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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Archives for May 2015

The Most Valuable Part Of Blogging

May 18, 2015 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

1000 miles away
The most valuable part of blogging isn’t as easily defined by a single statement made by a simple writer.

Perhaps it lies in the lessons learned and shared in The Power Of Money- The End of The Innocence or The Song Of My Heart Makes My Soul Sing.

These are the pyramids that contain the hieroglyphic tales of moments in time that changed my life and that of my children.

If you believe that things happen for a reason than I stumbled upon them tonight so that I could revisit the words I once placed upon paper and remember what was or maybe learn what I didn’t get before.

Jack Steiner, The Blog Archeologist

You are invited to join me engage in some blogging archeology. I promise it will be short.

“There is a big difference between need and want. I know the difference because I have had countless hours to think about it.  I have dedicated more than a moment to determining what is and what shall be.

And I am paying a price for it. I am taking a beating in a million different ways because it has to be this way…for now. That is because when you make certain choices in life you find out that as you close doors they lock behind you. You can’t go backwards and there is no exit other than that at the end of the tunnel- so you go through.”
The Song Of My Heart Makes My Soul Sing

And

We all have our filters that influence our experiences which is part of why I laugh when people say they are telling me like it is.

What that really means to me is making sure my children understand that when I refer to a question of dignity it is because I want them to treat people well and not like garbage. I want them to understand what it is like to be a good friend.

I don’t know if they realize how many different life experiences they have had. They have confronted death more than once and learned about letting go. I am working on making sure they learn to know their own worth because it is exceptionally important.

But I would be lying if I said that a part  of me wished that I could protect their innocence from some of these things just a little bit longer. The Power Of Money- The End of The Innocence

The Value Of Digging A Little Deeper

A reader once complained about my approach to writing posts and suggested I work harder to get straight to the point because he said otherwise people wouldn’t stick around to read.

I wrote a polite thank you and explained I had no interest in becoming someone else so that people would like me better.

We all have our personal taste and no one is forced to read anything here…ever.

*****

I’ll beat the dead horse again and praise the value of writing down my thoughts so that I understand better what I think and believe and why.

Those excerpts we read together are giant beacons that I use to mark the moments when I recognized and accepted that I couldn’t live as I was and had to work on moving into the future.

If I hadn’t done that I am not sure I would have ever moved to Texas.

If I hadn’t moved to Texas I wouldn’t be hellbent on doing what it takes to move back. I wouldn’t be focused on chasing some dreams that are of paramount importance to me.

One of the most important lessons I want my children to learn is that if you ever determine you don’t like the life you are living you have the ability to change it.

Sometimes those changes are so big it is impossible not to be frightened by them. It is impossible not to want to stay in your comfort zone and deal with the devil you know.

I used to be that man but I am not anymore.

It sounds like hyperbole but I feel like someone held me by the ankles and dipped my entire body in a giant fire.

You don’t survive that shit by just letting yourself dangle in the flames.

Expectations and Intentions

Some people have asked me to explain myself. They have questioned my expectations and intentions not remembering I don’t owe anyone but myself an answer.

That doesn’t mean I am not capable of providing one but in some cases I refuse to engage because I am not interested in being told why I shouldn’t do something.

Why?

Because the reasons why are the same as being told to wear a sweater because someone else is cold. I don’t do that.

Or sometimes their reasons for trying to sell me on doing something else are based in fear and I won’t let their fear of what might happen prevent me from finding out what could be.

My children know I am the guy who says that good intentions are not a good excuse for stupid decisions. But the great contradiction of life is that sometimes you have to act on good intentions because you can’t know what happens until you do.

My expectation is that I will do my best to be the captain of my destiny and manage my intentions so that I come out on the other side feeling like I did what I had to do to feel comfortable with the life I have chosen to live.

In other words I feel like my current situation is crushing my spirit and my soul is screaming.

You can call that hyperbole or poetry and I won’t waste one moment of thought upon it because I can’t stand still.

