The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for October 2016

How Trump & Clinton Broke America

by 2 Comments

I can’t decide if my headline is real or if it is linkbait any more than I can determine if this election is real or part of some wacky dream.

Can’t decide how to explain to my children how crazy this election is and that when I say I have never seen its like before it is not something I smile about.

They can’t really see two candidates who believe the way to win the election is to hit below the belt and to sling mud as if the person who does it best, hardest and longest is the winner.

Maybe I am just naive or trying to be pollyannaish to say it is not as bad as it looks and that our system of checks and balances will help to right the ship.

Maybe I ought to just jump in my magic Cadillac and sell off to Lothlorien.

car-808376_1920

This Is Not What Sherman Meant

Maybe I am living in lollipop land and I am the one who is confused.

Maybe I need to teach my children to fear everyone else and to strike first because if they don’t the other guy is going to get one over on them.

Nah, I can’t do that, can’t accept it and I won’t.

I have worked hard to make sure they are kids of character and integrity. Worked hard to make sure they understand they are someone special and that their self-esteem isn’t tied up in what others say or think.

We have spent lots of time trying to talk and understand the world is not always a simple place and that there are contradictions people can live with.

I don’t believe in safe spaces and microaggressions and I think the conversations about privilege are a tool many use to silence real discussion.

Sometimes we have to tear off the scabs and have real discussions with people about things that are hard, raw and painful but you don’t get beyond if you never leave the edge of the pool.

They know we need to treat others as we want to be treated and yet what do we see from our candidates but a William Sherman like approach to war.

War is the remedy that our enemies have chosen, and I say let us give them all they want.

I am very hawkish and if we are talking about real war, well I agree with Sherman. When you fight you fight to win but this is an election and not war.

We All Deserve Better

I am not going to give a 1,000 words to ranting about the election or how disappointed I am because if my FB feed is accurate it doesn’t matter.

Clinton supporters are convinced she won the debate and Trump supporters are convinced he won.

Haven’t seen anything about it being a draw or heard much from the middle ground, unless you consider the third party people to occupy that particular place.

It disappoints me not because we can do better but because we deserve better.

Our children deserve to see something more than we have shown them.

I don’t know about you, but the way things currently operate I wouldn’t want my kids to run for president.

Wouldn’t want them to undertake a venture where their lives are torn apart and dissected so that every stupid comment, foolish mistake and or misstep is used to make them look like fools.

There is no room for error here, we keep asking for perfection.

It disappoints me.

There is another way and we can do better.

I am not giving up and I don’t believe the country is one the verge of disintegrating the way some others do because we are a long way from that

But it is time to move from possibility and opportunity and do something more.

We deserve it and we need it.

How To Teach Your Boy To Pee Like A Man

by 2 Comments

Friends, sometimes I forget there was a time when many of the posts you find here were written as a public service.

Yes, way back in the stone age of my blogging career somewhere around 2005 I wrote a post about The Germophobe.

It is a very fine piece that I recommend you take a moment to read because it covers urinal selection strategy and FPS, or “Frightened Penis Syndrome.”

Undoubtedly few if any of our female readers will be familiar with these terms or know much about some of the others covered in the post so maybe this will help shed light on unfamiliar territory.

Some men suffer from FPS, or “Frightened Penis Syndrome.” There is a long clinical description of this in JAMA and a number of other medical journals, not to mention the classic Mayo Clinic study, but rather than get too technical here is a basic description.

In its native habitat the penis is primarily a nocturnal creature who operates with stealth and guile under the cover of darkness. Sometimes when it is surprised it attempts to hide by trying to blend in with its immediate surroundings. In abathroom situation that involves immediately cutting of the flow of urine so as not to make any noise or leave a trail that can be followed by hunters or animals employed by hunters such as the penis hound. But I digress, back to our story.

If you want to learn more about the dread Germophobe and useful tips for how to teach your boys to pee like a man click here.

Go on now, urinal selection strategy is no joke and should be mastered sooner than later.

When Is International Punch-A-Clown-In-Da-Face Day?

by 2 Comments

I was there and I saw what I wanted to see, not what was really happening.

Hope blinded me to reality and maybe even a double dash of ego too because I felt confident that we had turned a corner except we hadn’t.

Instead of slowing down to confirm and look around I sped up and went harder and faster figuring we could adjust on the fly but all I did was make the crash hurt more.

If a friend came to me and shared the full details of the same thing I am experiencing I’d tell them to be kinder and gentler with themselves than I am being with me.

But I am not ready to offer that sort of kindness or compassion to myself yet.

It might come in time, but I need to complete my own internal examination to see what happened and decide what comes next.

fx3kscksrp

When Is International Punch-A-Clown-In-Da-Face Day?

Every day I walk through the woods and spend some time outdoors so that I can clear my mind and exercise my body.

Sometimes I hit the trail right after I have read or watched the news and seen the bit about the people dressed up as clowns that are wandering around the country.

They are making people nervous and I am not entirely sure what we ought to do about them besides be aware they are around.

****

My daughter walks to and from school.

