The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for August 2013

How To Use 5000 Pounds of Bananas To Terrorize Noisy Neighbors

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Yes, I Have No Bananas

You might wonder who blogs about using 5,000 pounds of bananas to terrorize noisy neighbors or if you are like me you start by asking yourself more important questions like how much does it cost to purchase 5,000 pounds of bananas, does the price include shipping and how do you use bananas to terrorize noisy neighbors.

Of course those are general type questions that don’t really dig into the nuts and bolts of the matter and being a guy who is interested in the small details I can assure you that I have many other questions tied into this that I may or may not share with you.

Some of you might be wondering what sort of man thinks of things like this and how did I come up with 5,000 pounds of bananas? Was it an arbitrary number? Why not pick 50 or 100,000 pounds of bananas?

Well, have you ever tried to figure out where to store 100,000 pounds of bananas or thought about what happens if you don’t use them and they start to turn brown. Ever thought about how to take care of 20,000 pounds of brown bananas?

It is not easy or so I have heard.

Anyhoo, there is more to talk about here but before we move on to some of those discussions let me share some background here. Let me provide with some links to past posts that might offer more insight to the wacky guy writing this.

Links of Interest:

What About That Noisy Neighbor?

He is a single man who lives on the third floor and though he doesn’t appear to weigh more than about a buck fifty he clearly likes to lounge around the house in a pair of custom made bowling ball slippers.

I listen to him stomp around the place all night long and am sometimes entertained by the ruckus and racket he and his dopey bowling ball slipper wearing self and friends make.

He is either oblivious to the noise or just doesn’t care and his lack of courtesy irks me. Really, I ask What The Hell Happened to Courtesy because it seems to have died the same ugly death as customer service.

That dude doesn’t understand that I had planned on blogging about music in this post. I had planned on sharing some cool tunes.

What Cool Tunes?

Well, I was thinking about songs like these:

  1. Hold On- Bruce Springsteen and Sam Moore
  2. The Sound of Silence -Simon & Garfunkel
  3. Stairway To Heaven (Heart Cover)- Robert Plant loved this
  4. The Ecstasy of Gold– Ennio Morricone

There are others, believe me there are others. It could have been the kind of post that moved you, had you dancing in your seats and weeping with joy but bowling ball slippers wrecked it for you.

That noisy and inconsiderate motherfucker had me thinking about hiring a marching band to play at 3:30 in the AM, but since I live in the same complex I would have been punishing myself.

And that is probably why you are wondering how I could use 5,000 pounds of bananas to terrorize him and how to do it without making trouble for me.

Well the beauty of sleep deprivation is that it provides you with legal cover called temporary insanity and makes you believe that ridiculous ideas like using 5,000 pounds of bananas to strike fear in the heart of your neighbor is smart.

Because everyone knows that 5,000 pounds of bananas isn’t nearly enough. It has to be tons, most assuredly and indubitably needs to be tons.

Is There An Alternative?

Well I suppose that I could knock him out, stuff him a burlap sack and ship him off to cleveland or force him to root for one of those lousy teams in Boston, but I am not sure if that wouldn’t qualify for cruel and unusual punishment.

Maybe I ought to just ask him if he would mind keeping the noise down. That ought to work for now, or at least until I can obtain the bananas. 😉

The 69 Biggest Liars In Blogging and Social Media

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princessbride

I am forever amazed by how many smart people believe everything they read on the Internet and why they fail to question things that seem too good to be true.

Sometimes I open the spam I receive because I am curious to see what the fine folks of the world are promoting. Today I learned that if I take the right pills I can have a 14 inch penis.

Part of me wanted to buy the damn pills just to see if it would work but if it did I fear the problems it would create. You ladies don’t understand how difficult it might be to have to carry that sucker around. Sure you could roll it up like a Danish or wear it as a belt, but that is usually frowned upon at most offices and public places.

Could be fun to stand next to a Shetland Pony and tell him that he is nothing special, but I am not really into that and something tells me that it could make intimate moments more difficult.

Is It True/Possible/Real?

But there is not much value in growing a 14 inch penis with magic pills, aside from the wonderful SEO benefits and great blog fodder. More importantly I have a hard time believing that these magic pills really work.

I get the same response when I read some of the posts and newsletters from many of the Internet marketers who claim they have the perfect system for creating passive income.

I don’t believe it is as easy as it sounds and I don’t trust the hype and hoopla. Hell, I don’t trust some of the bigger names out there because what I have seen them sell is unsustainable opportunity.

Maybe I am wrong about them and about those pills.

It is possible. Wouldn’t be the first or the last time.

Open The Books

Yet I have this itchy feeling that comes from reading some of these posts where they talk about how much success they have. I look at what they are writing/sharing and start asking myself  if it is possible to make money the way they are talking about and try to work out the numbers.

Since I don’t have the opportunity to see their books I am forced to decide on my own if I think they have a separate revenue stream supporting the blogging because when they say they are earning big money I am trying to figure out how.

Are they really getting paid a huge chunk of change to act as a consultant and if so, how many clients do they have and how long are the contracts for? What metrics are being used to justify keeping them on board?