I am running with the moon now.

Life Is Not Either/Or

The other thing I want my children to recognize is that life is rarely an either/or proposition.

If things go as I hope the changes I am trying to make will lead to some very good things but I don’t expect all that to happen overnight.

Some of it might take months and some of it might take years. I am good with that.

Nothing wrong with working for positive changes.

The only thing wrong is not working for changing your life for the better is not doing so because you are afraid of what could happen.

What do you think?

Filed Under: Children, Life

Die Blog Die- 983 Reasons To Only Trust Your Lying Heart

May 17, 2015 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

Condom
The rules of the blog dictate brutal honesty but since I am the author of said rules it is entirely up to me to abide by or modify them.

I could tell you about the countless hours I have spent trying to polish the rough edges here so that when you stumble through the archives you’ll find material like Some Old Posts For Your Consideration waiting for you in a manner I consider to be presentable.

It is not because you’ll see quips about writer’s block and how the Shmata Queen called me her favorite dweeb or because I hope you’ll learn about Blogavoidance.

Nor is it because I want you to read 5 Jedi Mind Tricks That Make People Read Your Post because what I am doing is avoiding the things I should be writing about.

What I should do here is fill the pages with all of the frustration and anger I fill now because people relate to authenticity and it might be useful.

A Blog Has Many Purposes

You can’t see me bouncing in my seat or feel the sparks flying from my fingers and that is ok. I don’t need you to.

The point isn’t to garner sympathy or empathy but to use this cyber sandbox I play in to clarify my thoughts and to clear my head.

If you have been hanging around for a while this won’t be the first time you have heard me say a blog doesn’t have to be a recollection of the craziest things your kids did or what happened the first time you flew with a triplets and  no spouse.

Doesn’t have to be to teach you about how to be more effective at social media or how to write a better tale.

Although it could be, one of my favorite posts was about how I made Sister Mary see god and how Father Pete almost walked in on us.

That post was fun to write, generated a bunch of comments and is one that still makes me smile, but sometimes you go a different direction for clarity.

Because sometimes you use the words on the page to illuminate the darkest corners of your mind to confirm your deepest secrets.

I have already written some of them down and deleted them because I saw what I needed to see and learned what I could there.

I may be open and unfiltered but there are limits to how much I am willing to share with you and everyone else. An open door doesn’t mean you get unfettered access and even those who have been given the keys have found their access restricted because sometimes that is just what you need to do.

An open door doesn’t mean you get unfettered access and even those who have been given the keys have found their access restricted because sometimes that is just what you need to do.

To be honest, made me feel a bit wistful and sort of sad but we all protect our hearts as best we can with the understanding that the doors that are closed today can be opened just as easily tomorrow.

Die Blog Die- 983 Reasons To Only Trust Your Lying Heart

If you want to know what scares me about this blog is how sometimes it feels like my best writing comes from a well of deep emotion.

It worries me to wonder about whether I have to be upset to pull the best prose out of me.

A person shouldn’t have to bleed to get to that place but it is not how it always works for me. There are moments where I find that place without having had to make like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk.

It is part of why I spend so much time writing.

The more you practice the easier it becomes to find that place without the emotional assistance.

That reminds me, those of you who are new to the journey probably wonder what is driving some of the craziness flowing from my fingertips so I’ll do my best to give you a short answer.

I moved back to LA from Texas the last week of October 2013 and in the time since I feel like some of the biggest accomplishments of my life have been taken from me.

That may not be true but not because I lied about it but because of perspective.

Perspective is part of why I am writing this down because this is how I step back and try to ascertain if I am acting like a whiny fool or if there is some truth to this madness.

You see I can devise answers that make it clear that I am exaggerating and convince myself fatigue is clouding my judgment but there is nothing worse than lying to yourself about the things that are most important to you.

The day will come when I will tell my children about how that includes being honest about who you really love and who you don’t.

