Narishkeit

Congratulations you just got sucked in by a “great” headline and are now part of an informal study about blogging. Have no fear I won’t reveal your identity nor do I promise to provide real scientific data for this study.

Instead I shall follow in the grand tradition of so many others and write a post that supports my hypothesis that headlines are overrated. So now let’s move on and see how many come seeking information and who comes because I have used the force to suck them in. If you aren’t using the force to generate readers and bring in traffic I suggest that you rectify that immediately.

One of the best ways that you can do that is by purchasing the ebook I haven’t yet written but will provided that a minimum of 500 people pay the never to be so low again price of $37.50. There is alternative for those who are too foolish, ignorant, stupid and or skeptical to pay me up front. All you need to do is send me three low payments of $19.95 and I’ll do the rest.

Can you see the immense value in my proposition. Don’t bother answering that was a rhetorical question. I never doubted that you would recognize it. Fact is that by taking the time to read these words you not only gained IQ points but also proved that you have exceptional taste. Congratulations on that. It makes you part of an elite group of influencers who have the kind of clout that Klout wishes it had.

You Just Won A Prize

Because your smart, wise and witty you have won a part in the American Blogger movie, you know the one that is being made by the white guy whose white wife discovered this nifty thing called a blog and got into social media.

And since I am feeling saucy today I won’t insult anyone by suggesting that I know sock monkeys with more writing talent. Ok, I lied.

Sock monkeys have far more talent than several of you, especially people who get into silly pissing contests with me. Ya know if you are going to be a pretentious blogger and douse me in your sanctimonious snark you might not want to spend 15 minutes rifling through the pages here trying to  figure out who I really am.

If I wanted you to know my name is Kaizer Soze I would tell you I am Kaizer Soze and then attempt to sound extra cool by saying “Bitch” with authority.

Really, that is how I roll…just like Jesse Pinkman.

A Note To Women

Dear ladies some of you find it funny to write posts describing your husband in ways that make him appear to be a buffoon, clown and or moron.

Sometimes you include funny stories about how poorly he parents and then you wonder aloud how you manage to keep up with your big kid as well as the little ones.

When I read these posts I often wonder if you really think the man you married and or let impregnate you is a fool. Do you really think he is as stupid as you portray him because I wonder if you see how that reflects upon you.

Methinks it might be interesting to see how you’d respond to a post in which you were ridiculed in the name of humor. If we follow the model some of you have established we can call you names too and assuage any anger you might feel by saying our post was funny.

Really, it was a funny post and if you had a sense of humor you’d understand why you were described as a frigid, stone hearted woman who is incapable of taking care of herself or small people without help.

What The Hell Is This Post About?

If I told you this post was about how to become a better writer/blogger would you believe it? Would you click on Twenty-Five Links That Will Make You A Better Writer/Blogger?

Or would you be more likely to read something like The GermoPhobe or  A Father Describes Parenting?

Hell maybe it is more accurate to say this post is about nothing and everything with the hope that you’ll find something.

Have no fear. Stick around a bit longer and I promise to share a good story or twenty and maybe a trick or two you’ll find useful. All I know is that I have learned we rarely have Plenty of Time.

See you on this side or the next.

Editor’s Note: Some of you may wonder if you can find information on how to build a paper clip crossbow here but I am afraid that information is located within a different post.

Have no fear, the cover letter below is among the best ever and it works… 😉

Dear Mr. Johnson,

Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.

Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.

In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.

Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.

The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am a conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.

As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not everyone carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.

I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.

Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.

Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.

Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.

Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.

P.S. This has run before but it is too much fun not to use again.

The same words keep jumping off the pages today which some might say is because the universe is trying to get my attention. Perhaps it is true and perhaps it is not either way it matters not to me because when people ask if I am boring I always answer by hitting them in the head with a giant shilelagh.

57 More Reasons To Hate Bloggers

I probably shouldn’t surf the blogosphere when I am as out of sorts as I am now. My back feels like someone is pounding upon it with the aforementioned giant shilelagh and some nasty demon is feasting upon my brain, working on gaining his freedom by eating from the inside out.

Naturally your sometimes lovable curmudgeon is crankier than usual and tired of reading posts in which new bloggers talk about all of the ways we are killing blogging.

It is easy to play the pretentious old timer and tell you how much better it used to be but it gets old. I can tell you how to get more comments and how to build your presence. I can give you all sorts of tried and true measures to make your mark here but it only works if you are willing to put the time into making it work.

The foundation of making your mark is simple–build relationships with other bloggers.

If you have spent any time in the so called real world you know that the most talented people are not always the ones who get the best jobs/promotions/accolades.

Those often go to those who are the best self marketers/promoters. In the blogosphere writing gigs, notoriety, brand ambassadorships and trips often are extended to bloggers who aren’t particularly good writers but they are friends with someone who knows someone and that leads to an introduction which leads to opportunity.

If you want more from blogging make the commitment to put the time into it. Unless you are the rare prodigy you didn’t become an expert piano/guitar player overnight. It took a commitment, a time commitment.

Blogging is no different. You have to put the time in and you have to understand that it is not just about putting out content.

Don’t You Dare Say Epic

The next person who tells me you can only be successful by producing epic content is going to be slapped, beaten and smacked around because you have stripped epic of all meaning.

You know what is epic? A 7.1 earthquake, lightning strikes, tornadoes and burning rivers. Those are epic, your post about how to make money online, potty training and beating up Santa Claus are not.

What you need to do is produce solid content on a regular basis and you need to read other bloggers and comment on their posts. If you want to build your presence on Twitter/Pinterest/G+/Facebook you need to dedicate the time. You need to be there to engage with the people that are there.

Do that and you will start to build relationships. You will make friends. If you want more opportunities build relationships with people who are doing what you want to do.

It takes time.

Are you willing to put it in?

I am here because I have a sickness called I am compelled to write…daily. I have five different blogs and I produce more content than most bloggers do and I do it daily.

Some of it is because I have some talent. I am a better writer than most people I encounter, don’t have to try that hard. Did I mention I am funnier, more handsome, clever, stronger, smarter and faster on my feet too.

I’ll let you decide if that was intentional or just bait.

Words That Must Be Shared

I was going to talk about The Inigo Montoya Method For Building Community but decided against it. Instead I will leave you with the words below because for me they are part of the foundation of blogging.

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”
― Stephen King, Different Seasons

Stay tuned, I’ll be posting again tonight.