The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Children

Bloggers: About That Parent Blogger Space

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Sometimes you come back from your vacation feeling more tired than when you left.

If you are like me you find that aggravating because a vacation is supposed to be a time for recharging your batteries and renewing your energy so that you can live and not just pass through life.

This last vacation wasn’t of the sort I prefer and though it was fun, it left me feeling a bit drained and I have spent this past week feeling like I am dragging.

It is part of why I haven’t written as much as I wanted to but it is not the only reason.

Some of it is because I am still in that funny place where I want to be part of the parent and dad blogging communities and yet find some of it exhausting.

Why?

It is not because I have shared every thought or told every story, even after 13 years in the blogging game there is plenty to say and share.

But some of the passion for participating isn’t what it used to be and I can’t decide if it is because so many of the bloggers I used to run with have decided to hang up their keyboards or if it is just a moment in time.

What I am certain of is that my place has changed and that I have little interest in the stories about infants, toddlers, breast feeding and all the other young kid stuff.

That is not to demean or diminish any of it because it is of tremendous importance, but I have been there and done that.

My focus is on the middle and high school years because that is where my kids are at and that transition changed everything.

It Is Harder

Those of you with little kids might not like hearing this, but the little kid stuff is generally easier than the bigger.

That is provided we are talking about children who don’t have special needs or major health issues.

It is different when your kids are older and you have to deal with the drama that comes raging hormones, teen drivers, dating and middle school madness.

When your kids and friends are on social media and think it is funny to post videos of themselves doing stupid crap but never think of potential consequences you find yourself in a different position than being sleep deprived.

You might not like the four year-old who doesn’t share but you really aren’t going to like the boyfriend/girlfriend who rips your child’s heart out and there is not a lot you can do about it.

The days of putting them in the crib/play pen/room whatever are gone.

And if we circle back to social media for a moment let’s not forget the kids and their friends sometimes Google themselves and find posts you have written about them.

This hasn’t happened to me because I never used names but I know people who had trouble because the cute story they wrote about a two-year-old was used by other students at school to endlessly tease them.

Outraged By Outrage

I tell people all the time they can’t tell me what to be upset or not be upset about. My feelings are my feelings and I am not a robot.

But there are many moments when I am outraged by the general outrage. In our effort to create more tolerance we create so many moments of intolerance.

I can’t keep hearing about privilege as if it is the only reason good or bad things happen to people.

Sometimes you are a good person or an asshole and it has nothing to do with age/gender or skin color.

It is just who you are.

Live More, Write Less

It is my unofficial motto for 2017.

I am a writer by birth and by need. I can’t stop writing any more than I can stop breathing.

But I can pull myself away from the computer and the phone to focus on living in the moment and experiencing things live.

It is something I have been doing and talking about for a while now.

Sometimes it is hard to put the phone down and not take pictures because I wonder if I’ll regret not having a recorded history of that special moment.

But there is magic that you miss when you spend your life looking through a lens.

Same goes for putting everything down on paper as it happens.

This is a year for reminding myself to live and love hard, but first I need to take a nap or drink some coffee, I am freaking tired.

I need a vacation to recover from my vacation. 🙂

One last note/thought to share.

The Simple & Hard Truths Of 2017

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The Simple & Hard Truths Of 2017 isn’t supposed to be deflating or demoralizing nor is it supposed to be inspirational.

It is a starting point I am going to use to measure/look at the year that follows or so goes the theory and we all know that theories are a work in progress.

  • Teenagers know how to press every button you know about and some you don’t.
  • My closer to 50 than 20-year-old body doesn’t care if age is a state of mind, some things don’t work or respond as they used to.
  • I am mentally tougher than I have ever been and it has everything to do with life experience.
  • Being tough doesn’t mean you don’t get tired, frustrated or feel like you have enough support.
  • I don’t know how to just give up and quit but I have learned how to pivot and adjust.
  • I am a couple of small victories short of feeling pretty cocky about a lot of things.
  • I have the tools and ability to make it all happen, whatever all means.

Tools & A Musical Intermission

I was going to write about picking the right tool for the job, but instead here is a small sample of what is flowing through my ears while I write, work and exercise.

