The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Business

The Best Cover Letter….Ever

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letters

The Best Cover Letter….Ever

Dear Mr. Johnson,

Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.

Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.

In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.

Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.

The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.

As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.

I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.

Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.

Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.

Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.

Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.

Simply Awful

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Shocked, horrified, embarrassed and ashamed are not words that anyone wants to use when they describe themselves or work that they have done yet I find myself in the uncomfortable position of doing just that. The source of my sorrow and discomfort is my resume. This document which is supposed to serve as written representation of our professional experience, skills and abilities is not acceptable to me.

It falls short of the mark in a number of areas. It is garbled, unclear and filled with jargon that looks dated. It is simply awful and it is in need of a complete overhaul. If TheJackB were an actual ship I keelhaul the damn thing, make it walk the plank and then for good measure burn it…..twice.

It is simply awful because I am better than this. It is simply awful because I have a solid command of the language and a better understanding of how to market myself and my abilities than this document demonstrates. If I am to follow the rule of the blog which dictate brutal honesty and the advice I provide as a father I cannot use it any longer.

Say goodbye old resume you are about to be torn down and rebuilt from the ground up.

Bourbon, Blogs And Business

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“Mother died yesterday or was it the day before’- The Stranger by Albert Camus

The year was 1982 and I was 13 years-old.  I sat in my 8th grade English class and listened to our teacher Mrs. Muenster lecture about cheese and existentialism. Ok, that wasn’t her name but I do remember her saying something about wine and cheese. And I most certainly remember reading Camus and then Kafka. That line about mother and the idea of waking up as a giant cockroach are hard to forget, as is one of my fellow students who said that subjects like this call for Bourbon. Back then I didn’t know much at all about alcohol.

My exposure had been limited to the wine we drank at seders and tasting a beer at Busch Gardens. Not surprisingly things have changed between now and then as I know just a little bit about alcohol. Last night at the cocktail reception I had more than my share of Bourbon. I wasn’t close to being drunk but I had enough to wonder if Jim Beam is a real person, or perhaps was.

I don’t need to drink to ask these questions. I am the guy who called Quaker Oats to ask the name of the Quaker on the box. Customer service hung up on me three times. I finally convinced them that it was better to try to answer my question than to have me show up with two tons of Cream of Wheat.

And we move on. The photo above this line is from the trip up to the Pacific Northwest. I left blue skies and temperatures in excess of 90 degrees for rainfall. Midway through the flight I was pleasantly surprised to see much of the land below us covered in snow. While it may not be exciting to you bear in mind that I’ll be 42 in May and can say that I have been in snow no more than 10 times, if that. Furthermore I have never driven in it, not that it matters.

Snow is somewhat novel to me. I much prefer to live in a warmer climate but every now and then I consider the idea or living elsewhere. Actually if I lived in snow country I would probably drink a lot more Bourbon or something similar. Cold weather just doesn’t sound right to me.

Really, at our core we Jews are desert people.

The way I see it snow is anathema, especially when it means having to worry about plows, shovels and knuckleheads who hit you with an icy snowball. That is kind of mean, the icy snowball. Really who takes one of those and sends it flying full speed into some poor unsuspecting sap. Ok, that would be me but I had more than one good reason, I had two.

And we move on. That is a shot of Streetfighter on the Nintendo 3Ds. I wanted to buy that game for me but it wasn’t really age appropriate so I opted for a different game. Of course there was a part of me that wanted to use it to teach my daughter how to boot the boys in the head. Yep, that would make it educational. Use it to teach her how to become Lady Deathstrike, not that I wouldn’t worry about her. I am dad and worrying is something that I am good at- not that I am happy about it. Truth is that I would be happier if I worried less. I’d certainly have more hair. Maybe I need more Bourbon.

And we move on.

That is a shot of the plane I flew home on. I used my fabulous DroidX to capture this shot of lovely Bob Hope Airport in fabulous downtown Burbank. I like walking the stairs to get on and get off. Every time I disembark I make a point of stopping in the doorway. I lift my hand and wave at the imaginary press corps and then hum Hail to the Chief. Did I tell you that other passengers love this. They like it even more when I scream because I saw a monster on the wing. Ok, I don’t really scream- my voice is a bit too deep for that. Don’t want to describe as bellowing either because that is too water buffaloish.

Anyhoo, I went straight from the airport to a birthday celebration for my mom.  Every now and then she goes through these periods of time where she hugs me like I am six years-old again. I don’t mind. I think that she has a harder time with my age than I do.

Mom doesn’t read my blog but keeps hinting  that she wants to. I usually ignore it and change the topic. My parents and I are close. We speak frequently but I am not really sure that I want them in this world. Can’t tell you why other than I just don’t.

Tonight mom asked me to explain how Twitter works and why people read blogs. It was an interesting discussion that evolved into a full blown lecture on what it takes to be a successful blogger and business models that I think aren’t fair or suitable for blogging. Mom cracked me up a few times, especially when she told me that it sounds like I am a social media expert.

