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"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Narishkeit

I Am The Bruce Lee Of Dad Bloggers

August 18, 2014 by Jack Steiner 1 Comment

Bruce Lee Statue on the Avenue of Stars in Hong Kong

I Am The Bruce Lee Of Dad Bloggers is probably only slightly less obnoxious than calling myself The Original Dad blogger, but not much.

But if you want to win the magical game of building your blog you have to market yourself. You can’t rely upon your love of writing to make it work because they won’t come just because you write it.

I know, we want to believe If You Write It They Will Come because it makes us feel better but unrealistic expectations kill blogs, businesses and championships. It doesn’t matter how many times you read 500 Ways To Have Better Sex & Earn Money From Blogging because your expectations or should I say ability to manage your expectations dictates more than you know here.

Ask me how I know these things?

Ready?

Here comes a response from some jackass who has written about these issues before.

And this idea of “if you write it they will come” is Internet Mythology.

Very few new bloggers or online businesses will see the sort of immediate success that is suggested by this mythology that so many promote.

I suppose that you could say this mythology plays a role in my creating  some of my more colorful headlines. Posts like Cheaper Than A $5 Whore With Less Risk of Infection, Things Bloggers Say During Sex and 69 Reasons Why Fathers Make Better Lovers are all suggestive but they are not as lurid and lascivious as they sound.

Of course that same jackass has written posts about many topics besides parenting, dad blogging, sex, music, writing, reading, brake jobs, tune ups, history, politics and humor.

Sometimes the jackass goes after grammar snobs and those who don’t know about a self deprecating sense of humor. When you ask him if he can write a funny post he gets a little nuttier than normal.

Yes grammar people, I hear your cries. You want to know why I didn’t point out that I was referring to a person’s ass and not a person in their entirety. Maybe it is because I wanted to circle back to our headline and write the following:

  1. Can You Write a Funny Post.
  2. Can You Write a Funny Post?
  3. Can You Write a Funny Post!

If you asked nicely I could write three separate posts based upon those three punctuation marks. At least I could if my juvenile sense of humor wasn’t stuck in the land of scatological humor.

Does This Post Have To Make Sense?

No. It doesn’t have to make sense and you don’t have to read it, but you will. You have already invested this much time here so you might as well go the distance. Who knows, maybe there will be a giveaway. Maybe there will be a prize.

Maybe the author called up some company and said to give him free stuff or risk having a bad review written about your product because the Bruce Lee of Dad bloggers is so damn powerful.

Or maybe he just wishes he was. Maybe he feels like life has been more challenging than normal and he is trying to catch his breath, Maybe he feels like he is encircled by enemies and he is trying to figure out where he put his nunchucks because it would make life a bit easier.

That crazy old guy man has never had a problem using his fists when necessary, but dammit, these days it takes much longer to recover from the battles, even the ones he has won and at last count it was most.

Hell, ask him to tell you how many bad days he hasn’t survived and he’ll laugh because he has survived them all, maybe a bit worse for wear but still standing.

Better yet ask him why he is referring to himself in the third person.

Life Lessons Learned From The Soccer Field

My kids are playing soccer again. They love playing and we love watching them. There is so much joy and so many good teaching moments that come from it.

But right now I am less than pleased with some of it. The whole operation runs off of volunteers and always has.

In concept that shouldn’t be a problem but there is a dearth of coaches and the guy who was supposed to coach my daughter’s team has resigned.

I want to take over but there is a good chance work will take me out of town or at least make it impossible for me to guarantee I can make the practices and the games.

This irks me in multiple ways.

I don’t want my daughter to be screwed because we can’t find another coach. There have been a 100 parents so it is hard for me to believe that everyone of them is in the same position as I am.

Those of you who know me well know it is hard to pin me down but that is because I work very hard not to make promises I can’t keep. I am reluctant to step up when I cannot guarantee I will be available for the majority of the practices and games.

But if they can’t find anyone and the girls aren’t reassigned to a different team I might volunteer anyway. I don’t like that idea much because I really don’t know what will happen with my work situation, but perhaps it is better to make sure she gets to play than not.

Would be nice if this one area wasn’t so damn complicated but life doesn’t always cooperate as we wish it would.

What do you think?

