rule your world.

The choice is yours.