Social Media Expert sounds like snake oil salesman to me. Every time I hear that term it makes me cringe. I attribute that to the proliferation of people on Twitter who describe themselves in this manner. Most of them aren’t. Quite a few know next to nothing and capitalize upon the ignorance of others, but let’s save this rant for a different time.

Got more to say but I think that my time with Mr. Beam last night has left me worn out. Lailah tov and good night.

Whiny Bloggers Quit Because It Was Work

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Whiny face

It is probably unfair of me to paint the bloggers in this article with such a broad brush. Yet, I can’t help but roll my eyes because what I read is so very silly. Take a look at the excerpt below.

“There are about 31 million blogs in the United States, a number expected to swell to 34 million by the end of this year. But Mr. Harbison is part of a small but growing trend of blog quitters. Last year, the number of blogging teens and adults ages 18 to 33 declined, in the first reported drop in blogging, according to Pew Research Center data.

Some have simply switched to another blog-like medium, say, Twitter or Facebook. Others have faced unpleasant facts about blogging. It’s cheap to do but usually doesn’t pay. Having a platform may be fun at first, but building a following takes much more work than simply typing and posting.

And millions of them go virtually unnoticed, despite the occasional breakout sensation like the humorous “Stuff White People Like” and the Julia Child-inspired “The Julie/Julia Project.”

When “people see these, they say, ‘I can do that—it will be easy,’ “ says Raanan Bar-Cohen, vice-president of media services at San Francisco-based WordPress, which hosts 16.5 million blogs. “If you’re looking for fame and fortune, blogging has as good a chance as any medium,” he adds.

But new bloggers misunderstand what the venture is really all about. “The best bloggers are good at highlighting, snipping and curating,” Mr. Bar-Cohen says. All that draws “the feedback that is as or more important than the actual posts.”

The effort involved in building a following caused Ray Silverstein to give up. Mr. Silverstein, 73, is principal at Pro Presidents Resource Organization, a Chicago-based small-business consultancy. Four years ago, he began blogging about small-business issues in order to draw traffic to his firm’s website.

He posted about twice a week but failed to read other blogs, comment and connect. “You really have to work the blog more,” he notes.”

If you are in this with dreams of getting rich you better hope that you love it too. There is a reason why I keep repeating certain truths about blogging. There is an exceptionally low barrier to entry. Anyone with a computer and internet access can start a blog. There are a million different voices competing for the same readers as you and many of them have no business sense/intelligence whatsoever.

But let’s ignore all that and read the last line of the excerpt I provided.

“He posted about twice a week but failed to read other blogs, comment and connect. “You really have to work the blog more,” he notes.”

Blogging takes time, effort and work. They call it social media because it requires many of the same social skills you would use in the real world. In the real world you build relationships first and ask favors later. Why would it be different here. What makes people think that if they simply write a story millions will come knocking on their door. Sometimes luck is more important than talent. We see that here all the time.

Sorry, I just don’t feel badly about this. If you start a brick and mortar business it requires time and effort to make it work. It requires commitment. Blogging is no different. If you can’t deal with it or don’t feel like it works for you than you really should find something else. In the end if you don’t love blogging you are going to find it to be more trouble than it is worth.

Self Promotion

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Let me ask you a question. Have you ever looked at someone and wondered how they got a particular job? Have you ever visited a popular blog and been baffled by its popularity? Have you ever shaken your head and thought that you could do it better than they are/can?

If the answer is yes than you may have to work on self promotion. If the answer is yes than you may have to spend time trying to figure out how to do a more effective job of marketing your skills and abilities. It is not always easy to do. Sometimes it is because of humility or fear of rejection. Sometimes it is because we tend to have trouble seeing ourselves and our abilities with clarity.

I don’t claim expertise in the reasons why it is harder for some people to promote themselves.  I am not a coach or a psychologist.  But I know without question that life is not fair and that many times the world doesn’t work upon logic and reason. If it did than substance/skill would triumph luck every time. You wouldn’t look at someone and wonder how they got the job because the answer would be because they deserved it.

To be clear sometimes they really do deserve it and there is no criticism to be given of the decision, but that is not the point here.

What we are discussing is the need to improve our skills at marketing ourselves. We need to learn how to give the proverbial elevator pitch in which we give a short and compelling summary of our skills and abilities. We need to learn how to distinguish ourselves from the crowd.

I moved from Blogger to WordPress because I see this as being a better platform to market myself. I see it as a tool that I can use to help me achieve a number of goals. I want to put myself in a position where writing becomes a primary source of income instead of secondary.  I am one of the few bloggers that can say that I have made real money from it. However, there is a difference between real and significant amounts of money.

That distinction is simple. Real money purchases goods/services occasionally. It is enough to support a part time hobby. Significant is enough to support a family. The goal is to transition from real to significant. To make that happen I have to focus on self promotion. I have to become better and more effective at marketing myself. If you are reading this post it is probably because of the self promotional efforts I have engaged in.