She is smart, capable and independent.

If you see her on the soccer field you’d say she is tough too. She’ll run through you to get to the ball and isn’t afraid to mix it up when she needs to.

Some parents disagree with letting her walk and tell me it doesn’t matter that it is a safe neighborhood and that she goes in daylight.

I tell them they are entitled to their opinion and maintain I have to teach my children how to live in the world and not make them fear to live.

That doesn’t mean I don’t worry or that there aren’t moments where I wonder what kind of father I am.

Moments where I question it all and wonder what the hell I am doing and what the hell is going on.

Most days I don’t let these doubts slow me down or prevent me from doing what I need to do, but there are moments.

Days where I wonder when International Punch-A-Clown-In-Da-Face day is because I would feel better if I could take this negative energy out on some clown.

Maybe it is time for me to buy a new heavy bag. It is a great workout and there is a lot of stress relief that comes with throwing combinations.

Ride That Merry-Go-Round

I had one of those Godfather 3 moments the other day where I muttered something about how just when I thought I was out they suck me back in.

Had to do with the willful blindness I mentioned above and how I feel it is tied into parenting.

A moment where I wanted to scream with frustration because I have worked my ass off to make good things happen and seen the fruits of my labors come with a particular challenge.

A challenge that has made it exceptionally hard to celebrate the victory and feel good about having done something that is going to be so good for my kids.

Because life has a sense of humor and shoved me into a furnace and said, “here’s an ice cream cone. We know it is a zillion degrees so you better eat it quickly.”

I threw the cone back at life.

“I am lactose intolerant you jackass. If I am going to have to walk through the damn furnace I’ll do it, but I am not going to make it harder than it needs to be.”

Had to squint for just a moment, but I could see water on the other side.

bcp6gram79

The joy of riding that merry-go-round are the ups and downs that come with it.

Some days are good, some are bad and some are somewhere in between and they are all part of life.

I figure the bad helps make me appreciate the good more but acknowledge that sometimes it is something I say because it makes me feel better.

But I don’t have any problem with that because we all need to figure out what tools help us get through the darker moments.

I never regret or wish I wasn’t a father but dammit, sometimes it is really hard.

Smart People Don’t Make The Police Nervous

by Leave a Comment

Sometimes I like to walk into a room, climb on top of a table or chair and shout: “And so it begins!”

Please note that if you do this in a coffee shop you might receive the sort of response you don’t want to get…unless you are carrying a bat, mop or sword.

Not that I know anything about this from personal experience, but if I did I might have one heck of a story to tell you.

Where Are the Cameras?

He looked like he was about 25 or so. He was a skinny kid with a baseball cap, some tattoos and multiple piercings around his body. Thirty years ago he would have made people nervous, but not anymore.

That is because half the people you pass on Melrose look just like him. Kind of funny to look at someone who put so much effort into trying to be different and realize they are just another clone.

He was the first to offer a significant response to my challenge. No one cared when I climbed on top of the table. There were no looks from customers nor warnings from baristas to get down.

Blame it on Hollywood. No one notices the weird and unusual. It is just another day in the city.

And so it begins was the difference.

My voice is deeper than most. I don’t have to work hard to be hard and when I raise it slightly people notice. Maybe there was some sort of chemical in the air that went with it.

Maybe it was some sort of primal instinct responding to the challenge issued by the pack leader. I don’t really know. What I can tell you is that he asked me where the cameras were and rushed the table.

That was a mistake. If he had thought about it he might have recognized that I held the higher ground or noticed that my hands are made for hauling iron and his are for more delicate things.

But he didn’t and well I didn’t care. Why should I. I was the one who issued the initial challenge and I was ready.

I knew that he would swing at my legs and try to take them out from under me. I watched it all unfold like it was in slow motion. When he swung his arm I stepped aside and then slapped him on the back of his neck.

It wasn’t supposed to hurt him. That was a love tap. It was a wake-up call and it did all that I asked it too.

He went flying by the table and crashed into the couple who were sitting across from us. I watched him go face first into her ice coffee and giggled when he stood up with a nose covered in whipped cream.

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!”

I know, it is not the most original insult but if it worked for the geniuses of Monty Python that is good enough for me.

Young, dumb and covered in cream roared something in return and came running towards me. It was a mistake. Not only have I watched lots of movies I have seen the videos of the guys who run with the bulls.

The reality is they are running away from the bull and not towards them. That is because when you mess with the bull you get the horns and that works just fine for me.

After all I am a Taurus.

When he charged me I stepped to the side again and placed a well aimed kick into his behind and sent him crashing again into a different table. When he didn’t get up I mulled over walking out of the joint with my head held high, but I just couldn’t help myself.

I climbed back up on my table and yelled, “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!”

Moments later I was armed with a nearby mop and was doing my best to fight off two more young bucks, one of whom held a broom and the other a rather sad looking croissant.

Now I have to tell you that I felt badly for them. I am the guy who beat the flying clown and proved that a salami can be a fearsome weapon.

Anyone with a lick of sense would have ignored me, but not these lads.They had to follow in the sad footsteps of the pierced poseur and that mean they had to go down.

