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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Archives for September 2014

The Best Defense Is A Good Offense

September 23, 2014 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

bestiality boy2
How many blog posts have headlines that reference Mel, the chef on Alice. Actually I am not sure if Mel actually said the best defense is a good offense or not but if he did Flo would have said to kiss her grits.

But for the sake of the post I’ll share a story about my youth and one about the present.

My mother tells me when I was a wee lad I went through a phase where I would walk up to other children, introduce myself and then hit them. I’d say I was a hit on the playground but it is an awful pun and my mother wouldn’t appreciate it.

There are still a few moms who think I am an awful child but as a kid of the 7os I am happy to ask if any of them actually paid attention to what we kids were doing because in those days you could send your kid outside while you popped a couple of Valium and smoked Virginia Slims with your box of wine.

I’ll let you decide if I am exaggerating or not.

When my mother asked me why I hit those other kids I told her I was worried they were going to hit me so I hit them first. No, I wasn’t paranoid at all, they were out to get me.

Anyhoo…

About The Offense And The Defense

Earlier this week a dude decided to mix it up with another dad blogger and we unleashed the hordes upon him. Let me tell it is a frightening sight to see 983,322 men wearing cargo shorts and carrying parenting gear come running at you.

The sounds of the huffing and puffing from the well padded are barely heard by those bastards who still wear the same size 32 inch jeans they wore in college.

We carry a variety of armor and ordinance with us. The diaper brigade is armed with biological weapons while the Toddler crew uses Thomas The Tank Engine rifles that uses fat conductor caliber shells.

Those are pretty nasty, but not as bad as what happens when you step on one of the Lego mines with a barefoot.

But none of that compares to what happens when the older fellas roll out the angry teenage girls brigade. I have seen grown men run in the opposite direction of those eye rolling, laser eye glaring look of death throwing girls.

Anyway, your old friend Jack not being of sound mind or body doesn’t always exhibit the common sense or maturity a crotchety old men has earned so during these dust ups you can sometimes find him at the center.

This week was no different.

I know. I should hang my head in shame for jumping over the bridge to troll the trolls but sometimes an almost middle aged man feels the need to show the young bucks he can still run with them.

And that my friends is part of the reason why the picture from my statcounter is up there.

One of those trolls spent almost two hours checking out my blog.

The Past Meets The Present

It is possible it was an innocent visit and that the dude was just curious to see who the unhinged lunatic was. Perhaps they were trying to ascertain if I was in a beserker rage.

You can’t blame them. How many times have you seen a father wield strollers in either hand with the sort of skill I do.

It would be pretentious to say it is all natural so I won’t say it but I do have lots of practice. I have been known to change diapers one handed, while holding vomiting toddlers and keeping a watchful eye on the three other kids that are having a pretend lightsaber fight.

I was prepared in advance for such a thing, so the kids knew that when dad said he was using the Force on them they had to pretend to be frozen in place for at least 90 seconds.

Of course 90 seconds is 30 seconds more than I need to change a diaper so that left me with ample time to enter the fray with my own lightsaber.

I was a whirling dervish out there which is probably why that other parent’s kids entered the battle. Everyone wants to take on the best and if they hadn’t been cheaters they would have acknowledged I won.

Anyhoo I thought about the visitor and wondered if perhaps they were going to launch their own attack upon me. The one they unleashed upon the other dad blogger was a poorly written and pathetic attempt at parody.

So I thought that maybe they might try the same thing with me and then I decided they would never do such a thing. Except there was this little voice that yelled at me that maybe I was wrong.

Echoes from more than forty years reached through the decades and said “better safe than sorry” so I shrugged my shoulders and screamed “BATTLE!”

Ok, I didn’t scream but I thought if he did try to launch his own poorly written parody of me I would be ready for it by putting out a post that showed I own real estate inside his head that I picked up for free.

No one spends two hours plotting unless they really like the reading in which case ignore all the stuff that came before this and accept my gratitude.

Either way I win. Woohoo!

Filed Under: Narishkeit

Do You Miss Old Fashioned Blogging?

September 22, 2014 by Jack Steiner 27 Comments

What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn’t happen much, though. • J.D. Salinger

Our waitress brings two large beers and a flat bread pizza the menu calls an appetizer but probably should be considered a meal. We raise our glasses, toast to each other’s good health and dig in.