Top Ten Bruce Lee Moments

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Filed Under: Children, Life, Narishkeit

500 Ways To Have Better Sex & Earn Money From Blogging

August 13, 2014 by Jack Steiner 9 Comments

'The Open Road' -- Near Great Sand Dunes National Park (CO) August 2013

Five Songs

  • Carefree Highway- Gordon Lightfoot
  • I’m Free- Soup Dragons
  • Guitar, Cadillacs- Dwight Yoakam
  • American Girl- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  • If- Bread
  • Stairway To Heaven- Heart Cover

The worst part about moving five times in three years is realizing how many things you can’t find because they have been packed, unpacked, packed, unpacked and potentially given away.

If my children told me they couldn’t find something I would ask them how many times I have told them to put it in the same place and then shake my head but I wouldn’t mention anything I shared in the lead.

Yeah, it is hypocritical but I call it making use of a teaching moment and frankly I do a better job of making myself feel stupid than anyone so there is no need to open that particular can of worms.

Part of me is ambivalent about these missing items because very few of them are of any significance because I tend to be very good at making sure I know where the important stuff is, except for two items.

Two things that I intentionally left in Los Angeles because I figured they would be safer there and that I would come back for them and now they are gone.

500 Ways To Have Better Sex & Earn Money From Blogging

That headline is classic linkbait and I don’t apologize for it mostly because it’s so ridiculous it is hard for me to believe anyone will take it seriously.

But if you are someone who took it seriously and want me to teach you how to have better sex and earn money from blogging I can do so.

I probably shouldn’t give this information away for free because I could turn it into an ebook or webinar and make a couple of bucks from it.

The problem with doing that is I might piss off some bloggers and since bloggers are a sensitive lot who believe that having a platform provides them with license to bitch about anything.

One can never be too careful with the hordes of the misinformed, misguided and self righteous who will pound you based upon their limited understanding of topics that are both simple and complex.

But since I promised the first tip I have to having better sex is to fall madly in love with the person you are sleeping with. If you follow my advice and fall head over heels for them and they for you those moments where you do the horizontal Mambo will be magical.

If you want to earn money from blogging figure out how to write a blog that is entertaining and educational and then charge people $25 for a year long membership.

Or alternatively you can try my favorite method and charge blog cancellation fees.

Just remember if  you don’t appreciate my methods and wish to file a complaint be cautious about your approach or you might find yourself in the same position as the Flying Clown.

Incidentally I did receive one comment for having the strangest audio log ever. I took that as a compliment but sadly was unable to monetize it.

Carefree Highways

I have been fortunate enough to drive cross country multiple times not to mention been on many other road trips around this grand old U.S. of A. and can tell you that some of those trips have been filled with more fun and interesting moments than you can shake a stick at.

Cross country trips by plane may be faster and have their set of moments but you don’t get to see and experience the tiny details of life that a car trip provides you with.

Car trips give you the opportunity to stop and explore local hot spots and museums that you will remember forever, sometimes because it was truly interesting and sometimes because you can’t figure out how many other idiots besides you got sucked into spending three hours perusing the Roly Poly Good Old Boys Sugar Shack.

By the way, if you haven’t figured it out yet sometimes I blog for the love of writing and not solely for the magic that comes with being Internet Famous.

Although let’s be honest there is something very cool in being able to say you are Internet Famous and 28 people of the 3000 who went to a blogging conference shook your hand and walked away feeling like their lives had been changed.

Or maybe they walked away wondering why their hands were sticky and trying to figure out if there is a polite way to rub those aforementioned sticky hands on their pants.

The End Of Summer

My kids finished their first full day of school today. Technically they went back yesterday but it was a partial day so today was the first full day.

I of course made sure to do the Dad’s So Happy They Are Back In School Dance for them. Turns out they love that dance so much my daughter doesn’t want to share it with anyone else. She swore she won’t bring any friends home to see it and I promised to do it again for her.

She made a face so I told her that if she is really lucky one day I’ll do that dance for her boyfriend…in my underwear.

I figure there are two ways to handle the boys that one day may come home with her.

1) Tough and intimidating dad.

2) Crazy and unhinged dad.

If she is really lucky I might even do both.

Here is a separate but related question for you.

Are you having fun blogging?

If you can’t say yes you better figure out a way to make it fun or you might not last as long as some of the crazy old men of the blogosphere.