If they are in affiliate sales how much traffic do they have each month and what do they earn off affiliate sales? Do you know how much steady traffic you need to start to earn a buck, let alone several from that.

Are some people doing it?

Yeah, some are making it. I am sure of that but I don’t think it is all that many and I don’t believe it is as easy as so many like to present.

It is not Field of Dreams, where if you build it they will come here.

Why I Use 69 So Often

A reader asked why I use 69 so often. I suspect it is because they think it is sexual in nature, but that is not why.

It is ‘cuz I was born in ’69 and it is one of my favorite numbers, has been since I was a wee lad who would have been horrified at the idea of being around girls.

They were yucky and sometimes they still are, just ask my son.

Actually he won’t say they are yucky because he is not quite sure what to make of them. Almost 13 now and I suspect Mother Nature is starting to do things because his behavior/response to girls is changing a bit.

Little man doesn’t quite know what to do with himself around them now.

I encourage him to act normal and to think about what he does/says/reads.

Online Doesn’t Equal Truth

And that my friends is my segue to reminding us that it is not true just because it is online. It is easy to make a fancy looking website and to dress it up with authoritative text.

But it is not that easy for millions of people to make huge amounts of passive income online nor will every company that engages in content marketing automatically become successful. There is more to both.

Still I don’t expect to see these ads/marketers disappear because there is always a market for get rich quick schemes.

Triberr And The Challenge Of The Twitter Thank You

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Tunnel

Twenty-three years ago I spent the summer working in Canada. About six weeks into it a couple of people at the camp I worked at told me I was really rude because I didn’t say hi to everyone I passed on the street.

It hadn’t occurred to me that anyone would have a problem with my behavior, especially since I was acting any differently than I would have back home in Los Angeles.

I shrugged my shoulders at them and said if they acted that way in L.A. people would think they were tourists and or weird. Cultural differences.

Twitter Etiquette

I have been on Twitter for five or six years now and I have seen a few changes there. Watched more people join, seen the impact of brands, businesses and Triberr to an extent.

Seen how it has evolved from a place where it was easy to have to conversations to more of a broadcast channel. Now you have to work a bit harder to engage with others and that brings me to my Triberr dilemma.

Been a part of Triberr for about two years and still am grateful for all the introductions and connections that it helped facilitate for me. It has been a wonderful tool and it has made me look very hard at blogging and social media.

Triberr has also made me think about Twitter etiquette in different terms than I once did. That is because many of my fellow tribesmen tweet out thank yous to myself and others who have helped to share their blogs.

I don’t do much of that.

Why?

I am torn because I want to thank those who share my posts but I also don’t want my streams to consist solely of links and thank yous to those who shared my posts and sometimes that is how it looks to me.

In part it is because I have more than 100 people in my tribes, could be closer to 150 or so really and that could create a ton of thank you tweets.

And while I am a fan of showing gratitude for those who help us if we don’t work to mix the streams up with useful content and conversation people just tune it out because it becomes noise.

I don’t want to be viewed as noise and or someone who adds to clutter and that is part of why I tend to issue fewer thank yous.

Weekends

I have also begun to scale back much of my social media activity on weekends. It is time I take for myself and for doing things in person and not online.

Doesn’t mean that you won’t find me online or that I won’t blog/tweet but I tend to do less of it. I can guarantee that at some point I will adjust how I do things because that is part of the joy of social media.

It evolves and what I do today may very well not be what I do tomorrow.

In August of 2013 I have Google Plus Comments and Livefyre enabled. The dual commenting system is a test that may lead to my scrapping one or both.

All part of the fun of social media and the dynamic environment it lives in.

The Goal

The goal or more accurately goals are still the same as they have always been. I blog because it is fun and because I love to write.

I use social media because I enjoy meeting new people, because it has led to friendships and financial rewards and because one day I will publish some works that I want others to read and it makes sense to build a platform.

Every month I try to look at what I have done to see if I can find a way to do it better. Some chunks of time are better than others, that is how it goes.

What about you?

When Einstein Went Back To School

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English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d...
English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d’Albert Einstein (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Everything must be made as simple as possible. But not simpler.” ― Albert Einstein

My kids go back to school on Monday, I installed a new theme on the blog and the air conditioning in my car isn’t working.

Did I mention the average temperature out here has been 109 which means inside my car we’re hosting the Jack Steiner sauna party, bring your own brick and towel.

In the midst of it all I am thinking about What is The Most Important Thing In Blogging? and wondering if I am going to have to deal with a bullying situation at school.

Music Soothes The Savage Beast

Friday night is here and at a quarter after 8 I haven’t had dinner nor have I partaken of the Scotch on the counter or smoked the cigar that is calling my name.

Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong are singing about Summertime and I am thinking about what I need to do and what I can do to help my kids.

In between it all I am staring at the new look of the blog and trying to figure out whether I followed Einstein’s advice on simplicity. I love the Google+ comments.

I see the engagement rising and the traffic is growing but it might be cannibalizing the comments that would normally come in via Livefyre and I haven’t decided if that is a significant issue for me right now.

