Archives for August 2013

Bacon Products That Don’t Taste Like Bacon

Yes, I Have No Bananas

I can’t speak for you but it feels like there is a sudden proliferation of bacon flavored products. Toothpaste, donuts, soda, syrup and envelopes and more are all available for consumers to purchase.

Since I am a smart businessman I am going to start the revolution of selling bacon and assorted other products that don’t taste like bacon. It is a market whose time has come and I am just the man to fill that need.

My guess is that more than a few of you are going to be the like the world famous Shmata Queen who is certain to ask me 872,832,933 questions about why I decided to write this and then complain when I answer with ‘Why do you need to know?”

Did I mention she loves when I answer a question with a question?

It All Began With A Facebook Status Update

Ginithesquirrelhunter

Nancy challenged me to turn the update into a blog post and if you know me you know if so inclined there is nothing I can’t turn into a blog post.

So I said sure, Gini will stop leaning in long enough to learn that I blogged about her love for all things squirrel and concede that Jack Bauer would love to live with me in a warmer climate where he doesn’t have to slog through snow half the year.

You might wonder if I ever learned about the wrath of a woman and you might ask yourself if picking on Gini and the Shmata Queen is a wise thing to do and I would ask you to share your favorite food and favorite song with me.

Look, here is something bright and shiny and since we all spend 918 minutes per day on the Internet and or checking our smartphones I am not worried because our collective inability to focus is what we’ll save me.

Now what is it we were talking about?

Did Google Slap You Too?

Traffic around here has taken a major hit recently and I haven’t figured out yet if it is because one of the recent Google updates had a negative impact on things or if it is because things naturally slow down around the end of summer beginning of school.

That could be it.

Wouldn’t surprise me.

Because it can’t be the content. You love the content here. I don’t write for SEO. I don’t stuff paragraphs with keywords or phrases about how I am the original dad blogger who helps monetize your blog and is a social media expert who can teach you how to write headlines that convert.

I would never do such a thing.

I might ask you to follow me in all the cool places I hang out on. Join the Facebook page and talk with me on Google Plus.

Or I might go the unfiltered side and share some risque stories with you about how blogging can make you a better lover, increase your girth, worth, size and triple her satisfaction.

That last part was all in reference to your financial portfolio which as we all know is of critical importance because one day we all might want to retire.

What About The Pictures?

Oh, so you want to know about the pictures of me in my sports car on my fabulous vacation? Well I told the Shmata Queen I wasn’t going to share those just yet and you know that I moved heaven and earth to make her happy so you wouldn’t really ask me to poke her now would you.

Really, the woman doesn’t like to fight and is already frustrated because I beat her in Songpop with ease and I am too fast and agile to hit with that enormous black purse.

But if you insist on knowing more about things I suggest you read:

Got to run now, it is squirrel training time. See you in the comments.

Paul McCartney Gave Me Wings

Fire Extinguisher For The Budget Minded

I am troubled because I received another email in which I was excoriated for not being as funny or wise as other bloggers. They complained because they don’t think scatological humor is funny and they said I am full of crap.

Well when you have a dysfunctional digestive system as I do you can proudly say that you really aren’t because well your body does its best to expel things as quickly as possible.

That might be considered TMI for some of you but I know at least a few of you are fan of the crap flinging monkeys that inhabit our fair land and you are interested in finding out how what sort of connection there is between Sir Paul and a blogger who has made like a Band on the Run towards the nearest toilet.

Be Kind To Your Behind

But before you get to hear the down and dirty you need to know that I am one of the brand ambassadors for Cottonelle. That means I am getting paid for the crap you are reading about here but the opinions are mine.

So now you and the fine folks at the FTC can wipe the sweat off of your brow or nether regions and rest comfortably knowing what is being talked about whenever you see the hashtag #LetsTalkBums.

Now that we have cleaned and or cleared that up you should expect to see more from me on this topic and you might even learn why you need to have a fire extinguisher next to the toilet.

Sometimes that spicy food is really hot.

Anyhoo, the lady with the cool accent in the video below will give you more insight into what it is all about.

Dear Universe I Am Dancing In The Dark

Candle Light

5 Songs:

Dancing In The Dark- Bruce Springsteen
Dead Man’s Party- Oingo Boingo
Don’t Give Up- Peter Gabriel
Don’t Tell Me-Blancmange
Don’t You (Forget About Me)- Simple Minds

Dear Universe,

It is your old friend Jack checking in again. Been a while since we had a to heart-to-heart and I think it is time we have a sit down to figure out why some things are the way they are.

Don’t worry, this isn’t the kind of Tony Soprano sit down where you have to worry about getting whacked. You are the universe and I am just an ordinary Joe who has developed a particular set of skills that aren’t serving me the way I want them to.