Second question, are the crazy old men of the blogosphere crazy because of blogging or did they start out that way.

Let me know what you think in the comments.

Filed Under: Narishkeit

The Elevator Ride From Hell

July 27, 2014 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

Hell

I have written many times about the lack of elevator etiquette. There are the people who try to take a cigarette into the car, those that dump buckets of perfume/cologne over their heads and then enter the car and there are those that think that it is ok to hold the door while they finish their conversation with someone who has chosen not to get on the elevator. How is that for a run-on sentence.

But today I encountered a new jerk. Today I rode the elevator with a man who thought that it was ok to share his flatulence with me. It is one thing to share these in silence. I’ll do my best not to cough and turn blue while holding my breath.

It is quite another thing to just let one rip” as if you haven’t a care in the world and it is even worse when you don’t apologize or excuse yourself. That is what happened today.

The man didn’t yell “fore” or “Geronimo” or give any indication that he was about to soil his pants and I am fairly certain that this was “wet.” I apologize for the detail, but I am still horrified by this and as a father who has changed many a diaper I know the signs.

It was loud. It was wet and was most aromatic in a most unpleasant way. I wanted to run. I wanted to flee but there was no place to go. The doors were closed and we were between floors.

As I gasped for breath I thought about my family and a sob escaped my throat. There was something so unfair and so unjust about this. My children were going to have to be told that their father died trying to rescue children from a burning building not that he died as a result of asphyxiation caused by noxious fumes from a common “fart.”

The thought was so upsetting. In my mind’s eye I could see them being teased on the playground. I could hear the vice-principal suspending my son for fighting and saw his mother explaining that he didn’t need to fight every time some kid tormented him about it.

Suddenly the elevator doors opened and I flung myself into the hallway. Gasping for air I rolled on the floor and inhaled the stale but ever so sweet after effects of the cleaning crew. The scent of their passage lingered in the air and I reveled in the gift of life I had received.

In the interim stinky rolled on out of the office and waddled down the hall. I carefully followed him and watched him enter an office. Later today we will show him how we deal with terrorism in this part of town.

The boys and I are going out for burritos and chili. Together we will enter his office and then drag him to a utility closet where we will unleash our own WMDs, mercilessly. And as all good terrorists do I’ll videotape this so that I can create more terror by uploading the file onto the net.

Flatulent Fred, judgment day is coming for you.

(Originally run here)

Filed Under: Narishkeit

The 37 Most Annoying Bloggers

July 9, 2014 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

One Dad Blogger
Remember last September when we ran The 25 Most Annoying Bloggers & Why You Can’t Sleep With Them?

That post may not have generated a ton of comments but it did cause multiple people to contact me and ask why I didn’t provide a list of names and blogs because they really wanted to know who I would put on the list.

As a lover of meshugehnehs, mishegoss and narishkeit I considered putting together such a list but I chose not to because I just didn’t feel like getting into that kind of flame war this time around.

I am too busy explaining to small businesses how posting promotional links on random blog posts makes them into spammers and why that can hurt their business.

Some of them have responded by thanking me and others ignored me and continued to do so. I explained to them this might not be the best way to deal with me because everyone knows when they threaten to release the kraken they are talking about me.

Gandalf!!!!!!!!

Remember when Frodo called out for Gandalf because it appeared he had lost the battle against the balrog. You know, during the big fight in the Mines of Moria?

Well I wouldn’t have fallen off of the bridge because I would have dipped, ducked and danced my way past the balrog’s defenses and kicked him right in his balrog balls.

Big old monster would have grabbed his crotch and I would have gone Three Stooges on him and poked him in the eyes and then while he was confused about holding his balrog balls or covering his balrog eyes I would have pushed him off of the bridge–end of fight.

But What About The 37 Most Annoying Bloggers

Oh hell if you really want a list it exists in my head but I am sure you have one too. I have shared thoughts about this many times and if surf through the tin cans that connect us all you’ll find a ton of posts that tell you about how to blog, how to comment, how to write and how to wipe your rear.

You didn’t really come here looking for that now did you? If you did and you really want my thoughts and advice I’ll be happy to give some of it  to you but in not in this post.

Ok, I  could tell to Never Bet Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line or remind you There Is No Manual For Raising Teenage Boys but that only works if you are not interested in An Uncertain Certainty.