  • 6th Avenue Heartache- The Wallflowers
  • Adam Raised A Cain- Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
  • 99 Problems- Jay-z
  • An Affair To Remember- Harry Warren
  • After Midnight- Eric Clapton
  • Against The Wind- Bob Seger
  • Ain’t Got You- Bruce Springsteen
  • Back In Black- AC/DC
  • Back In The Highlife- Steve Winwood
  • Superstition- Stevie Wonder

Teenage Blues

There is a teenage boy that is making me crazy now because in some ways he is far too much like his father and that hard head of his is leading down the wrong path.

Some people have been riding me about trying to figure out how we got to this place but I refuse to acknowledge their concerns because the timing is wrong.

When you see the car heading for a cliff or a wall you don’t stop to figure out when you made a wrong turn you focus on stopping the damn car first.

Understanding what and how led to that place only comes after you know your driver and passengers are safe.

What is killing me is the feeling this teenager is going to insist on standing in the middle of the fire to prove he can and that he’ll exacerbate things by pouring gas over his head.

It is frustrating because I can’t seem to reach him and in the past I always have.

I hope he hears what I am saying and is being hard headed for whatever dumb reasons adolescents do what they do.

That is spoken by a man who remembers being young and dumb and had hoped to use his experience to properly parent around this moment.

Doesn’t look like that is going to happen and it makes me feel sad and angry, but I am ever the optimist so maybe I’ll be proven wrong.

I sure hope so.

Back In The Saddle Again

Went away for a very short vacation which was a a lot of fun but not nearly as relaxing as I really needed it to be.

I didn’t get as much mental downtime as I needed so I am not entirely ready to be back in the saddle again.

That is the unfortunate truth but as stated in the bullet points above, I am a couple of small victories away from adding some swagger to my walk.

Just need to push a little bit longer and a little bit harder and instead of walking I can strut or sashay around town.

Probably won’t because I’ll feel self conscious and goofy, but it would be nice to feel like I have earned it.

‘Final’ Thoughts

I am going to do my best to remind myself I can only control myself and that I can’t make others do things just because I want them to, no matter who they are.

Hopefully my control will include healthier eating combined with a new exercise regimen.

Don’t mistake that to mean I haven’t been exercising because I have, but I need to adjust it based upon the person I am now and not who I once was.

That is not an easy adjustment but it is doable and once I get things going there I expect good things to come from it.

Happy New Year.

Daughter Stumps Father: Hard Questions

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I am rarely at a loss for words and even if I don’t know the real answer to a question I am fast on my feet and easily capable of providing something that sounds like it might be right.

But there was a moment in time in which my daughter caught me with a question that I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to answer.

It wasn’t something I had ever thought about having to discuss in the sort of detail she wanted so I punted.

“You probably should ask your mother.”

P.S. If you want specific details click on the link above and then come back to read the rest of the post.

We’ll wait.

Daughter Stumps Father: Hard Questions

I thought about it because my darling girl asked me today to share the hardest question she ever asked me and I decided I didn’t feel like having that particular talk with her.

Don’t mistake that to mean I haven’t or won’t talk to her about boys because I have and I will.

But I am certain the “halfway through 7th grader can’t wait to be older” would be horrified if I told her exactly what she said when she was 6.5.

So I redirected the conversation and asked how many boys she is talking to on the school chat and how many she interacts with on Instgram and Snapchat.

“Dad, were you listening to me talk to Kathy?”

I shook my head no and asked why.

“Because I gave her advice for how to deal with Dylan. Are you sure you weren’t listening?”

I smiled and told her no but she said she didn’t believe me.

“You hear everything, even when you don’t look like you are listening, you usually are.”

“Dad has superpowers and super hearing. Don’t forget that.”

She rolled her eyes at me, gave me a hug and asked me to leave her room.

“I want to have girl time with my friends. You can go now.”

Things Are Different Now

Girl time doesn’t mean that she had friends over because in the modern world technology means you can have friends over via Facetime or any number of other video chatting services.

I hadn’t gotten out of the room before the giggling started and muted voices called after me, “Ask her about James” followed by my daughter telling her friend to hush because I might actually ask.

His name is one I haven’t heard before which makes me wonder if maybe there is something to him, at least in her eyes.

I made a point not to react, nor did I ask her about him later. Better to make a mental note to follow up later on.

Too much attention to these things might cause her to shy away, just as no attention might make it awkward later on.

