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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Sex

More Questions about Body Parts

March 24, 2008 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

One of the reasons that I began this blog was to serve as a sort of a diary of my life and my family. I thought that it would be kind of neat in the years to come to revisit things that had happened, especially those involving my children. (Links to some of the older posts will be provided below.)

What I didn’t realize was just how much blog fodder there would be. These children provide an enormous amount, far too much to ever record. So I try to hit the more interesting parts. It’d be nice to hit it all, but there is only so much time in the day.

As a point of reference I asked my parents if I was as inquisitive as my children are. They laughed and said yes. My mother made a point of telling me that my pre-school teachers said that I had one of the most active imaginations of any child they had ever met. It appears that I passed both of these attributes down, which is why you get to read another story about body parts and creative names for them.

If you are a long time reader you know that my son and I seem to be engaged in a never ending conversation about our bodies, sex and everything that goes along with. The questions are innocent enough. There is nothing in there that makes me worry about him, but he does make it challenging. I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t need to provide all of the details.

Here is a recent transcript of one of those conversations.

Son: Dad, do you know what a boner is. (Said with a big Cheshire cat grin.)
Dad: Yes, I do.

Son: It is when your penis grows bigger.
Dad: Yes. You can call it an erection.

Son: An erection?
Dad: Yes, an erection. It is not related to an erector set.

Son: What is an erector set?
Dad: It is a toy that you may get when you turn eight.

Son: Ok. Do all boys get boners?
Dad: Yes.

Son: Why?
Dad: (Pause as I decide whether to rehash this conversation.) Remember our conversation about making babies?

Son: Yes. But I still have questions.
Dad: Like what.

Son: Can you do tricks with your boner?
(Quick comment. I have to bite my lip so that I don’t give an answer like: Sure, I can put out fires, swing hula hoops from it and use it for batting practice.)

Dad: What sorts of tricks are you talking about? (The old answer a question with a question is a beautiful parenting trick.)

Son: Can you make it dance?
Dad: Sure. I can even make it sing. You ought to see me in the shower. (Relax, I didn’t really sat that either.)

Son: When it grows I can make it move.
Dad: Well that means that you are perfectly normal. All boys can do that.

Son: (Whispering) When I have one it is hard to pee.
Dad: (Whispering back) Me too.

Son: Do you think girls wish they had a penis?
Dad: (I so very badly want to make a crack about penis envy.) Nah, they are happy with what they have.

Later on I’ll have to post part two of this conversation. In the meantime if you are interested you can find more of these tales by clicking on the children label.

Filed Under: Children, Life, Sex

For A Good Time Call…

March 10, 2008 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

I have quickly learned that having children who can read presents all sorts of new challenges. My son reads everything and anything he sees. I love it. I love watching the excitement in his eyes as he sounds out new words. I love it when he asks me to what words mean and how to use them. But sometimes it does present challenges.

During a recent trip to the mall we had to make a stop at one one of the bathrooms. The interior of the stall was decorated in the latest graffiti. This was one of those unforeseen challenges that parenting seems to be chock full of.

Son: Who is Julie?
Dad: Julie who?

Son: I don’t know her last name.
Dad: Why not?

Son: It didn’t say.
Dad: What didn’t say?

Son: It just said her first name.
Dad: What did.

Son: The writing in the bathroom.
Dad: It did?

Son: Yes. It said “For a good time call Julie.”
Dad: Oh.

Son: Is she fun to play with?
Dad: I don’t know.

Son: Does she have a lot of good toys?
Dad: I don’t know.

Son: Why did it say to call her? Does she like playing with boys?
Dad: I don’t know. Maybe someone is playing a trick on her.

Son: Would you like playing with Julie?
Dad: I don’t know her.

Son: It says that you’d have fun. Maybe you should call her. You’ve been grumpy lately.
Dad: I don’t think Julie wants to hear from me.

Son: She might. You could teach her things. She might like to learn some tricks from you.
Dad: That’s ok. She probably has better things to do.

Son: But why is her name there?
Dad: Someone is playing a trick on her.

Son: I don’t really like playing with girls.
Dad: I know. One day that might change.

Son: No way!
Dad: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Son: I am not. I run too fast, besides I know what to do.
Dad: Oh? What do you too.