What the hell do I know about anything anyway.

Yeah, old Jack is in one of those moods where it feels like I need to run with the moon. One of those moments where I wonder how much trouble I can get into and out of. One of those moods where poking the bull will probably get you trampled, gored and trampled again.

About That Huffington Post

I am thinking about writing a piece about why the Huffington Post should pay me to write for them and when they ask why I’ll them it will be good for their brand and for the exposure.

It is the same thing they tell prospective writers and turnabout is fair play so why shouldn’t I. Who is to say that they wouldn’t receive more benefit from having my content than I would by being there.

My content would fill a hole, a gap and provide access to a voice and demographic they aren’t really reaching.

In concept it might stay up forever and help their SEO efforts. My content might be the thing that cements their hold upon a certain term or term.

Ya know that one that leads to the reader who sees and clicks upon an ad that is so inspiring they place a huge order which causers the person who placed that ad to renew it and ten more just like it.

Guess there is no way to tell without testing it out. Could be true, could be false or something in between.

It is the in between stuff that has me going crazy right now.

Transitions are hard and I am in the midst of an extended one and though I have faith it will all work I am tired of feeling like I see the future through a fog.

Although there is a certain excitement that comes with that because if you adjust your perspective just a little bit that obscure picture of the future is kind of twinkly like stars lighting up the evening sky.

Filed Under: Blogging, Narishkeit

Content Marketers Dance Naked With Feather Boas

June 25, 2014 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

Grand Canyon
You can blame Sprint for the headline because if they can get away with these ridiculous ads with hamsters, dancing girl scouts and framilies I can write about content marketers dancing naked with feather boas.

In a writer’s life there are good editors and there are bad editors and then there is this memory from about 25 years ago:

I asked the guy to open his mouth and when he asked why I said it was because I heard an echo coming from his throat and I wanted to confirm that his little friend had his head shoved so far up his ass I would be able to see his eyes looking back at mine.

As a public safety tip you should know the remark above is not supported by Dale Carnegie as a way to win friends and or influence people.

However if you wanted to find out if you can throw a right cross and or take a shot to the gut it might be one way you can get the answers to your questions.

Hell if you are like me and you keep hearing these songs playing in your head you might want to tell people you know things because the best way to prove what you know is to show it.

The FitBit And A Writer

I ordered a Fitbit® Flex™ Wireless Activity & Sleep Wristband today.

Got to tell you I agonized over it a bit because I couldn’t decide if I was buying an expensive pedometer but I figured it is worth trying out.

The guys I normally play basketball with seem to have disappeared and for the moment I don’t belong to a gym so I need to find a way to increase the amount of exercise I am getting and to be more mindful about how much I am eating.

You long time readers know that my 19 year-old metabolism and I had a fight and that bastard left me so I am stuck with this 45 year-old one whose superpower is to enable me to eat 24 hours a day without feeling full.

Ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration but the reality is that sitting at the computer all day isn’t healthy and I can’t get a treadmill desk right now.

And I can’t afford to wait or come up with excuses for why I don’t do more so I decided that this little sucker might help me add a bit of structure to my diet and exercise and just maybe that will be the trick.

What I need more than anything else is to see some results because I am always good about responding to that. What I am less good at is starting.

It is that whole inertia thing.

Time to start rocking that boulder back and forth so we can get things moving again.

Content Marketers, Dad Bloggers and Exercise In General

Have I mentioned recently I dislike the term content marketer because it is meaningless marketing jargon?

Or should I talk about trying to stuff some keywords like dad bloggers into this post? Maybe I should mention the importance of exercise because it makes you feel better and when you feel better you are nicer, more productive and less likely to suddenly drop dead.

Yeah, that ending was harsh. Blame it on Sprint’s talking hamster. Stupid rodent.

Ask me about content marketing and I’ll tell you about storytelling because that is really what we are talking about. Storytelling is what humans have used for our entire existence to build relationships and move people.

When you want me to buy something for my teenage son the best way to motivate me is to use a story I can relate to that shows me how your product/service would be good for my son.

If you want to make me cry you’ll show me what tuition costs for camp and college. And then you you’ll understand better why most of my hair has fallen out.

Blogging Isn’t Supposed To Be Complicated

Blogging isn’t as complicated as some people make it out to be. You could fill the Grand Canyon with the excuses and reasons people provide but the reality is that people over think things.