****

I have worked hard to make sure she knows she can ask me questions about anything and have promised to be honest with my answers, and I have been.

But there are moments now where it feels like I am winging it more than ever. That is not a bad thing, just a part of how it goes.

Still if you asked my darling girl, she would tell you it is because things are different now.

All Things In Their Time

I used the quote to prove to my daughter that some things never change.

She sort of rolled her eyes at me, but smiled and I smiled back.

It is a little game she and I sometimes play. She likes to tease me about being old and I like to pretend to fall asleep while she does it because you know us old men need our naps.

****

One of the other old men in my group of old friends called the other day to catch up and to ask a favor.

“Do you want to beat up a 17-year-old boy for me? If I see him I think I might have to run him over with my car..”

“Is death too good for him or will a simple beating with rubber hoses and hammers work?”

He laughed and told me to just wait.

“One day your daughter will have a boyfriend and you’ll be subject to all sorts of fun. She’ll have you on the roller coaster. Heart break to happiness to heart break to happiness and it won’t just be her because her mom will use that as an opportunity to practice her future mother-in-law skills.”

I laughed and told him all things in their time.

“You think you have control, but hormones don’t care what parents think.”

I said he was right because I remember what it was like to be the kid with raging hormones but I figure there is plenty to worry about without being concerned about dating.

The unofficial rule is that it can’t start before 16 but that is sort of a fast and loose decision that was made without any real thought.

Can’t say yet whether it will be enforced or if it will need to be. I just know that as of this moment in time, I still have time and I am going to take advantage of it.

Just Click Your Heels

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It is a traveling day here at the Shack.

Got a quick trip to take and I am a mixture of nerves and excitement. Feels strange to be leaving home to go home.

But I am excited to see my family and looking forward to playing with the dog.

Yeah, I mentioned the dog specifically because I speak with everyone else by telephone or Facetime and that furball doesn’t always respond when I am on camera.

He did lick the phone the other day, but I can’t say it is because he saw my face and heard my voice.

Had he smelled me I would be certain, but that didn’t happen and that is cool. I don’t think I am ready for smells via Internet.

What Part Am I Playing Today

Having made the big move for the job without the family has ensured that I get time to explore some of my roles more intently than I might otherwise do.

That is because when you go from living with people to not living with anyone you find yourself with an enormous amount of time to just sit around and think.

It is a double edged sword because it doesn’t take long for you to start to miss the chaos and confusion that comes along with the rest of the family.

And because you cannot help but think about how fast time goes and that your children don’t stop growing when you are not around.

My oldest is turning 16 this month which means it won’t be all that long before he is out of the house.

Doesn’t matter whether it happens at 18 or 21 because the reality is the bulk of our time living together has passed.

That is a bittersweet thought.

If I have done a decent job raising him he’ll go off and become a productive and self-sufficient member of society.

That is the goal and the hope.

****

My youngest is 12.5 and racing towards 13 as fast as she can go which I guess means we are around the halfway mark.

That is so damn surreal to me.

Go back 13 years and I have a toddler roaming around and negotiations about whether we are going to try for more than one more kid.

Go forward the same and I’ll be 60.

Sixty freaking years old and my kids will be in their twenties. I might even be a grandfather by then, though I am not pushing for that.

Let them have kids when they are married and ready.

****

So today I move back from playing the part of working stiff who traveled abroad to try and provide for his family to dad with kids in pocket.

That is pretty damn cool.

Just Click Your Heels

Can’t make like Dorothy and just click my heels so I have to finish packing in a moment because my flight is in about four hours.

I am hopeful it is an easy trip and that we don’t get stuck on the tarmac or in security.

Hopeful it is easy to sleep and if not, well I finally bought a kindle and have loaded it with a ton of books.

I still prefer a book in hand, but this is an acceptable compromise for travel, certainly easier than the five or six books I would otherwise lug around.

****

Got to run now folks, see you on the other side.

Blogging To Become A Better Father

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Confession: I have a memory like an elephant and I have been known to hold a grudge which is why I wasn’t surprised when my daughter told me she didn’t like someone she had met a few times.

I knew he had done something to aggravate her and that she wasn’t going to just forget about it and let it go.

She laughed when I called her on it and said I understood and that I have a similar approach to people but I also made a point to tell her sometimes we need to be more forgiving.