Son: Sammy and David’s mommy have babies in their tummies.
Dad: That is called being pregnant.

Son: Right, their pregnant. They always say that they’re tired.
Dad: Pregnant women get tired pretty easily.

Son: We should get all the girls pregnant.
Dad: What? Why would you say that?

Son: Because if we get them all pregnant they’ll be too tired to bother us.
Dad: There are probably better ways than that.

Son: Sammy’s dad told him that getting his mommy pregnant was really fun.
Dad: Why did he tell him that?

Son: Sammy said that he heard having babies was hard and he didn’t want his daddy to get hurt.
Dad: He did?

Son: Yes, he said that he told his daddy he didn’t want him to yell like that pregnant lady on television.
Dad: So what Sammy’s dad say?

Son: He said that getting mommies pregnant is something that boys like to do, but I don’t think I want to.
Dad: You probably should wait until you’re married.

Son: But girls bother us. If we get them pregnant they’ll be too tired to chase us.
Dad: Believe me, that won’t stop them. Anyway, I don’t want you and your friends running around talking about getting girls pregnant. That is for grownups who love each other.

Son: Jonah’s mom and dad must really love each other. They have a lot of kids.
Dad: $*%*(**U*$

Ok, that last line was totally fabricated, but it fits in with the theme of the post. I tuned out graffiti so long ago that it didn’t occur to me that it would lead to such a wacky discussion. Actually, I can’t really say that it was a wacky discussion either. In it is own crazy way it made sense.

More than anything else it really reminds me that I have to be extra careful and alert about what kind of reading material is around my kids at all time. Just when you think that you have this parenting thing down something new comes along. Life does have its moments.

Filed Under: Bathroom Stuff, Children, Life, Sex

A Sexually Incompatible Marriage

March 4, 2008 by Jack Steiner 12 Comments

CNN has an interesting article about sex and marriage. It caught my eye for any number of reasons.

Just judging from the responses to my old post Does Having Children Prevent an Active Sex Life this is something that many couples wrestle with. (The comments on this post were made using Haloscan. Since I disabled and removed it from the blog you obviously won’t see them there. But trust me, there were plenty.)

Let’s take a look at the article.

(LifeWire) — He’s a 38-year-old executive. She’s a 34-year-old homemaker. He says they never fight, and in many ways they’re compatible — but not when it comes to sex.
“It’s almost like a checklist,” says Jon (who asked that his real name not be used) of their once-a-month lovemaking. The problem, he believes, is a lack of desire.
Sexually unfulfilling marriages aren’t limited to new parents or aging baby boomers with hormone imbalances. They can ensnare even the relatively young and the recently married. When they are unable to blame kids, stress or physical issues, many couples struggle unhappily to identify — and resolve — the problems behind their lackluster sex life.
Couples end up in sexually unfulfilling marriages for a variety of reasons, says Marty Klein, a licensed marriage counselor and certified sex therapist in Palo Alto, California. One reason, he says, is America’s obsession with marriage.
Laura Berman, a Chicago sex therapist and relationship expert, agrees. “We put the blinders on when we’re dating,” she says. “We focus so much on the wedding, we don’t notice the warning signs.”
Those who believe passion inevitably fades may downplay the sex factor, picking someone they think would be a good father or a good wife even if they’re not an ideal lover, Berman adds.
“I chose her because I thought it would enhance me in some way,” Jon says of his wife.
Berman has seen it before: “People choose partners who have the right resume but maybe not the entire package.”
Other couples enter into relationships with so-so chemistry because they think they’re in love and overlook key differences, says Klein.
Bobbie Jonas, a holistic health practitioner in Calistoga, California, acknowledges she ignored obvious warning signs during her courtship. “I was more interested in a way out from home,” she says of her first marriage. Poor communication compounded the effects of weak chemistry. After 10 years, they divorced.
“Couples wondering where the sex went should be asking if it was ever really there,” says Berman.
That explanation makes sense to Jon. Although he said he and his wife, who live on the West Coast, started off with great chemistry, the cracks in the relationship began to show before they traded rings. After a four-month dry spell during their engagement, his wife brought up the idea of canceling the wedding. “I just really wanted to get married,” Jon says. “I felt that it was what I was supposed to do.”
Now Jon is having an affair with a woman — also in a sexually unsatisfying marriage — for whom he feels intense passion. “I didn’t realize the importance of sex,” he says.