I’ll tell them it will include being honest about what you really want to do with your life and who you want to do it with.

I know the answers to those questions. They are different today than they once were but that is ok people change and grow and the smart ones figure out how to adapt to what comes with that.

How To Get People To Comment On Your Posts

If my children ever ask me how to get people to comment on their posts I’ll tell them that the posts about how to be a better blogger or writer are good for that.

I’ll tell them that simple questions about favorite books, movies and music are good too and point out that sometimes the really personal posts scare people.

We’ll talk again about the importance of clarity and the reasons why you blog, including clarity of mind and purpose.

Maybe we’ll talk about some more about how proud I am of them and how they never cease to amaze me. Maybe I’ll share how careful I became about what stories I shared once they became a certain age so that I could help them gain the ability to create their own digital footprint.

And maybe, just maybe I’ll tell them I hoped people liked my writing and that sometimes it is hard to be so damn intense which is why we work so damn hard to find the things and people that fill our hearts and soothe our souls.

Filed Under: Children, Life

When Fear Makes You Selfish

May 16, 2015 by Jack Steiner 3 Comments

Dare To Be
I have had multiple long conversations with my children about how fear can make you selfish and why it can be a problem.

Some of those talks intersected with discussions about why sometimes it is important to be selfish and how to identify those moments.

I suppose you could also say it is tied into the discussions we have had in which I encourage the kids to be judgmental.

Very few things in life can be classified in black and white terms so it is critical to me to teach my children to live thoughtful lives where they recognize sometimes you need to pick apart what is happening around you so you can pick the appropriate path to follow.

Sometimes It Is Smart To Be Selfish

People use selfish as a pejorative term without thinking about the moments where you need to be selfish about your time and how you use it.

They don’t consider situations that arise where a selfish act doesn’t necessarily result in someone else being harmed by your actions.

Sometimes it is the smart move to look out for yourself first because you have reached a place where you can no longer function well or close to it.

But I am not here to try to convince you, me or anyone else about this.

Today I am thinking about how fear has made people I know act in selfish manners that wreaked havoc upon others.

I am thinking about how that has impacted my life and making a pledge to myself to try to avoid it happening again.

When Fear Makes You Selfish

In concept I should include examples for my readers that enable you to better relate and follow along but I am not going to do that this time.

There are boundaries in blogging and sometimes you maintain those lines because you don’t want to deal with the consequences of what could happen if your words were read by the wrong people.

Those of you who know me well will recognize it is not easy for me to hold back because I am naturally unfiltered and unafraid to tell you what I really think.

But unfiltered doesn’t mean I am stupid, thoughtless and or reckless.

Ok, I have been/done things that would enable me to be described as having been stupid, thoughtless and reckless but a mature person tries to avoid making the same mistake twice.

So why am I writing this?

Because the blog isn’t just a chronicle of tales told about parenting, life, writing and fiction.

It is also a place where I figure out how I feel about some things. It is a place where the words on the page help bring clarity to my world.

And maybe one day it will help my children gain a deeper understanding of who their father is/was.

Today I am writing to remind myself of how I am tired of fear leading to selfish actions that require me to carry additional burdens.

It is unnecessary, intolerable and something that I will fight tooth and nail.

The Life We Lead Vs The Life We Want

That last post Some Jobs Make You A Bad Parent is something I see as a perfect example of the life we lead.

I took the position because I had to and not because I wanted to. Took it and consistently wrote about it with the hope that the words would dull the edge and help me gain a better attitude.

Took it saying it would be a short-term bridge to help me transition from the life I lead to the one I want to live.

It is fair to say some of the rougher edges have received a bit of polish but not enough for me to see it as anything but the bridge.

I won’t wear a sweater because someone else is cold and I won’t commit to doing that which hurts my heart for the long term.

Nor will I allow another person’s fear to dictate all of what I do or how I respond to certain situations.

You can say my response to their fear is fear of capitulating to it so I choose to be selfish because the time has come to look out for me.