Middle School Magic

The music has changed and Dylan is singing about Knockin On Heaven’s Door. It has me thinking about my grandfathers or more accurately missing them.

Been thinking about what sort of advice/counsel they would offer regarding certain situations now. Been wondering if the whispers I hear inside my head are them talking to me because I can hear them, can feel their presence.

That little guy of mine is getting bigger and I sense that things are rumbling inside his head. I feel some of the joy and anxiety of middle school radiating from him and I am doing my best to help him through it.

He isn’t sharing all of his thoughts with me and he doesn’t entirely believe  that I know him as well as I do. Doesn’t believe that I understand what it is like to be in 7th grade any more than I believed my father when he tried to help me.

Grandpa was right about our not being able to screw an old head on young shoulders. I can’t stuff 44 years of my life experience into an almost 13 year-old body.

Can’t help a nine year-old girl see what she hasn’t lived through yet.

My heart breaks and it swells with pride. They will be fine but it hurts to know the hurt that they have to experience.

Relationships

Bob Seger sings about The Fire Inside and I feel an urge to howl at the moon and to just run. Feel the urge to just move under the starry night sky.

Relationships power sch0ol, they power the workplace and you better damn well believe they power social media. We grow older and technology grows more sophisticated but some things never change.

Your great-great grandfather and your great-great grandchild will both share the challenge to get along with others that we do. The world turns, burns and spins but relationships are always part of the fabric of life.

And I sit here at a desk in a room draped in darkness because I have been writing since before sunset thinking about what it is I need to do to make a better life for my children.

Been making progress, good progress and I see so many things to smile about but still I think about what it means to be far away. I think about why I made the move and I would do it again a thousand times because it was the right thing, the smart thing but it doesn’t mean that sometimes there are no questions.

Show me a parent who never second guesses their actions and I will show you a liar or a fool.

When Einstein Went Back To School

There is a bag of marshmallows sitting next to me that I grabbed for a buck at Target. Got it the other day while looking at the Back To School supplies.

Except this year I wasn’t buying for the kids because they are three states away. Listened to a father tell his son that Einstein went back to school every year too and then I walked away and finished my shopping.

Albert was right about simple being best.

The Best Way To Relieve Tension

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Opportunity Knocks
Opportunity Knocks

Ten PM on Thursday night and I am on deadline. Got several pieces of copy that need to be submitted and I don’t just hate everything I have come up with, I despise it.

It is not a case of writer’s block because the words are flowing freely, they are just ugly and lack the kind of flair I want them to have. There is no panache or eloquence to these and this is one of those moments where I need to produce better than good enough.

But as they told Superchicken, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it so I am reaching deep into my writer’s bag of tricks.

Distraction

Distraction was the first thing I pulled out. Figured if I took my mind a different way it would make a difference, I’d find the write words and voila, it would be done.

Except the call came from home.

What call?

The call in which I learned the girl who tried to bully my daughter is scheduled to be in the same class as her. The school had  assured us this wouldn’t happen and that the issues from last year would be taken care of.

Apparently they weren’t and I am irked to put it mildly. My daughter isn’t afraid of this other girl and my concern is that this misfit will poke, prod and piss off my daughter to the point where she will react and the outcome won’t be pretty.

There shouldn’t be any reason for me to be concerned about it. They shouldn’t be in class together and tomorrow we’ll see about making changes

It is disappointing.

Distraction Part II

I have been meaning to make some more changes around here so I picked up a new child theme from the folks at Studiopress and have been making changes to the blog for a while now.

This has been great fun…mostly.

Mostly means that there are a few hiccups that I haven’t been able to sort out yet, such as the problem with the archives. But I haven’t any doubt that I will figure it out.

Overall I think I am pretty happy with the new look but I wish I could just iron out those hiccups because I swear I am so close to figuring it out.

Kind of fun, like a puzzle.

Exercise

In a couple of moments I am going to head out and hit the gym. We’ll see if pumping some iron and some endorphin release helps to stimulate some more creativity or at least something that I like enough to turn in.

FWIW, I see it all as a competition with myself. It is a chance to try to push myself harder to do better, but sometimes it is hard not to get caught up in it.

Sometimes it is hard not to be extra hard on myself and lose perspective.

Speaking of Perspective

The hardest part of all this right now is being away from the kids and not knowing if we’ll be able to fix this problem before school starts. It is being away from my little girl when she needs me and that is eating at me a bit.

Because her happiness and well being are more important than any of this other nonsense and something tells me that I can’t fix things by calling this other girl and explaining to her that I will come looking for her if she causes trouble.

People tend to frown on that kind of behavior, hell I frown on it. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to bop her in the head.

Sometimes parenting is just peachy.

P.S. For those few of you who take everything I write as gospel, let’s clarify a few things:

  1. I didn’t really get arrested for beating someone up with a salami.
  2. I didn’t throw a clown off the porch.
  3. I wouldn’t hit a little girl.

P.P.S. Those of you who have the special JackB decoder rings can read a special message at the bottom of this post.

1 Tool/Resource For Increasing Comments & Building Engagement

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