She sees me watching the ballgame on an overhead television and asks me if I know she is there. I tell her I always know when she is around and when she isn’t and offer to describe her entire outfit, complete with undergarments.

The smile on her face makes it clear that I don’t need to take the eye roll seriously and I remind her that I look at everything around me because I hear and see stories everywhere I go.

“You should write about them more. You don’t write as much as you used to.”

“I probably write more than ever before, but I don’t update the blogs like I once did. Sometimes I miss the old days. Remember when we both used to be bloggers and how different it was.’

“You are a natural writer. It is hard for me and I hated trying to keep up with all of the comments.”

It makes me laugh to hear that. So many bloggers want to be in that position but she found it to be a task. The thing is, I know she isn’t trying to brag and means what she says. It is probably tied into why she quit.

if you expect to succeed as a writer, rudeness should be the second-to-least of your concerns. The least of all should be polite society and what it expects. If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered, anyway.• Stephen King, On Writing

Halfway through my beer I am looking around again and pointing out some of the other patrons. I am making up stories about who they are and why they are there.

Secret lovers, old married couples, high school boys trying to fool college age waitresses into bringing them beer, spies, business people and ranchers who tired of eating from the chuck wagon.

“How do you come up with so many stories? You are such a bullshit artist.”

I smile and thank her for the compliment.

“You know I don’t mean it that way.”

I nod my head and tell her I know.

“You know how you love math and how the numbers just make sense to you. The way you see numerical patterns and logic? Well that is what I see in my head except instead of numbers I see letters. It is like giant puzzle where I just put the pieces where they should go.”

The waitress interrupts my explanation and asks if we want another beer and I laugh.

“I am unfiltered without any help.”

She gives me the kind of smile that is reserved for drunks who don’t recognize they aren’t making sense anymore. I am tempted to tell her that I am not even buzzed, let alone drunk but there really isn’t any point.

“You are old enough to be her father. She is not going to pay any attention to you.”

It makes me snort and this time I roll my eyes.

“I have no interest in her. I am here with you and let’s not forget that if I were here father I would have been lucky to have been 14 when she was born. Come to think of it at 14 I would have loved to have said I was doing the kind of thing that would make a baby, but I wasn’t one of the cool boys.

A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading. • William Styron, Conversations with William Styron

I haven’t read any of Styron’s books but I agree with him. Maybe it is because I seem to naturally pepper many of my stories with layers upon layers of tale or maybe just because it makes sense.

Doesn’t really matter much why it resonates with me because I am a believer in following whatever inspires you. If you can’t put passion and personality into your work it won’t matter because the plate you serve will be too dry for consumption.

It makes me think about the television shows that I have been watching and the movies that have grabbed my attention. The antiheroes who don’t always do the right thing capture my eye.

I watch them move from outlaws who do dark deeds to men who fight to protect and provide for their families and think about how much more interesting it is to see them than to watch a guy save the day and do so without ever stepping outside the law.

It makes me smile thinking about the shades of gray because it feels more honest. That black cowboy hat I like to wear fits me in more than one way.

Sometimes I wear it and wonder if people think me a poseur but and then wonder if real outlaws ever worry about what others think. The ones I watch on the screen do but if they didn’t it would be harder for the average Joe to relate to them.

No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader. • Robert Frost

“You know what scare me? My best writing almost always seems to spring from strong emotion. Anger, sadness, happiness– they all make it easy to tap into the words. Sometimes I worry that I can’t write without that. I wonder if that is why writers drink.”

My eyes don’t leave hers because I want to see if she really believes what she says.

“I have seen you write. It is effortless and it is not always from that place you describe. I am not always there when you write. Are you drinking more than I know?”

“No. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t. The joy of a dysfunctional digestive system makes it hard. Drink too much and I visit my other office.”

She smiles at me and we move on to other topics. There is never a lack of things to talk about and never enough time.


stockyard

Later that night I get lost in thought about having intentionally left the highway to ride down the road not taken.  The woods I wander through are still lovely, dark and deep and I keep going with or without the moonlight.

Ask me if I miss old fashioned blogging and I’ll nod my head, might even say ‘aye’ with my best imitation of an Irish brogue. The best days of blogging have always been those spent telling and reading stories.

Sometimes I think they are gone and sometimes I read or write something that reminds me that the magic may not be as obvious as it once was but if you know where to look you can still find great gobs of it leaking like syrup from maple trees.