I survived the storm that Murakami writes about and I am not the same person anymore. I am still getting to know the new guy, but I like him.

He/I aren’t willing to let fear prevent us from taking chances to live the life we want to lead. Settling time is done.

Not Inspirational

Filed Under: Children, Life

Some Jobs Make You A Bad Parent

May 14, 2015 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

limited time

I am not a member of the Cult of Jobs.

You won’t find me ranting and raving about how anything that isn’t made by Apple is inferior.

I am not a sycophant or Kool-Aid drinker and I have been known to refer to Steve Jobs as Voldemort but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate him or Apple.

But we can save the saint or sinner conversations for a different day when I am not thinking about how I want to say take this job and shove it.

Been there just short of a month and I can’t think of a week that hasn’t gone by in which I haven’t felt like sticking needles in my eyes or throwing myself down the stairs.

Don’t worry, I don’t really want to blind or cripple myself in any fashion. I am just trying to illustrate the strength of my feelings about this position.

Some Jobs Make You A Bad Parent

Some jobs are bad for parenting because of how they impact your time and some are bad because of how they impact your mood.

This one has managed to touch upon both but there is no joy in shouting “Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner” for this achievement.

If you asked me to explain the who, what, why and when you might shake your head and wonder why Old Jack Steiner is going ape shit about this, especially since he was desperate to find something a new gig.

And in response you’d see Old Jack Steiner tell you about gut feelings, intuition and this overwhelming sense that this cannot be anything but a bridge between the past, present and future.

When he wasn’t preening on like an obnoxious fool in the third person he’d tell you about how frustration is fueling his anger and that much of it was focused upon himself.

Yep, I am pissed off with me because this visceral reaction to the position seems to be far stronger than it should be and I can’t figure out why.

I am not married to it nor am I an indentured servant.

All I need to do is find something else.

A Reason To Put On Pants

Maybe part of the reason this position sets me off is because I feel like I was forced to take it and it is not for me anymore.

Maybe it is because of a number of other little details that individually would have little impact upon me but collectively feel like a thousand  paper cuts.

Part of it is the feeling that the work never ends and the compensation isn’t significant enough for me to ignore the extra hours I put in the early morning and evening.

I should be grateful because it does more than give me a reason to put on pants.

It ensures that in the short term things don’t go from bad to “I don’t want to think about it.”

That is a good thing but my gratitude doesn’t wipe out the bad taste in my mouth.

Nor does it prevent me from being short tempered with everyone. I am tired of snapping at the kids about stupid crap that normally doesn’t faze me.

It is not right and it is not fair.

Help Me Or Get Out Of The Way

Had a conversation with some family and friends who suggested I reconsider my position about some of this and told them they need to help me or get out of the way.

And by help I mean they need to understand I know what direction I am trying to drive things and I am not willing to ignore the vision I see in my eyes.

Someone told me that 46 isn’t old and I should relax because there is plenty of time but they don’t get it. They don’t recognize I have drawn a line in the sand.

I have set aside many dreams but some won’t be added to the mix because I can’t do it.

Can’t always plan on a future that might not happen as I hope so I am taking control of the very little I can now.

It is not just because my children deserve better, it is because I deserve it too.

So I am going for it.

********

And now as a special treat I present you with a piece called Jericho.

I met Jericho in a time and place that no longer exist. The people we were are long since gone. Now they drift through time and space in a place that I call memory or perhaps it is just my imagination. If you ask Jericho she’d probably push for imagination. She’d want to say that what I remember has been obscured by my own desire for the future. She’d tell you that it was never as good as I remember it.

But if you took her aside and caught her in one of those moments she’d admit that it was exactly the way I remember. She’d admit that as the queen of low expectations it is easier to think of things that way. She’d tell you that to really remember is too painful, too tragic. So old Jericho set up those walls, long and tall, deep and wide.

