Very few of you have ever met me so you’ll have to take my word that shopping for clothes has always been a chore because of my size.

At 48 there is no hiding that I have filled out a little bit but you wouldn’t look at me and say that I am a giant fat man.

Nor would you say I am the tallest/shortest person you have ever met or seen.

No, you’d say I am broad and if you use a little imagination it would be easy to understand how once upon a time my shoulders made it impossible for me to buy shirts and suits that absolutely had to be altered.

Did I mention that my feet are wide? I wear a 12, triple E.

Even though I may have filled out a bit, right off the rack is still a challenge and part of why shopping is a process.

I rarely feel like my clothes fit the way I really want them to.

The Write Thing To Do For Bloggers

Sometimes blogging reminds me of clothes shopping.

There are no lack of ideas, sizes, colors and options but I wrestle with which ones I really like and can’t always get comfortable with the words I wrap around myself.

That is because I can’t write with the sort of reckless abandon and freedom I want to.

Well, I could but there are consequences there that I am not sure I want to deal with.

For example I don’t write about my kids the way I used to because they’re teens and I don’t want to create a situation that embarrasses them.

They and their friends Google each other and I don’t want to be the reason they get teased or messed with.

Sort of reminds me of an old suit I held onto. It is in good shape and it is one I loved wearing, always felt great and it brought me luck.

Well, I can’t get the pants to zip and the jacket sort of fits…sort of.

So I either have to force it or make some changes.

Drop some weight and I can get back in or give it away and move on.

Let’s say I get back into it, will I still feel the same way about it? Will I still love it and think it brings me luck?

Maybe, or maybe it is better not to try and turn back the clock that way.

Maybe it is just better to accept the change, but still work on getting into better shape because that provides other important benefits.

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That Virginia Woolf quote makes a lot of sense to me as all of my experiences inform my writing.

Hell, friends and family who read my material often ask me if a particular post or story is about them or something we did together.

Technically I can write about anything and everything that I have experienced and so there have been times that I have done that.

But the older my kids get and the more I see people Googling each other the more cautious I become about some of it.

Because it impacts others.

So the question I find myself asking is where are those lines.

If I tell you about the time a bear interrupted my girlfriend and I (true story) do I need to worry about her getting upset?

It is almost 30 years ago and as far as I know she has never read a thing I have written. I haven’t used her name and I use a pen name here so it is probably fine.

But the stuff with the kids, well that is different and that is going to be something more recent.

Lines are blurry in some places and clear in others.

Sometimes the words fit just fine and sometimes, not so much.

Things I Could Write About

Some of you ask why I dance around topics and wonder if I’ll do more than dip my toe.

I refer back to blurry lines and privacy as reasons why I don’t go deeper.

It is intentional.

And it is because I am concerned that I won’t provide the depth, feeling, clarity and nuance in my words that I want them to have.

It is because some conversations really need to happen in person and then maybe the words can be written because there is less opportunity for misunderstanding, but it is not a given.

The only given for me is that sometimes we are connected to and with others and it doesn’t matter whether we want to be or not.

The ties that bind keep us tethered and it is up to us to decide whether those tethers are metal chains or a soft feather like substance.

Timing is a funny thing and not always in the “this makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt.”

I can tell you a story or two about how bad timing helped or hurt potential relationships but today I am more concerned about it for professional reasons.

Spent most of last week in meetings on the East Coast and came back with a mixed bag of nuts.

Could be more specific than that, but just in case the powers that be find this post I prefer they don’t hear me asking WTF they were thinking.

Prefer they not know many of us felt like they tried hard to refill our batteries while stealing our mojo at the same time.

I know that wasn’t their intention but sometimes it is just how it goes.

But the real point of my frustration is I came back with one hell of a nasty bug that and have been doing battle with it for days.

What You Can’t See

What you can’t see if me lying in the middle of the road having been run down at least twice by the horses and their mad rider.

All you know is that they beat me silly and I am too dumb and too stubborn to just lie down and take it.

Somehow I struggled to my feet, got knocked down again, got up again and got knocked down and somehow found myself lying in bed covered in muck.