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Filed Under: Blogging

When Dad Bloggers Howl At The Moon

September 21, 2014 by Jack Steiner 1 Comment

* Howling at the Moon *

It sounded like six shots in the night. Six different moments laid one next to the other, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop…pop.

Was that what I heard or was it a car back firing?

Seconds before I finished an episode of Sons of Anarchy, number 11 in season 6. Maybe the violence in the show affected my interpretation of a car backfiring but somehow I doubt it.

Safe neighborhood or not sometimes things happen and six shots if that is what they were is not indicative of danger but still I made a quick loop of the house and checked the place out.

The 22 pounds of sleeping mutt led me to believe no one was close because he loves to bark when anyone approaches but still it made me think, reminded me of the Reaper video that so many have shown on Facebook.

I watched that Reaper chase people and wondered why no one turned upon it. Wondered if I am the crazy one for thinking about standing my ground and not being chased in that manner.

Friday afternoon another boy put my son in a headlock and refused to let go. It took two elbows to the ribs for the kid to release him. The situation was handled and my son pulled himself out of it, but I still wrote the other father.

He apologized for the behavior of his son and I told mine that we would let it go.

“It is not a problem until it is.”

“What does that mean dad?”

“It means we give him the chance to show that it was just a silly misunderstanding because that is what I think it was.”

“What do I do if he does it again?”

“You defend yourself and you make it clear that there are severe consequences for his laying his hands upon you. No one is allowed to do that. You asked him to let go and he didn’t. He is lucky nothing worse happened.”

When Dad Bloggers Howl At The Moon

When I was in 8th grade I would have been horrified if my father had gotten involved the way I did. It would have made things worse for me which is precisely why I hesitated to get involved here.

But the headlock happened on the Friday and the things that led up to it took place on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Friday was the culmination of misbehavior.

Thirty-two years after my entry into 8th grade it was ok for me to insert myself. The response I got from the other dad was appropriate and I really do feel comfortable with it but I still needed to make sure my son knew we have his back and that he is to defend himself.

I don’t want it to be with his fists but there are times when it is appropriate.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
― Dr. Seuss

It is too bad the good doctor isn’t here for I would like to speak with him. I would love to sit down and talk to him about creating. I would love to speak with him about his process, his ideas and his thoughts.

I would like to talk to him about writing children’s books and his time as a political cartoonist. I would like to tell him how much that quote above resonates with me because right now life feels complicated.

It feels more challenging than normal and yet it feels easier. It is a contradiction I feel inside, which I suppose fits with complicated questions and simple answers.

These moments that pass in which I wonder and worry are accompanied by a sense of everything working out provided I just let go and have faith. It reminds me of kayaking down a river. I don’t know where or when I am going to put to shore but I know the boat will carry me and as long as I keep my eyes open I should be able to steer around most of the rocks and tree roots.

Maybe I don’t have as much control as I might like but I can be the captain of this ship or conductor of the train and avoid the wreckage.

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”
― Stephen King

The Jewish New Year approaches, soon it will be Rosh Hashanah and perhaps this is part of why I feel unsettled. It happens around this time of year, reaches back into my childhood.

I first started exploring it in blogging when I was part of my first group blog. Every year I think about it and the impact of my actions. I suspect if I really dug into what I have written about time of year I would see an evolution in my thought, or so I hope.

It would be good to see growth.

Last year I wrote How Often Do You Really Face Your Fears?

Many of the things I talked about there still reside inside my mind. I still wonder how many people will go to shul because they fear not to go. I wonder how many will go because of community and how many understand what they say.

At some point I’ll have another discussion with friends about Unetaneh Tokef and ask again if they know the words in English.

“On Rosh Hashanah will be inscribed and on Yom Kippur will be sealed how many will pass from the earth and how many will be created; who will live and who will die; who will die at his predestined time and who before his time; who by water and who by fire, who by sword, who by beast, who by famine, who by thirst, who by storm, who by plague, who by strangulation, and who by stoning. Who will rest and who will wander, who will live in harmony and who will be harried, who will enjoy tranquility and who will suffer, who will be impoverished and who will be enriched, who will be degraded and who will be exalted.”

The purpose isn’t to demean or diminish those who do. I figure if nothing else this is a good time for introspection. Time to shine a light on the darker corners of my mind and see what I find.

Running With The Moon

I am not howling at the moon, now, I am running with it. If there are wolves around I am not worried because they are either part of my pack or smart enough to mind their own business.