It could have been through Twitter, Facebook or a post that you found this place. My job is to get better at using the tools out there to let you know about me. My job is to get better at cutting through the clutter and the noise to distinguish myself. And then once I have your attention it is my job to show you that there is enough substance to merit retaining your attention and continued patronage.

If you are one of the long time readers from the old blog I am very glad to see you here. There will be some changes but much of this will be the same. I don’t want this to be slick, I want it to be real. I want the authenticity to continue to shine through. It will continue to be a mix of content, but there will be some changes. One of those will be an ongoing effort to build the blog.

So I’ll ask for your help. Become a fan of my Facebook page and if you like what you see please let people know about it. Self promotion isn’t easy for me either, but in 2011 it is a necessary skill.

Healthcare, Funerals, Costco,Coke and Libel

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Nothing like more sturm und drang  in my life to make things interesting. I asked people to answer why they blog and received some interesting answers. Not unlike many of you I am here because it provides both an outlet and a chronicle of my life.

Posts like this one will be something that my children and grandchildren can read so that they understand that my life is like theirs. It is filled with moments of routine punctuated with bouts of craziness. That goes well with the wacky man they call dad now and may call grandpa in the future. Don’t call me grandpa today because I am not old and I will kick your ass, male, female, feline or otherwise.

I received a letter today informing me that my healthcare costs are going to more than double in 2010. Since I am independently wealthy and without a care in the world I wasn’t fazed at all by this.In fact I felt so bad about not being able to empathize with people I tasered my own scrotum.

There, that should make for the kind of search term I don’t want associated with the blog. But at the moment I am too frustrated to care.

Stevie Ray Vaughn’s The House Is Rockin’  just came on iTunes. If my life were a movie it would be an appropriate song to play now. It’d be one of those time line bits where you’d see me running frantically to try and overcome a challenge. By the time it ended I’d be out of breath but a huge smile would grace my lips and the screen would fade to black.

Except my life isn’t a movie, or a sitcom or a play. The crap that was flung on me isn’t a prop, it is real and it stinks. Blast.

Found out last night that my fraternity brother’s wife died. I don’t know all of the details other than she was 40, it wasn’t suicide or car accident. It was some sort of health issue that snuck up on them, or so it was described to me.

She is the third contemporary of mine to die since May. Two mothers and a man, all aged 40. All died because of some sort of health issue.

Queen, I am Going Slightly Mad  is now playing. Again, an appropriate song. I am going mad. It finally happened, I took that last step, you know the one that Bugs Bunny refers to as a “Lulu.” Damn, life might be easier if this was a Looney Tunes cartoon.

The funeral starts in about ten minutes. I was very seriously thinking about going, but chose not to. Haven’t seen the husband in several years and have exchanged just an email or two during that time. I was torn about the decision not to go, but I have a ton of stuff to handle. He won’t miss me, I’ll send a card.

Don’t mean to sound callous, but we all have to take care of our stuff. Right now I am doing the best that I can to take care of mine. Of course being told that the privilege of seeing the doctor and providing for my family’s well being is going to become more difficult has influenced this.

Damn, damn and damn again. On to a different topic.

******

I just read that Costco and Coke are having a disagreement. I bet Costco wins this fight.

ATLANTA – Costco customers may have to look elsewhere for Coca-Cola products now that the retailer has stopped carrying them because the pair are fighting over prices.

The public squabble between one of the nation’s largest wholesale club operators and the world’s largest soft drink maker is likely to fizzle quickly. But it reveals real tensions as retailers and product makers square off on prices.

As shoppers continue to grapple with the recession, retailers want to win their favor by giving them low prices. But that has been creating tension between product makers like Coca-Cola Co., who are working hard to maintain profit margins while meeting retailer demands.

In other news there is a new report about the influence Twitter has on the world. Courtney Love is being sued for libel for something she tweeted. But it is not limited to celebrities, this issue that is.

Consider the case of Amanda Bonnen and her former landlord. Bonnen, an Illinois resident, is accused of using Twitter to tell another user: “Who said sleeping in a moldy apartment was bad for you? Horizon Realty thinks it’s okay.”

Horizon Group Management LLC, the company that owned the apartment in question, sued Bonnen for libel over the alleged tweet. Horizon is seeking $50,000 in damages.

Legal experts say such Internet-related cases are being watched closely because they confront new and unaddressed areas of American law.

For example, how should a libel case be handled when it comes to social media? How can society balance accountability with free speech? And if information — from private thoughts to public data — is so readily available, how do we define what constitutes privacy?

There are other examples of ordinary citizens who are in legal trouble in the article. It is a reminder that there are risks in using social media. Twitter, blogs, Facebook and the like can all have an impact upon your life in ways that we might not immediately foresee.

These are more than cautionary tales. They are real life examples of things that need to consider when you are playing online. It is not completely clear where the lines will be drawn, but eventually the courts will come up with something. In the interim remember that the boundaries are fluid.

Ain’t life grand.