I know from conversations with the boys that several of them are less than happy with the state of affairs in their bedroom. It is kind of a funny change. During our single years the guys didn’t spent much time bragging. You might hear about who they were dating, but in general there wasn’t any talk of conquests.
And now I look at what we talk about and I have to shake my head and smile. There is the guy who complains that before marriage his wife loved oral sex and now hates it. There is the guy who complains that his wife is never in the mood and then there is the guy who says that he can’t keep up with his wife’s sex drive. And let me tell you, he receives an enormous amount of crap about his complaints.

I can also say that I know of two couples who intentionally did not have children because they were convinced that it would kill their relationship. Kind of reminds me of a guest post that ran here last year called Pressured into Parenthood- A Guest Post.

So dear reader, what do you think?

Filed Under: Life, marriage, Parenting, Sex

Sex & Children

December 2, 2007 by Jack Steiner 9 Comments

This past October I took on the challenge of explaining to my almost seven year-old son where babies come from. It was an interesting discussion that from time to time we have revisited to cover new ground and or review the basic facts.

A couple of my friends have asked/suggested that perhaps I should have waited until he was older to engage in this talk, but I disagree. I didn’t want to lie to him about this. No crazy stories about storks or any sort of make believe. The bare minimum was enough to satisfy most of his curiosity, although he did ask me to explain in greater detail what positions are required to have sex.

It was a relatively innocent question along the lines of “dad, I don’t get how you put it in. Do you have to stand up?”

So I told him that you could stand up or lie down. In fact, that is almost verbatim to what I said. He nodded and said ok and we went back to playing with his Lego set. Little did I know that a short time later I was going to have another sex talk of a different nature with him.

Let me set the scene for you. He and a few of his cousins are watching bloopers like this on YouTube. I sit in the room watching with them. After three or four of I decide that I want a cup of coffee and leave the room. Before I leave I instruct them that they are not to surf to any other website without an adult in the room, but they can click on another bloopers show.

As you can imagine this is where things went awry. I should have asked them to wait for me or had one of the other adults go in, but I figured that the bloopers were innocent enough and they were quiet. If you are a parent you can appreciate what quiet is like, especially after a good 10 hours with them.

In fact it initially appeared that things were fine because it only took all of ten minutes for them to follow me out of the room and that is when I found out that things had gotten farther afield than I would have liked.

“Dad, I just saw the funniest thing!” I looked at my son and said tell me about it. “Dad, his penis was in her mouth!”

I didn’t want to blow up or make it into a bigger deal than it needed to be so with some effort I maintained a poker face and listened as he gleefully explained what he had seen.

“She took his penis and put it in her mouth.” I carefully asked why he thought this was funny. He responded by saying that he knew the man peed in her mouth. I asked him if he saw that happen and he said no. I asked if he saw anything else.

He said no, just that the man smiled and that was how he knew he must have peed because sometimes when you pee it feels really good so you smile. He didn’t ask any questions so I let it drop and went over to the computer to try and figure out how they had stumbled onto this.

It seems that during my absence they clicked on a YouTube link called “Porn Bloopers.” I felt better knowing that they had innocently stumbled upon this. Since that time we have taken steps to see that this incident cannot be repeated. The primary one is just making sure that the kids are constantly monitored when they are on the computer.

The hardest part of the experience was responding to a question that my son asked in front of my mother. “Dad, is that something you like to do?” I could feel my mother’s eyes upon me. I took a deep breath and asked him to repeat the question.

“Dad, I want to know if you like doing that?” I looked at him and asked him why he wanted to know. “Because that looks like a grownup thing and you like doing grownup stuff.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and told him that I enjoy doing all sorts of grownup stuff. He smiled and said “that is what I thought” and went off to play with his cousins. His place was taken by my mother.

But that is a post for a different day.

Filed Under: Children, Life and Death, Sex

Harvesting Elephant Sperm

November 25, 2007 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

You can safely say that this sort of job will never be part of my personal career path.

Filed Under: animals, Science, Sex

Sir, I Need A Condom

November 7, 2007 by Jack Steiner 13 Comments

Filed Under: Children, People, Sex

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