Still don’t know what those noises were but I can assure you they aren’t part of one of my stories, there is no fiction here.

A few more days until the chagim, the holidays start and we get to see what the new year rolls out. A few more days until the children and I have another discussion. My guess is they’ll see the video again in Hebrew school and that will be a starting point for another discussion.

I am good with that. It is good for them to think and to be asked why they think as they do.  Thinking is important.

Some of my favorite moments come from these conversations.

It is after midnight here, time for bed. I hope that other boy follows through on his promise.

Filed Under: Children, Life, Parenting

Writing, Music & Breakfast Sandwiches

September 18, 2014 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

emerson courage
Paul Simon is singing about him and Julio doing their thing at the school yard but I am day dreaming about the Hamilton Beach 25475A Breakfast Sandwich Maker.

No, that is not an affiliate link but maybe it should be.

Doesn’t really matter because unless all 9,982 of you decide to buy one I won’t earn enough to take my dear Shmata Queen out for more than a beer.

But I can’t think about that because I am too busy thinking about how if I had one of those sandwich makers I’d be in the kitchen now making a midnight snack. My headphones would be on and I’d be taking advantage of Amazon prime music (listening to Jim Croce now) while I cooked up something special.

Man, oh man, I shouldn’t be able to smell something so tasty when I can’t make it but then again I have the sort of imagination that makes it easy for me to picture almost anything.

To quote the boss in Tunnel of Love:

“There’s a crazy mirror showing us both in 5-D
I’m laughing at you you’re laughing at me
There’s a room of shadows that gets so dark brother
It’s easy for two people to lose each other in this tunnel of love”

Don’t bother trying to make sense of the free form ramblings of a middle aged man after midnight because if you do you might fall down that rabbit hole that Alice got lost in.

Speaking of lost, I lost it today with the kids.

The Angry Father

I rarely yell at the kids, in large part because they are good and it is not needed. But there are moments where my eyes narrow and I find myself losing patience.

It is the usual sort of thing, kids being kids and add that to my having less tolerance for the normal shenanigans it isn’t hard to see their pressing my buttons might lead me to make the windows shake.

Actually I haven’t ever made the windows shake by yelling but a truck passed by tonight while I was reading them the riot act and I took credit for making the windows shake.

Told the kids I was tired of being ignored, tired of feeling like they don’t care about clutter and unwilling to let them live like sloths.

Daughter rolled her eyes at me and I took the book she was reading out of her hands and threw it on the floor. Not my finest moment but I won’t have the eye rolling nor is she allowed to show that kind of disrespect in general.

The kids know if we are talking I better see eyes looking at me and not at phones or iPods.

It is important to me they learn proper manners. I do my best not to talk to them while staring at my phone, the courtesy should flow both directions.

Blogging And Game Playing

Been a part of multiple conversations with various people about how to increase traffic, what sort of metrics are meaningful and exchanging ideas about blogging in general.

Lately these conversations want to make me tear my hair out because an old curmudgeon like me likes blogging because I enjoy writing/storytelling.

While I have done things to monetize the blog, reviews, giveaways and sponsored posts among others I have never played the game as hard as I could.

I haven’t devoted the energy I could to hitting the conferences, reaching out to sponsors and making friends with the right people. I just don’t want to play the game. I like doing this on my terms and when opportunities come my way I am happy to take advantage of them if they make sense but I don’t have the desire to engage in the nonsense I see elsewhere.

Not saying those who do are bad  people. Many of them are very good people and I like them because they are the same person on and off blog. But there are others who just aren’t.

Transition time is taking a lot of energy and focus and forcing me to spend it elsewhere and I am ok with that.

The Courage to Change

If I had known about the sandwich maker when I was in Texas I probably would have bought it. I would have made myself breakfast sandwiches for lunch and dinner too.

Course I did it sometimes without the sandwich maker so you might argue I don’t really need it but I might suggest I want it as a time saver. Our time is limited and I can hear that tick tocking so I pay attention to finding ways to maximize my ability to focus on the key areas.

I love to eat, probably more than I should but right now I could use the few extra minutes it takes to cook those sandwiches by hand. Course if it is healthier to cook by hand it might be worth not spending the money on it.

Then again I don’t have any cash to devote to it so it doesn’t matter.

It is an interesting time because in some ways I am as a poor as I have ever been, cash reserves are rapidly fading but remember the two things I said here:

I am not a fucking tree and I don’t have to stay rooted to things that don’t help me live the kind of life that makes my heart full and my soul sing.

and

in some ways I am more me than ever before.