It is not the heroic tale we wish to tell about ourselves but sometimes it is what happens. I’ll even admit I called out not for mom, but mommy.

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Anyhoo, here we are days later and I feel like a shadow of a person but a person nonetheless.

That is progress and I’ll take it while telling you that I am furious about the timing here because I have a big meeting next week and this illness has stolen a chunk of time.

Doesn’t mean that I won’t figure out a way to make things work but there are no guarantees and the hammer upon my skull makes it hard to focus.

The Cost Of Blogging

Your fearless author Old Jack Steiner teaches his children to remember there is a cost for everything.

It is not a lesson in negativity but a reminder for fiscal sensibility and awareness. It is important to pay attention to what we spend money on as well as how and where.

So I try to practice what I preach and remind myself that doing so means I ought to take time to look at the cost involved in some of my hobbies, such as blogging.

Certain things are easy to identify, such as the costs for hosting which reminds me I am not certain that I am getting enough out of Synthesis anymore.

Don’t take that to mean they don’t provide a solid service because they do but I am paying more for hosting two sites than I like.

Hosting doesn’t take into account the cost of themes which for me isn’t bad because although I use premium themes I tend to hold onto them for a while so the cost is amortized over time.

Time

Time is a cost which is why it gets its own subhead.

Our time is worth something and because it is finite I am always cognizant of it.

I pay more than I have to for hosting because I believe the service I get saves me time that I might otherwise spend elsewhere.

And let’s not forget to account for the time it takes to write and publish these posts because that is significant too.

I am faster at composing and publishing than most people but that doesn’t mean there is no cost centered around it.

None of that changes the cost tied into blogging or makes it easier to pretend it doesn’t exist, because it does.

Anyhoo, I have been thinking about how much time I have to invest here quite a bit and I keep coming back to the same place.

Not enough.

Or maybe it is more accurate to say, I still love blogging but not as much as I once did so I am going to have to get around to making some decisions about whether to combine blogs or keep both going.

Decisions, decisions.

I never thought it would happen but it did.

Google slapped me with a penalty claiming I had some funky links that didn’t meet their Terms of Service.

I didn’t expect it because I have done very few sponsored posts and those I did came from reputable companies whose names you know.

Nintendo, Subway, Kenmore and a few others.

I made a point to make sure I disclosed my relationship and went about my business but old man Google didn’t like it.

He/She/It told me about the penalty last October or maybe it was November and said that until I cleaned things up they would not crawl my site.

Since they didn’t tell me what was wrong it took a bit of time to cull through 10,000 posts and guess at what needed to be fixed.

Apparently, I figured it out and was reinstated.

The Great Google War of 2016-17 is over.

Push Forward

I was irritated by the penalty but it didn’t stop me from writing or trying to push forward.

My kids hear me talk about the importance of being relentless and of chasing down our dreams and I do my best to live it.

It is part of why I haven’t been as active here because I have been pushing forward in other places.

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I am a big fan of Teddy Roosevelt…quotes.

If you are among the long time readers you have seen me use a bunch of different ones on numerous occasions.

Ideally, they have done a good job of helping to illustrate a point and or add some depth and layers that wouldn’t otherwise exist.

That has been a part of the push, becoming a better writer/storyteller and I feel like I am making progress.

Stories To Share

Got a bunch of stories locked up inside my head that I want to share but I haven’t figured out the who, what, where and when.

Haven’t decided if I want to do it here or elsewhere.

Haven’t decided if I want to test things out here with my pseudonym or if I should do it under my real name.

There are bigger and more important decisions that occupy my days, but this one holds some weight.

Circle back to the quote about courage and you have my biggest issue.

The other stuff that is going on in my life is tiring me out and my reserves are low so my willingness to put some personal stuff out there is a bit lower.

It is not that I can’t handle criticism, but I kind of don’t want to right now.

That is not a good recipe for success but it is a good excuse for not doing anything right now.

So I am working on balancing things out by giving myself a little break. Doesn’t mean you won’t see anything new here, but it does mean that I might continue to wait to produce some new fiction.

We shall see, in the interim I am exhausted after a long day of Superbowl watching and other stuff so will end this now and say see you tomorrow.