Let’s face it we men have egos and no one wants to gets their butt handed to them in front of some beautiful babes. I know that I don’t and there was no way I was going to lose to a guy who armed himself with a croissant.

Hell, I told Frenchie to just get it over with and surrender but he wasn’t smart enough to listen to common sense, nor was the guy with the broom.

Well it took about five more minutes for me to hand those fellas their just rewards for messing with me, but I did it. And then when it was done I made a point to check them for six fingers.

I figured if the police came I could show them the six fingered man and I would be ok, exonerated of all charges. Sadly neither one of them had six fingers on their hands.

What Makes A Cop Nervous

You know what makes a cop nervous?

Me.

Really, I do. You see they don’t like it when their Tasers don’t work on you, but what they hate even more is when you take their billy clubs away from them.

Unless you are prepared to face the consequences, try not to do it. They act like spoiled children when you take their toys from them. And the whining is simply awful.

So do yourself a favor and don’t try this in public.

I knew what I was doing and was prepared for the consequences if things went south.

But the music was playing and the beat reminded me of all of the years in the ring and all the time spent training.

Can’t say I was on a natural high because I had finished two cups of Joe that had so many shots of espresso you might as well have just injected the caffeine straight into me.

I figured anyone who accepted my challenge and came at me was fair game and that was how I played it.

Until that day I didn’t have a clue that a Taser wouldn’t work on me. When they shot me with it I figured that it was faulty equipment.

And the reason I took those billy clubs away from them wasn’t so that I could use them but to even the playing field.

If you want to fight the bear or the deer isn’t it more fair to give them the gun or see that no one uses one.

That is all well and good except smart people don’t make the police nervous because when they do things happen.

(This is a work of fiction that originally ran here. Minor adjustments have been made to it.)

I Need A Better Password Manager

by 2 Comments

I have too many passwords and the iron trap memory that I pride myself upon is starting to ask me why we are not taking advantage of other resources.

In a perfect world I’d consider hiring Baravelli. He might not be the best gatekeeper but anyone who makes you smile is worth keeping around or at least thinking about.

Take a gander.

The Impact Of Cellphones On Memory

Those of you who remember life before everyone carried a cell phone will appreciate why when some people called me a walking white pages was a compliment.

Telephone numbers and random trivia were always easy for me to remember. If I called you once there was a good chance I remembered your number, definite if it was twice.

But that was then and this is now and things have changed slightly.

Instead of dialing your number and benefiting from the repetition of tapping it out on a touch tone dial pad or even sticking my fingers in the number hole on a rotary phone I just touch your name/photo and the phone does the rest.

In concept, if I enter your number and information in my contacts there is a good chance I might remember it, or at least a chunk, but even that doesn’t happen as often as it used to ‘cuz tech has made it simple to just beam information over.

****

My kids will tell you I have gently lectured them about learning how to read maps because sometimes the map function on phones or the navigation systems in our cars don’t work.

They have heard me say “if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. Exercise your minds, think.”

What I haven’t heard them say is “I can’t remember the passcode to my phone or I can’t remember the password to XYZ”

Does that mean their memories are better than mine or alternatively that mine is going?”

Absolutely not.

It means I have stuffed more than 47 years of information into mine and they haven’t. The giant hole between their ears isn’t filled with as much stuff as mine is.

Or more accurately, I have many more things to worry about and be distracted by than they do.

If they were to ever bust my chops about this memory thing I’d smile and say I love you and then tell them I follow the advice of a very smart man.

einstein-memory

Eat Your Words

Since I share DNA and a bit of an attitude with my children I would expect to hear some kind of retort about how they’ll use that line in school upon their teachers.

Can’t say I would be completely against the idea of complaining about being asked to regurgitate information because I am not convinced being able to do so is of benefit.

I suppose there are some good discussions to be had about what things you should memorize because there are benefits and what doesn’t but I’ll save going down that particular rabbit hole for a different day.

And I’ll confess that I had to erase my iPhone because I forgot the passcode.

That is what led me down this path and started this post.

I didn’t completely forget it or totally screw it up, but I botched it enough times that I got irked and decided to start over.

Since I back up my phone daily I didn’t lose any data, just a few minutes of peace.

And I know for certain that what is behind this is my not being present.

Be Present Where You Are

If you juggle enough balls in the air and are constantly multitasking it is easy to miss things.

That is what happened to me.

Got a ton of stuff going on now, some of which is very taxing and I wasn’t focused on some things so I screwed up the passcode.

If I had given myself a day or at least slept on it I probably would have come up with the code and been fine but I was tired and frustrated.

Some of this crap is wearing me out so I said screw it and just started over.

It worked out because of good planning and being prepared for stupid things happening like tech failure or brain farts like just not remembering something I had done a million times.

I don’t like it and am not particularly fond of struggling to remember some things.

But I am not going to panic about forgetting stuff when eight million other things are happening, that is normal.

Still it makes me think that maybe the great brain could use some simple assistance in some areas, maybe I ought to get a password manager.