Just ask my dear Shmata Queen and she’ll tell you this game isn’t hard to win at. Tell stories, engage, rinse and repeat.

And now if you will excuse me the kids are home from camp and it is time to go. See you in the comment section.

Filed Under: Narishkeit

Everyday Is Punch A Social Media Expert In The Mouth Day

June 16, 2014 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

bodiam castle

Everyday Is Punch A Social Media Expert In The Mouth Day should be amended to read that we should slap, kick, bite and gouge out the eyes of all the experts who keep telling us about the rules of writing and blogging.

I am not writing this because I am an angry white guy or because at 45 I am better, stronger, smarter, faster and humbler than the yahoos who keep pumping out the tripe that tells people how to become a successful blogger or writer.

In the interest of full disclosure some of those people have more readers, more subscribers, more pageviews and more book sales than I do. In short they have more of most of the things that people use to identify success.

That might mean they know something. That might mean you can listen to their advice. Hell I tell my children there is no reason to reinvent the wheel unless you need to.

Work smarter, not harder.

You Are Sucking The Wrong Thing

“If you expect to succeed as a writer, rudeness should be the second-to-least of your concerns. The least of all should be polite society and what it expects. If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered, anyway.”
— Stephen King (On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft)

Some of you are sucking in such a way that you are removing the joy of writing from all this. I don’t understand why you insist on using your teeth. I don’t understand why you take something that should put a smile on the face of those who practice it and turn it into work.

Yeah, I know that writing is damn hard and that sometimes it makes you want to tear your hair out. There are moments where it is as enjoyable as having a colonoscopy without any anesthesia and that makes me sad.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

It can also be viewed as being like a great workout. You can look at it as a marathon and you can look at the feeling you get when you click publish as being similar to that adrenaline rush you get when you finish the race/workout.

Climbing that hill can be painful and there are moments where you want to punch the person who signed you up for it in the mouth. There are moments where you wonder who is dumber– you or them.

But if you keep pushing and you come to the crest of the hill and see the ocean just in the distance it is hard not to be inspired. It is so damn easy to picture yourself lying on a beach or enjoying the water on a sailboat so you keep pushing and discover that running down hill can be hard too.

Gravity pulls you and you have to fight to avoid moving at breakneck speed but the end result is the same.

One big adrenaline rush and a sense of satisfaction.

About Castles

If you want first hand knowledge about what I can do to a castle you can ask Jericho. She’ll tell you that I do my research and that I’ll find the blueprints and study them, because there is always a weakness.

She’ll tell you I’ll try going through open doors and windows and that if I can’t get in that way I will go over or under the walls. If need be I’ll lay siege to the damn thing and tear it down stone by stone.

Old Jack wasn’t built for grace, but demolition is something I know a little bit about. The gift of having a handshake a gorilla fears can be used in many different ways and castles are perfect for exploring those.

But let’s remember sometimes the reason you tear something down is so that you can rebuild it. Sometimes you pull down the walls and lay a foundation upon the old one that allows you to build something that is more meaningful, more significant and ultimately more beautiful.

It is not always easy to edit a story you have written and edited multiple times. After a while you begin to lose your perspective but once you step back and catch your breath you sometimes notice things you didn’t see before.

The kids have heard me talk about this more than once. They know that sometimes I will hang upside down with one eye covered in plastic wrap just to get a different look at something.

Yeah it sounds goofy, but I am a writer and I know things. I am a writer and I see things. I am not always limited to conventional thought or approaches.

Sometimes I catch a flicker of something from the corner of my eye and I have to chase after that. It reminds me of being a sculptor.

All I have is a large slap of stone and I have no clue what it wants to be until I start chipping away at it. My characters are like that too. I have a basic understanding about who they are and what motivates them but I don’t know the details until I see how they behave in certain situations.

Hell if I know what they will do or how they will respond. They are people and people are often illogical, irrational and unpredictable.

But that is what makes us love them. Or maybe it is more accurate to say true love is when you accept them for who they are and not who you wish they would be.

Everyday Is Punch A Social Media Expert In The Mouth Day

And now if you will excuse me there are chumps to punch, bums to roll and stories to write. Don’t ask me what any of that means or if you do, do it in the comments.

Filed Under: Narishkeit

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