I am told that things happen for a reason and that all will work out as it should but I am also told that there is free will involved so even though all will work out as it should there might be a variety of things that happen before and during while things work out as they should.

Don’t know about you but that reminds me of the news that the double stuff in Oreos isn’t quite double.

Forest Fires, Riots and Earthquakes

Ok universe I am sort of betwixt, between and bemused by the crap you are pulling. Remember you put me through multiple earthquakes, the LA Riots and had me evacuated from a forest fire.

You have made sure that I understand what it means to be punched in the mouth, kicked in the gut and slapped in both the literal and figurative sense and let us not forget heartbreak.

Because you made sure I learned about that too, can’t decide if this makes you a sick motherfucker or a great teacher because all of this has helped me understand and appreciate the sweeter side too.

That sweet side outweighs and most of the time overwhelms the negative crap. No doubt that on the plus/minus register the pluses outweigh the minuses and that life is pretty damn good.

But you know I don’t just let things go. You know that when I am attacked by the crap flinging monkeys of life I will reach down and throw it back at them.

It is not a matter of being a tough guy or not taking shit, but my unwillingness to always accept what is said or handed to me.

Why?

Why don’t I just accept things? Well universe you are to blame for that. You taught me to ask questions and to push back. You taught me to stand firm and hold on when things are hard because they change.

And that is why I ask some of these questions because when things don’t make sense I try to figure out if there is a reason why. Sometimes there is.

Some things don’t make sense and I don’t waste time trying to figure out why but that is not how it is with everything. Sometimes they don’t make sense because people don’t want to do the work.

Sometimes they take the easy way out and say “because” for no reason other than it is easy.

Well universe I have gotten pretty good at doing things the hard way and not always because I like or want to. But it has helped me develop a good work ethic and an unwillingness to accept certain things.

Don’t tell things happen because G-d has a plan that I can’t understand because my capacity for understanding is pretty damn deep and that sounds like me telling my kids “no” because I am exhausted and can’t offer any other explanation.

And if G-d exists and is all powerful then he doesn’t get tired or exhausted so…

Musical Intermission

Here is another five songs:

Dreams- Fleetwood Mac
Eight Miles High- The Byrds
Eleanor Rigby- The Beatles
Elysium- Gladiator Soundtrack
The End- The Beatles

So What

Ok universe, you all powerful, mystical and mighty something or other– stop saying ‘so what.’ Stop rolling your eyes and asking me to climb mountains so that some scraggly bearded yogi can give me some sort of wise sounding answer to the mysteries of the cosmos.

I asked you before and I am asking you again to give me a straight answer as to what you expect/want me to do. Yeah I know I don’t listen to anyone and that I march to the beat of a drummer who has no rhythm but trust me when I say it will be better for both of us.

Good Vibrations- Breaking Bad While Breaking The Blog

Hadyakh

5 Songs:

Tougher Than The Rest- Bruce Springsteen
Good Vibrations- The Beach Boys
My Way- Frank Sinatra
All I Ask Of You- Phantom Of The Opera
Tunnel Of Love- Bruce Springsteen

“it ought to be easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you’ve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above
if you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love”
Tunnel of Love– Bruce Springsteen

It is not nice to refer to the upstairs neighbor as Fat Boy but I am sleep deprived and fed up with listening to his footsteps at all hours of the night which is probably why my banana plan is beginning  to sound like a good idea.

The kid isn’t fat but he needs a nickname and Stampy is already taken as are several other good ones but pretty soon he is going to be Gimpy George the recently disabled dude from Texas.

It might not be how Walter White would handle things but he is far too human for me to pretend that he is a Walker which limits the things I can get away with doing.

Since this is Texas I am tempted to don my black hat, knock on the door and explain to him that this town isn’t big enough for the both of us but even here the law frowns on that.

Breaking The Blog–Again

Telephone rings and my son and I get involved in a long talk about life. He wants to know if he has ever seen me really lose my temper and how many fist fights I have had.

I tell him if he wants to see me lose it he has to come watch me do battle with the blog and then he’ll see a side of dad he barely recognizes. But I also tell him he’ll get more than a glimpse of how dear old dad will fight to the death because he doesn’t give up…ever.

Ok the fight to the death doesn’t exactly apply to a battle between the blog and I but damn if I didn’t want to kill it. Every day I take a hard look at this sucker and try to figure  out what sort of tweaking it might need to make it better.

“Dad, did you just call your blog ‘a real motherfucker?’

I pause and tell him that I must have been thinking out loud and he laughs. I tell him I am sure he must be out of earshot of mom because I know he wouldn’t speak that way in front of her and he laughs.

“You know sometimes I use colorful language but I know when to mix it up and how to use it for effect. Think about that for a bit. This blog and I have been battling each other because it is not working properly.”