That means in a short time if I really want to buy that sandwich maker it won’t be a question because this moment in time is like the period where the caterpillar snoozes in his cocoon.

Won’t be long before I’ll break free, spread my wings and take flight.

Listen carefully and tell me if you hear that Yawp.

That’s me.

Filed Under: Blogging, Children, Life

Dad Blogging With Bob Dylan

September 17, 2014 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

forest

Not so long ago I asked What Happens When Nothing In Your Life Goes As You Planned It To but I never thought that so much could have changed and yet stay the same.

Midnight is moments away and Bob Dylan is singing “Lay Lady Lay” and I am lost in the lyrics.

“Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he’s standing in front of you.”

For a moment I hear the echoes of Dylan singing about having your cake and eating it too and I wonder if it is possible or a pipe dream to have such a thing.

If my children asked about it would I tell them it is possible but improbable? Would I push them to rope the moon and reach for the stars or to stay grounded?

Maybe I would speak with them about Dad’s Barbaric Yawp. Maybe I would tell them about what once was, what never was and what could be.

Perhaps would tell them about when I decided time was a bitch and when I realized I wasn’t going to accept that I didn’t like how life had turned out.

Sooner or later we’ll have that conversation and if my gut proves true I will say to them I am not a fucking tree and I don’t have to stay rooted to things that don’t help me live the kind of life that makes my heart full and my soul sing.

It is an important life lesson. They need to understand the difference between being capable of holding still during a storm and the ability to move. Because when we talk about the ability to do what is required it doesn’t mean taking a beating to prove you are tougher than the next person.

I want them to be smarter than I am. I don’t want my thick head and stubborn nature to keep them from seeing the value in rolling with the punches and making changes.

Dad Blogging With Bob Dylan

“May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.”

It has been almost 11 years since I stood next to Bob Dylan at that birthday party and thought about how odd it was to find myself standing next to a little man in a knit sailor’s cap who was and is considered to be a legendary writer and musician.

I hadn’t moved along far enough on my own journey to have thought to ask him about writing. I don’t know that I would have and not because I was intimidated because I wasn’t but because it wasn’t an appropriate setting for him.

But looking back I doubt I would have asked the kind of questions I would want answers to now. I hadn’t accepted that I had made some mistakes and needed to engage in some significant course correction.

I didn’t call myself a writer then. I didn’t think of myself as a storyteller or creative spirit. I was a father with young children who was focused on trying to earn as much as I could so that I could take care of my family.

Life hadn’t taught me yet how finite time is and the importance of focusing on building a career that would fill my heart and make my soul sing. Some of you will read these words and roll your eyes at, back then I would have.

But not anymore.

Now my eyes are wide open and I see things I couldn’t. I know things I didn’t and I am a million miles away from who I was and yet in some ways I am more me than ever before.


Bob Dylan’s music morphs into Johnny Cash’s cover of The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and I am stunned by the beauty of the lyrics while simultaneously thinking about how to write such a song.

This is what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to write. I am supposed to tell stories. I am supposed to create.

It is not a revelation any more but every time I have this feeling I smile and I think about my children and my ole as their father.

“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

My job isn’t to just raise them and teach them right from wrong. It is to give them the confidence, the courage and the strength to experiment.

It is to help them stand tall when they feel weak and to put a hand on their shoulder when they are worried and say that what matters in life are the moments.

To remind them of the importance to do their best to spend those moments with people they care and love about but to also remember that sometimes you can find these moments on your own too.

There is beauty and joy in solitude as well as with a companion.

Joy and s0rrow are two faces of the same coin but only a fool doesn’t look for joy in the journey.

The beauty of having lived a little bit is that you begin to understand and appreciate the world in a way you can’t when you are younger. After you have loved and lost and then loved again you see the world with different eyes.

If you haven’t done these things. If you haven’t lived a bit you might see this as being a commentary about relationships but if you have you might understand it differently.

You might also see it as thoughts about inventing and reinventing yourself.

Maybe both are true or maybe neither. The joy of life is finding meaning for yourself and not for others.

Filed Under: Children, Life

The Sweetest Sleep Meets Storytelling

September 16, 2014 by Jack Steiner 5 Comments

listen to ‘The Sweetest Sleep Meets Storytelling’ on Audioboo

Filed Under: Audio Blogging

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