“We need to be careful to distinguish between when people are/were nasty intentionally and when they inadvertently upset us because those things do happen.”

She agreed with me but I didn’t mention I am not always good at taking my own advice. Some people cross the line and it is hard for me to forget.

Blogging To Become A Better Father

That might sound like linkbait, but it is not.

Blogging is part of how I figure out how I think, feel and act. It is part of how I identify what is really going on in my life and what isn’t.

****

I took the new job at the end of August because I expected it to help me provide a better life for my kids and I still expect it to do so.

However, things haven’t been as easy or as smooth as I had hoped and or expected so it has had its share 0f frustration, especially since I haven’t seen my family since August 26.

That is a long time and it hasn’t been easy, hell the thing that has made it palatable is building a better future.

But it has been hard because I know has fast things change and kids grow. We may talk and or Facetime every day but it is not the same as being there.

The most frustrating part of this has to be this sense that I haven’t made the kind of progress I had expected to and that things aren’t moving the way I want them to either.

Well, that is not entirely true, they are moving in the right direction but not at the speed I would like them to go and that is hard.

It is frustrating.

But it doesn’t mean I am not going to get where I hope and or expect to, just means that it is not moving at the pace I want.

That bothers me because I don’t want to feel like I am missing out on their lives now. I don’t want to feel like I am so focused on building a better future I miss today.

Ask me if I feel like I am on track and the answer is yes. I can look back at this post and say it is tied into what I felt then and know all is unfolding as it should, but dammit, it is not easy to be patient.

Keep On, Keeping On

The good news is I’ll see them all one week from today.

I am excited about it, but a little nervous.

There is a lot of chaos that is going to be tied into the visit and while I am sure it will all work out fine I am a little stressed about it.

That is what happens when you are in transition and are anxious to build a solid foundation. The seesaw nature pulls, pushes, twists and turns you.

So I am reminding myself here to just roll with it and not to get crazy about not having accomplished as much as I had wanted to.

The deadlines I have set in my head are part of what is making me crazy.

Time to adjust expectations and to just roll with it.

This is the joy of the journey, right.

Since I am one of those never say die, got to keep doing and going to see what happens kind of guys it is fair to say I’ll do the same as I always do and keep moving forward.

But it wouldn’t be a lie to say I am ready for a nap and nice vacation. 🙂

Deadlines & Transitions- Boring Headlines

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The experts will tell you it is a mistake to use a bland headline like Deadlines & Transitions which is why I added “Boring Headlines” to it.

Call that my attempt to manipulate the situation so that more folks would click and enter. But before we hit the meat of the post it is time to include part of our soundtrack.

Teenagers, Preteens & Deadlines

The school year is rapidly heading towards winter break and with it comes the avalanche of finals, papers and projects.

Or viewed from another way, a ridiculous number of deadlines to be managed by children who may not be interested in receiving advice or suggestions from parents who have been there.

In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man,
Now I’ve reached that age, I’ve tried to do all those things the best I can.

And you thought Led Zeppelin couldn’t be used to help a father describe and or explain parenting.

Now for the next part of our soundtrack.

One of my very favorite Simon & Garfunkel songs, one that always makes me look backward and smile and then remind myself to look around now and smile today.

So here I sit thinking about the present and the importance of being present.

Thinking about how much time I should spend reminding my kids to focus on their tasks and how much should be left to them.

It is always about letting them fall and figure out how to get back up without having their spirit broken in the process.

There is a balance between it all, a rhythm that exists but I can’t say I know where it truly starts and ends.

I do it by touch and feel and hope not to screw it up too much.

The end game is simple, raise kids who know how to be productive and self-sufficient people.

It is funny how quickly the transitions go. One moment the children are babies and or toddlers that you always have to watch and the next they are in high school.

If you don’t pay attention it is easy to miss so much.

****

The next video might age me in some eyes, because not everyone catches the Chariots of Fire life is a race reference, gut I don’t care because I love it.

When The Mist Clears

The feature photo at the top of the page is nice, not my favorite shot ever but it serves a purpose.

It reminds me about how hard it is to predict certain things and that you never really know until you walk into the mist and see what lies beneath.

At the moment my race feels more like I am Daniel Day-Lewis in Last Of The Mohicans and with that I’ll leave you the video below because I have to run and run hard.