Comments Evolved and Comments Lost

Got a few emails from folks who told me they couldn’t comment because of technical issues and decided I was fed up again with CommentLuv.

Sometimes I love it but the tech issues with people not being able to comment combined with a proliferation of questionable comments made me decide to turn on Comments Evolved.

My doppleganger tells me it is a good system and that it has helped expand his reach but that was only part of the reason I turned it on. The proliferation of questionable comments made me crazy again.

That refers to people who post comments on old posts but no where else. Allow me to offer more detail.

Someone places a comment on a old post about the joy of air travel. Their comment is reasonable and in concept adds to the conversation but I take issue with it because it links to a business that caters to people who need help with travel.

That appears to me to be someone trying to gain some free advertising so I nuke their link.

If they were a regular member of the community I might let it go but they aren’t and they never show up any where else. That won’t fly with me.

cpanel

Have to upgrade my PHP to make Comments Evolved work so I dive into cpanel and start messing around under the hood of the blog. Kind of enjoy it because it reminds me of working on my Camaro and my Dart.

Like getting my hands dirty and I like the combination of using my head and hands. Takes a bit of doing but I get things moving the way I want them to and now I get to sit back and see if I made things any better or if perhaps I might have made them worse.

Either way I feel good and if you saw the smile on my face you would know that I feel like good things are coming cuz I got those Good Vibrations running through me.

And Then Came The Broken Promises

"i live to let you shine."

5 Songs:

The Wrestler– Bruce Springsteen
Tuesday Afternoon– The Moody Blues
Kashmir– Led Zeppelin
Barton Hollow– The Civil Wars
A Kiss To Build A Dream On– Louis Armstrong

It is winter in Santa Monica and I imagine that you are out there somewhere, don’t know your name or where you live but you are out there. Maybe you are like me and you think nothing watching the sunset on a warm winter’s day in Santa Monica.

Couples walk down the beach arm in arm and I wonder if one day that will be us and then laugh, because I haven’t a clue if I will ever get married so the idea of there being an us is sort of funny.  But at twenty I am not concerned with whether one day I will get married and am barely concerned about having a girlfriend.

That is because I have a woman who is happy to help keep my bed warm and though she would like to hear about my day I don’t get any grief if I don’t talk about it and that is good.

School is out for Winter Break and at the moment I am enjoying sitting here by myself. It is quiet and it gives me some more time to think about whether I want to go to law school or go a different direction. Either one is good with me because I know whatever I do will work and success will follow me.

Twenty Years Later

Twenty years later I am back in Santa Monica and am walking along the beach to clear my head. Life is different than I had expected it to be and I am just beginning to see how dramatically different it could be.

Different isn’t necessarily code for bad or for worse but I haven’t quite decided yet how I feel about everything. That is because I am processing everything that has happened.

I am married with two kids, have a house and in many ways am living the so called American Dream. Except my dream is different than the one I heard and saw growing up.

We are fighting two wars and the wounds from that and September 11 are still felt all over. And then because we don’t like little problems we are in the middle of the worst economy since the Great Depression my grandparents went through.

Some friends have died from a variety of cancers, several have gotten divorced and a bunch of us are fighting to hold on to our houses.

Out With The Boys

It is noon and a group of us have assembled at a local diner. Under other circumstances this wouldn’t be remarkable except it is during the week and normally we would all be working, except none of us has a regular job anymore.

The economy and life have taken a bite out of our collective asses and we are gathered in large part to support each other. It is a chance to help prop each other up so that we don’t feel like a the losers and fuck ups we once pointed at. Life has humbled us and we are doing our best to keep up our spirits.

It is not easy for a host of reasons not the least of which is our circle also contains people who haven’t felt the wrath of the recession. They are still going to Hawaii or Europe or Hawaii and Europe for vacation.

Housekeepers, nannys, private schools and luxury cars are not dreams, they are reality. The boys and I are good about not comparing ourselves to them because we didn’t have the housekeepers or luxury cars and don’t care. We miss the vacations and the ability to set aside reality but what we miss most is not having to worry about how to pay the bills.

We swear we will get back our on feet and that this will not be how we are remembered. And then we wonder if karma is bullshit because so many of the people who are doing well are obnoxious assholes.

A Handful Of Years Later

I am walking down the pier thinking about all that has happened. The twenty-year-old is long gone but if I listen closely I can hear the faint echo of his voice.

We are all working again and have made much progress on the promises we made to ourselves and each other but we all have a little voice inside our heads that reminds us of how dicey it once got.

But maybe it is more appropriate to be walking by the carnival games and listening to the sounds of the surf and laughter. It is hokey but those games are like life, you don’t win a prize if you don’t play the game.