She lies in wait behind those walls waiting for the future to come. She lies behind those walls and watches the days pass in front of her. There are some really happy times, some good moments that make her think that she can do this for a while. Good things come and she smiles and thinks that life might not be exactly what she wants it to be, but for now this will work.

And me, well I stand outside and stare at the wall. I stand and look and wonder how they grew to be so tall. Too stubborn or too dumb to give up I continue my assault upon them. Every day I look for a way to breach them. Every day I search for a nook or cranny that I can use to start weakening more sections.

Sometimes I see Jericho looking out at me. Sometimes I see her staring at me, a wistful smile on her face. Sometimes I catch her shaking her head. She wonders if I am going to continue to live in denial about the circumstances that placed us here. But I think that she knows that I am not the sort to give up. I…keep….moving…forward….

I have a mental diary of the tactics I have used to try and breach Jericho’s walls. There was a frontal assault that was used to try and gauge the strength of the defenses. Some progress was made by eventually the defense asserted itself and we withdrew. There were flanking movements that had minor success, but still didn’t amount to much. An attempt to climb over failed as did the tunnel beneath.

In between the attempts I have continued to pepper Jericho with reminders of what could be and paintings of the dream. It has been slow going, but I am ultimately a patient man. Those walls will come down, of that I am certain. What I had to remind myself was that Jericho erected those walls for a reason. I may disagree with the reason, but the smart move is to bide my time.

A well planned siege can work. There is no need to plan my own D-Day.

So I remind myself that the current situation is just a moment in time. A moment in time that can become nothing more than a memory or it can become reality. With this in mind I have made a point of mixing up my tactics. Sometimes I withdraw all of my forces and take some R&R. Inevitably Jericho’s natural curiosity drives her out of the tower and she engages in her own reconnaisance. She always finds me.

Life may be a series of random acts but some things seem to be more than coincidence. It is a discussion that Jericho and I have had more than once. One day I suppose I’ll have the chance to look back upon this life and determine whether I was right or wrong about that belief.

In the meantime you can find me at my post watching and waiting. One day, one way or another those walls are going to come tumbling down.

Filed Under: Children

Summer Fun

May 14, 2015 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

It’s nearly summer, only a couple more weeks to go and we’ll all be basking in wonderful sunlight, dining al fresco and having barbecues every night.  Aliquam mi sapien, ultrices a ultrices non, sodales ut diam. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar.

“There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer.”Ansel Adams

Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Aenean at dui dui, non scelerisque nisi. Morbi ullamcorper dapibus nisl, ullamcorper fringilla eros pulvinar et.

yum

Nulla rhoncus elementum rhoncus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Pellentesque a erat velit, venenatis porttitor mauris.

Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor.

minimal-blogger-04

Aenean at dui dui, non scelerisque nisi. Morbi ullamcorper dapibus nisl, ullamcorper fringilla eros pulvinar et. Nulla rhoncus elementum rhoncus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Pellentesque a erat velit, venenatis porttitor mauris.

Filed Under: Inspiration, Me Tagged With: Fun

Try Something New

May 13, 2015 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

Fusce at risus at lacus laoreet mollis sed id elit. Integer bibendum lobortis velit, eleifend commodo dui facilisis nec. Aliquam mi sapien, ultrices a ultrices non, sodales ut diam. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar.

“There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer.”Ansel Adams

Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Aenean at dui dui, non scelerisque nisi. Morbi ullamcorper dapibus nisl, ullamcorper fringilla eros pulvinar et.

Nulla rhoncus elementum rhoncus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Pellentesque a erat velit, venenatis porttitor mauris.

Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Fusce semper risus eu magna placerat pulvinar. Nullam ac odio non ligula semper auctor. Aenean at dui dui, non scelerisque nisi. Morbi ullamcorper dapibus nisl, ullamcorper fringilla eros pulvinar et. Nulla rhoncus elementum rhoncus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Pellentesque a erat velit, venenatis porttitor mauris.

Filed Under: Inspiration, Me

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